im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 ok...this is the story. My boyfriend and I (we are in late 30/40 age range) have been dating about 10 months. I have a lot of friends, and a handful of very close friends. As my boyfriend, I invite him out with us. We were out one night, and I ran into a party friend, and she's really into sports (as is my boyfriend...I am not). that following sunday, she calls to see what i'm doing, which is staying home, and i suggested she meet my boyfriend and some of his friends out at a pub, close to her house, and watch the game. ok..? My first mistake. Now she calls him. He invited her to meet me and my friends out last friday night, she called me and i didn't answer. He thought that was appropriate. I find it offensive and intrusive. I finally had to lay down the law, that 1) we are not married, nor are we living together, thereforeeee, we don't 'share' my friends. 2) I don't want you calling or even answering her calls. she needs to call me, not you. 3) that I would be very offended and consider ending the relationship if this continues. Am I crazy? I think she is very very inappropriate, and so is he. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 So, this is controversial, and I've lost a friendship over a somewhat similar situation (not entirely). It seems that the bottom line is trust. Do you trust him? Do you trust her? To me, I don't like being told who I am and am not allowed to be friends with. I'm a grown adult, I don't cheat, and I don't steal friends' boyfriends. However, I see nothing wrong with having a friendship with members of the opposite sex, and I don't like being accused of things I wouldn't dream of doing. Do you trust your friend? Do you trust your boyfriend? Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 that's just it, she is an acquaintance...we've never done anything together except cocktails and perhaps a dinner. It's more about my friends vs his friends. it is quite annoying to have her call me and say "so you're doing so and so tonight" and my reply is 'how did you know that' 'oh, i just talked with joe, your boyfriend. geesh...i feel like, where is my privacy, he crossed the line when he invited her to outing with my other friends. it's more of a boundry issue. Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 I didn't quite answer you question. Yes, i trust my boyfriend, her? i don't know her well at all! I've been social with her for a couple of years, but just light cocktail party situations. it would be entirely different if she was part of his group (friends) and they all met up, but i hate to hear about my business from an acquantance....and it makes me look hateful, because i didn't invite her out that night, but he did! Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Well, then, I would make your boundaries clear to your boyfriend. Let him know you are not that good friends and are uncomfortable with her being all of a sudden all buddy buddy. Then you kind of have to just let him show how he interprets and respects those boundaries. I agree with Annie, I think as an adult whom is not a cheater, and whom does not steal friend's boyfriends, I would definitely not have improper intent at all, so I can't say for sure she has the wrong intent here or not. My boyfriend and I both have friends of the opposite sex, and do share some friends in common as well. Maybe they really just get along due to their love of sports...maybe she is interested in him, maybe not. Maybe she is just lonely and wants more friends. But really, whatever her intent, it does come down to whether or not you trust your boyfriend. If he is going to cheat, he will do it regardless. If he isn't, she could strip naked and dance in front of him and hang a sign saying "enter here" and he wouldn't. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Ok, so she's not really even your friend. It sounds like they are becoming friends now (your boyfriend and this other woman). Are you afraid she may try to steal him away? Or that he is interested in her? Being told what I will be doing tonight by a relative stranger.... yeah, that's unnerving to me also. That's where my side, "hey - I'm an adult! Why are you telling me who I can and can't go out with" side comes up. Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 thank you all so very much. I set my boundries this morning, after a wonderful evening together last night. It's important that we know where each other stand. It's only been 10 months, and this is our discovery time. A quick note, he doesn't attempt to make and keeps friends the way i do. I've been single for quite awhile, and my friends are my extended family. too share too much too soon is an invitation to dissaster if the relationship fails. I'm very aware of the statistics, I've been married 2ce, and I value the relationships i've worked so hard to maintain. I suppose i'm a bit possessive...but, hey, i'm the one that nurtured this garden. It would be totally different if she was a friend of his, or we met her together. thank you so very much! Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 ps...i'm new and i love this site!! Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Hi and welcome to ENA! I have a somewhat different take than the others.... I feel like you kind of set yourself up for this when you sent her to go and hang out with your boyfriend. Don't you think so too? By doing so, you let her know that it was OK with you if she spent time with him sans you, and if they became friendly that night (at your suggestion...) than it's pretty natural that she was calling him. Since it bothers you, it was a good idea to re-establish new boundaries... but I think both she and your boyfriend may seem confused at your seemingly sudden change of heart when you were the one who suggested they hang out in the first place. Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 God, don't you know that I KNOW that I started this? Stupid Stupid Stupid. I'm such a smart woman, but I really thought 'heck, she won't call him!'...I suppose we are all different. I would never call my girlfriends 'boyfriend'...she would be the one that i called. and if i did want to ask him something, i would still go through her. It's funny how you sometimes think folks will act like you. hey, i'm 46, not dead or too old to learn!!! ha ha. Link to comment
changes Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 i agree with hope75. he figured it was ok, because u set up the initial outting. maybe just let him know you're not too comfortable but don't make a big deal and realize its a situation you partially caused. Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Hi and welcome to ENA! I have a somewhat different take than the others.... I feel like you kind of set yourself up for this when you sent her to go and hang out with your boyfriend. Don't you think so too? By doing so, you let her know that it was OK with you if she spent time with him sans you, and if they became friendly that night (at your suggestion...) than it's pretty natural that she was calling him. Since it bothers you, it was a good idea to re-establish new boundaries... but I think both she and your boyfriend may seem confused at your seemingly sudden change of heart when you were the one who suggested they hang out in the first place. I thought that too Hope, though I do see where the OP is coming from as this was a bit "further" then she had thought it would go. But yes, it does explain why the other woman and her boyfriend may have thought it was acceptable. Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 OH, i didn't partially cause it, I DID IT ALL! ha ha. never never again. Link to comment
changes Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 haahaaaa you live and you learn right? Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 Geesh,, i feel so much better! The woman in question just called me, and wanted to see what i was doing tonight...i told her i was thinking about meeting my boyfriend and other for drinks and then a show...and I said, I'll let you know later whether i'm going to go...and she said "great! I'll go only if you go!"....that's what i was looking for...! a simple little sentence about me and her being friends, and not just wanting to hang out with my boyfriend....ahhhh....all done! Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Yeay! Sounds like it worked out then......sometimes we worry about things being more then they are...of course sometimes it's the other way around...but it sounds like she respects the "line" now! Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 I love you guys! my last relationship broke up becuase i was cheated on...i refused to be one of those women who didn't want her boyfriend to have women friends. i never met her, but as soon as i would go out of town for the night, she would all of a sudden appear at my bf lake house. i still trusted him, he would take her calls in front of me, so that was ok....he ended up marrying her! can you say...i got a little baggage? oh yea! I think this current woman friend caught my tone on the phone last weekend and is respecting our (her's and my) relationship...yea! Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 I love you guys! my last relationship broke up becuase i was cheated on...i refused to be one of those women who didn't want her boyfriend to have women friends. i never met her, but as soon as i would go out of town for the night, she would all of a sudden appear at my bf lake house. i still trusted him, he would take her calls in front of me, so that was ok....he ended up marrying her! can you say...i got a little baggage? oh yea! I think this current woman friend caught my tone on the phone last weekend and is respecting our (her's and my) relationship...yea! Yikes! You certainly have handled this very well then, sounds like you did a wonderful job of not holding your ex's idiocy against your current boyfriend Link to comment
im undercover Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 3 years of Carl Jungian therapy! Link to comment
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