How to end a live in situation.

[sassafras]

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago after the bad in my relationship had really hit rock bottom.

 

The details: we've lived together for 2.5 years. He is from Hawaii, we live in Missouri. He has no family here. He has been unemployed since April, and just only started working on getting a job when I told him a week ago he had two weeks or needed to move out.

 

The issues: we've not been getting along, I've been pretty checked out of this relationship for quite a while now. We have no intimacy. Two weeks ago his mood swings got really bad, he threw things at me, and was really just mean. I have been supporting him financially and cannot continue. He is very co-dependent and lazy, and has no goals or aspirations.

 

My decision: I want to break up. I care about him as a friend but I need to live my own life again and cannot continue to take care of him. His emotional issues are draining on me, and his neediness is driving me insane.

 

My dilemma: he has no money. I need him to come with me to switch the cable bill into my name, and I need to take him off one of my checking accounts. How do I approach this? What if he refuses? Then here's the real kicker: do I buy him a plane ticket home, once again spending even more money on him and just get him out of my hair, or do I let him remain in the house until he gets a job and can fly himself home? It seems cruel to just throw him out on the street with nowhere to go. Especially since he's not a bad person per se, he's depressed and I am becoming certain he's bipolar.

 

I feel really stuck. I want him to leave, but I can't get perspective on how to make that happen. Since I do actually care about him (altho not romantically) it makes this even harder to accomplish.

[arwen]

Hey Sassafras,

 

I think you are a great and caring person to feel so responsible for him. I also think it's wisest to break up if all romance and love is gone. Sounds like you are sure you want to leave, the question is how and when.

 

He is a grown man, and he should be able to function on his own. Do you know that most of us are capable of much more when we REALLY need to? He is now used to you paying every bill there is. Are you sure he will be completely hopeless without you, or has he partially grown dependent on you in addition to his depression?

 

I think it's best to do all in good communication with him. It strikes me that you don't seem worried about his feelings about the breakup itself, just about the change in the (financial) situation. Do you feel that he feels the same about you (i.e. that the relationship is over?).

 

Maybe your second plan is best, to have him stay in the house until he can support himself on the way home. It's sad, but I think you will feel best with this sort of middle-solution: you are gone, but still a bit supporting him.

 

He's still a friend, and you'd probably help a friend in the same way. Support him like you would support a friend, but no more.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[NJRon]

I was in a similar situation as yours, at least as far as having someone living with me and feeling stuck because they had no money to leave. The difference is, they wanted to leave. I ended up giving her the means to get out if that's what she chose to do, and she did. Frankly, it was much better for my mental health than having both of us stay in a disfunctional situation and was worth the money.

 

She wasn't taking advantage of me quite as badly as this guy seems to be taking advantage of you. However, if you can get him to leave, you may be best off just writing off the loss to get him to move on.

 

It's a tough situation for sure.

[sassafras]

Thanks Isle,

 

I think we both know its over, although neither of us have said it. I think he is really needy emotionally right now because he's depressed, but not because he is still in love with me.

 

Good points and thoughts, appreciate the input.

[sassafras]

NJRon -

 

Thanks, its good to hear from someone who's been there. Actually, I think there's a slight possibility he'd leave if he had the means. Maybe. Perhaps this conversation would just go better than I think it could. Money is tight, I only make a one person salary and I've been supporting 2 for months now. But I did find reasonable airfare for a one way ticket to get him home, probably worth my investment.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[ratherbesailing]

sassafras -

 

It is hard enough breaking up with someone without having to worry about how they are going to get by but you've already done more than your fair share. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

You should be able to get him a one way ticket for $300 or $400. That's got to be less than feeding him for a few more weeks. It isn't that you owe him but you'll be at peace sooner and it will probably cost you less in the end.

 

Depending on how the accounts are written up you may be able to either have him removed without his signature or you may be able to close the accounts and open new ones. If the checking account started as yours, it should be easy for you to remove him without his signature. The cable will probably be even easier if he hasn't been the one actually paying it and you tell them that he's moved out. A phone call should be able to tell you exactly what needs to be done. I have to image they've dealt with these issues plenty of times.

 

Good luck, the quicker you handle this the better for both of you at this point.

[yelloemail]

i am so pround of you.. i know so many women who would just continue with the relationship for dependency reasons. you, however, are an independent woman that is VERY smart! personally, i feel as though you should get him out asap. what a jerk to take advantage of you like that. i wish you well - i know you will make the right decision since you are so smart. good luck!

[Danny H]

Buy the plane ticket, if he gets a job, in order to pay the ticket, what if he decides to stay for the sake of work etc.

 

Phrase it that you are sending him back to be with people who love him.

 

Living together, and trying to sort through this will only bring pain to both of you.

 

Best

 

Dan