how do I stop from infatuating over girls?

[atraceofblood]

I have had a problem with infatuation my entire life. For example, I will see a girl that I think is beautiful, but at first I won't really think much of her. The more I see her, the more I start to get attracted, but I'm still not obsessed. But when I "think" they start looking at me and might act a certain way around me that makes me think they might have an interest in me, I start to get infatuated with them. Then I eventually make a move and so far I've been rejected everytime. And these infatuations really bug me throughout the school year as I have a hard time focusing on other things in life without thinking about these women and obsessing over what it would be like to be with them.

 

What I want to do is let go of these infatuations and just be normal for once, not expecting anything out of women. Right now there is a girl that fits the descriptions I wrote above, and I find myself infatuating over her. I keep telling myself not to obsess and not to worry about her, but it's hard letting it go because a part of me wants to find out if she likes me and the other part says to let it go. I really just want to let it come to me naturally and I want it to be so if she really has an interest in me, that she will at least drop obvious hints, or else I don't want to try.

 

what do you guys think?

[SoMuchLove]

Hi a traceofblood!

 

The way I see it, it's perfectly normal to be infatuated everynow and then and it's no problem at all. The thing is, it sounds like you develope sort of a romantic interest in these girls and decide that you want to date them. Don't dispair though, because this is a good thing. You have an interst as more than just friends and you pursue by wanting to date them. I say it's a good thing because being friends with someone for ahwile can hinder your chances at the girl becoming romantically interested in you(to an extent). Also, that act alone has confidence written all over it! You should be happy you can just ask a girl out like that because many are shy about being honest with their feelings...

 

Then I eventually make a move and so far I've been rejected everytime

 

 

I hope the rejection doesn't bother you because it's apart of trying to find that special somone in your life. After all, you never know until you try right?

 

I realized that I too also infatuated over almost every girl that came my way. then later on, I realized this is why I didn't have any female friends because I only became friends with females if a potential romantic interest was involved on my part. Thus, I would drive them away sooner or later with feelings.

 

What I want to do is let go of these infatuations and just be normal for once, not expecting anything out of women.

 

Your are normal! I had the same thinking and what i did was use that "infatuation energy" and turn it into a strong friendship building power. It helps alot because infatuation=interest, and if you are truly intersted in that girl, there should be nothing stopping you from becoming great friends with her. This works for me because I recently was infautated with a girl. And now, because I have a genuine interest in her, she likes that I wonder how she's doing everynow and then, love to know how her life is going, and caring about whether she's happy or sad. She always tells me I make her feel good and that alone make me realize I don't have to date her to do so.

 

All my romantic emotins go to my music, so it's an outlet for me. Try and find what it is that interests you so that you don't become too caring about the girl you want to potentially date now(as in a doormat).

 

Just let it come naturally...

Forget the past, Ignore the future, Live the present...

[chai714]

Sounds like you're misreading the signals these women are sending to you.

 

If that is the case, learn about body language and how to read it. I recently read that up to 93% of our communication is done non-verbally meaning it is the signals we send via our body language. There are a few decent books out there. Recently, I read one called, "Love Signals: A practical field guide to the Body Language of Courtship" by Givens. Much of it talks about projecting the right body language and also reading it. Good luck.

[Dating Coach]

I used to do this as well when I was younger. It's your hormones raging without enough experience and control. I used to think, "oh she is cute, but whatever" but then when I started talking to her or thinking about her more, all of the sudden I was in over my head. It's immaturity , inexperience, and insecurity.

I look back at it now and I think that out of, say 10, girls I crushed on like this, 1 or 2 are girls that I would actually consider having a relationship today. I tended to always look at every positive thing the girl had, and ignored all of the negative. Almost all of those girls weren't good relationship material but I was young, inexperienced, and they were all hot.

 

A lot of it also stems from lack of confidence and lack of self respect. I used to feel that I needed a girlfriend because I wasn't completely comfortable with myself. At the time I didn't even realize this.

A person who is completely comfortable with themselves and has a healthy level of self respect, they don't need someone else to be happy. In fact, I think to truly be happy with someone else you have be the truly happy with yourself as well.

 

My girlfriend's sister is 25 years old and she still does this. She's only had one real boyfriend in her life and he lasted 2 months. Every guy that shows her the slightest interest she falls head over heels for and basically throws herself at him. I keep telling her to calm down, take it slow, and don't move faster than the guy is moving. It's clear she isn't doing this because she found some super great guy, she's desperate and want's a guy so bad. She isn't happy with herself IMO. If she was she wouldn't need to be throwing herself at every decent looking guy that shows even the slightest interest.

[Liquid Dream]

I think thats sweet. I mean at least you don't have some sort of commintment problem,

if you let a girl know that you've taken an intrest in her, it would make her feel good about herself,

and she will be happy you noticed her, and it will make her notice you...

 

Sorry, I probally have no right posting...since I'm not a guy.

[MetallicAguy]

If a girl's interested in ya, you can tell from body language. Plus you'll probably have the gut feeling she's interested anyway. (if you don't know anything about body language, google it).

[atraceofblood]

I'll admit that I do want to find out what's going on between this girl and I, but I'm tired of myself ending up into hard situations, and by that I mean that I have one week of school left and that is only finals week. This means I have no clue if I will ever see her again for another month and half, and that is way too long. I do not want to be obsessing over her for a month and a half, then make a move and find out she wasn't interested at all because then I'd have built up so many expectations that I'd be setting myself up for a huge disappointment...I have done this before and it isn't the best feeling in world.

 

when it comes to body language, I find this girl taking glances at me whenever I see her. Like today I was walking accross campus and I saw her walking past me, and I slightly turned my head to look at her and she did the same to me. I really wanted to smile, but I just have the hardest time doing that, as I don't want to make it obvious and ruin anything to make myself embarrassed. See she doesn't smile at me or anything, but then neither do I, lol.

 

see now I don't know what to do. I am not sure when I will see her again, although it'd be nice to see her again next week and during our winter break. And now I feel like I am infatuating over her. I am imagining what it'd be like if I did talk to her, what it'd be like to be romantically together, etc. This is my infatuation problems I am speaking of.

[Lily04]

I was obsessed with a guy once last year. We never even ended up going out, but I had a huuuuge crush on him for about 6 months! It was awful, I hated it. What helped was when I finally realized he's not perfect, and started liking other guys... I even liked another guy quite a bit when I liked him and it took my mind off of him but then everytime I saw him, like you said, it was just a rush of attraction. It was just deep... like a heavy physical attraction and just something about him, we just connected eyes and it was like we were both hit by something... I suppose it was really intimate. I think he liked me too, and smiled, flirted with me a bit, but never wanted to make a move really... I think he already had a girlfriend or didn't want to get involved.

 

In any case, after that I would just tell people I hated him... a whole "love/hate" thing.. but now feel somewhat neutral, althoguh I know if I saw him again, even a year later I would still feel attracted to him. The difference is that I now realize that it's merely a physical attraction/lust and I don't think we could really last... he's lacking some qualities I'd need in a relationship. Maybe remind yourself of why it's simply an 'obsession' and not more.. do you really see the person as a partner? Remind yourself that there's others out there as well... and just be open to meeting new people. Whatever happens, DON'T let yourself get too hooked on a girl... esp. if you're not dating. Not worth it. I was really depressed when he never made a move, but honestly... it just wasn't meant to be. There's a difference between 'attraction', 'lust' and love... between a person you think is hot and someone you're really compatible with...

 

HTH,

 

Lily

[atraceofblood]

well I know that there's a physical attraction to this one girl, but that's not really my problem that I am trying to solve in this thread. The problem is infatuation in general, something I've suffered with my entire life. I guess I just have a hard time being clear about my problem.

 

I do remind myself that it's just physical attraction right now, but something else tells me that she might like me because I see her looking at me and her body language isn't so negative towards me. It's a really ambiguous situation that I wish I could just not be obsessed with.

 

I just don't want to build up a lot of infatuated feelings towards her and then wait an entire month of not seeing her, then finally seeing her and talking and not getting anywhere.

[Lily04]

Yeah, well there's only 2 options really:

 

1) Make a move & ask her out

2) Move on, con't get obsessed with her.

 

Otherwise, you can try decreasing your obsession with her... in stages. Like from obsession --> attraction. If possible.

[Dating Coach]

well I know that there's a physical attraction to this one girl, but that's not really my problem that I am trying to solve in this thread. The problem is infatuation in general, something I've suffered with my entire life. I guess I just have a hard time being clear about my problem.

 

I do remind myself that it's just physical attraction right now, but something else tells me that she might like me because I see her looking at me and her body language isn't so negative towards me. It's a really ambiguous situation that I wish I could just not be obsessed with.

 

I just don't want to build up a lot of infatuated feelings towards her and then wait an entire month of not seeing her, then finally seeing her and talking and not getting anywhere.

 

Did you read my post? The answer is in there....

[atraceofblood]

Did you read my post? The answer is in there....

 

how do you and I know that I am not happy with myself? I feel satisfied to a certain degree, but I also feel that if I find a girl that I can be romantically involved with, that my life would be much better.

 

and if I find that I am not satisfied, then what do I do about it to improve myself?

[Dating Coach]

How do you feel about your looks? How do you feel about girls liking you? Do you feel like girls are somewhat attracted to you in most places you go? How do you feel about your current situation in life? Are you happy that you got the right foot forward into establishing a great life for yourself?

[PocoDiablo]

Here is my take on it.

 

First, crushes are a normal part of the maturity process. Crushes most often happen to us when we are young and lack the social skills and understanding of relationships that allow us to form mature bonds with other people. So a crush is, in my opinion, immature love. The crush, of course, helps us understand that we ARE sexual beings and we ARE attacted to other human beings. Of course, all the procreation stuff follows. (Babies! )

 

The key to a crush is understanding that this is your body's way of telling you "Hey, man, we have got to figure this thing out! We have got to go and get ourselves one of those women things and ... yeah!" And that is exactly what I see here. You have posted your dilemma, you have posted a few details, and now you are looking for ANSWERS! You want to learn so you can move to the next level - dating.

 

Well, on that note, congratulations, and welcome to the human race! (Okay, I'm just goofing around. Smile!)

 

May I apply some outsider opinions on what you posted? Okay, here we go.

 

I will see a girl that I think is beautiful, but at first I won't really think much of her. The more I see her, the more I start to get attracted, but I'm still not obsessed. But when I "think" they start looking at me and might act a certain way around me that makes me think they might have an interest in me, I start to get infatuated with them.

Did you know that the #1 factor for people falling in love is proximity. That's right, physical proximity to each other. It has nothing else to do with anything, from what I have known. This should be obvious, though, because it is hard to fall in love what that which you cannot see or touch. So, in your case, you're right on target! A woman, and she keeps coming around! Hey, is this it?

 

Well, I would say no, at least not yet. But you are on the right track!

 

Then I eventually make a move and so far I've been rejected everytime.

Uh-oh! Welcome to the club. Now, here is the important issue, yet you have only posted ONE SENTENCE about it and - from what I can tell - have completely blown it off. You have asked a woman out, and every time you have failed. With every woman you have had the same result. So that means that the only thing that has stayed the same is you, and your approach, which means you need to develop it! You need to think about every time you asked a woman out and say "Ok, she turned me down. Either she had no interest in me or I said or did something stupid." Keeping in mind that her interest level will be dominated by things such as (1) your status (2) your appearance (3) your approach you have to think about what you can control.

 

Status: Did you ask out the daughter of the President of the company? Social differences may be in play if you don't happen to also have a high status family.

 

Appearance: Were you wearing sweat pants and a tank top, or were you the best dressed guy there (within reason)? How about your breath? I hope your breath does not stink like mine (and I am being dead serious - brush, floss, and Listerine!)

 

Approach: Did you say "Yo, beyotch, let's screw!" or did you try making some small talk first and then saying "You know, you seem like a pretty cool person, would you like to go out sometime?" and then seeing what she said? (Remember a yes is a yes, but an excuse is a no.) Then you call her in about 4-5 days and ask for the date.

 

And these infatuations really bug me throughout the school year as I have a hard time focusing on other things in life without thinking about these women and obsessing over what it would be like to be with them.

Yeah, I remember that, it is hard. No pun intended!

 

What I want to do is let go of these infatuations and just be normal for once, not expecting anything out of women. Right now there is a girl that fits the descriptions I wrote above, and I find myself infatuating over her. I keep telling myself not to obsess and not to worry about her, but it's hard letting it go because a part of me wants to find out if she likes me and the other part says to let it go. I really just want to let it come to me naturally and I want it to be so if she really has an interest in me, that she will at least drop obvious hints, or else I don't want to try.

Well, there are a lot of contradictions there, dude! You do but you don't but you do or don't or ... what?

 

Look, if you want a girlfriend, you simply need to learn to be a man. A man has a few traits that women find attractive. Self-control, self-confidence, and being a challenge.

 

First, a man has self-control. That means he is calm, cool, collected. He does not make sound effect noises, he does not talk to women about cars, computers, sex, blood and guts, guns, war, politics, religion, or his LIFE STORY. Instead he asks her lots of questions about her life so he can get to know her, and he asks her to expand on the details so he understands. Think about James Bond. He does not do a lot of talking, instead he learns about the people around him.

 

Second, a man has self-confidence. It sounds like you actually have a lot of confidence, what with the fact that you ask women out. So I'll just skip this!

 

Third, a man is a challenge. I think you are probably lacking the most in this trait. Challenge means a man understands that HE is the prize, not her. He understands that he has to be fun, flirty, non-serious, and generally hard to figure out - hence why you do not talk about your life story! He does not call her right away, nor does he run up to her and ask her out as soon as he sees her for the first time. Instead, he knows he should take his time to get to know her (small talk) before doing anything, but then he should ask her out within (about) 2-3 encounters. A man makes his intentions known ("I would like to go on a date with you") and understands that he does not want to just be friends. (Remember, friends will help you change the oil in your car, and most women won't like that.)

 

So, if you were to ask me, I would say you simply need to learn the art of meeting women, flirting, and taking it from there. Don't stunt yourself by saying you don't want it - I think that's not true nor is it fair to yourself. Go for what you want, and understand that it will take PRACTICE, you will make MISTAKES, and if you learn from your mistakes then you will meet with success.

 

Bottom line? You sound completely normal to me. Welcome to Earth, here is your passport. Have fun.

[atraceofblood]

How do you feel about your looks? How do you feel about girls liking you? Do you feel like girls are somewhat attracted to you in most places you go? How do you feel about your current situation in life? Are you happy that you got the right foot forward into establishing a great life for yourself?

 

I think I am decent looking, the only problem I find myself having is that I'm skinny, but I try to overlook that. I've been given compliments before about my eyes.

 

I find that there are certain girls that give me those looks that seem curious. Sometimes I wonder if I am the one looking or if they are.

 

I feel that I am heading in the right in my life. I have great grades (3.72 gpa), I have high hopes for the future, I feel like I am getting better at communicating with people slowly, but surely.

 

I do feel that there's things lacking in my life, and one is motivation. I play guitar, and I find myself not playing as much as I should be for what I want to do with the guitar. I've also felt lazy to work out on a regular basis. I feel that my infatuations partially hurt me in the process, although sometimes it motivates me somehow.

 

Did you know that the #1 factor for people falling in love is proximity. That's right, physical proximity to each other. It has nothing else to do with anything, from what I have known. This should be obvious, though, because it is hard to fall in love what that which you cannot see or touch. So, in your case, you're right on target! A woman, and she keeps coming around! Hey, is this it?

 

Well, I would say no, at least not yet. But you are on the right track!

 

I've learned about this, but I definitely believe it to a certain extent and that means physical attraction and body language being a part of it. Just about every girl I've liked, I've seen around often.

 

Third, a man is a challenge. I think you are probably lacking the most in this trait. Challenge means a man understands that HE is the prize, not her. He understands that he has to be fun, flirty, non-serious, and generally hard to figure out - hence why you do not talk about your life story! He does not call her right away, nor does he run up to her and ask her out as soon as he sees her for the first time. Instead, he knows he should take his time to get to know her (small talk) before doing anything, but then he should ask her out within (about) 2-3 encounters. A man makes his intentions known ("I would like to go on a date with you") and understands that he does not want to just be friends. (Remember, friends will help you change the oil in your car, and most women won't like that.)quote]

 

I should've been more specific, lol. I think there was only one time that I went up to a girl and asked her out without ever taking it slow and making small talk, etc.

 

the other times I have tried to meet them and take it slow. For example, one time I met a girl at school and all I did was chat with them for a month, but after that I tried to ask for her number and she didn't want to give it to me. I must've tried too hard or something.

 

Another time I had briefly known a girl from class and a month and half later asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said yes, gave me her number, but I somehow slipped away as she wasn't interested anymore.

 

Just recently I met a beautiful girl, and I tried to just be myself and from the get go I was shocked that she was so accepting because I haven't physically met a girl that let me hang out and talk to her and let me be myself. Usually I get really nervous when talking to girls I like, but this one is unique because I feel so comfortable and she does too. I haven't asked her out because she is taken, but I still enjoy talking to her.

 

So, if you were to ask me, I would say you simply need to learn the art of meeting women, flirting, and taking it from there. Don't stunt yourself by saying you don't want it - I think that's not true nor is it fair to yourself. Go for what you want, and understand that it will take PRACTICE, you will make MISTAKES, and if you learn from your mistakes then you will meet with success.

 

I agree with you and have been trying to learn from my mistakes. I'm still shaky and shy around women, but I find myself being more comfortable speaking with them, especially recently.

 

I am still frustrated that I am heavily attacted to a girl right now. I didn't want to infatuate over her, but that fact that I kept seeing her around and her taking curious looks at me, makes me wonder.

[Dating Coach]

atraceofblood, it sounds like you have a lot going for you! Skinny? Man, be thankful you are skinny and not overweight!!! It's a lot easier to be skinny and start working out than to be overweight and to start trying to lose weight.

 

I am almost 26 years old (January) and when I was 18 years old I was 5'10 160 lbs, and I was bench pressing 260, I was doing 3 sets of 10 on curls with 115 lbs, I was into armwrestling and was a state champion

I am the guy in the white hat and t-shirt that is on backwards in the middle. Basically, I was on the top of my physical peak as far as being in shape. 6 weeks ago I weighed in at 210 pounds. That's what a good relationship will do for you... you get confortable, you eat what you want, you stop having time to work out, and before you know it, you've gained a lot of weight.

 

At 210 I was by no means a fatty, but I had a lot I could lose. I decided that I needed to seriously lose some weight so I picked up weightlifting again, and I started a strict diet. My pants size at Halloween was 38, and today as I type I am wearing a 34. In 6 weeks I have dropped a lot but it's still very hard and I am not where I want to be. If I had to guess right now I am probably about 195-200. I want to be at the most 180. My best weight would probably be about 170-175, and that is my goal.

 

See, you don't have to worry about that. All you have to do is buy some creatine or andro and hit a gym 3 times a week. That's nothing. Or... just be happy with being a skinny *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* and not have to worry about foods anymore. IMO, I have everything going for me right now other than the fact that I am not at my ideal weight yet, and even if I reach it, I am going to have to keep exercising to maintain it. You, you probably don't have to do a damn thing. Be proud.

 

As for the rest, your grades are good, you play guitar so you have a hobby-and chicks dig musicians (get into a band!!!). You are on top of the world! You are the prize! When you meet women you should think that they would only be so lucky as to date you. You've got your whole life ahead of you and it is going to be a good one. Some lucky girl out there is going to qualify for you, and they are going to have one happy life being with you. Of course finding that person isn't going to be easy and you will have to interview many women. Many won't qualify for you, and some others won't want to. No big deal, everyone and I mean EVERYONE goes through that. But if you never lose sight of the fact that you are the sh!te and you are the prize, then it WILL happen.

 

When I was younger and struggling, my friends who were girls would always tell me, "your time will come" but it never satisfied me. It's because I still didn't realize my own value, and I didn't understand that I was the prize and the woman should qualify for my standards-not the other way around.

 

Keep going man, you have a lot to offer and it shouldn't ever settle just for the fact that you can settle. Good luck!

[PocoDiablo]

I think I am decent looking, the only problem I find myself having is that I'm skinny

I am 6' 4" and weighed 135 pounds until I was 26. Now, at 36, I still only weigh 155. Hey, top this - I have red hair. And pale white skin. You couldn't be any worse off genetically than me, but that doesn't slow me down one bit (although it used to, how dumb was I!)

 

I feel like I am getting better at communicating with people slowly, but surely.

Just like your grades, this is a skill you need to study. You can also get a 3.72 GPA at social skills, but it's not going to happen evernight. What books have you read to teach yourself new skills? Who have you talked to who is BETTER at it than you? What courses have you signed up for? None? Then how are you going to learn? See where I am going? Practice, practice, practice.

 

I do feel that there's things lacking in my life, and one is motivation.

Probably because your lack of perceived skills slows you down. Motivations change when skills are learned...

 

I should've been more specific, lol. I think there was only one time that I went up to a girl and asked her out without ever taking it slow and making small talk, etc.

Didn't really work, huh?

 

the other times I have tried to meet them and take it slow. For example, one time I met a girl at school and all I did was chat with them for a month, but after that I tried to ask for her number and she didn't want to give it to me. I must've tried too hard or something.

Actually, I would say you took it too SLOW. Notice that I pointed out that it's important to make your intentions clear up front. Within 2-3 meetings with a woman, you should ask her "Hey, you seem pretty cool. How would you like to go on a date some time so we can get to know each other better?" If she says yes, then ask for her phone number. Then tell her "Thanks, I'll call you and we'll set up a day and time." Don't tell her when, just that you'll call. Give her a little mystery to wonder about. The whole point of getting to know her, by the way, is to find out if she is single, is cool, you can flirt with each other, you like each other's sense of humor, and if you have chemistry - you can hang out with each other.

 

Another time I had briefly known a girl from class and a month and half later asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said yes, gave me her number, but I somehow slipped away as she wasn't interested anymore.

That doesn't quite make sense, but again a month and a half is way too long to wait.

 

Just recently I met a beautiful girl, and I tried to just be myself and from the get go I was shocked that she was so accepting because I haven't physically met a girl that let me hang out and talk to her and let me be myself. Usually I get really nervous when talking to girls I like, but this one is unique because I feel so comfortable and she does too. I haven't asked her out because she is taken, but I still enjoy talking to her.

Okay, good. But here is something to keep in mind. You're going to friendzone yourself again. Since she is not taken it's not a big issue, but the problem is that she will tell other women that you are a nice guy. This can be HUGE because she will tell other women you are child like. You need to be a mystery to women, not an open book. I would recommend you slowly cut back contact and spend more time with guys who know how to date women and ask them for advice.

 

I agree with you and have been trying to learn from my mistakes. I'm still shaky and shy around women, but I find myself being more comfortable speaking with them, especially recently.

Treat a woman like an old friend, but like a bratty little sister. You want to be confident and funny around them. Poke them. Make fun of them - gently! Avoid serious or depressing topics, and never talk about your failures or life story. Avoid bragging about something you own. Just be cool and see if she starts to ask personal questions about you.

 

I am still frustrated that I am heavily attacted to a girl right now. I didn't want to infatuate over her, but that fact that I kept seeing her around and her taking curious looks at me, makes me wonder.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you're very woman-like in this trait. Women are always looks for a mystery. You need to flip this around so YOU are the mystery. You need to be the toy and she needs to be the cat. She needs to be the hunter, you need to be the prize. The less she knows about you, the more you will be an enigma and women will want to get to know you.

 

Hence talk less, listen more, learn about women.