I Keep chickening out

[FoxLocke]

This past week on two separate occasions I have tried to work up the nerve to tell my mother that I'm gay. But each time I made up some other reason why I wanted to talk, completely skirting the issue altogether.

It is getting so hard and so frustrating keeping my secret bottled up...But I am petrified of telling anyone, especially her.

 

First of all I have the hardest time even referring to myself as gay or homosexual. I can type it on the computer with no problem, but actually getting the word alongside the prepositional phrase, "I am" is harder still. I will sometimes just be sitting in my car mouthing the words, thinking that I've finally worked up the courage then it's...

 

"Mom, I need to talk to you..."

 

"About what?"

 

"I just saved money on my insurance by switching to Geico..."

 

Well, not that glib but I guess you get my point. I just freeze up whenever I want to say it.

I just play all of these terrible what if scenarios in my head. I keep thinking she will start beating me with objects, cursing at me, disown me, or blame herself for being a widowed working mother when I was really young...And it scares me even more that she might start talking about it to other family members before I can even tell anyone and everyone will make fun of me behind my back, or possibly hate what I am so much that they will gay bash me.

I know I am just being paranoid, but all of that is constantly going through my head.

 

Plus, now, I am starting to date other guys and it won't be long until I have to reveal that...

 

In addition to that I feel like she will be dissappointed in me for lying about everything for so long. My whole life has been lie up until this point...

 

Is anyone else out to their parents? How did he/she/they respond?

 

I guess I should give my mother more credit because we are VERY close and have been through alot together...But it scares me to lose her affection, and have her look at me differently.

[tainted]

I came out to my father when i was 17 years old. It was actually the wrong way to go about it, i wish we were having a more civil conversation besides fighting at the momment i blurted it out. When my father finally heard it from me, he thought since he was a single father raising his only daughter the reason why i am choosing to be a lesbian is because i never had a mother figure in mylife. Now that i am almost 22 he knows that it is my life style and that it's not a phase, i didnt appreciate him telling my extended family (grandmother & aunties) about me being gay, but they kept asking him why i dont have a nice young man as a boyfriend, and finally told my grandmother and it spread like a virus after that. i am not sure what everyone thinks because i dont talk to my family, if they say stuff being my back thats their choice, but i feel better knowing that i am not living a lie. It gets hard and harder as years go on, i am glad i did it while young. i wish you luck, and if you and your mother are close, it may come as a shock at first, but you are after all her son, and just like my dad told me, no matter what my sexuality i am still his daughter and he loves me to no end. I Hope that will be your case too, but if you can't say it outloud to yourself that you are gay, then you are probably not ready to tell your mother either, it definatly is hard, but once you do it, it'll be like a ton of bricks lifted off your shoulders. Good Luck! Keep Smiling and looking for those brighter days.

[Prufrock06]

You want to know where I came out to my mother, the woman who gave birth to me and helped raise me through 23 years of life?

 

Chili's. ;-)

 

No, seriously. She was driving through town where I go to school after a trip to visit her parents and stopped by to take me out to lunch. I had just gotten back from a weekend at home, where I had told my younger sister and my father that I was gay. My father comes from a very conservative African culture and yet he has become so open-minded over his 30-plus years here that, even though he doesn't agree with homosexuality for religious/moral reasons, he made clear to separate that issue from the fact that I was his son. The way we interract now, you would think I had never told him, to the point where sometimes I even wonder ridiculously whether I did or not, haha.

 

But back to my mother. So we were eating lunch at Chili's -- this was the middle of October. I was nervous, but not so nervous that I couldn't function. It's weird -- this whole coming out process (to my sisters, my parents, my close friends) has been taxing but I've never really been AFRAID of telling these people close to me that I'm gay. Nervous, certainly and worried about their reaction (as you are) in the sense that I "lied" to them and embellished about false relationships/crushes on girls, etc. My biggest concern was that they would never trust me for "lying" about that kind of thing, or would treat me like a complete alien and shrug aside all 23 years of our personal history together. I'm more AFRAID of what comes now -- having recently come out of the closet with no gay friends to speak of (other than aquaintances I've just recently met), worried about dealing with the cultural stereotypes, never falling in love with a decent guy, being alone the rest of my life, blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc.

 

Anyway, so the dialogue went something like this:

 

Mom: So what's new?

Prufrock: Oh, nothing much. Look...there's something I need to tell you but maybe it should wait until we're back in the car.

M: What is it?

P: I dunno...it's kind of important. Maybe it should wait.

M: Well, why don't you just tell me now?

P: [whispering, to make sure the waiter or nearby diners didn't hear] Mom, I'm gay.

M: You're gay?

P: Yeah, I'm gay. I've been gay for the past ten years of my life [circa 13] but I just never told anyone because I was afraid of how people would react, that you guys would get upset and not love me, etc. etc.

M: Why would you think that we wouldn't love you?

P: I dunno... [please please please let the food come now so I don't have to watch the tears forming in your eyes!]

M: Well, we still love you. Just be safe. [be safe...hmm...does that mean that now that I'm gay I should apply for a gun license? ;-)]

 

So anyway, that's more or less a dramatic, but truthful recreation of what went on that afternoon, sponsored in part by Hallmark ;-). We didn't really spend much time talking about it and though my mom and I, like my father, get along as we always have, I think she is having a difficult time coming to terms with it in the sense that she doesn't like to bring it up or talk about it. But to be blunt about it -- that's her deal. There's nothing you can do to influence how your family/friends will react when you come out to them. Sometimes it can be equally as shocking when you get a positive response from someone you expected to react negatively. Hopefully, if your relationship with your mom is as close as you describe it, then your fears of her negative reactions are just that: unfounded fears. Of course, what gay guy ISN'T going to ponder all the negative ways in which others will react to the news? It's practically tradition, haha. But just take your time and don't rush it if you feel you aren't ready -- the reason why I came out to everyone around me in such a flurry was just as a means of getting it over with, to try and get things as close to a relative state of normalcy as possible. But what works for one person might not work for another. The mere fact that you are contemplating/entertaining the idea of coming out to your mother is progress enough. You should be proud of yourself.

 

Good luck! Apologies this response is so long!

[Serendipity1607307077]

I agree with Pru - be honest and open, and your mother will be able to accept it... she might be shocked, but you are her son so it's not like she is going to stop loving you!

 

Be happy with who you are, and not ashamed!

[UT]

Don't come out until you feel you’re ready. Wait until you have fully accepted that you're gay and can say it to yourself and be proud of who you are. If you can't refer to yourself as gay then you can't really expect anyone else to do so either.

 

How is your mother? Ask yourself how likely it would be that she started hating you. Do you think she really loves you and can accept you for who you are? Mothers are often very understanding and sometimes know more than we think (or at least suspects more than we think). Try to ask here or find out what’s more important to her, the health and wellbeing of her children or her reputation among her friends. She will probably be chocked and maybe get angry, worried or maybe starts crying. This is often not because there's anything wrong with you but because she is worried and sees the difficulties you might encounter. She loves you and wants nothing more than for you to be happy. If religion is involved it can be a little trickier but there's a pretty good chance that she will accept you and your sexual identity.

 

I myself am not yet out to my parents but I came out to two friends yesterday. They took it well.

 

Be sure of yourself before you start telling people. Be proud of who you are.

[FoxLocke]

Thank you everyone for your responses!

 

It is weird for me now. I think I have come to accept being gay, but it is so hard for me to physically utter the words. I want to tell the ones I love, but--I guess--deep down I'm not ready.

Sometimes I could kick myself for not acknowledging this in my teens so by this time I would already be out and done with this...But things don't always work out like that...

 

As for my mom she is an incredibly sweet, loving, and nurturing individual...I know that she loves me unconditionally, because even after we get into arguments(which is rare)she will tell me that she loves me...And that she is closer to me than my other brothers.

And when she says that it crushes me because I KNOW I am hiding something, because I am ALWAYS open an honest with my mom...

 

I remember when I was 19 my mom asked me was I gay. Still in denial I got pissed off and VEHEMENTLY denied it like it was somekind of accusation. Now, I wish I had said that I was gay at that time...

 

But, I think I am going to wait a little while longer and come out when I feel good and ready.

 

Thank you all.

[pianoguy]

If your Mom and you are so close don't be surprised if your mom already knows about your orientation. Moms have magical powers which are granted to them after they birth you.

 

Here's how I came out to my Mom:

 

Mom: Are there any girls at college you're interested in?

Me: No.

Mom: None?

Me: None... do you want to know why?

Mom: Oh, I already know.

Me: What?

Mom: You're homosexual. Come now, I'm your mother, I know these things.

Me: ...

Mom: You have a crush on Peter, don't you?

Me: How did you know...

 

I then went and told my Dad-

 

Me: Apparently you and Mom both know I'm gay.

Dad: Oh, of course.

 

Bear in mind that I am extremely straight-acting and dressing (more so than my straight brother in fact) and no one besides my parents and brother has figured this out before I told them.

 

I guess what I would advise is:

 

1) Wait for the right moment, but don't be afraid to create a moment if one doesn't arise

2) Decide why it is you're doing this. If you don't have a clear answer you may wish to reflect more before proceeding.

3) Have you told any of your friends? I actually told a few of my friends first. As you tell more people it gets easier and easier. Now I can just mention it in passing, and have done so several times.

 

Again, I must emphasize that familial love trumphs religion/ethical values almost every time. You are your Mom's son. Even most diehard evangelical families are reconciled to their gay offspring eventually.

 

It may potentially cause awkwardness between you, but it will pass.

 

Also- this is a minor detail but important, their are multiple ways of saying that you're gay without actually using those words, if that's the trouble. The first few people I told I used different wording each time:

 

"I'm gay." "I'm homosexual." "I'm like Mr. Wilkins [a gay man we both knew]." "I don't fall in love with girls. I fall in love with boys." "I'm not straight." "I have a special condition that affects my love life [not recommended]." "You probably know this about me already." "I have a crush on Peter." "I'm not in love with a girl, it's a guy."

 

Best of luck.

[FoxLocke]

Mom: Are there any girls at college you're interested in?

Me: No.

Mom: None?

Me: None... do you want to know why?

Mom: Oh, I already know.

Me: What?

Mom: You're homosexual. Come now, I'm your mother, I know these things.

Me: ...

Mom: You have a crush on Peter, don't you?

Me: How did you know...

 

 

Thanks for your response Piano guy! Oh my god, my mother and I recently had a conversation like this!

 

It went...

 

Mom: So, have you seen any girls that you're interested in at school...

 

Me: **Awkward pause from hell** Uhm...Naw...I am too busy concentrating on my studies...

 

Mom: ***awkward silence***

 

Me: ***even more awkward silence***

 

She has been asking me this question A LOT lately, and it is getting harder and harder to make up a convenient excuse...

So far the only soul I've told is my dog, and he still loves me unconditionally...

 

1) Wait for the right moment, but don't be afraid to create a moment if one doesn't arise

2) Decide why it is you're doing this. If you don't have a clear answer you may wish to reflect more before proceeding.

3) Have you told any of your friends? I actually told a few of my friends first. As you tell more people it gets easier and easier. Now I can just mention it in passing, and have done so several times.

 

1.) I agree. But it seems like everytime I create a moment I become afraid and chicken out...

 

2.) The reason I want to come out is to be true to myself and those that I love. I feel like a vital part of myself is being repressed out of fear, and sometimes when I am unable to express it it's almost maddening...I mainly want to come out to others for my own well being.

 

3.) I told one of my child hood buddies and he said that he knew when we were kids...I asked him how did he know? And he replied that he thought it was odd that I wanted to play strip poker with other guys.

Over the years I rationalized that incident as childhood experimentation...But it was basically me being gay.

 

Well, thanks for your advice...All of you. I become a bit bolder whenever I chat on this site.

[Prufrock06]

"So far the only soul I've told is my dog, and he still loves me unconditionally..."

 

FoxLocke, that is EXACTLY the first person (er, animal) I came out to as well! LOL! It's nice how dogs don't seem to care about the sexuality of their owners -- all they care about is having someone to love them and play with them. Sigh...if only people were like that.

 

"I told one of my child hood buddies and he said that he knew when we were kids...I asked him how did he know? And he replied that he thought it was odd that I wanted to play strip poker with other guys.

Over the years I rationalized that incident as childhood experimentation...But it was basically me being gay."

 

LOL! Been there, done that. And yeah, I rationalized it as childhood experimentation as well but in hindsight, of course, I know better. And here I thought I was the only one who had those kind of devious plans for engaging other guys in a game of strip poker or truth or dare, haha

 

I agree with other posters: there's absolutely no need to rush anything. And coming out to close friends is a great way to "practice" for coming out to your mom -- and the more you come out to people, the easier it gets. I know, I thought it sounded ridiculous too, but it's really true. That's not to say you need to come out to every single soul you know in order to feel like you've "completed" the coming out process (some people say that process never ends) but the repetition certainly makes it easier. Other tips that worked for me: try coming out to yourself every morning and evening when you look in the mirror, doing something casual like shaving or brushing your teeth; make a list of people you are thinking about coming out to, how you plan on coming out to them (email, phonecall, in person, letter, etc.), and ideally when you'd like to come out to them (not when you HAVE TO come out to them).

 

It does seem to me, however, based on what you've said, that your mom might be getting an inkling about your sexuality, esp. if she's been asking you that question a lot lately -- which could, when you think about it, make this process easier for you.

[FoxLocke]

It does seem to me, however, based on what you've said, that your mom might be getting an inkling about your sexuality, esp. if she's been asking you that question a lot lately -- which could, when you think about it, make this process easier for you.

 

Prufrock,

 

I really thought about that, and I believe you have a point. She will sometimes ask me that question, unprovoked, out of the blue. I'll tell her that I'm too busy, but the inflections in my voice will say differently...Really, what straight college guy isn't going to make time to flirt with women, or atleast attempt to? I guess she does have an idea, but neither of us is ready to approach the issue.

 

I remember when I was about 12-years-old the first time I brought up the gay issue. I have ALWAYS been introspective and self analytical.

Around my preteens I'd pretty much known that I was into other boys since I was around 8 years old...The feelings became more intense when puberty hit. And in junior highschool kids are cruel. Before I even knew what "gay" really was I had guys in my p.e. class(P.E. every non athletic gay kid's worst nightmare come true) calling me deragatory homophobic names, just because I was a little bit effiminate and shy...It scared me because I wondered how did they all know I was having these feelings? But they probably didn't, they were just being mean(or maybe they caught me checking out a few guys while they were showering?)...

Anyway, that provocated me to go home and ask my mother was I gay.

I asked her in those exact words. The most profound look of remorse and sadness swept her face, and I will NEVER forget it as long as I live...

We just talked a few minutes, and I told her about how people were always calling me gay at school and everything...

At this point we were going through a really hard time. My father had passed away only a couple of years prior to that, and we were still in a state of transition and grief...

Anyway, after the conversation had ended I was evesdropping on my mom's telephone conversation to my grandmother. She was telling her about me asking was I gay, and she sounded kind of sad about it...

Then my grandmother said something really ignorant about, "Well, he is very close to you...You will just have to push him a little more so he can grow out of it."(I don't fault my grandmother for her ignorance...she is from a different era)...

Anyway, that day my mom started taking me to a psychiatrist.

The Psychiatrist asked me questions, and in that moment I decided that I was never going to be gay ever again...

The pain in my mother's face really broke my heart, and I thought that what I was was something terrible. I couldn't be it if I wanted my mom to be proud of me...So that is when I started repressing my feelings. Whenever I started liking a guy I would slam a lid over the feeling.

 

I guess my fear comes from me still seeking her approval.

 

From the age of 12 until seven months ago I've been repressing my sexuality. That was 12 entire years of refusing to acknowledge something vital and intrinsic to myself as a human being...But I had to define myself for myself or else I would have gone stark raving mad.

 

So basically, that is the jist of why I am so ambivalent about it. I'm so afraid of dissappointing my mother...I honestly do believe that she will love me, regardless, but I don't want things to change between us.

 

Honestly, if I told my mother and she accepted me I don't care if no one else in my family did. Because I am not very close to my other family members because of their homophobic views.

[Prufrock06]

"From the age of 12 until seven months ago I've been repressing my sexuality. That was 12 entire years of refusing to acknowledge something vital and intrinsic to myself as a human being...But I had to define myself for myself or else I would have gone stark raving mad.

 

So basically, that is the jist of why I am so ambivalent about it. I'm so afraid of dissappointing my mother...I honestly do believe that she will love me, regardless, but I don't want things to change between us."

 

I understand exactly where you're coming from. Fear of disappointment is a big part of this whole coming out process. I know that inside, my mom is probably disappointed and in denial because she never wants to talk about my sexuality at all, not even to see how I'm doing in regards to having come out, etc. etc. It seems like after I came out to her, that was the end of the discussion and we put it in a mason jar and sealed the lid so that we'd never have to worry about the issue.

 

At the same time, there came a point where I realized in coming out to my parents the following: I'm 23 years old, dammit! I've been a good son -- I've never gotten in trouble with the law, I make great grades, I don't do drugs, I don't get random women pregnant (for reasons much more obvious to them now than back then, haha) -- and I deserve to be comfortable about myself, to not go "stark raving mad" over something as simple as my sexual preference. So I guess I just convinced myself that the time was past for my life's goal to please my parents and to shut off my sexuality in order not to disappoint them -- I really feel like I've made the right choice in coming out, regardless of whether they like to talk about it or not. I just wish I could make them see that by being myself, and accepting myself, I'm on the track to living a fulfilling life. Seems to me that that should be what a parent wants of his or her child -- I know that's what I would want of mine.

 

If you believe that your mother will love you regardless, and you have such a close relationship with her, then odds are your assumptions are correct. Of course, I know that believing something and accepting it are two completely different tasks. But you are an adult, and entitled to live the life you want to live and to make your own decisions and create your own impact on the world. In short, you're entitled to "define yourself for yourself" and whenever you do choose to come out to your mother, just remember that it's another moment of you taking your own life by the reins, which can be a scary thing, I know. But don't they always say that difficult and scary things are the best at helping us grow?

 

"P.E. every non athletic gay kid's worst nightmare come true" -- LOL! Amen.

[KIDD]

If your mother loves you, she will accept you, it will be hard & it may be a long process, then maybe it won't.When I told my mom, she knew before I even told her. She said that she's seen the websites I've been to & such a year ago but she kept it a secret & she tried to cope. My mother & I are on good terms now. She's the only one that knows & I can even now talk to her about my crushes. She doesn't like it or understand why I am gay, but she loves me & she said whatever makes me happy, makes her happy.

 

Also, don't rush & tell her when you feel that it is right. It's good to know that my mother loves me no matter what & I'm sure your mom will feel the same.

[ocrob]

Let me just say you post was so funny! Hey mom, I just saved with geico. That was great! I am a pretty heterosexual guy and at times talk matcho, whatever that means. It's weird because I don't judge homosexuals at all. Maybe because I am not in a certain religious belief. Or I should say that I am not in the belief of certain churches. Bro, just know there are certain people out there that will accept you. I know I posted this on a post awhile back, but I found out my fraternity brother was gay. You would never have known it, but I always liked him and he will always be my friend, if I see him again. Can I ask a question that may be innappropriate? I will because this is the forum to do it. He used to be such a macho guy and could still kick my * * *, but now he talks very feminine and lisps. I am guessing you know what I am talking about. I am curious if it is from hanging out with other gay people or if it comes from other things. lol I don't want to say it, but wonder? This guy was so tough and had the hardest handshake ever, and when I saw him last he was very feminine. Is it from hanging out with friends or from sexual activity? Not trying to disrespect, but so curious. I realize you can be gay and have a deep voice, but when does it happen you become very lady like? Just a question and please don't take offense because I am totally on your side. By the way, a mother always loves her son and so do we.

 

ocrob

[pianoguy]

ocrob, that's an interesting question you raise. First off, do bear in mind that a lot of gay people don't become more feminine when they come out (me) but some do. I have a few theories why:

 

1) Coming out is an act of rebellion and defiance against society, and one way to rebell more is to be as gay (feminine) as possible. Individuals who do this are generally angry, promiscious, immature, and unhappy. I have a friend like this.

 

2) Marking. If I walk down the street and see a painfully thin man with a pink shirt, limp wrists and a lisp, I am going to assume he's gay, and I'll probably be right. He will get hit on much more than someone like me, a sturdy, reasonably cute guy who dresses like a music nerd. Hence I am very isolated and bitterly unhappy.

 

3) Simply hanging out with feminine individuals means you will probably pick up some of their qualities, if only out of habit or a desire to blend in.

 

In the case of your friend I'd say it's #3, maybe #2. Do you think that makes sense?

[FoxLocke]

I think it has to do with the circle you surround yourself with. If you hang out with a bunch of guys who are macho and like doing macho man things then naturally your personality is going to adapt to that, likewise if you hang out with a bunch of guys like Carson Kressley and those two on Will And Grace.

 

There is an entire spectrum of gay men. They(we)run the gamut from Rock Hudson and Karamo on The Real World(philadelphia season) gay, where no one even suspects you're gay unless you tell them; to Superhero gay like Carson Kressley and Elton John, where even Stevie Wonder can see that you're gay.

 

I think it has to do with the individual and what kind a gay lifestyle he has chosen for himself.

[ocrob]

I just know that I accept my friend and like him as I always did. I don't talk to him anymore beacause we were not that close, but I wish him all of the happiness in the world. He was a great guy and still is in my opinion. I guess my point is that if you life someone and value them, then their sexual preference does not matter.

[FoxLocke]

She said that she's seen the websites I've been to & such a year ago but she kept it a secret & she tried to cope.

 

Thank god my mother can't use the computer...

 

I would just like to thank you all for the advice. Because with each passing day I feel myself growing braver and braver. Eventually I will be able to tell her...But I am just going to take my time and now worry about it so much.