Low self esteem

[TIGRONETTE]

Not mine, his.

 

I've just met someone new and I've never been in this situation before. I've no idea how things could get so deep, so quickly. I just want to throw caution to the wind and see where this takes me (3 monts, 3 years, who cares...). Thing is, this guy's somewhat of a 'basket case' (geeky, 30 and still lives with his mother, bisexual and more besides). I think I can handle it though, well I think it's worth having a go anyway. We spoke on the phone this afternoon and he keeps telling me he's really afraid, and especially afraid of letting me down, that he doesn't deserve me, that he's scared I'll turn him into my plaything. Now is this some way of giving me the cold shoulder (hey, I can handle it even if I'll be sad, we haven't been going out that long). But if he is sincere, and i think (hope ?) he is, what can I do ?

[whitefang]

He sounds, very insecure indeed. Im not sure whether he's giving you the cold shoulder just unsure of how to deal with being in a relationship possibily.

 

Have you spoken to him about this? How much do you know of his past that could have lead him to be the way he is? Since you've said that he still lives with his mother, have you thought about talking her, she could fill in the gaps (so to speak). Maybe getting some background history might help you understand and get some good line of communication and possibily get the guy to not be so insecure and being the way he is.

[TIGRONETTE]

I've just written him an email explaining stuff I couldn't say to him on the phone (things just didn't sound right) basically saying that it hurts me too when he's behaving like this. Don't know if I should send it though (I mean if he's trying to let me down gently it won't help). Maybe best to wait until he rings tomorrow ??

[whitefang]

I can't really suggested anything for you, it's up too you really what you do and how your feeling. More than likely when we need to make a decision we know which one we should do but there's always hesitation.

 

Follow your heart, gut-instinct and just do what you feel is right for the situation and im sure what you choose is the best.

[PocoDiablo]

This is a huge red flag. He is telling you that he is a child in search of a mother. He is telling you that if you spend time with him you will have to be his therapist, hold his hand, and let him cry on your shoulder.

 

He is clearly not a real man, and you will only care for him for a short while. If you truly have any adult, mature, and intimate feelings for him I would be amazed.

 

Why would you want to date someone in need of so much help? Don't you want someone who can take care of you so you can start a family? If you date him you will have to spend years, if not decades, trying to fix him before you can have a family. It a lot of effort for poor results in my opinion.

 

You need to send him to this site for help.

[rionmccloud]

Sounds emo to me. They're a whiny sort.

 

But on the serious side, yeah, lots of red flags. And this isn't deep, except for some underlying issues. How long are you two together? Not long. And he's doing that? Yeah, I think you should reevaluate things.

[TIGRONETTE]

I am not looking to start a family (hell maybe this is just a 3 month fling as I've mentioned above) and I can take care of myself thank you very much. As for a 'real man' (whatever that's supposed to mean), to me he's just as much of a man as any. Ive only known this guy a month and so I'm amazed things have got to this level so quick (sounds corny but I really do feel stuff I've never felt before and I think he does too). I know i can't 'fix' him, but I'd just like to make him feel like he 'deserves' me (as he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met) - well if he's for real that is.

[ocrob]

It sounds to me that he likes you and wants you, but may not want anything long term. It sounds like he is trying to be honest so that he does not let you down at the end. I can only relate to this because I met a woman last night that I like and would love to have sex with, but may not want anything serious. I would never lie or decieve her and want her in my life, but just may not want her for the long term. Maybe your guy does not know yet and is trying to be a good person. Or, the fact you said he is bi, might mean he wants his options open with men. Either way, just be honest and enjoy each other's company. If he can't give you what you want, then you have to move on.

[TIGRONETTE]

Yeah, you may have a point with this options open thing, we've discussed it already and don't really know what to do (I'd like to keep my options open too (seriously) yet we both - and I mean both, he had misgivings first - sense the pitfalls in doing this).

[TIGRONETTE]

well we talked today - I challenged him about using this as an excuse to let me down gently and he said I couldn't be more wrong. He wasn't as bad as yesterdaybut still saying stuff like I feel the need to do stupid aggressive things to proove I'm man enough for you, it feels like you're controlling the situation and that I can't cope...

(as you may have guessed, the whole thing is spiralling out of control and I am no more in command than he is, just feel that if I don't put up a 'semi-normal' front things will desintegrate completely, maybe I should get the hell out as quickly as possible, maybe I'd be bypassing something huge if I did that, who knows, these are confusing times)

[talo]

He wasn't as bad as yesterdaybut still saying stuff like I feel the need to do stupid aggressive things to proove I'm man enough for you, it feels like you're controlling the situation and that I can't cope...

You appear to imply that there is something wrong with these statements of his. As seen here they are honest and open communication, and as such, asking for the same in reply.

as you may have guessed, the whole thing is spiralling out of control and I am no more in command than he is, just feel that if I don't put up a 'semi-normal' front things will desintegrate completely

What exactly is "spiralling out of control"? Why act "semi-normal" (whatever that may mean), in fact why act at all? What will "disntegrate completely" if you do not act? Isn't 'acting' not being genuine, not being honest...

maybe I should get the hell out as quickly as possible, maybe I'd be bypassing something huge if I did that, who knows, these are confusing times

Your intuition of "something huge" may be the honesty. This guy appears to be 'calling you' on this. This does not call for acting but being genuine. Not being genuine is not knowing where you are, or, as you put it, "confusing times".

[TIGRONETTE]

Thanks for your message

 

I was kind of working this stuff out for myself tonight

(we slug it out via email and it's a better way of getting your feelings out than using a mobile (cell to you I guess) phone)

 

what you just wrote confirms the whole lot

[Gorax]

This is a huge red flag. He is telling you that he is a child in search of a mother. He is telling you that if you spend time with him you will have to be his therapist, hold his hand, and let him cry on your shoulder.

 

*Gives a point to PocoDiablo*

 

I have someone very similar to this guy on my MSN list. It seems like he likes to throw loud, frequent pity parties. Personally, I have no patience for that kind of crap. If you're willing to extend your hand toward him while he just looks at it and sinks deeper, feel free... But if it were up to me, I'd just walk away.

 

Besides, what happens if you do get closer to him to try to help but end up getting fed up in the end? The closer you get to him, the more it will hurt him in the end.

[schmuckcanuck]

It sounds like you need to live one day at a time. This is a new relationship that you are both learning about each other. If at any time you find his behaviour unaceptable then that will be the time to break it off. Till then enjoy the wonderful feelings he gives you.