ocrob Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 I really am not asking for advice, but would love to hear different people's opinions. I have been NC with my ex for two months. I have met more women in the last two months than normal. I am casually dating two. One really likes me a lot and I have been completely honest about not wanting a relationship and that I not emotionally ready to care about anyone. With that said, I am having a lot of fun and will probably end up being the bad guy in this friendship because she wants more. I don't know why, but for the last couple of days I have been thinking about my ex. Nothing like I used to when we spoke, but much more than when I went NC. I woke up this morning feeling like something was telling me to contact her. I was thinking that she is stubborn and would never contact me, if she truly loved me. I thought about e-mailing her and just saying I was not mad, but could not be friends because I was still in love with her. I think that these thoughts came to me in the hopes she would write me back and say she wanted to give things another chance. I am not stupid and will not contact her. I don't know why my mind is messing with me. I don't know why all of the sudden I want her to try to get back with me. It is over and I finally accepted that. It is so weird how our minds work. Although I always respect women and am very polite and honest, I seriously am not looking for anything. They seem to sense that and I am meeting more than ever. Now I am starting to feel like a player and I don't like that. I wonder why I am missing my ex? Any ideas? Link to comment
in_the_mirror Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 well you said you want her to contact and try to get back together with you, maybe you want to be able turn her down, maybe to have that feeling like you can...because you love her so much, that perhaps if you could turn her down you would finally feel a little better about different situations your in. Link to comment
tmp0620 Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Why does it have to be over? If you have an urge to try to get back together with this person, or at least see how she feels, I don't see why you shouldn't contact her. If contacting her is going to make you feel horrible, then don't do it. Time really does heal all wounds though. If you want it to be over, than just let some time go by, do interesting things that you enjoy doing, and you will move past the place you're at now. Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 You are probably feeling like a player because you are searching for that feeling in which you long for from your ex. You can go through many women to try to find that but what you need to realize is how much pain she caused you. You are not ready for a relationship because you still hurt and you are still fixated on her. Having multiple dates may momentarily take your mind off of your ex but it is the equivalent of putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Until you deal with the painful facts that she doesn't want a relationship with you and she's not going to call you, you wont heal. Something triggered you to long for her, figure that out so you can avoid it. Hang in there and don't break any hearts along the way! RC Link to comment
Msnak Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 You know, if you ended the relationship in a way where no bridges were burned, you might be just fine contacting her to say hi or see how she's doing. Just, have no expectations. Iron and Ocrob--You each said something really interesting: Why does it have to be over? If you have an urge to try to get back together with this person, or at least see how she feels, I don't see why you shouldn't contact her. I was thinking that she is stubborn and would never contact me, if she truly loved me. Iron has a point. And ocrob...do you think she still loves you? Link to comment
ocrob Posted January 31, 2006 Author Share Posted January 31, 2006 I was very surprised at a few of the responses. Relationship Coach is right on. I have no idea why I am thinking about her. The few people that asked why I should not contact her, well it is because she broke up with me and I tried for a long time. Last I knew is that she was dating someone. She and I are definitely over and I do accept that fact. I am just wondering why I am now thinking about her again after two months. I would never want her to contact me so that I could turn her down. I love this woman, but also realize that it is over. RC, yes, I am concerned about breaking someone's heart. I have been completely honest with her, but she does not listen. I also have another woman that I am attracted to and has become a good friend. We flirt a lot and I think she is more in my situation and not looking for anything serious. I hope she and I can have fun and still stay friends. My ex and I were bestfriends before I stopped talking to her. I miss her friendship, but am so much happier with out her in my life. You can't love someone that you are friends with. Sure, I would love for her to call me and say she can't live with out me, but that will not happen. The point of my post is how we get these crazy thoughts that just don't make sense. I am starting to see both sides of relationships. You can't make someone love you and you can't love someone that you just don't have feelings for. Link to comment
Relationship Coach Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Very good, you've gained much ground. I think it's natural to think about the ex's from time to time, as the dumpees it's probably more frequent. The point is, you're getting better and that's what everyone here wants. RC Link to comment
Msnak Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 You sound very wise in saying: "I am starting to see both sides of relationships. You can't make someone love you and you can't love someone that you just don't have feelings for." In that case, you're doing what's best, moving on. It's hard to say what someone should do, one way or another, when you're OUTSIDE the relationship. Because no one else understands the dynamics better than the two people involved. I can sit here all day long and say: "Go back" or "Move on" -- but only you know what the best choice is based on your experiences with that person. Sometimes our minds and emotions replay something that takes us back to the good moments in a relationship. And for a moment, it feels right. And then you remember all the crap! Link to comment
ocrob Posted January 31, 2006 Author Share Posted January 31, 2006 Here is a quick update. I could not understand why I was thinking about my ex and why I had the urge to contact her. Well, out of the blue I get an e-mail from her today. It was just a forward of a joke quiz. I know that she did not accidentally send this to me. She has only contacted me once after NC and that was to e-mail me happy birthday a month ago, which I did not respond to. I think this is a weird coincidence. I am guessing that she is fishing to see if I am still interested in her and still on the back burner. I will not respond, but am curious what everyone thinks. Just a weird coincidence. Link to comment
patience Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 These coincidences can and do happen. It almost seems as though the universe is testing us in some way. You won't know what her true intentions are unless she comes right out and tells you. Until you get the phone call where she asks to meet with you, tells you she wants you back, is working on her issues, has broken up with the other guy, etc...I wouldn't waste any time on her. Careful, she may be on the rocks with the other guy again, and she may be fishing for attention, or may be on the rebound. Have you considered changing your email address? These email 'hooks' are such nonsense really. It is so easy to "read" into them. It is normal to have passing thoughts of people we care about. That's okay. It is what you do when you get these thoughts that can make a world of difference for you. You're still healing from the loss as well. You really care for this woman, and she will be in your thoughts from time to time. Intimacy brings a lot to the surface. When you spend time with new women, especially if they are being loving to you, memories, thoughts, feelings and so on can and will be triggered. This is something you will have to work through. If these triggers start to take over, you may need to cool it with the dating for a least a month or so. Link to comment
Msnak Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 These coincidences can and do happen. It almost seems as though the universe is testing us in some way. You won't know what her true intentions are unless she comes right out and tells you. Until you get the phone call where she asks to meet with you, tells you she wants you back, is working on her issues, has broken up with the other guy, etc...I wouldn't waste any time on her. It is normal to have passing thoughts of people we care about. That's okay. It is what you do when you get these thoughts that can make a world of difference for you. Wow, great advice, patience. You have me thinking. It really is so weird for ocrob that a day after thinking of this girl, that he gets an email. I guess, if the girl's truly interested, she'll come out and fight for him. That's what I want to believe--if she's interested. Otherwise, she might be too shy. That's the hard part...trying to get into someone else's head and figure out what their intent is/was. Sometimes the person's not worth it. Link to comment
ocrob Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Patience you make so much sense. My ex is definitely not shy and she does have a pattern of finding a guy before her other relationship is over. I wonder if she is fishing like you said. It does not matter, but interesting. Link to comment
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