what's up with rebounds?

[lgirl]

first, how can you tell it's a rebound r/shp? do they 'work'? how long do they last for (roughly)? i have been reading that rebounds always fail - IS this true? are rebounds just about getting over the person they dumped (why is this if they don't want to be with you anymore, ie why do they need to get over you if they've chosen not to be with you)?

 

[side note: my exbf got with the on/off gf of his friend BEFORE he smashed up our r/shp. he told me at the time that it was a mistake, "it should never have happened", that it only happened b/c he was so confused and she was a good ear (whatever that means!). he wasn't even attracted to her - he told me a whole year beforehand that if i ever saw her i'd laugh, so of course i never thought he'd end up sleeping with someone he found so physically unattractive!! despite saying all this and telling me he wasn't even comfortable being at her place, he still went round there almost every day. i just don't get it. am not sure if she's still in the frame as a 'friend' (they were friends before this), but this has hurt me SO much. i know it's keeping me stuck from moving on… 8 months later i'm still seething about it, alternating betw wanting revenge and just feeling like a big number was done on me

[novaseeker]

first, how can you tell it's a rebound r/shp? do they 'work'? how long do they last for (roughly)? i have been reading that rebounds always fail - IS this true? are rebounds just about getting over the person they dumped (why is this if they don't want to be with you anymore, ie why do they need to get over you if they've chosen not to be with you)?

 

You can tell its a rebound in some cases just by the timing. If it's way fast on the heels of the breakup, it's a rebound, even if they don't admit that (and who does, in any case?).

 

Some rebound relationships end up working, but most don't ... the reason is that the person coming off a breakup is often in the relationship for the wrong reason, and if they were not coming off a breakup would not be in a relationship with that person. The key is: would I be in this relationship if I had come to it cold, rather than on the heat of a breakup.

 

Yes, most rebounds are about getting past the bad feelings associated with a breakup. It's easier to deal with the loss of someone in the short term if you have someone else around to fill that space in your life. But what happens is you don't deal with the feelings relating to the breakup properly, and they come back later and you have to deal with them then. And of course those who do the dumping also need to 'get over you' ... it's a misconception that the dumper has no issues to deal with and is fine and dandy after a breakup. Not true. There is a loss in their lives, the relationship slot in their person is empty, and that's a loss. Moving to a rebound fills that space, but at the expense of really dealing with the loss, so it's not a good idea.

[LiquidCherry]

I consider it a rebound relationship if the person still has romantic feelings for their ex. Sometimes they work but usually they don't; it really depends on if the person is able to move on or not and about a bizillion other reasons that can cause a relationship to fail.

 

My hs sweetheart was a rebound relationship on my part initially but it developed into something much more, for me anyway.. And my relationship with my current bf, I started out as the rebound but again, it turned into something much more.

 

In all honesty I think a lot of relationships are rebound. Often it is hard to fully get over someone until you've found someone else that exceeds your expectations, whatever that means.

[lgirl]

novaseeker, THANK YOU so much for your insightful words!!!

The key is: would I be in this relationship if I had come to it cold, rather than on the heat of a breakup

i feel so much better for having read your reply. now i know for SURE that my ex's involvement with that woman he said i'd laugh at if i ever met her, was a rebound b/c there's NO way he'd have got with her "cold" as you put it. even in my confused state i know that. finally something i can be sure of (gak)!!

 

But what happens is you don't deal with the feelings relating to the breakup properly, and they come back later and you have to deal with them then... Moving to a rebound fills that space, but at the expense of really dealing with the loss, so it's not a good idea.

 

i HOPE that's his story now. that just as i finally get over him (still working on it!!!), he starts having to deal with the loss of me...

 

thanks again

[Erik]

Rebounds are probably the most common way for people to try to get over a relationship. I have nothing to hide, since this is an internet forum, so many of you will think I'm a scumbag for saying and doing some of these things, but whatever.

 

This summer, I dated a girl named Casey that I really wasn't that into. I kind of strung her out for a bit while I was in college, but not really into the relationship. I found someone I thought might work out, and at the first sign of thsi I broke up with Casey. I was upset that I had to hurt her, since she was such a nice girl, but I was happier that I got to have a new thing with a new girl. Things with the new girl didn't work out at all, she was annoying and idiotic, so I broke it off with her pretty fast. Even after this, I still had no desire to get back together with Casey. I didn't think about her any more than previously, and I didn't regret my decision at all.

 

People will find any excuse to get out of a relationship that they don't really want to be in, but usually they will wait until they are already secured in a new relationship or already know where their love life is headed (i.e. pursuing a new crush with potential, staying single for awhile).

 

At the same time, it can't be said that rebounds never work. I was in a relationship with a girl named Esther for a year and a half, and when we broke up I didn't hear from her for about a month. I started to want her back, so I approached her on AIM and we began to talk again, although she didn't seem too thrilled. I found out that she had been seeing some new guy almost immediately following the break up. I thought for sure if I just waited it out for a bit, they'd break up too and she'd realize her feelings for me after being forced to confront them. They are still dating to this day (they've been dating for well over a year), and I don't want anything to do with her.

 

The bottom line here, is that there are common misconceptions about rebounds. For some people, a rebound is a quick fix, an easy way to get over someone that you're not really over, only to be forced to face your feelings for the person you once dated after the rebound fails. Sometimes, after a rebound fails, the person taking part in the rebound comes around. In other cases, not so much. In other, more rare occasions, the rebound doesn't turn out to be a rebound at all, it turns out to be the person they spend the rest of their life with. Once you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, after having it fail, it's hard to accept that you have to start from scratch all over again, so you may see someone who you would only spend 3 or 4 months with as someone you see long-term lifetime potential in.

 

This seems like a jumble of ideas, but basically that's what I'm trying to say. Rebounds are for many different reasons and tend to work out or fail in many different ways. You can't necessarily ask "How long do rebounds last?" because you have to first find out if it really is a rebound; as was stated earlier: "would I be in this relationship if I had come to it cold, rather than on the heat of a breakup". The answer for me in my situation is no, the answer for Esther in her situation is yes, apparently.

[Liquidius]

Yes, most rebounds are about getting past the bad feelings associated with a breakup. It's easier to deal with the loss of someone in the short term if you have someone else around to fill that space in your life. But what happens is you don't deal with the feelings relating to the breakup properly, and they come back later and you have to deal with them then.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

You're in exactly the same situation as me - almost to the word. However, I'm not that angry. He didn't want me, and can now have her. Thats the decision he made. And if he's not happy with it, tough.

 

Just out of interest, are you two friends? Talking terms?

[lgirl]

hi Liquidius - good for you you're not angry, i'm FURIOUS at the way my ex treated me (a lot of unnecessary cruelty and taking advantage of my state of mind, which was so confused when he started laying all his sh*t on me). as far as i'm concerned i hope he reaps what he has sown. all he had to do was talk to me, but he botched it in the most sadistic manner. so no we are not on speaking terms, not in the slightest. i haven't heard from him since May. (even if he had contacted me i wouldn't be friends with him - i never keep exes as friends - and he certainly doesn't deserve my friendship.)

 

i take it you're not talking to your ex?

[Liquidius]

I do actually - I'm a bit of a fool in some respects, but its easier to (he phones, emails, texts etc...) and it's complicated if I don't reply and it causes unnecessary arguments. We didnt ever have a period of NC, so not talking to him would be a bit odd...anyway!

 

Rebounds - they just distract from the pain of the breakup. Just watch it because if he regrets what he's done, you'll be one of the first to know. Just continue keeping him out of your life - you're doing really well

[lgirl]

hey liquidus,

Rebounds - they just distract from the pain of the breakup. Just watch it because if he regrets what he's done, you'll be one of the first to know. Just continue keeping him out of your life - you're doing really well

thanks for saying you think i'm doing really well. i hate that i have this bs to be getting over in the first place, to be honest it hasn't even occurred to me that if he ends up regretting what he did, i'd know about it. i mean he told me at the time 'it' was a mistake and that 'it should never have happened'. he got with her when he was feeling so angry etc (!!). it was not a love or lust match - that i do know. he used to laugh at her physical appearance, so i can only hope he's disgusted with himself now... anyhooooo, what makes you say that? is it from your own experience?

 

PS how are things with yr ex - where are you at with him? doesn't having so much contact with him make things difficult (confusing)?

[Liquidius]

Well, me and the ex are friends - which is probably the harder route, but its working at the moment. When we first split up, he didn't want to talk to me, and I made myself promise I wasn't going to make the effort to talk to him. But he made the effort, and slowly but surely, we're getting on better and better At the moment, we're talking to eachother almost every day. It took a lot of me to forgive all that he's done, but the way I look at it, people make mistakes. He isnt the type of guy to apologise for anything, but he's phoned me in tears before and apologised. I just found talking, and not being angry a lot less stressful - it gives both parties a chance to get their point accross. I now understand why he dumped me, and he now understands why I was behaving the way I did. As a result, no resentment (well, not much...lol).

 

I don't find it difficult, or confusing at all Unless of course he proclaims some sort of undying love for me.....which would confuse everything hehe! But that isn't going to happen As for the rebound thing, I think it's true because i've done it before. It was a slap in the face when I realised I was just prolonging the pain of the splitup and using it as a distraction.

 

In reference to your situation - I know what you mean! I wish I could just turn emotions off as and when I like. You might never know if he regrets what he did, but sometimes, people surprise you. It sounds very much like he was using her to get over you, but where he goes from here, only he knows

[lgirl]

Liquidius, the thing is i still don't get how he could turn to someone who he claimed physically offended him...

[Liquidius]

I'm going for one of two things. Either:

 

- He was upset, and wanted something to fill the hole that had been created by leaving you.

 

- Or he lied, and did find her attractive, but didn't say anything just incase he hurt your feelings.

[lgirl]

hey liquidus,

 

He was upset, and wanted something to fill the hole that had been created by leaving you

i think that's the most likely scenario b/c he made all those disrespectful comments about her appearance and laughed at how "desperate" she is with such "low self-esteem", around the time he bought me a ring (a VERY big deal for him), so i can't imagine he would've lied in the first flush of love for me. he actually got with her before he ended it with me - he went AWOL for two days, stayed at hers, but lied to me. when i finally got hold of him, i was met with pure rage from him (no apology for going missing - he had never done anything like that before) and he turned everything around on me. a month later, when i got the 'truth' out of him, he told me it was "totally out of character" for him (even he was surprised!). told me he couldn't believe how long his anger had lasted, but also it was "a moment of madness"...

 

can someone be so upset that they'll take comfort from anyone, even someone they are not attracted to? this has really messed with my head - if he's found her attractive or had feelings for her, it wld've been easier to understand. but to go with someone who repulses him? how can she 'replace' me? and to start filling the "hole that was left by" me before we were over? it's been a total mindf***

[novaseeker]

 

can someone be so upset that they'll take comfort from anyone, even someone they are not attracted to? this has really messed with my head - if he's found her attractive or had feelings for her, it wld've been easier to understand. but to go with someone who repulses him? how can she 'replace' me? and to start filling the "hole that was left by" me before we were over? it's been a total mindf***

 

There is an old seaman's saying: "any old port in a storm". Often rebounds are with people someone would not otherwise date ... the key criteria being availability and timing, not necessarily other factors that would make them date the person if they were coming at things "cold", as I wrote above.

 

I think you're worrying way too much about his motivations here, probably because you find it insulting that he would choose to rebound with someone like that. But that's really his problem, not yours. The longer you go on comparing yourself to her and trying to suss out his motives, the longer you are delaying healing from your relationship with him and moving forward, I think. If he wants to be in a silly relationship with someone to whom he is not attracted, so be it ... that's his problem. But you don't have to worry that much about it ... focus on you instead.

[lgirl]

thanks novaseeker,

 

that's very helpful. i know you're right - he would NEVER date her - but i don't feel i can get over his betrayal (STILL, after all these months). the 'joke' is, it wasn't even a 'proper' rebound, so i shouldn't even call it that. also she was never a rival to me, as it was not a love or even lust match (on his part) betw them, so i don't understand why i am still so fixated on it (and angry). i can't get over what he did to me; the irony is it's still messing with my head, whereas he's no doubt put it behind him already...

 

I think you're worrying way too much about his motivations here, probably because you find it insulting that he would choose to rebound with someone like that.

yes, i do!! and also very hurt that he will obviously go with anyone if they show him enough pity!! also that he let everyone else assume they were in a r/shp when that wasn't the case.

 

But you don't have to worry that much about it ... focus on you instead.

i don't understand why i still do. i feel extremely depressed when i hear talk of or think about "moving on"; i feel very hopeless about my future and in all honesty i just feel stuck, waiting for an apology that will never come with not much of a life to distract me and any new future for me i will have to create and that takes time. and in the meantime, i feel like i'm serving a prison sentence with a bit more hope dying off each day...

 

i'm sorry that sounds so negative - if someone else was telling me they felt like this, i'd give them some stern advice. i just can't see a way out/forwards.