So I was invited to a movie

[billington]

I got a message from this girl I like Julia saying she was going to see a movie with a group and wanted to know if I would want to go with. I say yes immediately. I thought maybe she was being sure to tell me it was a group because she thought I wouldn't go otherwise. (That's why I'm posting in this section) So at this point I was anxious for Friday to come.

 

The next day I'm talking to another person, Kerri, who is going to the movie with this group. Eventually she brings up the movie. She was talking to Julia online at the time. She said she was surprised John was going to the movie. She told me Julia invited him to make Carl (I would guess an ex boyfriend) jealous.

 

Now it's pretty clear to me that I am at best a backup plan. So my question is do I still go or do I work get out of this somehow?

 

I heard today Julia is picking up Kerri and I then getting two more people. Quick simple math tells me that's not good. (5th wheel anyone?)

 

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This is some extra information that may or may not factor into your answers... A while ago she invited me to another movie and said there was a group going. I got there and when she showed up, it was her and Carl. And there was me and nobody else. That was so awkward for me I can't even begin to explain it. I couldn't get into the movie at all, all I could think about was how I didn't want to be there.

 

However there was another time where it was just her and I at a movie. I don't know what to do, so it didn't go so great. I could see her look over at me during the movie at times. I've only seen movies alone. I know most people think that's sad but it's all I've ever known and I don't consider myself above doing that. But because I'm so shy](*,) that's why I thought she asked me with a group this time. Of course that was before I heard about the other guy.

 

I know it's late notice but any comments and suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

[walkingwithaghost]

awww. i think if you're shy it's best you hang out with people as much as possible and make new friends. if its a group dont focus on the girl, focus on the group. if you get there and arent having fun make up an excuse and leave.

if you hung out with these ppl already doing the same thing and didnt have fun you probably wont have fun again and just tell her last time it sucked so you dont wanna do it again, this will also give u an opportunity to tell her why. good luck Laura

[billington]

Well I don't know for sure who the other two people are. Joe could be meeting the rest of us there. I've never really hung out with this group before, just Julia and Kerri. I'm shy but I also don't want to hurt their feelings. Although I guess putting their feelings before mine may be part of a larger problem... Anyways basically I know that even if I wanted to I couldn't bring myself to walk out of a theater in the middle of a movie and just walk home. I just really don't want to be sitting next to Julia for a couple hours with another guy hanging off of her.

[ocrob]

I'm sorry and I may be missing something. I am trying to figure out your relationship with Julia. Does she know that you like her? It almost sounds like she thinks of you as a friend and is including you in her plans. If she does not know you like her, she is just being nice and inviting you along. If she knows you like her, then I might have a problem with the situation. Does she know you like her? Do you know how she feels about you? Have you ever asked her out alone? Can you go out with her as a friend? It seems there is a lot of information missing. It seems you need to decide if you can hang with her just as friends. If not, then you need to know how she feels and let her know how you feel. If she is not into you, but wants to be friends, then you should just say you are busy. Let me know more so that this post can advise.

 

ocrob

[PocoDiablo]

Okay, I have a pretty harsh view on this:

 

1. Group dates means she does not want to be alone with you. That's bad.

2. Movies - I sure hope you are not paying her way. If you are, then she is looking for a free ride. That's bad.

3. When you and the other guy were there with her, that tells me she is using both of you. Two suckers. That's bad.

4. A *mature* woman would NEVER try to make some guy jealous. Wow. That blows me away. This tells me she is manipulative and probably a liar. Yeah, that's bad, too.

 

So I've got four bad things in a row and I think that is enough signs to say she is a waste of your time.

 

Now, on the flip side, here are some things to think about for the future. If you're going to go on a date with a girl, a movie is the worst choice. Why? Well, because you cannot talk to her and get to know her. The whole point of a date, in my opinion, is to ask her lots of questions and find out what kind of woman she is.

 

Actions speak louder than words. If she really liked you, she'd want to be alone with you so the two of you could talk. An interested woman would NEVER risk bringing another guy along.

 

The type of woman I like to date is one who is honest, caring, thoughtful. It sounds like she is none of the above. She seems to be out for herself. No matter how physically pretty she is, this woman strikes me as one of the ugliest women on the inside. I'd run away.

 

Good luck!

[billington]

I'm sorry and I may be missing something. ... It almost sounds like she thinks of you as a friend and is including you in her plans.

She could think of me as a friend. We've known each other for a while, but we don't really see each other ever. It's definitely less than once a month at the most. So it's rare that I get to spend time with her. Also I only started feeling this way about her very recently.

 

1. Group dates means she does not want to be alone with you. That's bad.

But what if she thought I would not go if she didn't tell me it was a group? I'm probably just hanging onto hope too long again, but that's all I have. I can see your point also though, like she could just be trying to be very clear she doesn't want to go with me.

[ocrob]

Does this person know that you like her? If not, then you have to let her know and see how she responds.

 

ocrob

[ShySoul]

1. Group dates means she does not want to be alone with you. That's bad.

 

Not necessarily. It could mean a girl is shy or nervous and wants to be in a less pressured filled situation where there are other people to talk to. One on one can be scary as you are forced to talk to the person or sit in uncomfortable silence. It also could be that that a girl wants to get the opinion of a friend to see if the guy is into her and worth pursuing.

[billington]

I went with tonight and here's what happened, good luck making any sense out of it. Skip to the second paragraph if you just want to see my confusion.

 

 

I met Julia in the lobby. She said Kerri was going to meet us there with somebody else. We waited for another person who was supposed to go but never showed up. So just the two of us now left. We went to pick up another one of her friends. We got there really early on purpose, so we had a lot of time to kill. At this point there was five people.

 

Joe shows up with his friend. We saw him, but he didn't stop by and say hi to her or anything. Julia also didn't go talk to him. He was sitting right in front of me in the theater even. After the movie we waited around for a while. I assume it was so she could talk to him, but it never happened. We left and there was never any contact with him. So that really surprised me, although not in a bad way.

 

 

Another thing is on the way to the movie she specifically referred to Carl as just a friend.

 

I wish I could just be open with somebody. It's rare that any woman shows any interest in me in any capacity (and that means just being friendly, nothing romantic ever). There's been about five. So I don't want to lose her friendship even if it only is seeing her about once a month. I figure there's people in the world who call each other friends and see each other less than that.

 

But as much as I was dreading tonight after what I found out earlier, it went okay I think. There is a lingering doubt in my mind still... I can't help but think she wanted to talk to him but would have felt bad to leave me alone. Sure it was a group, but it was Kerri and her boyfriend and Julia's friend, so basically I was still alone since everyone else was paired. (That part felt the worst tonight, but I still got to spend time with her) I might just be thinking this went okay because I wasn't completely crushed like I have been before.

 

Also on the jealousy thing... Maybe that was not her intention. I didn't see the conversation they had, so it's possible that was only Kerri's thought as to why she invited Joe. Right? It's hard for me to follow, both Kerri and Julia assume that I talk to the other one a lot more than I do, so they both think I know everything that's going on in the other's personal lives. I wish they'd feel like they could talk to me about that, but they never have. I get more of that from Kerri than I do Julia, and I get to talk to her even less.

 

I don't know if there's a question or anything worth responding to in this anywhere, but please leave comments.

 

 

 

As for

Does this person know that you like her?

No, that's why I chose this forum

[Dating Coach]

If you want to ask her out but are afraid of what negative effects asking her out will have on your friendship then you have two real choices:

 

1) Ask her out.

2) Don't ask her out and accept that you are just friends, and move on.

 

I don't think you will be happy with choice #2. Eventually you are going to fall for her harder and harder and harder until you can no longer bear the secret anymore, and then you will spill your guts to her anyway. This route is bad bad bad.

 

I suggest you go route #1. Believe it or not, you don't have to put the friendship in much risk by doing so. Not if you make it like it's not some big deal and demonstrate self control.

If you ask her out by telling her how great she is and how much you like her, then chances are it will destroy the friendship and you will chase her away.

If you ask her out non-chalantly like it isn't a big deal then even if you get rejected it shouldn't put much a strain on the friendship.

 

Your asking how to ask her out in such a way? Simple:

 

"Hey, we have a lot of fun when we are out together so I figured that maybe there could be something more to this. I want to take you out to dinner on a date to see if there is something more to us than friends on Tuesday night. Do you have any plans?"

 

If she agrees to go out on the date with you or if she can't go that night but counter offers you, "I'm busy babysitting Tuesday, but how about Thursday?" then she is interested in you. If she tells you no or gives you any other excuse then she is not interested. Even if she says, "I don't know what my plans are, I'll get back to you" and then doesn't get back to you with a counter offer date, then she is not interested and is buying time to come up with how she can tell you.

The thing is, if she says no, then you shrug your shoulders and say, "Hey no problem, just figured I would see if there was something between us, but you're right, being just friends is probably best for us." and leave it at that. If you do it this way or something similar then you are not making it up to be some huge deal that you can't get over, and she won't think of it like that either. This is the way you need to do it, and if you have any chance with her you need to do this soon. The longer you wait then the more likely she will have placed you into "friendzone" for good.

[ShySoul]

billington - I understand where you are coming from. You are overthinking this. I've done it many times, and I know a good number of people who do it themselves. This isn't about her playing games. This isn't about getting stuck in the so called "friends zone." This is about you and your feelings. You don't need a step by step guide on what to do, you need to trust yourself and follow your heart.

 

She has called Carl a friend. She didn't make any contact with Joe. Unless you are leaving something out, I don't see why you are assuming that there is anything going on with Julia and them.

 

It's rare that any woman shows any interest in me in any capacity (and that means just being friendly, nothing romantic ever). There's been about five. So I don't want to lose her friendship even if it only is seeing her about once a month. I figure there's people in the world who call each other friends and see each other less than that.

 

I wonder, is this the voice of reason speaking, or the voice of fear? You have not had many girls who pay attention to you, so you are nervous and scared. That's understandable, every guy feels like that at times. You are doing what a lot of people do, trying to analyze every little thing to see if she likes you or not. You are also hard on yourself, and turn things that could mean absolutely nothing into a negative sign. She didn't talk to the guy. Why would you assume that was only because she didn't want to hurt your feelings? Why would you assume it was just her taking pity on you? Maybe it was because she wanted to spend the time around you?

 

She did ask you to go with her, thats a good thing. If she did not want you there, she wouldn't have made a point for you to go. So it wasn't that you were the odd person out, if you felt that way it was probably because your insecurities showed up and made you feel like that. Next time, try to see that you are a part of the group. Don't feel left out, make yourself part of the group and contribute.

 

Honestly, there is no telling this girls feelings. And the more you try to look at everything, the more confused you will be. Odds are you will find some reason to think she doesn't like you and you will talk yourself out of saying anything to her, thus never knowing what could have happen. You don't even need to ask her out, not on a date anyways. Chances are you are too nervous to do that now. Instead, build up to it. Speak out more around her. Get to the point where you can tell each other more personal things in your life. When that happens you will feel more confident in your ability to approach her. You will be more likely to be able to ask her if she wants to hang out sometime, just the two of you. Don't have to call it a date, don't have to say you think there is something between you. Just hang out. From there, show her you like. It'll be in the way you look at her, the way you smile, the tone of your voice. It should just exude from you.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you.

[uninhibited]

Joe shows up with his friend. We saw him, but he didn't stop by and say hi to her or anything. Julia also didn't go talk to him. He was sitting right in front of me in the theater even.

 

Joe is the first player in the jealousy game. He took a time out. Maybe he's struggling with the same issues you are.

 

Another thing is on the way to the movie she specifically referred to Carl as just a friend.

 

I would venture a guess that Julia is less sure of what she wants than anyone else in this situation.

 

I wish I could just be open with somebody. It's rare that any woman shows any interest in me in any capacity (and that means just being friendly, nothing romantic ever). There's been about five. So I don't want to lose her friendship even if it only is seeing her about once a month.

 

Sometimes the info gets so sketchy and the situation get so complex that its best to stop torturing yourself with thoughts and assumptions. It seems like this girl has some things to figure out for herself, and this is one reason why i am hesitant to suggest that you tell her how you really feel. However, if you are tired of holding your feelings up inside, the chance is here for you to finally open up. You never know, maybe you will be the one who clears up your problems as well as hers.

[billington]

Something else happened today that I never thought of mentioning.

 

Semi-frequently her away messages will be directed specifically towards me. I see her away messages every day (while obviously not every one necessarily, I'd say I see most of them. I'm one of those people who will check an away message as soon as the popup box says they're away) and there are no other people ever mentioned specifically mentioned in them. It's only me. She outright says my name in them. It happens in bunches, like a week and a half apart. I'll be in there for a couple days. It happened again today and it hit me that maybe it's a good sign. What do you think? If nothing else it always makes me less nervous to talk to her because it's almost like she's telling me it's okay to interrupt her.

 

I can't really do anything about it for a while now, it's finals week and then break. In fact I'm done and getting ready to leave. I'm going back home and there's no internet access there, so I don't get to talk to anybody from school until I get back.

 

Thank you everyone so much for your advice. It's helped me see things more clearly.

[ShySoul]

What is she saying in the away messages? Are they nice or playful things? That sounds like a good sign. If you need to use it to make you less nervous, then do so. Talk to her more.

 

Good luck with exams and hope you have a good break.

[PocoDiablo]

I think DiggityDog hit it on the head.

 

You're wasting all this time wondering, and not doing anything about it. Just relax and ask her on a date.