Holding on to avoid letting go of the fears

[butterflycloud]

I know that I am going to sound awful but I need some assistance.

 

Ive been divorced for a year now yet I still see the ex and yes we still sleep together. I dont want to get back together with him( he was abusive to me and my son) yet I just cant seem to break away completely./

 

We still see each other on weekends and he still asks if we will ever really get back together. I enjoy being with him as we get on quite well- well I supose things are good becasue there are no stress factors like when we were married- no money, child, parents in law, abuse issues.

 

I know that we can never get back together yet part of me is staying with him for selfish reasons- I enjoy the good times, the compliments, and I suppose I like the fact too that he isnt with anyone else. The thought of him being with another kills me.

 

I know that I should tell him that we cant see each other anymore and that he should move on and find a new love but Im so afraid of loosing him even though I dont really want him.

 

My actions make no sense at all- I guess what Im asking you is the following- How do I let go of my fears?

 

Im afraid of being without him or knowing that he is there for me and not someone else. I know that Im being sooooo selfish but Im so afraid!

[coolbloke1978]

The obvious....cut contact for at least a period of 2 months...or limit contact (as you have a child together) take time out and re-assess what you really really want. It will be difficult but it is the best thing to do at the moment. Also try this book:

 

link removed

[butterflycloud]

thanks for the advice- I know that I should break the contact but Im a very emotionally orientated person.

 

I need to learn about why I feel this way- why do I want to 'keep' him even though I dont want him. Why do I want to be with him on weekends but not for eternity?

 

Perhaps Im trying to avoid the inevitable pain of letting him go .Part of me still loves him

[ravens_folly]

well the point of this is to just cut contact and see how you feel, you don't know how you really feel because your still clinging on to old emotions.

If you cut contact and reassess your relationship with him, without him, maybe you find that you don't miss him at all, or maybe you will find that there were things you do like and that maybe he will decide to become a better person and you guys could work something out.

The possibilities are endless, but you have to make a NEW start.

Cutting contact allows both parties to heal and decide what they really want, and how they really feel.

[butterflycloud]

Thanks Ravens folly.

 

I spoke to him last night and told him that I didnt think that we could ever really get back together and that I was being selfish by holding onto him and maybe giving him 'false hopes'. I told him that he too deserves happiness and that perhaps he should move on.

 

The problem is that he doesnt want to let me go- he still thinks that we can resolve our issues. But perhaps I need to take your advice and break the contact.

 

Im also afraid to break it off because he will start being abusive again and start threatening me with lawyers again when it comes to my son. Every time I have told the ex that we cant be together he starts all the threats.

 

But for my own sake and his I will have to break the contact.

[onmyownagain]

Why don't you just give it another go? Are you hoping someone better will come along? Sounds like you have a good relationship to me as long as you put in the effort you might just find you can be happy together.

[butterflycloud]

I dont want to try again unless he goes some serious therapy and makes ammends with my parents, but I know that he wont do that.

 

Im just trying to figure out why I still have feelings for him when i dont really want to be with him.

 

He sent this email this morning- see what you think:

"Hey,

 

I have done some thinking about us and the bottom line is that I do want you and I do want you to feel the same.

 

How we can do this is going to be quite unusual- I think.

 

I have come up with this.

 

You have find it difficult to make a decision about us , even if you have been around me most of the weekends and during the holidays.

I suggest that we cut all social contact with each other for about a month or two. Only phoning, speaking and seeing each other when we have to-- where Matt is concerned. In this time, you will realize what you want and I pray that I will be part of that. I am hoping that it will give you quality, time for you to think things clearly through.

 

I want to be with you, for more than one reason and I Need for you to feel the same.

 

This is hopefully what you need to make an informed decision.

 

Please give me your thoughts on this."

 

But I know what he really means- I know that he just wants to mess around for two months going out all the time and he is a real flirt. He also told me that he has no one in his life but then I found all these messages on his phone from 2 girls. So if he lied to me about that he could lie about anything.

 

I know that I may need space to really think things through but how can I trust what he is doing- I dont know if I should just tell him to leave the whole thing. Im not prepared to sit down and think hard about us while he is doing 'god knows what'!