Is this normal?

[shorty20]

so I've been officially dating this guy that I've been posting about ALOT for probably 2 months now. They've been nothing but great. Thing is, sometimes I have doubts. Due to our past and previous times that we've tried dating, it's really hard for me to trust him, but I fully realized that if I held onto that, it wouldn't work. I basically started new, and forgot about the past, because he had changed. The issue is, sometimes old issues surface.

 

Like.. the first time we dated, one of the reasons it didn't work was because he wasn't over his ex. We went to dinner with his work (which was an awesome time, by the way) but of course they would have to pick the restaurant that my guy's ex works at. He hadn't seen her in a long time, and I think it's best he dosen't. He's ok if he just talks to her on the phone once in a while, but when he sees her old feelings surface and confuse him... same with me... I can talk to my ex, but it's best for me to keep my distance when it comes ot hanging out. So I tried not to get mad when he got up to go the bathroom, and when I got up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom, he was up at the front talking to his ex ... he mentioned something about it later that night, like he saw me see him talking to her... I just tried not to make a big issue out of it... i mean, they were only talking, right?

 

So then last night we were at his house. We'd watched a movie and we were just sitting on his bed and he was playing his guitar for me, showing me some new stuff he'd learned. I was looking at pictures, and he told me to pull a shoebox down from his closet and wanted me to see those pictures. I did.... and it was FULL of pics of him and his ex. Why would I want to see that?? I'm not jealous, but I just think we've come so far, and I don't want her to mess things up again. When we were watching a movie last night, he disappeared into his room for a quick minute, and I was looking for him to ask him a question... as I got close ot the door, I heard him say "well I'll call you back later"... and then he hung up... I don't want to be suspicious... don't want to make a big deal out of nothing... but I don't want to be blind... we've already tried twice.. and I think if he hurt me a third time I don't think I'd be able to forgive him again...

 

Now, with all that being said, he has been amazing. I know he talks to other girls, just like I talk to other guys... maybe he thinks if he answers in front of me, I'll get jealous, even though they're just friends??? He's so caring, sweet, romantic... he's family oriented.. he's even helping me babysit my nieces this week. He jumps at the chance to see me, and I never feel neglected by him. Last night he was so sweet. I went to his house and we watched a movie, and then he asked if I'd lay with him for a while so we went to his room. He asked me if he could read to me... never had a guy ask me that before, but I thought it was kinda cute... then he played me a few songs on his guitar. Everything seems perfect, but am I just seeing what I want to see? Being blind to what is really true? Sorry this is so long, but any advice or insight would be awesome. Thanks guys.

[Ms Omaniac]

i would definitely talk to him about your insecurities so that he can reassure you that that's all they are...youre being insecure about a touchy issue.

and it's ok to be. everyone has sensitive topics that they need small reassurances every once in a while.

but he seems to be trying very hard in your relationship right now. as of right now...it seems he hasnt given you reason to doubt his devotion.

you could ask him to be more vocal about his ex and other friends that are girls so that you can be 100% sure he is just being a nice guy.

but you seem to have a trust issue. you neeeed to be able to trust this guy for you to be happy in your relationship and for you to enjoy his company.

you also have to realize that he is getting over his ex. and he is getting over her more and more everyday. but she still was a huge part of his life and it's something he just cant erase. it will deaden some...but not ever go away. try and accept that. if you accept it...he will be more willing to tell you more details...which might sting...BUT...it might also take away any doubt you might have. he will be able to be blunt about how great it was and how awful it was.

hopefully you will be secure enough and not get jealous. but all these past experiences have helped mold who your bf is today. and to get some insight on why he is the way he is helps you to understand him more.

[contento]

Shorty, I would ask him straight out, "what feelings do you have for your ex?" Any problems I've ever had, the solution was to always ask straight out, no fear.

 

Two possible outcomes:

A) He says yes. Now you know. You decide where to go from here as opposed to being oblivious to the fact, something that could come up and spoil things in hte future.

B) He says no. Your worries are gone, and you can continue the great relationship without a worry.

 

If he is kind of iffy about his response, just try to ease him into telling you if you can...if he can't actually answer, you can lean towards A, but at least you'll know a little more.

 

Good luck.

[goodquestion]

wow, that's a brutal tough one to answer, but I will say:

 

1. if you can never trust him, then you will never love him

2. if you have a gut feeling something is going on, then 99% of the time it is

3. in all honesty, he shouldn't be talking to her in any way, he's blowing the gentleman's rule -> never give attention to another chick when ur on a date with one -> never have eyes for another chick when ur going steady

4. 99% she probably has no real interest in him, she just wants to screw things up, it's an ego stroke for her -> since she can't have him, nobody should -> if she dumped him, well she'll never date him, but she likes jerking him around

5. you won't be able to convince him of any of this, he has to find that on his own, if you push too hard, he'll leave ... WITH THAT SAID, you don't deserve to be screwed around either ...

 

so ... it's a dice roll, go with your gut

 

later,peace

[SilverManic]

Everyone has insecuriteis at one stage of their relationship. My current relationship is the longest and happiest I've ever been in and this is due to being able to talk about all of them. I tell him if I don't like something, if I think that it might just be me with an over active imagenation I keep it to myself and get over it. I've had a simular relationship like yours in the past but I was so scared to say anything that I lost him.

I really wish you luck on this it's a difficult place to be in since you never know his feelings. But don't acuse and make it clear your not acusing him of anything. Just say to him that you feel insecure about it and would apreciate him enlightaning you on the truth, that it would put your mind at rest.

Good Luck,

~S.

[shorty20]

i just don't want to make something an issue that really isn't an issue. I don't care if girls call him, I just don't want him to be afraid to answer in front of me, because that's when I feel a little insecure about it. But everything's so perfect I don't know if I even want to bring it up. He isn't giving me any reason to think anything's up. I kinda think if i say anything, he'll think that I'm not over the past. The only way we can move forward is if I forget about the past. If it wern't for the past I wouldnt' be having these insecurities now...

[Ms Omaniac]

shorty

believe me...i know what you mean.

my current bf and i hooked up when he was separated from his wife. he divorced her in july. and we are still together. but i know he's had a hard time adjusting to being single again. i too would often wonder if he was over his ex.

but instead of interrogating him whether he was over her or not...id ask questions. he was more than happy to answer any questions. it wasnt like i said i feel insecure that youre not over her. it was more like talking about his past. and i can do this whenever i want now. i can hear about his ex's and not feel threaten. if anything...i find hearing about his past experiences..both good and bad...is interesting because it's his history.

but i also was like you...i didnt want to ruin something that felt so right to begin with. but i also found...with a lot of communication...it was also a huge load off of my mind. i tell him also about my ex's and he also feels secure knowing how devoted i am to him. whenever a friend of mine calls that's a guy...i answer it in front of him and then tell him about my conversation so that he wont feel insecure. he does the same for me.

im not saying to necessarily tell him youre insecure about what he's doing. just to keep the lines of communication open.

[shorty20]

so what kind of questions should I ask? Part of me feels like if I ask him all these questions about his past, it will bring back old feelings and old memories... I know she's been calling him and saying she wishes she could go back to him... she has a new boyfriend now that she lives with... I mean... do I ask him what's so special about her? or do I just say "hey, tell me about chelsey"... I don't know.. I mean, if you think it will work, I'll try it... but it just feels like getting him to open up about her will just be opening the door to their relationship and all those old feelings...

[Ms Omaniac]

well the way i did it was...to be sure we had a LOT of time together without any interruptions. then i just started to ask questions about his past. i started with easy stuff like family and old friends and what happened to them. then i started to ask about each of his ex's. he did the same. since then i can ask him ANYTHING or say anything to him or take phone calls from anyone and he does the same. we are very very very open. and if i ever start to feel insecure...i have no problem asking him whatever is on my mind. he immediately answers me and it feels like i have a huge weight off of my shoulders. im rarely insecure now.

 

and i KNOW it is because we are constantly communicating. he has told me also several times that i can ask him whatever i want and that no question is stupid or insignificant. sometimes he can tell i have a hard time asking him a question...so he slowly coaxes it out of me. and sometimes i think in the back of my mind...maybe i shouldnt ask this particular question...but when i finally do...i feel soooo much better because he immediately clears the air and then that question is put to rest.

 

but i feel like the reason my current relationship works so well is because we can tell each other anything without worrying the other person is going to get jealous or upset. and i used to be realllllllllly insecure. because we are this open...which does include listening to the good stuff about his ex's which does make me cringe inside...he is able to tell me anything. and i can tell because i dont get jealous...he finds it easy to confide in me and adore me so much moreso because i genuinely care about him and his history and anything he wants to share with me.

 

it is a very liberating experience really. i hope you are able to do this so that you can stop sweating the small stuff and enjoy your bf and your relationship without that nagging voice inside your head that is stopping you and making you worry.

[shorty20]

well, I guess it just bothered me, because after the night at dinner where his ex worked, we went back to my place and had a couple beers... I think the combination of old feelings from seeing his ex, and the alcohol, caused him to be a little to honest in telling me I was right and I needed to keep him away from his ex so he didn't make a stupid mistake?? He went a little more into detail and me being drunk myself, it just got me more and more upset because it was reminding me of the past when we broke up because of her. I'm usually ok with talking about her... but then after he saw I was getting a little irritated by it, he just gave me a huge hug and wouldn't let go for the longest time. He apologized and said that we were both a little tipsy and probably shouldn't be talkinga bout such a touchy topic and suggested we both just go to bed... he seems so sincere... I wish I just could erase the past so I wouldnt' be so worried. But then again, maybe it's best I do just ask him questions about his ex's...

[Ms Omaniac]

geez do i understand that one. god does it suck to hear they still can get flustered by their ex.

but what youre concentrating on too much is her control. youve become the significant other. you have more control of his happiness than she does. if anything...you are much more a threat that she is now. she prob made huge mistakes...and you havent. youre the one that is worthy of keeping. youre the one that he confides in now. youre the one he goes to when something good or bad has happened.

she might still have a portion of him...but she is losing ground everyday. it sucks that the fact of the matter is she USED to mean a lot to him. there is nothing you can do about it but accept it and try to move pass it. easier said than done but try not to focus too much on the negative.

he cares about you the most right now. try and remember that. she's history. youre the present. and he's loving and appreciating you more and more everyday.

[shorty20]

wow... thank you so much... you have no idea how much you just made all my insecurities and doubts go away. You're right... and I can't wait to sit him down and ask questions now, lol... i'll keep everyone updated. Thanks again. I really appreciate the pep talk and the advice, lol

[Ms Omaniac]

i hope he answers your doubts. there is nothing like finallly having a relationship with complete trust and devotion with no insecurities. im FINALLLY having that at age 33...haha.

if you can get that in your 20's...more power to you.