leelee123 Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex he wont look me in the eye. He always likes the lights out, which I know is b/c he has body issues (he's put on a lot of weight lately and is very conscious of it). Anyways, we have a great relationshp otherwise but this REALLY bothers me. Sometimes I feel like its not me he's having sex with, just my body. Make sense? Anyways, I've talked to him about it, and he says its nothing and he loves me. I know guys think of other women, and thats normal. It just turns me off sometimes b/c I feel like its too obvious. I dont question his love for me, at all, and I think he has some intimacy issues where he' s not 100% confortable with himself which could account for some. I dunno, is this normal? Link to comment
lunatic Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 I think it is totally normal to not want the lights on. I can relate on so many levels with him. I have to say though in his defence that because he does not look you in the eyes when he is kissing you does not mean he is thinking of another woman. When I am in love it is the woman I love who I am thinking about in everyway. Have you thought about talking to him about this issue? -Hub Link to comment
leelee123 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 See thats the thing, I know how I feel, but dont completely know how he feels. And I want to think that, but part of me can't help but question. Maybe thats an insecurity on my part. I have tried talking and sometimes he does look me in the eye. Maybe its me over-reacting at nothing and just needing to hear another guy's feedback. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 There was a time when my husband gained some weight- and I noticed he was less adventurous in the bedroom- notably with the lights as you mentioned. Eye contact was never a problem- but you could tell he was self-conscious about his weight-gain. I also noticed that he liked to be on the bottom more when he gained weight- mainly because a person's stomach is flatter when they are laying down. I really didn't see a change in him until he lost the weight he had gained. He seemed to go back to his old self finally- once he got rid of the belly. I don't think it abnormal for a person to be shy in bed if they don't feel good about their body. I think the best you can do is be sensitive, and encourage him to lead a healthy lifestyle. Go for walks together, eat healthy together. Let him know he still turns you on, despite the weight gain. Don't criticize or pressure him, be supportive. If he leads a healthier lifestyle, his energy and confidence will go up, he will lose weight, and will likely feel better about himself during sex. In the meantime- try different things, like kissing with your eyes open- to see if you can get him to connect with you with his eyes. BellaDonna Link to comment
leelee123 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 I do know he's very very uncomfortable with himself, and is trying to take better care. Im the opposite, work out all the time, eat healthy, size 4... He was in good shape then got comfortable. Anyways, thanks Im trying to motivate him and cooking healthier, trying to get him to join a gym and once the nice weather hits (we are in the northeast) we'll do the walks outside. Makes sense though. I guess I would feel the same way. Link to comment
RayKay Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 I do know he's very very uncomfortable with himself, and is trying to take better care. Im the opposite, work out all the time, eat healthy, size 4... He was in good shape then got comfortable. Anyways, thanks Im trying to motivate him and cooking healthier, trying to get him to join a gym and once the nice weather hits (we are in the northeast) we'll do the walks outside. Makes sense though. I guess I would feel the same way. No need to wait for the "nice weather" (I live in a very winter-bound place!) - you can go out tobogganing/sledding (running back up hill everytime is a great way to increase calorie burn!), go ice skating, rent some snowshoes or skis if you don't have any, build snowmen - just generally be active. Sure it's cold, but walks and runs are even great in the cold, that fresh crisp air does something great to you...I love coming back and cuddling under warm blankets afterwards for example. If you make it more about fun, then it seems less like "pressure" and he may feel good about being active again and then take further steps to get back into shape. Nice side benefit - the couple that plays together, stays together I definitely agree this may very well be a body image issue, even men have these thoughts, even if they are not as apparent or won't talk about them so much. Link to comment
leelee123 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 And have gone a few times, and planned a ski trip, so thats good. I try to get him to go walking in the cold b/c I go sometimes and he wont. Im trying , I really am. I found the best is to not nag, but to be supportive and motivate as much as possible. Baby steps Link to comment
WildChild Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 My bf explained to me that if he looks in my eyes, he is all done for and I can vouch for that LOL Link to comment
leelee123 Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 I know he finds me attractive, blah blah. Hmm maybe he's thinking of Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!! ewww LOL j/k Thanks Link to comment
lunatic Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 My bf explained to me that if he looks in my eyes, he is all done for and I can vouch for that LOL This is a problem I have too so I guess that when he looks at you during the act he loses control. At least I have had this happen with a few of my ex's. Link to comment
xprincessbugx Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 My boyfriend doesn't like his body and thinks that he's put on some weight, and I mean he has but hes not overweight or anything, but when we are in bed together he turns out the lights or he refuses to take his shirt off. I guess its a pretty normal thing... Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 he refuses to take his shirt off My husband did the same thing when he gained weight- not just in the bedroom either. We have a boat and he spent the entire summer with his shirt on- even on the water. That left him with a tan which made him look like he still had a shirt on- even when his shirt was off. Those tan lines made him want to keep his shirt on even more. Vicious cycle. We always tend to think of women as the ones who are self-conscious of their bodies, but men can be just as self-conscious. That's why it's so important to be supportive and sensitive about the topic of weight gain with men- because it can seriously affect their confidence level too. BellaDonna Link to comment
ocrob Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Although I love having the lights on, I can totally understand his insecurity. I am guessing he had a great body and is now a bit overweight. I am about ten pounds overweight right now and don't exactly like taking my shirt off. I do it and it is not that bad, but I can understand his feelings. I personally like to be completely nakes in a lit room and look my woman in the eyes, when she is not closing them out of ectasy. lol Link to comment
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