Ex/Friend in depression??

[hellokittykitty]

I met a guy last July, we hit it off so well. I truly believe we are ment to be together. He has a really complicated life - he works full time, he also has to run his families business because his father is ill and can't do it - so it's like he has two full time jobs, plus his dad is a vegetable due to his illness and he has to take care of him. On top of it all he has had to put up with extreem emotional and verbal abuse from his parents all his life.

 

He was in a relationship for almost three years, his ex broke up with him and told him she had doubts from early on. He then found out she cheated on him during their relationship. He is still hurt by that. She's been dating someone else for a year and a bit, but she continually says bad things about him to their mutual friends. She's turned a few of his friends against him and he really doesn't like her now, he sees she was never who he thought she was.

 

We were having a great relationship, until about a month ago. He started to get distant from me and his friends. He became very moody, unable to form opinions or able to concentrate enough to get things done, sometimes angry and seemed very confused. He has a hard time making decisions, often says one thing and then does another. I would talk to him during the day and he would be fine, I'd talk to him at night and he'd be in a bad mood. Basically he became so cold.

 

I often asked him what was wrong, I knew it was stress but he wouldn't talk anymore or open up other than stress. I asked him if it was me and he would say no, I asked him if I should back away and give him space becasue he was acting like he didn't want me anymore. He wrote me an e-mail and thanked me for being there for him, then he told me that people always give up when times are rough and he didn't want me to go away. he said "I think something is here between us and I want to dig a little deeper and see what it is... only time will tell".

 

Then last week I got upset, we had plans and he forgot about them, we got in a fight and both said mean things. He told me he had no feelings for me, and never knew if he ever did. He was such an jerk and so mean to me... I've never seen that in him before.

 

He started acting distant right after he started to spend a lot of time with my extend family. AFter a birthday party we had and at that time we sang happy birthday to him as well since his b-day was a few days away. (End of November)

 

Then on Saturday he broke up with me and said he couldn't be in a relationship with me because he couldn't give me what I want. He said he needed to figure out some stuff in his life before he could think of a relationship. I am devastated. ...

 

he then went on to tell me that he has feelings for me and cares about me, just not in "that" way... but he still wants to keep "getting to know me" and spending time with me. He wants to do it on a low key level because he knows if theres an expectation of a relationship then it will be the same as before when we were fighting about not spending enough time together. He told me he still wants me to hang out with his friends and he wants to hang out with mine, he told me that he'll always be here for me and knows I will be for him. He said he doesn't know if we will get back together or not but at the very very least we will be good friends. He doesn't want to lose our communication or what we had.

 

I am very hurt by his words. I think he is sincere in wanting to still be around me but... I am soooo hurt that he said he didn't have feelings for me and never knew if he did...yet he told me just two weeks ago he did... how can a person change his mind so quickly...

 

am I making excuses for him? or does he sound as confused to you as I think he is...??

 

Did the fact we were getting serious and he didn't want a relationship scare him off?... or is his background of emotional abuse kicking in and preventing his true feelings.???

[DN]

He sounds to me as if he is depressed - I mean medically not just feeling stressed and down. The part where you said he was unable to make decisions and his moodiness are both signs of depression.

 

I may well be wrong but it is worth checking out. I think you should talk to him as a friend as well as a lover and tell him that you are really concerned for him and want him to see his doctor.

 

If he is depressed he is not really in proper command of himself and you may want to cut him some slack for what he has said.

[hellokittykitty]

The most alarming thing to me about him is (I hope this makes sense) is when he is happy it is like he is "overly happy" and when he's not happy, he just has no emotion...

 

I am also concerned because of his inability to know what he truly wants... it prevents him from making a clear decision and I often find he lives sorta in a "dream world"... not making fun of him but...he's very unrealistic.

 

Also, I know he ended it with me but he told me a few weeks ago that "everyone always gives up on him when times get rough, and it's never a good result".... this one line is what is preventing me from not considering staying in "NC".... I feel like maybe in a week or 2 he's gonna be like, hey... she hasn't contacted me... I always said I'd be there for him and he's told me he doesn't want to lose our communication and our friendship. He says he still wants to keep getting to know me and wants me to stay in contact....

 

so in a way I feel like he will just think I let him down like everyone else... and thats not true...