Been Away

[Billythedog]

Hi,

 

My girlfriend has been away for almost a year only popping home every couple of weeks for the weekend. I have discovered that whilst she was away she went out to a couple of night clubs and got very drunk and ended up kissing someone. I know this doesn't sound serious but a) she lied to me about going out, we have a rule that says neither of us will drink heavy whilst we are apart and b) i am having a hard time accepting that is all that happened.

 

We have agreed we want to be together and she wants us to get married and start a family but i am struggling to accept it and move on. Am i being stupid or should i be right to be suspicious? And how should i move on with it. I appreciate this may sound petty but it is really eating me, i feel sick and have had a few panic attacks. I love her dearly but i am not sure i can stand my heart being broken again.

 

Rob

[Meow18]

It's a hard thing. The problem is that you really don't know if this girl will break your heart again. You probably trusted her not to in the first place. How can you trust her not to a second time?

 

Some people do take people back when they cheated. That's a choice you will have to decide on your own. I don't think your relationship will ever be quite the same anymore. It's a sad thing, but it's true. You both had rules, and unless she told you she didn't like those rules, you had no reason to believe that she would break them.

 

One major question you have to ask yourself is whether or not you think you deserve this. Do you believe that what she did to you is worth the pain and possibility of it happening again? This is about you and how you feel right now. Of course you still love her, and this is hard for you. But you need to think about how it will be for you in the long run.

 

If you do take her back, I suggest really talking about it. It might also help to see a couple's counseler.

[coollady1957]

Hello. When we find out that our partners have lied to us, it definitely makes for alot of suspicions. IF you have your relationship rules laid out on the table, and they are agreeable by both parties, then that to me is an emotional bind to each other to follow the guidelines on what is acceptable or not by each other. my EX BF and i had started dating, each other, exclusivley ( supposedly) and we agreed on what the limitations were. He violated the terms of what he and I agreed on in a serious way. Read my post here under infidelity titled, " HE lies , cheats, and decieves, when its it enough" and you will get an idea of how what he did.

One lie tends to lead to another and they feel they can get away with it, and have their cake and eat it too.

If some one starts out early on lying and covering up things, i strongly feel it will continue. The trust is never the same, ever. I have been there and been through it. NO matter how hard i tried i always had this gnawing feeling that he was still up to his dirty deeds. I went through the feeling sick, the anxiety attacks as well. I hope you figure out what you have to do. I know that not all relationships are doomed from situations where trust has been broken and that some of them are mendable. For me, this was not fixable anymore. It was time to move on. If this is the case for you, i hope you stay strong. IF i can be of any further help let me know.

[ratherbesailing]

Billy -

 

We all have our own set of criteria for what's acceptable and what isn't. She crossed the line you set and it hurts. Did she tell you right away, does she feel badly? Is there any sign that she's as shook up by what happened as you are? My experience is that when you have suspicious feelings, it is usually for good reason and there is more than one signal leading you to feel that way.

 

Are you okay with her only popping in every couple of weeks?

 

If you two weren't together, say you broke up a few weeks ago, would you be trying to win her back or would you be off looking for someone closer who hadn't hurt you?

 

I don't know enough to advise you what to do but it sounds like a good time to figure out whether this girl is really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. If she is, then you've got to tell her how you feel and let her know what behavior you find unacceptable. If she's got a much different idea about what's okay then you are in trouble.