Getting that spark back

[mikeaman]

I hoping someone out there can give me a word of advice or two… Anyway my story is a long a rough one that would take pages to explain. The short version goes like this: My girlfriend of almost 6 years and I have been on a "break" for roughly 5 months. Unlike her I know what I want. She keeps going back and forth.

 

A few days ago she comes up to me and tells me she realized that she is through playing games, and that she wants to be with me. She said she loves me and wants to work things out. Now for me this is a little hard to believe and I know it will take time to rebuild, but id rather it be fixed now. I look at her and I want to be able to be romantic and intimate with her. I try and try, giving 100% and I get nothing back. She puts maybe 25% into this. All she is doing is taking. I just want something from her, some sort of affection and romance.

 

We have talked and she said that she just doesn't feel it right now. What do I need to do in order to be intimate and romantic with her again, or is it even possible. I know she loves me and I love her. It's just hard for me because I want her, and I don't think she really knows what she wants.

 

Any advice?

[Lightingbird]

Accept the possibility that she may in fact may never get her feelings back to how she felt about you in the past. Some scars are hard to heal. Instead try to create new memories and stay positive with your feelings toward her. Give her some time to turn around.

 

Although...

 

Don't forget about yourself. Once you feel you can no longer expect her to return back to the way that she made you happy in the past. Consider that you might need to move on in your life. Don't allow her acceptance to keep you in her life, only to allow her confusion drag you down.

 

Try to keep your relationship alive and fruitful by expressing your feelings, being loving, and not giving up. Keep your head up.

 

Good luck to you.

[mikeaman]

How long should I keep trying, or can you even put a time on it? I dont want to pressure her into anything as I dont feel thats right. I also dont want to keep trying and not getting anywhere.

 

See for me its like I have two options. I can either move on which sucks as it would take me a while to want to date again and even then I may not really feel it, or I can try for her and hope she really does want me like she says. Both options though will take time, I just dont know which one is better.

 

I love her to death, I really do. And I want to be with her, but its just so hard to put your all into something and not get anything back. Does that make sense?

[dcfc_fan]

You make perfect sense -- you want to feel like all of your effort was worth it.

 

Have you talked about how your girlfriend feels? What's keeping her going back and forth? The fact that she's putting in 25% while you put in 100% implies that she's still uncertain about you two. After six years, it's likely there is a significant change, that happened or will happen soon, that's fueling her uncertainty. If you are in college now, are either of you going to grad school? Have you discussed moving in the near future? Have you two discussed progressing your relationship to the next level? These are just some things that could be haunting her. It's also possible that the two of you have changed considerably over the last six years.

 

It's important you figure out what her reservations are before you try to get your relationship back to where it was. In doing so, hopefully you'll figure whether you should invest your heart into making your relationship work or move on. Hang in there man!

[PocoDiablo]

Here's a serious tip: Stop putting so much effort into things. I suspect that you are over-doing it, which makes her feel like you are trying to win her over, trick her, whatever. If you are doing everything for her like she is your child that's not attractive.

 

She is her own person, she needs space and independance. I know you want to have a sexual relatonship with her, but you should make her work for it. Consider yourself the prize, and only if she treats you nicely will you reward her with your presense. Instead of chasing her, pull back and make her chase you.

 

I think there is a lot more to this, but you haven't posted any details so it's hard for us to give any advice...

[RayKay]

I think you should maybe stop putting in 100% at this point, back of a little. She just came back, and it sounds like she is still unsure, and that effort on your side, may feel more like pressure at this point.

 

This is a rough one to answer, because after 6 years, and at age 22, my thoughts are perhaps that spark won't come back, but because you are both so young, and been together so long, you have essentially grown up together, so both feel safe with one another and so it's harder to go separate ways. I am not saying you SHOULD go separate ways, but I am saying that I think you both need to take a look at things and let things progress naturally, or rather see if they can. It's hard when you have been together so long at such young ages, because you have done so much growing together, but there is also a pull to figure yourself out, and that ends many relationships. It can be done within the confines of the relationship, but you both need to respect one anothers independence and individuality to do it.

 

You have to take time right now, and not rush back into the romance and intimacy, you need to work on the foundation first, figure out how to heal and fix what went wrong in the first place, and then both see where things go, and whether this is the relationship for you, and decide where things are going with it, and whether you are together for the right reasons.

 

Good luck.

[mikeaman]

Yeah I guess I have been trying too hard. It just sucks as I know what I want, and what I want I cant have, at least not now. We have talked about how she feels and all of those conversations go no where. All she can tell me is that she loves me, wants to be with me, but doesnt know whats going on right now.

 

Sometimes its like I am talking to a wall. I am more of a logical thinker, where as she is not (and she admits to that fact).

 

I guess my main fear is that if we cant get things better now (sense she has been here for a month on break), how can we expect to work on this when she goes back to school? I mean its hard enough right now, but then when she leaves she goes back to her separate life.

 

I just wish I knew what was going on with her. I wish she knew. I feel its like she just wants to do her thing then when college is done she wants to get back with me.

 

If youd like to read more indepth into this situation I posted below more deatil. Bottom line is I am still lost, completely confused. Its like I am pulling off leaves (she loves me... she loves me not sort of thing).

 

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I'll try to be as brief as I possibly can, but still make sense. The gist of the story goes like this: My girlfriend of almost 6 years and I have been on a break for about 5 months. Basically the first 3 years were pretty good. We hung out, had fun with each other and our friends, but then things started to get plain and boring. We pretty much started staying home and not doing much.

 

A year in a half ago she went off to college. We did ok with the long term relationship for a year (its not super long away, she is 4 hrs from me so I can visit every now and then), but she started to change. She got all this new freedom and came back to me this last summer and everything went bad. She started to lie, hung out with a guy from work a lot (actually spent the night at his house, though she said nothing happened, and I do believe her on that) and then when I was fed up she asked for a break.

 

So then we go on this break and honestly it's been hell. Not so much for her, but for me. She still called me every day, said she loved me, I visited a few times and we would kiss, make out, etc.. So to me it wasn't even really a break, it was just weird. It's like she wanted me their, but didn't. She wanted me, but not really. Does that make sense?

 

Then about a month ago or so I find out she went way over in cell phone min (we have shared min on a phone bill). She had conversations in the middle of the night lasting hours on end. I asked her about it and she told me it was a guy. Now as a guy I don't really like chatting on the phone that much. So it's my belief that he wanted something. I then came to find out that its actually two guys. She has two guys that are calling her day after day for hours on end, both of which want her.

 

Of course this pisses me off so I drive the four hours to visit her and say I can't take this crap. Either she wants to be with me or not. She makes up all this garbage then finally says "cant we just be friends for now?". At this point I just said fine we can be friends.

 

And now here we are December 29th. She is here with family for the Christmas break and we have seen each other a few times. I guess one of the guys who has been calling her she hates and doesn't want to talk to. The other guy she says is a friend. Anyway four days ago she came over, sat me down and said that she was done. She knows what she wants, and what she wants is me. Now because of all the lies and all the other stuff I told her I was skeptical and that we can still be friends and see what happens.

 

Things have not gotten any better. She told me yesterday that she doesn't feel anymore. I try and try to get something from her. I tell her she looks great, try to get her to go places with me, to do things, and we do them, but I get nothing from her. No emotions at all. She is like a solid rock.

 

She still claims she loves me and wants to be with me and that she is trying to feel. I just dont know what I can do to help her, or if there is anything that can help. I mean I can either keep trying and hope she will react to me trying, or I can stop trying and hope she will figure things out on her own and come back. Either way is no good for me.

[Ninako]

Think of the input/output of the relationship. It's simple. Are you getting at least as much as your giving? If she's not putting half as much as you into it, then its only a one-sided deal. A relationship takes two people to make it successful. You deserve someone who knows what they want as well. Perhaps she really isnt ready to be back with you, and you need to realize this. If you need to break it off with her, then do it. The time it takes to move on will only last a while, but it takes even longer to heal a wound that keeps on getting irritated. Things probably wont change. Become friends again first, because that is what you need most in a relationship, the ability to trust & confide in your partner just as much as you would a close friend.