Still talks to ex....HELP

[appygirl]

Hi everyone.

 

I am currently with another woman whom I am crazy about. We got together several months ago and I still had no idea that I liked women. Long story short, I was straight (or thought I was). So I got to like her alot and then all the sudden she just abruptly stopped seeing me. She started dating another girl and that lasted for about a month. All that time I was sooooo hurt and depressed like no other. It all came down to me figuring out that I really liked her and wanted to be with her. She FINALLY told me one day that the reason she moved on to another person was because our relationship had to be super secret (I was still not sure what I wanted). So since she is "out" and proud of it, it got to hard to be with me and have to hide everything. SO basically I told her that I want to be with her and that things will change if she were to get back with me. I am ready to show my love for her and allow it to be public and so on. I have even told my family. So my question is that she still talks to the ex...the one she just broke it off with...I am scared and nervous about this. I want to trust her but I just cant, everytime I cant get a hold of her or something my mind races, I think that she is doing something with another person. I am all about having friends outside the relationship but with the ex is a hard one.....what should I do? I dont want to smother her by calling all the time and bugging her.... I need advice

[pizzachick13]

Just tell her your fears. I think that it's not that you don't trust her, you don't trust this other woman. As long as you tell her that then things should be fine. I'm sure that nothing's going on at all. If she was happy to come back to you and have another go at your relationship then she must really care about you, just as you care about her.

 

Good luck

[appygirl]

Thank you Pizzachick for responding.

 

You see she has a problem with not answering her phone alot of the time. I admit that I get VERY nervous when she doesn't aknowledge my calls. When she broke it off with me a while back and was with the other girl, she basically just ignored me and never did tell me what was going on....so I suffered for weeks knowing in my mind that she was with another person but she would just blow me off, I never got the answers to why she just "left" overnight basically. Once I finally got her to tell me that she was with this other girl was when we slowly started to talk and I told her that basically I was not given the time to "come out" and show that I wanted to be with her. I pretty much gave her the choice between the other girl or trying again with me...she did choose me. Im scared tho...I suffer from anxiety and depression and this is really getting to me, I want to trust her but she has really hurt me in the past....I want to tell her that im fine with her talking to the other girl but needs to like keep it to a minimum....I dont want to make her mad though. I dont want her to feel like I am smothering her or trying to control her

[EnglishSilver]

Hiya, Its not nice feeling being worried about this, and it sounds as though you've gone through a bit of emotional effort recently, coming out to your family etc. Re-reading your post, it sounds as though your g/f left this girl before she got back together with you, she didn't leave her for you? If i've got that right, then your g/f had already decided after quite a short time that she didn't want a relationship with this girl, so isn't really likeley to be getting up to anything with her now. She's chosen to come back to you, I can understand it was hard for her being with you before if shes very out and you wanted it all kept secret, however neither should you be pushed into coming out until you're ready. Theres a good chance you are both in a better place now for it to work out this time. As far as being in contact with ex's is concerned, from my own and friends experiences Ive seen that there are exes who truly become good platonic friends, and then there are others where its never going to be a comfortable friendship. You haven't been in your situation long enough to know where your g/fs ex stands here, but everything seems to be pointing to your g/f wanting to be with you, and you don't sound as though you have any other reason not to trust her, so at this point I don't think it would be helpful to make a fuss about her being in contact with her ex. Personally speaking Im not naturally a jealous person, so if I have suspicions I tend to trust my gut feeling, doesn't sound like you're naturally jealous either so time should tell if you have anything to worry about, but it sounds unlikeley!xxxxxxx

[appygirl]

Hi again,

 

Yes it is true that I do not trust this other woman at all. SHe is a complete drunk partier and has even asked my girlfriend (now her ex) where I live so that she can kick my a**. I mean she is totally immature and cant handle that my girlfriend came back to me. Like I said, my girlfriend still thinks that this woman is a good person and still talks to her on a regular basis. I am just so insecure because I went through hell when she decided to leave me and be with someone else....she really loved me but when she got with this other girl she was to afraid to deal with hurting me so just kinda cut off all contact. It ofcourse hurt me worse that way rather than just telling me the truth.. So long story short, once I was able to get her on the phone long enough to explain to her that I was having very serious thoughts about being with her and being in a gay relationship...she was SHOCKED. So ofcourse I gave her the opportunity to decide whether or not she wanted to be with me now that I am willing to be open about it...and she did pick me.

 

So that being said....the other woman is not happy at all and I cant get over the fact that she will do anything to get my girlfriend back....my trust was broken and I need to be able to trust her now that she is with me and not secretly behind my back with the other girl. She always tells me I have nothing to worry about, but Im having a hard time.

[Cadence308]

I am no relationship expert, but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask her to stay away from this ex girlfriend. She has a romantic history with her and if things are truly over between her and this other woman and she is with you, then she needs to respect your relationship and not hang onto past romantic relationships. I agree that people need friends outside of their romantic relationship, but there's a difference between a friendship and an ex-girlfriend relationship.

 

I do not think that you are being unreasonable or controlling in asking her not to see or talk to this other woman. You have every reason to be worrying about it and being insecure about it because she does have a history with this other person. I think when your girlfriend can confirm to you that she has no contact with this other woman then you can have confidence and trust in your current relationship knowing the past is in the past.

 

GL!