i went against everything including my own gut instinct, i am an idiot!

[PrincessLinzay]

Iwantherback~

 

First off .... (( Big Hugs ))

 

I know you're hurting right now, and I don't blame you. Breakups are really rough, and don't beat yourself up about what's been done. Have you ever heard that saying: "Take my advice....I'm not using it" ? I think it's very true. People often are able to give brilliant advice to others, but then go completely against what they would recommend to someone else. We've all been guilty of it.

 

I would take the things she is saying with a grain of salt personally. You did kind of push her into answering some of these questions, and if she got exasperated with you, she may just have spouted off some nonsense.

 

One thing I notice that you keep saying is that she wasn't acting like a "friend". I think it would be prudent to take note that you also did not act like a "friend", at the art exhibit. More jealous ex boyfriendish. Asking questions about who she is seeing and why she doesn't care may have made her feel slightly uncomfortable, which made it a lot easier for her to act apathetic. Just a thought.

 

I would say, go back to NC and work on you. If you two are meant to be friends or get back together in the future, then you will, if not, then you'll still be okay in the end. Hang in there. ((hugs again))

[ut_longhorn]

hey man...i know exactly how you feel. i had that happen to me 2 weeks ago. i got straight blunted by my ex and she was so cold to me that it was excruciatingly painful. i couldn't believe the person that I loved so much and told me that she loved me so much was saying these words that would rip my heart out. I was messed up for a few days. but you know...it doesn't erase all the progress that you've made. it'll set you back a couple of days, but honestly....i think it will help you move on. now you know...she does not even care about you. why care about someone who doesnt care for you. shes moved on man. if she invited you out...at least she wants to be friends. in the future you can make an effor to be friends. waaaaaay down the line...but for now, don't even test the waters of friendship if you even have the slightest doubts. until the point you can imagine her boinking a new man an it not affect you one bit...then thats when u can be friends.

 

don't beat yourself up too much. honestly...it will give you some closure. i doubt it will set you back as much as you think. give it a couple days. you'll be ok.

[deejay74]

Iwantherback~

 

One thing I notice that you keep saying is that she wasn't acting like a "friend". I think it would be prudent to take note that you also did not act like a "friend", at the art exhibit. More jealous ex boyfriendish. Asking questions about who she is seeing and why she doesn't care may have made her feel slightly uncomfortable, which made it a lot easier for her to act apathetic. Just a thought.

 

 

that may be true but prior to me asking those questions she wasn't asking anything about me at all. i guess that made me get upset and so i started prodding her.

 

everyone says to work on me, and i have been trying really hard. it's difficult for me to do when i never really put myself first before.

 

what hurts the most is i haven't loved someone like i loved her before in my life. i wanted us to have long term plans and only after 6 months, she ended it abruptly.

 

thanks everyone for your support, it means a lot to me.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm really sorry, man. I know how much you must be hurting right now. But other than the pain you feel right now because of this incident, I think this is actually a good thing, because now you see what she's like. You don't want her as a friend, you don't need her as a friend.

 

Take all the time you need to get through the anxiety and heartache you feel right now. We're all here for you.

[deejay74]

i know some of you think i am creating something out of nothing with regards to that guy ben whom i suspect she left me for and who she is with. i have many clues to tell me that i am right and i have been in the same predicament before where a girl was with someone else right after we split up but denied it up and down until i basically caught them together.

 

at this point, i dont care anymore. i am really hurt but i obviously can't be friends with her and she's not coming back. i mean what do i have to lose at this point?

 

again, here are all the clues:

"when she started to become distant from me is the same time she started working for this guy. she answered an ad in craigslist about someone who needed some help organizing his home office. she started working there more frequently and then i had to confront her about it. at the same time, school got hectic for her as well.

 

of course she denied it and got upset with me and said i was pushing her away by thinking she was messing around with him behind my back.

 

she then breaks up with me 2 days before new years.

 

fast forward to tonight. he is there at the art exhibit. i asked her if this was the "ben" she had been working for. she said yes, and said she was supposed to work for him tonight. i mean, how long does it take to organize a home office?? she also didn't expect me to show up because when she first invited me i told her i wasn't going to go. i changed my mind and called her and left a couple of messages. when i got there, she seemed surprised to see me and she was acting all weird and awkward and i think that's why she was treating me the way she did.

 

even in our conversation on the phone, she said she's not with anyone but that's all semantics if you ask me."

 

i know it probably won't solve anything but i can't seem to get this out of my head.

[NJRon]

You have your mind made up that she did have something with Ben. She denies it. It doesn't matter. You are going to believe what you believe. You can either move on, or keep trying to get her to admit it. What if she does admit it? Is that going to make you feel better?

 

Do yourself a favor and just tell yourself that she screwed aorund on you and that's why she's not such a good catch anyway. Then, move on.

[ut_longhorn]

what you have to do now is lean on your friends. get out. do something. do anything. from this point on..you have to move forward. you've touched the fire enough to know how much it burns.

 

its over man. it really is. thats the hardest and most hurtful thing to accecpt. after 6 weeks, i still haven't completely accept it...but you have to keep on telling yourself its over. this is your first day on the road to true recovery. delete all traces of her. or at least hide them away. delete her number from your phone. remove everything from sight. delete everything!

 

you see how she was to you that night? SHE DOESN'T CARE. I know it hurts man. Would a person that truly cared and was a sensitive person treat you like that???? Its very hard to fathom that a person who loved you and you loved so much can turn around and be that way. I still to this day cannot fathom how love dies from one side like that. It's just the way the world is.....unfair.

 

i know that the uncertainty of her being with someone else is driving you nuts...but with no contact...it willl subside. Go outside and run till your lungs burst. Punch your pillows till you cant punch anymore. Get it all out. Work out. Cry till you bleed. LET IT ALL OUT! but DO NOT CONTACT HER.

[deejay74]

i am sorry to be posting on here again. today is one of the worst days since the break up and i am not doing well. posting here is the only thing i can think of to help me.

 

i cannot get my suspicion of her and that guy out of my head. it is really driving me crazy. i don't know what to do to stop my thoughts. i am at work and i am trying to get my mind off things but it's no use. i feel i have all the signs short of catching them in the act.

 

i am a great deal of pain right now and can't seem to escape it.

 

what did i do to deserve such treatment from her?

 

please forgive me everyone, i am drowning right now.

[healinginnyc81]

Try thinking out the consequences - the pros and cons - of sending or not sending her the email. For instance, you send it, you feel vindicated for a day or two and then you get back to the pain of the healing process and at the same time you severely hurt any chance you have of being friends with her down the line. You also wonder if she'll respond, you wonder if she's read it, you still wonder if she's with this guy or not and you try to contact her again or you find some way to see for yourself if they're together. If you don't send this email, you're still in the same spot minus the day or two of feeling vindicated. You still have the wondering if she's with this guy, you still want to contact her, and you still have to deal with the pain of healing and moving on. Honestly, I don't see why sending the email is such a bad thing if you think through the consequences and accept them.

 

But I will share that after a month of suspecting my ex was lying to me about not leaving me for another guy, I saw her with the guy I suspected. It made me angry for a couple of days and maybe even gave me the sense that she wasn't who I thought she was and I deserve better. But I went right back into the mode of blaming myself for it, feeling so pathetic that I lost her to another guy, questioning my self worth, imagining the two of them together doing all the things I used to do with her, and in spite of it all, I still longed to have her back. I still had to deal with the heartbreak and I think we will always have questions and wonder what the ex is up to and we can't properly move on until we break out of that cycle and just cut them out of our lives. I hope you can step back and see the big picture. Look at what you want in the long term and try to accept that to get there you'll have to go through a few months of pain. But you will get there.

[NJRon]

Vindictive emails only hurt the person who sends them. And it's not because of hurting any chance you have of being friends or any of that stuff. They hurt because it is a blaring sign of you losing control. When you are coming out of a relationship, especially if you are in deep pain, your self-esteem is at an all time low. Losing control only reinforces your low self esteem. You will feel worse, not just for what you wrote, but becaus eyou did it in the first place.

 

Now is not a time for doing *anything* that does not rebuild your self esteem.

[deejay74]

ok, i am not going to send it. you guys are right, as usual.

 

i don't even know if i want her as my friend anymore. i don't have friends that lie to me, that hurt me, or don't care about me.

 

even though i know this, it's so hard to erase the happy memories that i had of her and she didn't treat me this way when we were together. i guess this is one of the hardest parts.

 

if it were me who broke up with my ex, and even if i was with someone afterwards, i wouldn't treat her with the same disrespect i got from my ex. if she told me she was hurting, i would be sincere with her and show that i was concerned but at the same time not giving any hints of reconciliation. i know my ex isn't me but why can't people show a little compassion in times like this. especially when she said she did care?

[NJRon]

if it were me who broke up with my ex, and even if i was with someone afterwards, i wouldn't treat her with the same disrespect i got from my ex.

 

I think that's a perfect reason to just date yourself for a little while. Show yourself the respect you deserve.

[ut_longhorn]

keep your dignity. dont contact her anymore.

[deejay74]

i've just deleted her from my myspace and friendster lists, it was difficult but i feel i have to do this.

 

i also just deleted all the emails i've sent to her through my webmail account. i am going to go home tonight and delete all the emails i've ever sent or received from her. it's very difficult to do because i've separated them all and went through them like a timeline of our relationship. it made me really sad to read them.

 

i am also going to remove all the photos of her from my iphoto library but i won't delete them - i have an external drive in which i will store them.

 

i've blocked her from my AIM many times but then i unblock her. i am going to try to keep her off for good.

 

it's making me sad just thinking about it. and i feel like such a wimp right now with the way i feel and with what i put myself through.

 

i can't thank everyone enough on here who's been supportive to me and especially those who's advice i went against. this site has been so helpful.

 

i hope that this is the last thread i will start with regards to going against all advice.

[NJRon]

hehe... if you're anything like me, then probably not

[Royltnxile]

You need to let this her go. She's a whack job, doesn't know what she wants, and above all she's "all about herself", and she as much as told you that it what her only concern is - herself. You don't need someone that selfish and self absorbed in your life. She doesn't deserve your friendship so don't worry about it.

 

Who cares if she's hooking with that dude? It doesn't matter now, and it's not his fault, it's hers..especially if she chose to get involved with him while seeing you. That should show you what her true colors are if that's the case. She's most likely got all kinds of issues with herself in the areas of commitment, intimacy, and self esteem.

 

I know what you are going through. I had a short term, very emotionally connected and intense relationship a year ago with the same type of girl. Only thing I can tell you is to leave her alone and forge ahead with your life. Along the way you will meet another girl who is worthy of you and appreciates the good things you have to offer. Your ex is neither worthy nor appreciative, and if she didnt' appreciate you enough to treat you with respect, even in break up mode, then she's no good for you. Her loss in all ways.

 

Don't email her and bring up the "Ben" crap, it's not worth it. She can be banging whoever she wants at this point, what YOU need to focus on is that fact that she's no longer with you so what does it matter if she is seeing someone new or not?

[Royltnxile]

if it were me who broke up with my ex, and even if i was with someone afterwards, i wouldn't treat her with the same disrespect i got from my ex. if she told me she was hurting, i would be sincere with her and show that i was concerned but at the same time not giving any hints of reconciliation. i know my ex isn't me but why can't people show a little compassion in times like this. especially when she said she did care?

 

You don't know that, and it's easier said than done.

 

You want "compassion" from the person who dumped you? Not healthy!

It's not her job to "comfort" you. If she wanted to comfort you, she wouldn't have broke up with you. Find your comfort from family, friends, strangers if need be, but don't rely on your ex to make you feel better...because any words she might use to make you feel better are just that - words, empty words.

 

She's whacked, man, ..an emotional mess. Just leave her alone and let her go.

[Nathalie1970]

I think everyone here has given great advice to you. NC is the only way to go right now. Be strong, I too have sent the vindictive email, call or txt msg because I was feeling wronged and cheated on. It doesn't make you feel better in the long run and just reinforces in the other person's head that they were right to break up with you.

 

Feel the pain and then you can slowly heal from the inside out.

 

Good luck with everything

[deejay74]

I think everyone here has given great advice to you. NC is the only way to go right now. Be strong, I too have sent the vindictive email, call or txt msg because I was feeling wronged and cheated on. It doesn't make you feel better in the long run and just reinforces in the other person's head that they were right to break up with you.

 

Feel the pain and then you can slowly heal from the inside out.

 

Good luck with everything

 

thanks for your post.

 

it feels like i just got dumped all over again. the pain is hitting me in waves right now and i am thinking about valentine's day and her birthday coming up.

 

it's very easy for others to say "who care's if she's sleeping with that other guy" but i care because in some way, i wish it could be me and i wish things were the way they were when it was good.

 

trust me when i am saying i am doing, and have done, the best i can to let go and move on.

[NJRon]

When I finally accepted the fact that it was really over with my last big relationship, I felt like I broke up all over again too. It's totally normal. But, this time, you only have to go through it once more

[ut_longhorn]

hey man...

 

ur gonna be better. if you weren't depressed and were pretty mentally sound prior to the break up you will be ok with some time.

 

i know exactly how it is to be in that stage of anguish and im sure million and millions of people in the past have as well.

 

im not trying to belittle your pain at all because i went through what you're going just a few weeks ago and its some incredible sh*t. But just to give you a little perspective..think about those who have gone through divorce after decades of marriage. those who have lost family members. think about many of the elderly in perpetual lonliness. loosing a lifelong wife/husband.

 

if you want...take a quick visit to the hospital waiting room and listen to a woman wail for the loss of her child and im sure you'll quickly switch gears.

 

its not the end of the world. its just the end of a chapter of your life. read biographies of anyone and you'll find all have a few sad chapters. but that chapter ends and a new one will begin.

 

there's no quick fix for the pain you're going through. don't fight it. sit down in a chair. close your eyes...and just feel it. feel every ounce of the pain. then get up and push on man. you're gonna be ok.

[Nathalie1970]

I just thought of something, do you think that she is being like she is because she knows she can get you back anytime she want?? You have let her know that you will keep coming back no matter how badly she treats you.

 

I certainly don't think it's easy what you're going through - heck it could be now or 10 yrs down the road and I would still care who my ex is sleeping with but we need to realize that we no longer have the right to care, that right got taken away the day we broke up.

 

Go out with friends, do something for you, it will take your mind off of her (no not completely), it's better than sitting at home wondering about who she's with or what's she doing......

[deejay74]

Who cares if she's hooking with that dude? It doesn't matter now, and it's not his fault, it's hers..especially if she chose to get involved with him while seeing you. That should show you what her true colors are if that's the case. She's most likely got all kinds of issues with herself in the areas of commitment, intimacy, and self esteem.

 

i guess it matters because i wish it was me in some way. i guess i am kind of jealous because it's very easy for her to get laid.

 

one major red flag that i overlooked when we first started going out was she told me how many people she's been with - she said over 40. that's why i am convinced she is sleeping with that guy. i thought she cheated on me with him and when i asked her about it (this was when we were still together) she denied it and said she did nothing for me to suspect that she was cheating on me. i reminded her about the amount of sexual partners she's had and she told me she was doing that at a time when she needed to fill a void in her life with sex. i still think she's filling that void.

[savannahohsavannah]

She gave you some grief, didn't she? Forget her, go on to someone else.

[NubianLove]

i guess it matters because i wish it was me in some way. i guess i am kind of jealous because it's very easy for her to get laid.

 

one major red flag that i overlooked when we first started going out was she told me how many people she's been with - she said over 40. that's why i am convinced she is sleeping with that guy. i thought she cheated on me with him and when i asked her about it (this was when we were still together) she denied it and said she did nothing for me to suspect that she was cheating on me. i reminded her about the amount of sexual partners she's had and she told me she was doing that at a time when she needed to fill a void in her life with sex. i still think she's filling that void.

 

over 40...wow how old is she? lol