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[JHEMP]

My wife and I was married for 2 years, we have had a few ups and downs in our marriage. She moved out on November 5th of 2005. She said she did not want a divorce at that time and wanted to think about it. We did not hardly talk for the month of November, I did make the classic mistakes of sending her e-mails begging and pleading for her to come home. We started talking again in early December and have had better conversations in the last 5 weeks than we have had for years. I had some problems in that I had back problems and my doctor prescribed Vicodin for the pain. I took it only as prescribed for 1 1.2 yrs. I believe it to have caused many of our problems as while taking it I felt devoid of emotional feelings and became isolated. I had stopped taking it shortly after she moved out. I know feel and act like my true self. I have made her aware that I quit taking it and she was happy. Our conversations started to include things that we would do differently as far as our relationship and other things if she moved back. We decided to start marriage counseling and had our first session yesterday. The first question from the counselor was why are we here, My response was that I wanted to regain our marriage ans her live, her response was to see if she wanted to continue the marriage or pursue a divorce. I was shocked by this. After the counseling we went to eat and I asked her and her response was she was not sure if she still had the love for me or not. One part of her wants to return to me and one part is not sure. We have another appointment for next Tuesday. I am lost as to what to do. I want nothing more than to have her back in my life but sometimes I feel that I am just prolonging the divorce process. To me love is there or it not. She says she wants to believe it me but so far it is only words that I am saying. I do not know how I can prove it to her without being with her. I am staying in our house and I am needless to say a emotional wreck. When I am here I am depressed and cry allot. Any advice or interpretation of what you may think she want

 

Thansk

[Moon Goddess]

First of all welcome to enot alone

Second by your post I would say she is really confused as to what she wants my advice is to continue going to counselling that may help her decide Don't pressure her to make a decision soon because that can just make things worse, maybe all she needs is time to think things out keep us updated and again welcome to enotalone.

[Danny H]

How long were you together before you married?

 

also it is often a good idea that when you leave councilling, you don't discuss what went on in the session until the next day ( feelings are raw)- and then only set aside a set amount of time for the discussion, otherwise your partner gets too stressed.

 

Dan

[Ms Omaniac]

agreed. she sounds confused and that she has maybe lost her way a bit. you need to be as open as possible to hear her criticisim. it will probably sting quite a bit but it's information you need to know and hear so that you can work on your relationship. maybe she's been unhappy for too long and this has caused her to look at you differently. she slowly needs to be reminded why she fell in love with you in the first place. you may need to start over. it might not be the same but it could at least be stronger. try NOT to pressure her. i know that's easier said than done. but give her space. communicate as much as possible and try to be a good listener...know when to bite your tongue. DEFINITELY keep up with the counseling. try and get stronger because being a strong, independent person is very attractive. she will not want to go back to someone that is crying all the time. (at least that's what my ex told me...heh.)

take care of yourself. good luck.

[JHEMP]

Thanks for the reply. i little more back ground. I am 51 and me wife is 44. We were both married before. We met in Dec 1999 about a year after our divorces. We moved into together in 2000. We moved into this house in December 2002 and was married in Sept 2003. She actually lives about a block from me know. My confusion comes from furring the last month she has stopped by almost everyday and if not we have talked on the phone. She was the one that suggested counseling. The last 2 weeks we have had conversation as to things we would do if we got back together. Nether one of us has seen or talked to anybody else during time. I am lost as to what to do to regain her into my life. My love for her has never been a doubt as she is the love of my life. I can not comprehend how you do not know if you love somebody or not. I will try anything but sometimes I feel I just want closure in one way or another. I was handling things better until we started to talk about again and now I fell Iam back to square one

[Danny H]

Jhemp, you are going to have to do a lot of listening.

 

If your situation is like mine, your wife has been unhappy for some time, and all the while you have blundered on oblivious.

 

They have then reached a point of no return-so to speak- and they break off.

 

It comes as a shock to you because you missed the signs, they are more prepared for the break because they have been thinking about it for a while.

 

You on the otherhand have to get up to speed quickly.

 

Listen to her, don't argue your point, go away and see if any of it rings true.

 

Try and fix what you can, but don't promise miraculous changes, just work on them quietly.

 

If there is love still there surely it can grow with the right approach, but beware it can extinguish with the wrong approach- don't charge her down to make quick decisions

 

Dan

[JHEMP]

Danny Is sounds as we both have been done the same road. The frustrating thing I deal with is knowing that I am sincere in the changes I have made. I made these changes not only for us but mainly for my mental and physical health. I blindly followed my doctors advise and continued to take the Vicodin. Even though my dosage was small the long term usage did cause personality changes in myself. I have been off them for over 5 weeks. I feel like I have come out of a fog, but at the same time my emotions are running rampart since they are not being blocked anymore. i guess I am am not different than anybody else as the thing that gets to me is loving somebody the way i love her and not knowing if her love will ever return. She did stop by a few minutes ago as she uses my washer and dryer. I told her that regardless of how much I love her if she was not going to the counseling as a means of salvaging out relationship I did not want to continue. Her rely was that she would not be going if she did not want to salvage it. Your comment about not talking about the counseling the same day is good advice. I even mentioned it to her and she agreed. SO I guess I will see what next Tuesday counseling appointment brings . One positivr thing is tha teh councelor we are going to made the statement that he does not believe in divorce and does see that we both have love for each other and our problems were fixable

[Ms Omaniac]

i cant stress to you enough how accurate dan is.

 

my current bf was married before. he ex was unhappy and he didnt pay attention. she was unhappy for quite some time also. when she was finally ready to call it quits...he was rather shocked. he didnt even realize how serious it was. and no matter how hard he tried...she never ever wanted to go back. she said she would do the counceling only because he insisted on it but she knew also that it wouldnt work. so he cut his losses and gave up.

 

also, one of my best friends that is a female is getting a divorce right now. she has been unhappy for years. she complained in the beginning to deaf ears on her husband's part. then she just kept quiet about her agony. it really hardened her. when she was finally ready to call it quits...her husband was very surprised. and no matter how hard he has tried...she no longer has any feelings towards him. she tried long ago and he didnt. now he's trying to no avail. it is also a point of no return for her. she is never looking back. she also would have had counceling only because everyone insisted on it...but she also knew it wouldnt work because she just didnt love him anymore.

 

at least your wife is willing to go to therapy. maybe she isnt there yet. maybe she is trying and you arent ignoring the signs. maybe. i hope for your sake.

 

but listen to her and try to be as understanding as possible. she will probably say some scathing remarks and critisize you. dont take it defensively. take it as honest criticism that maybe you need to work on.

 

take care. good luck.

[JHEMP]

Ivy thanks for the response. I guess one of my problems is that I after we talk I try and analyze everyword she says. I guees I need to step back and look for the positives, she is the one that wanted to try counceling, she admits that part of her wants to return to me, she does stop by almost everynight after work and talk. i have listened to her and like you said soem of the things that she sadi did hurt but I could not dis-agree with them. I guess I should look at that as a positive as she is able to voice her/our problems. I have been working on allot of things anf I thnk I need to * * * patience to the top of my list. One of her comments was we did nit get where we overnight so it is not going to be a overnight fix. I am gald that I found this board, somethimes you think that you are unique as far as your problems. I mosed to this town to be with her and do not have that many friends to confide in

[Danny H]

One positivr thing is tha teh councelor we are going to made the statement that he does not believe in divorce and does see that we both have love for each other and our problems were fixable

 

That is quite a statement for a counselor to make!!!

 

Did they make it to both of you?

 

Surely if your wife is considering divorce, this is unfair to her.

 

Dan

[JHEMP]

Yes he did make to to both of us at the end on the first sesion. His comment was that if she was looking for a councelor for a transition phase he could recomend one. His comment was that after talking to both of us indivudually he could see that there was enough love to work through what he considered fixable problems. He asked her if she wantred to continue to coem and see him based upon his previous counceling and she agreed. Her biggest fear is that I am saying things just to get her back. She admitted to me ealrier today that it is that fear that is holding her back. As I mentioned before I have to learn to be patient and let time show her I am sincere. I know I never want to through the feeklngs of isolation like I did at Christmas and New Years, but on a pisitive note she did onvite me over to her parents for Christams dinner, I had reservations but I swallowed my pride and went. It was very nice.

[Danny H]

Jhemp, that all sounds very positive, good luck and take it slow

 

Dan

[JHEMP]

Thanks Dan, Slow is the keyword. I am the type of person that hates gray areas but I have to learn that ther are things I can not control. It must come from my occupation in sales and also being a musician. All my friends thing that why would you want to be married as " musicans have it made". I guess they havn.t felt the lonliness of driving home at 2 in the morning to a empty house