i went against everything including my own gut instinct, i am an idiot!

[deejay74]

why oh why can't i listen to the advice i've been given? why can't i listen to my own gut instincts??

 

i am almost embarrassed to post what i did tonight, i think i ruined EVERYTHING!! please bear with me as i have had a few drinks tonight and i think this post is going to be long.

 

so i called my ex and i went against all advice. she answered and invited me to an art exhibit in which she is in a photograph. before i went, i already had some drinks.

 

when i got there, she was with 3 other people: the handbag designer she works for, this guy ben (whom i suspected she was cheating on me with), and another female.

 

i saw her and we gave eachother a kiss on the cheek and so she showed me which picture she was in. i looked around at all the other pictures then went back to her and the group of friends she was with. i started to talk to her and i asked her how she was doing, etc, etc and she told me. apparently she has been going out a lot, something she never did with me when she we were together and she was in school. she never asked me how i was doing and didn't seem to care at all. so we go over to the open bar and we both get some wine.

 

so i am talking to her one-on-one, away from her friends. i again start asking her about what she's been up to. so i got fed up cuz she wasn't even asking me how i was doing. i actually said "so i guess you don't care how i have been doing since you haven't asked me anything". so she asked me 2 simple questions, of which she already knew the answers to. i told her it didn't seemed like she cared about my life or what i have been up to. so she said "all i care about is myself".

 

i don't quite remember what else was said but then i pressed her again about whether or not she was seeing anyone and she said, "i am not going to answer that because you said you didn't want to know'". my reply was "well that answer right there tells me you are". and she said, "i am not seeing anyone". my reply was "well, i would appreciate some honesty if you are, i've been hurt enough and i've been through this before. are you sure that guy isn't here" (meaning that guy ben). then she said "you're doing the same thing you've been doing since before i broke up with you and now i am feeling awkward, i think you should leave". i apologized and said that i have just been very hurt since the break up.

 

she moved over to her friends and then i tapped her on the shoulder and asked if i could have a word with her. she almost shouted "no, just call me later" - i asked if she would answer the phone and she said "most likely". so i went to the elevator and when i looked back, i saw her friend consoling her.

 

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO HER? i was doing the best i could while we were going out and now she's treating me like * * * *. she's going out all the time, of which we never did cuz she "never had any time" while she was going to school but now she is back in school and doing all the things that she couldn't do. i just don't understand what i did. it's was almost as if she was rubbing the fact that she doesn't care about anyone but herself in my face.

 

i can't believe she actually told me to leave! i still think she was sleeping with that guy ben who was there.

 

anyway, i am soooo embarrassed. i am so sorry that i didn't take the advice of what everyone told me on here. please use me as an example. i am not more hurt than before because her behavior tonite i have never seen. why invite me out just to treat me like * * * *???

 

i am sorry everyone.

[DN]

Don't beat yourself up too much - it was partly her fault for inviting you to go. Treat it as a object lesson in what not to do and don't repeat the same mistake.

 

This is a setback but don't over-rate it's importance.

[Nathalie1970]

Iwantherback,

 

Don't worry, tomorrow is a new day, start fresh. I am about to sound mean and I apologize in advance, but who cares what she thinks or does?? She seems to be a different person now, is this the person you would want to go out with??

 

Sad thing is that I probably would have reacted the same way - after being invited out, I would have gone and wanted to know what it meant (do you still want me?? Is there a future for us?? etc)

 

Like DN said don't beat yourself up over it, live and learn.

 

Chin up, we are all on your side and are here to support you.

[coollady1957]

Sometimes with the best advice and even when our gut instincts are out there telling us NOT to do something, we still sometimes go with a spur of the moment decision like you did when you called her.

Yeah maybe you messed up , and set yourself back a bit. Just pick yourself up from here. Dont call her anymore. She treated you badly after invitiing you to go to the art show. So you have a lesson learned. No your not an idiot. You just made a bad judgement on the decision to call her. We are all still her for you. Anytime you feel those urges to call her , get back on the site here and talk to any of us.

[HaloDestroyer]

You're pushing her towards her little 'friend' (This guy you name as 'Ben'), unintentionally.

 

What you need to do, in my honest opinion, if you REALLY want her back, is just to tell her.

 

If you tell her, in plain and simple English, that you don't care what she has or hasn't done, that you miss her, and that you want her back badly, that's all you can do.

 

It's then up to her, and if she still pushes you away, then you know to expect the worst.

 

Hope this helps...

[deejay74]

i am so upset right now and i am so hurt. i just can't understand how someone can be so selfish.

 

i don't understand how she was so mean to me tonite after inviting me to the event. i also can't believe how she acted like she didn't even care what was going on in my life. she was so self absorbed, i have never seen this side of her.

 

how can she treat me this way when the day before she broke up with me she said she loved me and missed me? (i had just returned from my trip home that day).

 

i just don't understand.

 

and again, when we were going out she sometimes couldn't come out with me because she was so busy and now that winter break is over and she's back in school, she's been going out all the time.

[HaloDestroyer]

I think, and this is my own opinion, you should be asking her these questions...

 

And if my judgement is correct, she won't give mature answers to any of them.

 

Maybe she will, but do you really want to hear them?

 

The best thing you could do for yourself would be to move on.

 

However, I have this nagging feeling you won't listen to me on that point, sooooo... Ask her.

 

Hope this helps...

[DN]

It is not at all uncommon for people to say they love someone just before they break up with them.

 

They do it because they think it will soften the blow, or because they are trying to convince themselves or - - any other of several reasons. But the hard fact is that, even if it were true, they didn't love you enough to be with you. And that is the salient fact that you have to deal with.

 

Move on - it's your best option.

[deejay74]

 

Move on - it's your best option.

 

i was moving on, i didn't see her tonight because i thought she would get back together with me. it was a test for me to see if i could be friends with her but she didn't even treat me like a friend.

[DN]

OK - so now you know that the test was not a success. Time to move on without her either as a lover or as a friend.

 

It sucks but it was predictable, although I do understand why you hoped it would be different.

[HaloDestroyer]

Different people take break-ups in different ways.

 

That's life, and it's tough to accept at first.

 

Stick with a No Contact policy (There was recently a very good thread on this... It's still on the homepage - check it out!!), and above all, don't look back. It's over now.

 

Hope this helps...

[NJRon]

Oh man... I feel for you. I don't think she is sleeping with this guy. But it doesn;t matter whether she is or not. I think you have your head warped right now. Stop doing this to yourself.

[suprema99]

Hey, I want her back, You shouldn't of asked those questions, like why don't you care about me and stuff. I agree with halo destroyer. If she say's she cares only about herself that's a red flag. I wonder though if it would of been different, if you acted normal, would she flat out say that to you. I would leave her alone for awhile and let her call you back, and don't get so jeleous and paranoid right away. Maybe she was telling the truth that night. Your thinkng the worst to fast. I agree, all your doing with questions like that is hurting your situation. goodluck

[deejay74]

Oh man... I feel for you. I don't think she is sleeping with this guy. But it doesn;t matter whether she is or not. I think you have your head warped right now. Stop doing this to yourself.

 

i do. here's why - when she started to become distant from me is the same time she started working for this guy. she answered an ad in craigslist about someone who needed some help organizing his home office. she started working there more frequently and then i had to confront her about it. at the same time, school got hectic for her as well.

 

of course she denied it and got upset with me and said i was pushing her away by thinking she was messing around with him behind my back.

 

she then breaks up with me 2 days before new years.

 

fast forward to tonight. he is there at the art exhibit. i asked her if this was the "ben" she had been working for. she said yes, and said she was supposed to work for him tonight. i mean, how long does it take to organize a home office?? i am not that stupid.

 

why does it matter to me, because she can't tell me the truth. i cannot prove that she is with him but look at all the clues. i think this is why she was acting kind of weird when i showed up and i also think this is why she was able to move on so quickly.

[suprema99]

Exactly, leave her alone for now. your acting way to jeleous if you read anything here llol

[DropToZero]

i am so upset right now and i am so hurt. i just can't understand how someone can be so selfish.

 

i don't understand how she was so mean to me tonite after inviting me to the event. i also can't believe how she acted like she didn't even care what was going on in my life. she was so self absorbed, i have never seen this side of her.

 

how can she treat me this way when the day before she broke up with me she said she loved me and missed me? (i had just returned from my trip home that day).

 

i just don't understand.

 

and again, when we were going out she sometimes couldn't come out with me because she was so busy and now that winter break is over and she's back in school, she's been going out all the time.

 

Look, we know you 'want her back' obviously, but you're going about it all wrong. I don't know what you've been thru, but the fact that you haven't done much going out, or dating either, doesn't make you appealing. That will not make her 'want you back' if you can't show her you're a man and can move on in life. Like I said, I don't know how long it's been since you broke up, but you've got to move on, that's truly the best way to actually GET her more interested into you. If you're sitting around waiting and not moving on, that doesn't make her wonder if you ever really cared at all, that won't make her be unsure of how you felt about her. The fact that you are showing you care so much is only feeding her strength in moving on.

 

Now I'm not tryin to make this a game, and I dont know your prior relationship, but...N/C seems like a definite here. You fell into an obvious trap(whether she did it on purpose or not), you started reacting, and that shows exactly what she wanted when she can get your emotions rising and make you feel bad. You need to get this thru your head, you DO NOT owe her anything, and she DOES NOT owe you anything, so move on. She doesn't have to care any longer about your relationship or life as of now, so don't care about hers. You two are broken up, and there's no more ties. So honestly, I think if you really want her back...go n/c.

[NJRon]

Stop looking at all the clues. You are going to create the reality you want in order to justify your feelings. In the end, none of it matters because it is over and you need to move on. Having contact with her is making things worse, for both of you. Your best move is to make a clean break and get on with your life.

 

Feelings and venting are great, but you need to start controlling your actions.

[deejay74]

i have been trying to move on, i was getting there for the most part until last night and the night before when i ran into her.

 

at this point, i don't know if i even want her back, she's a completely different person and changed in less than 2 months.

 

i have been trying really hard to heal myself the past month and a half since she broke up with me and i am not healed yet. i don't think i can date right now because my head's not in it. but i have been going out a lot with my friends, i've been trying to do everything i can think of to help myself but most of the time it hasn't worked. i have made a little bit of progress but as i said, this has set me back almost to square one. i had no idea last night would turn out the way it did.

 

i know she doesn't owe me anything i don't owe her anything, all i am saying is she didn't even treat me like a friend last night. she seemed like she couldn't give a * * * * about me or how i've been. our break up wasn't bad and i never treated her badly during our relationship so that's why i can't understand why she treated me the way she did.

 

even if i wanted her back, i think i blew all chances after last night anyway and to be honest, i don't think she wants me back either.

[Nathalie1970]

You have to keep that last part in your head "I don't think she wants me back either" Keep saying it and it will sink in.

 

I have been told "You had a life before the ex and you can have one again without them" Be strong and know there is someone out there who will make you happy (not her...lol).

 

Please don't keep beating yourself up over this......

[deejay74]

i called her last night because she said for me to when i left her last night.

 

i apologized for the way i acted and the way i made her feel and luckily she accepted my apology.

 

to be honest, when i called her i felt like i had nothing to lose so basically i told her to just put herself in my shoes for a moment and for her to try to see where i was coming from. i said it doesn't justify my actions, but i wanted her to understand why i felt the way i did with regards to that guy ben. she said again that she isn't with anyone, so i left it at that.

 

i told her that i have had a hard time since she broke up with me and i have been working hard to heal but it's been difficult.

 

i told her that at this point, i don't care if she thinks i am pathetic or weak so i said that i miss her very much and i miss us and the time we spent together. i told her that i hope that she doesn't look back on our relationship with any regrets and i hope it meant something to her. she said it did and she doesn't live her life with regrets.

 

i said that she seemed like a different person and that ever since the break up, she's been really cold to me and self absorbed and i didn't understand why, she said that's just the way she's been lately.

 

i told her that after last night, i realized that i can't be her friend and that i am not ready yet. obviously, she agreed. i said it's really hard to admit that and i wish it didn't have to be this way.

 

finally i told her that i wanted to know if she missed me not because i want to see if she wants me back, but to help me deal with this. she said she wasn't going to answer that question and i asked why. she said because if she said yes, i will be hurt and if she said no, i will be hurt. i told her i've been hurt enough as it is so it really doesn't matter. i really don't know why she couldn't answer that question so i asked once again and she said, then no, i don't miss you.

 

there i have it.

[gratefulpain]

Dont feel bad for being human....I understand why you did what you did... I think emotionaly she may have moved on but you werent healed enough for the meeting.... she was aloof and nonchalante.... and you needed closure and questons answered....time to start working on yourself... I have been going to the bookstore (borders in my area) and just sitting and reading books on breakup to help me heal.. get selfish... and devote your time to healing..... and for sure NC.... maybe down the line you could be friends but for now In my opinion (which aint much) youre not ready....

 

take care dude.. youre in good company

[Nathalie1970]

You're right you got your answer, it doesn't make it any less painful but now you know. I am sorry that you're hurt right now, but the pain does lessen. I am living it right now, and every day is a little different. I hurt more some days than others. I did something really stupid the other day but I am not ready to talk about it right now. I will post later, and maybe you won't think so badly about yourself.

 

Please know that we all care about how you feel and are here for you.

[NJRon]

I'm glad you got some closure.

[deejay74]

why did i have to go last night? i just wanted to see her once again and to be physically close to her.

 

i am so mad at myself right now, i was moving forward and now i completely undid all the hard work i've been putting into myself. i am so sad and in so much pain right now. i am at work and i can't even concentrate.

 

i called my therapist this morning and i think i am going to go on meds cuz i can't seem to shake this on my own strength.

 

i am sorry everyone, i know you all must think i am some pathetic loser who can't control himself. that's how i feel right now.

 

i am so shocked at how my ex treated me. i thought she cared enough to treat me like someone she has concerns for. i just can't believe what we had is gone and now i've ruined everything. i am trying so hard to keep from crying at work and i feel like i've isolated myself and i feel so alone. i just want this pain to go away and i want to forget my ex. this just makes no sense, i did nothing wrong to her and i did nothing to her to make her treat me this way.

 

[EDIT] why do i still love her and care for her? she obviously doesn't feel that way about me. i just want to stop loving her and to stop thinking about her. i am so afraid that i won't find anyone like her again and the moments we've shared. i want to make it stop right now [/EDIT]

[NJRon]

Based upon everything I know about your story and how you are handling it, I don't think you are doing anything that I haven't done before. I know you feel bad right now, but really, it's not like you did something really stupid like try to punch Ben, or stand outside her apartment on hunger strike until she agrees to repent.

 

I think it's a good idea to think about meds, at least in the short term. While they are a cure for anything, they can help your concentration and allow you to better work on healing and growing.

 

Don't forget, we need to try and arrange a Manhattan get together Isolation sucketh.