Meeting with my ex - please help!

[locolady]

Hello - i'm really in need of some advice - tonight i am going out for a drink with my ex-boyfriend. We split up in august after 4 years because he drunkenly kissed another girl. Initially he begged and sobbed etc saying he would do anything to make it up to me but then after a few weeks when i wanted to give it another go, he decided it wasnt what he wanted anymore. We had had problems with jealousy before so he said he just couldnt imagine it working anymore.

 

He then moved 2 hours away and began university so is having a lot of fun while things for me are not brilliant. I've been utterly devastated (see any of my earlier posts!) and most of the contact we've had since then has been horrible. After xmas i asked him not to contact me anymore because i just wasnt getting over him. After a month of this, i contacted him and we've exchanged a few texts since then - all good.

 

Now he's home for a few days and we've arranged to meet up. Theres lots of things i want to go through with him but am really keen for the evening to go well. I really really loved him, and although he hurt me and it doesnt seem fair that i am the one who suffered so much when he did the cheating - something i feel really strongly against, it seems a waste for us not to try to be friends.

 

I'm going travelling in a few weeks so this is definitely our last chance to see each other for many months - i feel a lot of pressure because theres such feeling there still. In the past ive behaved badly, screaming and crying etc so im desperate to keep cool and be fun. I want him to want me i guess even though i can see we're not going to get back together any time soon.

 

Basically how can i impress him, have fun yet still get the chance to talk about the things that bother me without making him frustrated? Please help!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It sounds like a terrible idea, if you want an unbiased, honest opinion!

 

I'm in no doubt at all that you loved him, 4 years is a lot of history and its not surprising you are still getting over it-but thats what you should be doing. You had issues with jealousy - how is that going to have changed now, that tendency will still be there.

 

..."I want him to want me i guess even though i can see we're not going to get back together any time soon"...

 

See, you don't even need anyone to post this...all you are doing is torturing yourself, please dont meet him, revert to no contact, its going nowhere but someplaace miserable.

[Angel Irulan]

I would keep No Contact going with this fella actually. You are admitting to yourself that you still really care about him. But don't you see, when you broke up with him over cheating and then he wanted you back, and you said NO, and then when you relented he said he did not want YOU, he was sending a strong message. I don't know why you want to be pals with this guy. He wants out of a relationship with you. I'm sorry but there it is. I would not let this jerk torture me any longer. Don't be his toy. He may be bragging that his Ex wants him so bad she's trying to take him out. My two cents.

[locolady]

Wow this is seriously negative. Ok, i'm taking on board your comments. However if i cancel now, it looks like i'm purposely messing him around - just being pathetic. I appreciate that it wouldnt be easy to be friends but does no-one think that its worth a try? 4 years is a really long time to spend with someone - since we split up he has tried to be patient and considerate - it has hurt me a lot but isnt that inevitable in a break-up? Obviously the cheating was utterly unecessary and pathetic but is one drunken thing enough for me to cast aside all my memories with him? There are a lot of issues there but i thought i would feel better about myself if i could meet with him, be dignified and show him and myself that i'm not the pathetic person i have been lately? I think i need to do this for myself because i'm going away anyway soon so its not like i'm asking him to get back together. Any thoughts??

[NJRon]

If that's what you feel you need to do and you are set on doing it, then you need to change your approach a bit. I have met with ex's after the breakup. In fact, I am going down to visit my last ex for 3 days next month. You need to let go of the relationship entirely. You *cannot* talk about things that bothered you. You can't bring up anything at all about the relationship. Not good times or bad times. If you want to do this, and you want to make a good impression that you are strong and moving on fine, then you need to just go out and enjoy the moment. That's all it is. An isolated moment and you have the choice to either enjoy it for what it is, or not. If you start to get the overwhelming urge to get sappy, cut the evening short. If he tries to bring stuff up, tell him that you just want to enjoy the evening and that there's no reason to talk about the past right now. This is especially hard to do when you have very strong emotions still and are adding alcohol into the picture, so I suggest you watch your drinking on this get-together.

[Angel Irulan]

I have an idea! Make it a really casual meeting and have about five or so of your girlfriends with you. Like you invited him along on a girls nite out.