so hard to accept

[hopeforthebest]

hello, i would appreciate any advice on this.

 

I went out with my boyfriend for nearly three years, we broke up about 3 1/2 months ago-- here's my story. we were happily together for 2 years when he graduated from college (i'm a year younger than him). almost immediately he was relocated for boot-camp training and was accross the country for nearly 7 months. during this time he wasn't allowed to have visitors - so we saw each other only like maybe 5 days during this entire time. we talked nearly everyday during this time. early on during his time down there he would "shut down" as he would say because he wasnt sure he really wanted to do this job and that he was so closed off from everything he loved. basically it was hard on him leaving everything and everyone and never really having time to adjust from graduation.

 

summer passed and i went back to college, i missed him terribly and was having to make my own decisions about graduate school, the future, ect. we had always spoken about a possible future together but as decision time came he said he didn't want me sacrificing what i wanted to achieve for him, and i also didn't want to affect his career goals. as time passed and we were kept to limited contact and all he began to become somewhat distant. i was friendly with his family and they told me he was the same with them-- which was odd to them as well as he was very family oriented.

 

so finally his time away ends and he comes home. i'm still in school for another 3 months, so it is still long distance-- but only about 6 hours away now. he came to visit me on his drive back and i could tell he was happy to be back and i could tell he was still in love with me, but had a sadness to him once we would go out like we used to at school. so then he went back to his home after his visit and started working. his job is very intensive timewise and not what he had anticipated it to be.

 

1 month after coming back home, i went home for spring break and he told me he needed a break. since i knew he had been under alot of stress and i had felt him pulling away, we talked about it and i agreed to it. i still felt there was alot of love between us. his words to me were-- "I can see myself happily married to you, but maybe now isn't the time for us." He said he needed to be alone and figure out "where his life was going" we agreed it would be harder for us to talk during this time because we would just revert back to how we were.

 

so much to my surprise it is now 3 1/2 months later and i have heard nothing from him. i sent him one email to say that i knew we were young and both needed growing up time but didn't know if it was better to not talk at all or to keep in touch-- he never responded. i'm so confused because we had a great relationship and i really felt like he still loved me but we were just too young to be that committed. i haven't contacted him otherwise because i truly believed that he loved me and that he would find his way back to me and i was busy with job hunting and figuring out what i was going to do. but now i'm so very sad and confused because i can't understand how so much time could go by and him not even want to be friends with me. nothing sour happened between us and we had always been the best of friends.

 

what could be going on?

i don't know if he's upset that he hurt me and feels guilty..

if he's just not ready for a such a serious commitment but can't talk to me

or if its just over and i'm blind-- i can't understand how he could just completely fall out of love with me without even being with me...

or how even if he didn't want to be together with me again, how he wouldn't even contact me to tell me or to ask to be friends?

 

i'm so thoroughly confused-- can anyone help?

should i contact him just for answers/closure?

 

i dont' know how to get over him, we were so happy together- i don't even have any negative things to think about him or our relationship. we were just so happy before he left, i don't understand how he could not want that anymore...

[secret_agent_man]

I think you understand this better than you think you do. It is a very hectic time in your lives, and obviously he's had a lot of change recently. It sounds to me like he hasn't fallen out of love with you, that rarely happens if you truly had a good thing and left it on good terms. It's quite possible that he cares deeply for you, and knows he can't be there as much as he'd like to be, so he's trying to give you the space and life that you need, rather than making things hard for you. The military can mature some people very quickly, so there's a good chance that he's grown up to the realization that he needs to do this for you.

 

Step back and look at it from a different angle. Maybe it's really not what you want as far as the relationship goes. I know that's hard to accept, because you obviously care deeply for him, but realize that you might not like the long distance relationship, and you already mentioned that his job keeps him pretty busy.

 

Putting it on hold doesn't mean it's forever. Don't loose contact if you can help it, and maybe things will change later in life and you'll come back together. Don't plan on it, but there's nothing wrong with caring in the mean time. Just don't let your life stop and wait for him. Things will work themselves out. Have faith in yourself that you will make good choices, and don't dwell on things you can't control.

 

Hope this helps ease your mind...

 

[dmvcc1]

I dont normatlly respond on these but our situations are similar I am not really sure what to tell you other than that I am going throught the same thing right now. My GF and I dated initially almost 7 years ago, for about a year..I was madly in love with her but she had an ex that hung around too often and we ended it but stayed friends (too make a long story short, i was 21, she was 19) For 4 years that is what we did and although she ended up having that guys baby, we were still friends and for that entire time, I hated it. I loved her too much to walk away and wanted her in my life and that is why I stayed friends with her. She was very upset and distraught when she got pregnant, and although she has a big family and a lot of support, she talked mostly with me about it. It was so hard for me. About 10 months ago, we started dating again, and although we both wanted to go very slow, neither of us did and immediately got into a full fledged relationship which was ok with me. Everything has been perfect, about 4 weeks ago, I was out of town and she called to tell me how much she missed me and that she was glad I was coming home. A week or so after that, she was telling me how happy she is that her 2 year old daughter knows me and asks about me...then BAM, just like that, the following weekend she blew me off a couple nights in a row, decided to go out with her roommate on Friday night and then made plans with me on Saturday night, talked with her about 5pm and said are we going out tonight, she said yes that she would call me when she got home from her parents...I didnt even hear from her, she did not call until Sunday morning and acted like nothing was wrong...then on Tuesday night she told me she had stayed home but i saw her out at the bar...what the hell?? Lo and behold, she needs space, it is too quick, she went from a bad relationship into ours immediately and she questions it....I have not talked to her in a week, I have told her that I cant just be friends with her and that did not make her happy...we have never fought, never been mean, are very in love with each other (i think) and have quite a history, so why did she do this...I went from feeling so loved and on top of the world to nothing and the one thing that bothers me the most is the way she treated me.....not calling, lying to me...that hurts the most...now I think are there other times she did it...and with such ease!!! I dont understand either. I do know though, this will be the biggest mistake of her life...She is losing the catch of the century (not to blow my own horn), but I guess it is her loss. I dont have closure yet, and it does not sound like you do either...it has been 3 months, I would call him, maybe he is thinking the same things you are...but I dont want to give you false hope, at this point, what do you have to lose, call and ask hims straight out what is going on....if he bs's you or tells you at least you will know and you can start to move on. I have lost this girl twice now and I am getting tired of it..I am not sure what I am going to do, I am supposed to see her next monday night for a concert but I dont know if I want to...Call your man and whatever you do, dont accept "I dont know" from him...my gf is the queen of that!!