I'm so mad.

[Meesterjojo]

Is this normal?

 

I feel such anger and hate towards Her, yet at the same time I miss her. Sure, much less than previously (much, much less), but I still miss her.

 

Everytime I think of her I think of the good, and then how she abandoned Us, and within a week and a half "found" a new guy (ya, right, as if he wasn't waiting in the wings).

 

I'm full of awful, hateful thoughts, and I wish I wasn't. Will this pass, or will I always hate her for what she has done and the way in which she has done it?

[moondog627]

It will pass in time. I have an ex from college that absolutely put me thru hell. Looking back at old journal entries from that period, I'm shocked to see just how suicidal I was then. It's really quite scary. And it took well over a year to get over her because we were still around each other so much (with school and all). And boy did I hate her like venom. But after a while that hate just dissappears. I couldn't even put my finger on it when it left. I just remember seeing her at a mutual friends party and not feeling anything towards her. In fact, we got along quite fine. With my current ex there's still days/moments where I hate her for abandoning me. But I know it's just part of the healing process. It's rare for those feelings of hate to hold permanent residence. You should also use that feeling of hate to help you move on. By hating someone, that person still has control over you emotionally. There will come a day when you feel indifferent towards them. And when that day comes you will finally be free.

[LiquidCherry]

Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Yes, it is normal and I think to a certain extent it is also healthy. Eventually this to will pass.

[shes2smart]

The grief process is like that. Anger is one of the stages. And the stages aren't necessarily linear, clear cut, or happen one at a time either.

 

I always liked personal rituals to release those intense emotions and get through the post-break-up period. While I did a little something different in every case, the rituals generally followed this pattern:

 

>Writing. Long, intense, venemous, bitter, rambling missives. Everything I wanted to say and didn't, every nasty thought, detailed descriptions of transgressions, anger and disappointment of having my hopes for that relationship dashed. All of it, written out...usually over a period of several days, usually with the requisite histronics (crying, yelling, whatever I was moved to do). Always, there came a point where the writing felt "finished."

 

>Destruction of the written pages. Burning is good. Ripping is good. Ripping then buring is particularly satisfying. Reading aloud, then destruction is good. (usually brings on more histronics, but hey, we're trying to get it all expressed and out, right?) Just be mindful of fire safety. And if you're going to do this in a public place (I always liked to be out in nature...parks fit the bill) be extra careful about 2 things:

 

1. Don't do anything Smokey the Bear wouldn't want you to do. I always did my burning in the confines of the designated picnic area grills.

 

2. Unwelcome witnesses to the ceremony. I picked off days/times so I'd be more likely to be undisturbed by others (I was plenty disturbed on my own, thanks.)

 

> Releasing the ashes. Once the burning is over and things are cooled enough to safely handle, gather the ashes and release them. Particularly spectacular on a windy day...if there's no wind, running water also works.

 

I've always found these personal rituals very therapeutic in getting over a traumatic event. In a way, I guess they could be considered a funeral for the relationship. Looking back, the really therapeutic part is done in the preparation for the "event"...by the time I'd get to the destroying/releasing part there really was a feeling of catharsis.

 

I don't expect everyone is going to take to this idea of a personal ritual/relationship funeral. I hung around a lot of people into metaphysics/New Age stuff for most of my 20's and am well aware not everyone's into the "weird crap." But, I thought I'd throw it out there for consideration. It's always worked well for me, and it's cheaper than therapy.

[Meesterjojo]

heh, and true to form I'm now sad and miss her. I hate her, I miss her. I do things I shouldn't which remind me of her and thus hurt me even more, which in turn make me more mad at her.

 

Ever wish the procedure in the movie "Eternal Sunshine and the Spotless Mind" were true? I do.

[shyanne]

how long were you together? time does heals everything but dealing with the feelings until then can be hard. take it one day at a time.

[Meesterjojo]

4 years. That is, we actually lived together 4 years. Met in Manhattan, moved to Texas together. That's when the problems started.