Crisis

[Aporia]

hey, i just really wish i knew what was going on in his head when i used to go out with him and stay over in his house he just didn't seem sure of himself...

 

you see that's the thing - how am i supposed to be able to identify such people in the future

[Miss M]

Aporia, flaky losers usually display good qualities along with the bad. And yes, they're even capable of seeming vulnerable and fragile. Did that vulnerable quality endear you to him? Don't let it tug on you... let go. Besides, if they were 100% awful 100% of the time, it would be simple, wouldn't it? But when they're nice, then flaky, then vulnerable, then flaky... that's confusing. And that's also how you know to get away from them... because they're inconsistent, wishy-washy, unpredictable... and because they confuse you.

 

The mistake we often make is to feel so emotionally attached/attracted to the appealing aspects that we can't let go when the bad stuff shows up. And we linger... wasting time... trying to figure out a logical and reasonable reason for the incosistencies. And we give them the benefit of the doubt... and we even imagine they feel remorse when we detect a little hint of sanity in them. ... huge waste of time.

 

So, don't try to figure them out... just look at the indications that they're very unstable. And recognize that you really could be doing better things with your time... and you could be doing it with better people. I agree with Scout, don't set a pattern in your life of giving this kind of person so much of your time and attention.

[Aporia]

And yes, they're even capable of seeming vulnerable and fragile. Did that vulnerable quality endear you to him?

 

yeah actually that's very true. i see [ i should say ''saw'' now ] his vulnerable side and feel sorry for him like i want to help him it makes me wonder is he actually a really nice guy without drugs. he said stuff in the past like ''you want me to give up don't you, wouldn't you like me to give them up''

 

it's like he just needs someone to encourage him, someone that believes in him. but yeah i'm going to stick to yer're advice which also the voice in the back of my mind was saying...don't see him or worry about him anymore...

 

it's really hard though i haven't been in the situation where he calls me up asking me to go out for the night yet so i really don't know how strong i am.

[Scout]

Well, flaky people usually demonstrate their flakiness very soon in the relationship. When you see the first or second sign, walk.

[Miss M]

And yes, they're even capable of seeming vulnerable and fragile. Did that vulnerable quality endear you to him?

yeah actually that's very true. i see [ i should say ''saw'' now ] his vulnerable side and feel sorry for him like i want to help him it makes me wonder is he actually a really nice guy without drugs. he said stuff in the past like ''you want me to give up don't you, wouldn't you like me to give them up''

Well, I've also fallen for the vulnerable types, so I know just how that feels for you. It really tugs on the part of you that is caring, and it stirs up those sympathetic feelings in you. And sweetheart, I sure wish I could give you some my past experience so you could bypass this guy, and not waste your time like I did. For the unstable types there's no end to how much "sympathy" they need. It's a bottomless pit that will drain you and destroy you. And in the meantime you will only get mistreatment in return for your generous heart. And it's a really bad habit to get into... the longer you stay in it, the more difficult it is to break free of it.

 

it's like he just needs someone to encourage him, someone that believes in him.

Yes, I do know this feeling too. Some of us tend to justify it by saying, "but he has POTENTIAL"... but please don't get caught in that trap.

 

but yeah i'm going to stick to yer're advice which also the voice in the back of my mind was saying...don't see him or worry about him anymore...

Very good idea. A reasonable part of you knows he's bad news. It's really best to listen to that. So many of us have been down that road you're contemplating, and we'd sincerely like to save you from encountering the heartache we found there. And honestly, there really are better ways to spend your time.

 

it's really hard though i haven't been in the situation where he calls me up asking me to go out for the night yet so i really don't know how strong i am.

When you feel weak, come back and post here and let us help you not be tempted. And please PM me if you feel that might also help you resist him. I'd be very glad to list all the reasons why you don't need a guy like that.

[Aporia]

hi, it's going to be hard to just forget about him straight away because of all the memories. thanks for the advice again i'll keep ye posted if anything else relevant happens.