Struggling...

[yunyun_sin]

Haven't been here for a while since I've been trying to keep myself busy but I'm at my ultimate low again so here I am, once again...

 

It's been just over 2 months since my ex dumped me. The first 4-6 weeks was living hell, then I got a new job, started hanging out with new ppl etc. and sometimes felt as though I might be okay although he was constantly on my mind, and the thoughts of how it ever ended up like this never left my mind either.

 

Being the festive season I was in a general low again - thinking about the plans we had for X'mas/NYE and also the fact that it's the first time in a decade I'm spending this time of the year alone. Doesn't help when I'm hitting the big 3-0 in 2 weeks time

 

Anyway, I found that I simply cannot move on from him, emotionally. My new job involves meeting a lot fo people, and not to be errogant or pretentious or anything but I am a relatively attractive girl so get hit on a hell of a lot as well - to be honest, almost to the point where I'm sick of it. However...I just don't feel as though I can go into a relationship, not even just a casual one. Maybe a kiss, okay, but anything beyond that is just impossible - first of all I compare everyone with him, and how I felt towards him when we first met, and no one compares to him. Even if there's someone that I'm maybe semi-interested in, it's probably a combination of fear of being hurt again, and the fact that I'm still so much in love with my ex I just feel as though I cannot be with someone else. Has anyone experienced this feeling? What can I do to get over this? I feel as though even if I have a chance of being with someone else I will miss out on it but just shutting myself out of it, but I just can't help it at the mo...

 

What I can think of is that we still have each others stuff and he hasn't asked for his keys back but I feel as though it's about time we sorted these out in order to move on properly. We never got to have the closure talk and I've got a few things I want to say and ask, and I feel as though I need to put these accross to him somehow, whether it be face to face or by email. I know it's something that you probably shouldn't do to get the guy back, but in my case I just feel as clarification/comprehension is something I need to achieve for myself, even just ot move on... What to do... *sigh*

[helpneeded]

u definitely need closure, just to finalise everything. get rid of all the things that belong to him, chuck them all into a box and put it somewhere u won't see or throwing it away would be better, but i don't think u have it in u to that as u're so in love with him.

 

i have experienced the exact feeling of no one measuring up to my ex, and i tried being with someone too...but it lasted in total of 6 weeks, with a breakup every week in those 6 weeks. i thought i was ok with moving on and that this new guy i was with would make me feel happy. but at the end of the day, let's not deny it, if u're still crazy about ur ex, its pretty pointless and unfair in having a relationship with someone else.

 

i think u should just do some healing on ur own and wait till u're emotionally ready to be with someone else. yeah u're right, i feel like i'm missing out by shutting myself out too...i have to turn down the greatest guys who would just be so so good to me, but i guess there's no kidding urself, if u're not ready, then u're just not.

 

good luck, hope u move on soon!

[TiredMan]

It's only been a couple of months. You won't feel able to be completely with someone else, until you have moved on. There is no time limit of how long that takes. It's different for anyone.

[MiquelAngelo]

Yeah you need to get over him, I dated a woman after breaking up with my ex . Out of the blue my ex called telling me she was thinking about us and "What could have been" , I realized I still had deep feelings for her so I broke it off with the other woman. It isn't fair to date someone who really likes you if still have feelings for your ex. Give it time.

[yunyun_sin]

Thanks for the advice guys. Yes, I do know I need to get over him but the question is how - is it only something that time can solve? The more I try and force myself to move on, the stronger the drawback seems and yes, of course it's unfair to the other interested party - I always make a point of telling them that I'm just not ready for a relationship as I'm not over my most recent one.

 

It will be my ex's birthday in 15 minutes or so, and just this morning I learnt that he had his birthday bash last night. He of course invited all our common friends, but not me. It wasn't unexpected, but it still hurts I was chatting to a good friend about this earlier on, and he told me that I should just be glad that he spared me from the dilema of wondering whether to go or not, and eventually having to say no - in other words he reckons that I should not see him if I'm not over. That made me think of what I want out of the current situation - friendship? get back together? A complete NC? I initially thought that there would be nothing better if we could get back together but now I'm not so sure - if we ever did get back together, I'd probably have to live in constant anxiety of when he is going to leave me again. That leaves the option of friends, or just NC. Would love to be friends again, but I wonder if it's again something that would only come with time...

[blue boy]

yun yun - I know you are in terribly upsetting situation - a hellish limbo where you probably realise you can't go back; but at the same time can't move on with anybody else.

 

It's strange that I am offering advice as I feel exactly the same.

 

Surely the fact that you are at least 'hit on' by men helps your self-esteem at least though. You must realise that one day you will recover but at the moment your brain is still full of swirling emotions and feelings i.e. like most of at this stage we are somewhat 'irrational' even though we might not admit to it.

 

You really need to try and focus completely on yourself for a while and be selfish. I can guarantee eventually somebody will 'hold' your attention and your heart will start racing again.

 

It won't till you are healing faster. The tough news for us all is that time moves inexorably slowly at the moment.

 

I really hope things improve for you. meanwhile just 'hang' around with the rest of the wandering 'undead' on this site !!

[yunyun_sin]

Thanks blue boy - I guess I do need to focus on myself and heal on my own at the moment.

 

I now know that he is completely avoiding me - no replies to any of my merry Xmas, happy new year, happy birthday messages... my stuff being at his place can't be doing any good other than annoying him (not that he's said so) so I'm thinking of going to get my stuff back, and giving him his stuff that I have - I just feel as though this is one of the things I need to do sooner or later to speed up the process. The question is, since I have the key, do I just go unannonced, collect all my stuff and leave the keys behind whilst he's at work or something, or do I arrange a meeting with him? I know it's cowardly of me, but I just fear that if I do see him the little healing that has been done up until now would all burst open again...

[yunyun_sin]

I really wonder if I'm every going to get over this - one moment I think I'm alright, and the next moment I'm in the dumps again.

 

Tonight I met up with a whole bunch of people both my ex and myself used to hang out with. Quite a few of them who obviously hadn't heard the 'news' asked me where my ex was, and it hurt. It also hurt to see other couples still together - it seemed like nothing had changed, except for the fact that my ex wasn't there by my side, and it made me miserable, and at the same time bitter, and I hate myself for it...](*,)

[TiredMan]

Oh that'll happen at first but at least you know those people won't be asking you that anymore.

[friscodj]

yunyun- I understand how you feel. I will be to big 3-0 next month and just had my heart broken as well.

 

Time will heal your pain. In the mean time, I really think you should stay away from dating and focus on yourself. Be patient with yourself, it's OK. It sounds like you have no trouble getting dates, but if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Make a decision to heal first.

 

Do you have hobbies you are passionate about? Did you ever want to pick one up but never did? Now is the time to make your life better than it was before. Start volunteering and/or exercising, both things will keep you busy and exercising keeps your body fit and releases chemicals to the brain which relax you. If you already do these things, try different sports/activities or volunteer organizations. Focus on your work. Spend time with good friends and I know it helps me to talk about things with them. Just suggestions, but the bottom line is to keep your mind occupied with something positive other than doubt, worry, self-pity, etc.

 

As far as your closure goes, there is no shame in boxing up his stuff and leaving it at his place when he isn't there. You tried to contact him and he didn't respond. I would write a letter to him really closing things and leave it in his stuff. Once you make the drop-off, commit and promise that this is it, for good, no going back no matter what.

 

As far as measuring other guys to your ex, everytime your think how great your ex was, think of something about him that was imperfect or bothered you. It takes time but if you keep doing that, eventually it sinks in through the heartache that this guy really wasn't for you.

 

Time is really the only way to get over this. Just try to generally move in the right direction and expect some setbacks along the way. Things always work out OK.