stuck

[whatchamacallit]

I'll try to make this short. I was divorced in 2004 and my ex-husband and I still communicate and are friends. The cause of my divorce was a terrible mistake. One that I live with and regret and cry about daily. I fell in love with a man that I work with. We were both married and decided to both get divorces to be together. This was so stupid. Stupidity that I didn't realize at the time. Gradually, about a yr. after my divorce I see more and more the sin of my actions, pain and heartache I've caused so many people. Especially myself. I know my ex would have me back in an instant if I would meet several criteria. Quit my job, counseling, and never see, talk, e-mail this person again. My mother is an "actor" in this play, too. I am an only child and she and I are close. She hates my ex with a massive passion. Lately, I have had the urge to go back to my ex. Not that I'm madly in love with him, but to correct the mistake. To feel that sense of belonging and family again that I miss so desparately. My mother told me I would lose her and that she would move back to where she came from if I went back to my ex. We were married 25 years. Also, losing this other man would hurt because we work together. I would have to look at that pain everyday. I feel so stuck. What do ya'll think about my mother's ultimatum? Is that cruel on her part? This is so very complicated and just wondered what others would do. Even though I'm not in love with my ex, is it right to go back just because he wants me back and to get relief? I'm not in love with my ex, but yearn for the familiarity and comfort zone.

[nikkers04]

I think what your mother is doing is wrong...She should love you no matter what you do. My mother Hated my ex but she always told me if I was happy that is all that mattered. So if your mother truly loves you she won't move away and disown you she may be disappointed but what kind of mother could she be if she disowned her daughter because she didn't like the guy she was with? You know what choice you need to make...deep down you know what you have to do and what you should do...so when you find the real answer...DO IT! Good luck

[ratherbesailing]

Watchamacallit -

 

You've got to be honest with your ex and let him know that you don't love him. If you aren't honest with him you are just being selfish and you will only be hurting him more. Can you realize he deserves someone who really does love him?

 

It seems to me that when people jump from one relationship directly into another people always end up getting hurt. I'd suggest you take some time to yourself without seeing either of them. Until you are okay being alone, I think you are going to feel stuck no matter which guy you are with. Maybe during that time you might find that you really do have feelings for the ex or maybe you will end up going in another direction.

 

It will also give your mom some time to adjust. She is wrong to treat you this way but what can you do?

 

Good luck.

[whatchamacallit]

All of you have very good answers. Especially you, ratherbesailing. I guess cause your closest to my age. How come it takes us time to realize what we really did? At the time it seemed right, but see the wrongfulness of our actions when it's too late. After being in a "barren" marriage for so long, I thought I'd be happy with this other person. I know I can't change what happened. What's done is done. I guess I feel that by going back I can undo all the wrong. And, in reality, I can't. All I can think about is...if only I had controlled myself and stopped this in the beginning, life today would be much simpler. I guess we all have those life changing regrets?

[NJRon]

Instead of it being a regret, you can follow ratherbesailing's advice and look at it as an opportunity to spend some time for yourself. You were in a 25 year marriage and then a relationship with this other guy. Give yourself some time with no one in your life. Heal and then you'll have a better perspective.

 

As for your mom's reaction, I don't know the history, but I think that she is being unreasonable to act in such a manner. I would lay it on the line that she needs to support and love you regardless of what you do.

 

Best wishes

[Gunther]

Okay, this really isn't that complicated.

 

1. I hate to say this because your close to your mother, but that was malicious and cruel on her part.

 

2. You have to be with someone you LOVE

 

3. You are helping no one by going back to "correct a mistake" by marrying someone you don't love.

 

4. You need some you time, consider if you will staying away from your mother and your ex, and this other boyfriend (husband?) of yours. Just take some time to evaluate your life.

 

basically do what you think is best reguardless of how your mother reacts. As long as he doesn't hit you, and doesn't try to control you, and does something besides sit around all day, she should just be bloody well happy.

 

There are my thoughts on the matter at least, hope it helps.