I know it's supposed to take time..but come on!

[Tolly]

Its been three years since my ex and myself split. She went off with another man and I went through depression. With the help of Prozac I was able to come out the other side...but I never want to go back to that place again.

 

I have had very occasional contact with her, we live in the same town. Initially I would do anything to get in touch, but towards the end of my dark period I learned it was best to have no contact at all. When she has initiated contact I feel as though she plays me if shes feeling a bit down. She knows what buttons to press and I guess its nice to know that someone might care if your current relationship is having a rocky spell...I dont know. Anyway, now I mearly respond to her questions if she asks anything and leave it at that, I never initiate any contact and I never continue the conversation.

 

I had reach a sort of stable place where I was just angry and only thought about it/her once a day..I sort of became stable and was able to have another relationship which is ongoing and has lasted 2 years.

 

However, recently I have heard that the ex is pregnant and this has raised alot of the demons I had buried and now Im back to dwelling on it 24/7. Come on..snap out of it, but my head just fills with thoughts without me even noticing, then its too late...im thinking about it. Three years seems an awful long time to still not be over it...dont you think?

[healinginnyc81]

Hey Tolly,

I'm really sorry you had to hear about your ex being pregnant. No matter how long it's been things like that are going to throw you back into thinking about everything. Don't worry about how long it's been, you can't help having all these thoughts come back. One thing I'll say though is that by allowing her to keep contact with you, it does seem like you leave a part of you holding on the past. I think you have to let her know that you aren't ready to be her support when she's feeling down because it drains you emotionally and it's not letting you put the past in its place. But it sounds like you've been doing well with healing and being in a stable relationship, give yourself credit for how far you've come.

 

Don't let it concern you that these thoughts are in your head though because there will always be things that trigger memories. Don't think you have to "snap out of it". Let your feelings run and talk them out on this forum or with someone you trust until they pass.

 

Good luck, I'm sure you'll feel better soon.

[Tolly]

You see my head fills with thoughts constantly..and not just one or two..its like hundreds going on all day...some good..some bad...some happy ..some sad. Its so tiring. I remember it was like this during the dark period...its like I enjoy making myself morose. I dont have much more fight left in me, when they started again, I felt the energy drain out of me. Why should I be bothered by this...she doesnt spend a single minuite thinking about me (more so now than before I guess!), and thats really annoying!! Now shes going to have a special moment with this other guy, and no matter how much she regrets it now, it will be the best thing that ever happens to her, and she will always have a link with this guy.

 

I dont let her have contact with me, and I dont act as a crutch. You understand that its my interpretation that she has 'played' me in the past. I might have completely mis-read it, but I dont think so.

 

It was a case of me trying to face mt demons by being in the same space as her and being polite...maybe saying hello, and thats it. But after a few weeks of this she got her confidence up and started talking about the letters I had written her after the split and how she had kept them...I call that a play, and when it started I left. Now I let her say hello or whatever, and thats the beginning and end of any conversation we have.

 

I should point out that the 'play' happened in 2004. We have bearly said a word since...because I ignore her. She has made a little effort...asking me how the dog is etc...I reply and make no further effort.

 

I hate that it bothers me. I want to not think about it, not turn and see whos coming into a room in case its them, not look into every car window as I drive to work...etc I would like to be friendly with her...wish her well on her happy accident and get on with my life, but she still has control over me, even though she doesnt know it.

[SuperDuper]

Exactly - she doesn't know it.

Meaning she won't continue to coax you on, for her own personal ego boost.

 

I guarantee with time, and if you continue NC with her, you won't even care soon enough. Remember, you have a new woman in your life who doesn't deserve to receive mixed feelings from you. If you don't feel stable, you should let her know first.

 

But I truly think this is just the "Shocked!" stage, where all of your emotions go crazy, but after awhile it'll die down, and won't be as big of a problem until one day you'll wake up and won't care at all what's going on in your life, since you took the time to make your life happy, and not worry about hers.

[Tolly]

shes been on my mind every day for 3 years...that cant be normal