What to do if he calls!!??!!??

[designer71]

Hi Everyone, I need some help and opinions on this one. My boyfriend of a year and a 1/2 dumped me about 2 weeks ago. Long story short - I was treating him poorly, and I deserved to be dumped. I took him for granted.

 

I spent about 10 days after he dumped me crying and calling him asking to get back together. He didn't want to. But said he wanted to stay friends to see if our relationship could grow back into love. I said that if we couldn't be together, that I needed no contact - that was the only way I know to get over things and heal. He said that "how can we grow closer and possibly make it work again if I'm not around you to see any changes you have made in yourself?" which yes - I do need to work on a few things, and I fully intend to - but it hurts too much to be friends!!! So I did NC for three days, and after the third day, he called me 3 times and e-mailed me twice. For stupid reasons....The Patriots football game, etc. So I felt weak and went to his house, and before we knew it, we went to lunch (he insisted on paying) and then we shot a few games of pool and had a few beers. Then we went back to his house and watched a movie snuggled up on the sofa together. I was doing more of the cuddling - but he didn't really seem to resist or feel uncomfortable. He still clearly doesn't want to be with me right now, I could tell by his physical reactions - I think he just misses me.

 

I love him very much and I am very willing to work on everything, if he'll ever have me back. But here's my question: I e-mailed him this morning instituting NC again. I was very nice in the e-mail and said that I want him to understand that I am not trying to make things more difficult between us, I just need time to heal. Did I do the right thing? I feel selfish - I think I did the right thing for me, but not for him....he misses me, but he is the one who broke-up with me! I actually feel a little angry because if he doesn't want me anymore, then why call me at all?? ](*,) Isn't this what he wanted? Any perspective would be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks!

[Dako]

NC for just three days seems quitting smoking for three days. Might as well keep puffing.

 

If you guys are split up, how can you go out for a few beers and back to his place without sorting out your problems first? Somehow a discussion of your differences might be a better use of the time together than shooting pool. Did you guys communicate like this before the breakup?

 

As far as all the questions in your post, he might have those answers, but you have to risk asking him, then consider going off to NC land.

[Boricua7]

NC for just three days seems like quitting smoking for three days. Might as well keep puffing.

 

GREAT ANALOGY. Anyway, he needs to understand that NC is best for YOU and respect that. No, you're not being selfish because by doing NC you are taking time away from him to better yourself, which is what he wants isn't it? I think he is the one being selfish in expecting you to change when nothing else has.

[nikkers04]

Did you do the right thing in telling him you want to contact YES!!! After 2 weeks of nc my ex called...told me he missed me...but that isn't enough for me. Yes it made me feel better but until he misses me so much and wants to explode with out me in his life...I dont really want him around. Yes its nice going to his house and cuddle even though we are JUST friends now. But I dont want to be just his friend I want to be his gf so you need to put your foot down. If he doesn't want to be your boyfriend then Do nc and stick to it....Only answer after a while....3 days is not enough! You need to switch the tables...surprise him by sticking to your word and not talking to him....act like your fine with out him. Maybe even tell him its better off this way...he will feel like he is losing power and that will scare him

[Dako]

I'm a broken record (dated analogy) about this, but NC is a way to remove yourself from a bad situation to heal. It's not a method to instill longing in your ex or to show them how they take you for granted or a way to hurt them. It's a way to ignore them completely and take care of yourself.

It's not about them.

[Jut]

You are giving up yourself in his hands to play around. He calls you/emails you to keep you as a back up. Go out enjoy your life, its good yourealized your mistakes but think hard about it and he might be wrong at places too. Either ways, work on yourself and make yourself free of this emotioanl trap and before you know you will find love, may be with him may be with someone else.

[designer71]

Thanks all, you guys are right. Three days of NC is nothing.......I think he just feels lonely and is calling because it is a huge adjustment for both of us. I do agree that NC is a way to remove yourself from a bad situation and heal, not a way to instill longing in the one you love. I need to do what's right for me....thanks so much for the support though!