Dynamics of a Break Up

[KileOriginal]

So, the vast majority of my experiences have been as the guy who was dumped. So in all honesty I don't know alot of what's going on inside of dumpERs head as opposed to a dumpEE.

 

I ask people with insight into either of these, with regards to common emmotions (emotional cycles?) and to strategies that help the person in that situation.

 

With respect I ask people who are extremely young or inexperienced to only post questions cause it would be nice to have some serious wisdom to draw upon here.

 

 

Based on my experiences as a dumpEE

 

best thing to do In my oppinion, let them know how you feel innitially and then go NC (no contact). The reason is so that they get a taste of what it is like when your not there and have a chance to actually miss you and maybe realize the spot you held in there life. (please add more if you got it)

 

Common Emmotions Gut wrenching sadness, you feel like your worthless for a while, and suddenly want to cling onto the person leaving you like they were you only hope in life.(which usually makes things worse) At some point you may even get angry at the person leaving you, but you still want to hold on to them.

Some people say that the pain of the break up eventually goes away or lessons, but I've never had this case. I still feel emotional and deeply affected by break ups going far back as I was old enough to have strong committed feelings and share them.

 

So yeah, any general info, or strategy to help people in either situation? Any guy versus girl info?

 

I'm really interested to know what goes on in the head of a girl who dumps and guy and if they ever do feel bad.

[catgirl82]

i guess i am the perfect person to add to this post since i was dumped about 3 hours ago. i am a girl, not sure if my feelings interest you

 

for me the most important thing is to have the appropriate closure.

 

dont leave things too open ended or you will get the dumpees hopes up. this is also why you should initiate NC, maybe not immediately but pretty soon after the dumping occurs.

 

dont be too abrupt- let the dumpee know exactly what they meant to you and WHY you are breaking up. the guy who just dumped me was so uncomfortable on the phone that he literally said "i want to see other people" and couldnt really say much more. i didnt know what to say so i said, ok. the convo lasted like 30 seconds, it was so messed up!!!

 

i just wrote him a civil email telling him that i felt weird about how things ended and i wanted to tell him that i had a great time with him and i enjoyed getting to know him, and that although i was sad, i understood why he felt the way he did (i do understand but i am still totally in shock and totally depressed)

 

those are my two cents on the whole dumping process

[Hannibal]

From the side of the dumpee,

1. Never do it in a public place, honestly its the worst thing you could do.

2. Let the dumpee ask all the questions they want, if you don't then you're not really being fair.

3. Be honest

4. Don't lead them on.

[keeponsmiling]

I have never been the dumper and i have just been dumped. I hurt alot after breakups and my pain lasts alot longer than i let on and normally i channel my pain into anger which is not a good thing but it's my defence mechanism - safer to be angry than to hurt.

 

The best way is to think positively about life, be happy about the people who are supporting you, talking about it with someone who makes you happy, crying when you need to instead of holding it back, try not to let yourself think about what you miss in the beginning because it makes it harder to let go. Eat good foods, do exersize and don't mope in the house.. and if people do try and make you feel better accept it and maybe act like it has helped, that way they will not feel useless and keep helping and finally it gets better and you will be so thankful for their support.

 

I strongly agree with the N/C thing, although i am normally really bad at it, but this time round i am doing really well.. i called him the next night to have a civilised convo and that basically finalised it for me. But that was it. I am very proud.

 

Never bad mouth the dumper if you wish to stay friends and not cause a fuss, if you are nice and calm about it you don't make enimies and the dumper feels even worse! lol!

[SilverManic]

I've mostly been the dumped but I have dumped a few people. My reasons were:

Long distance, no chance of leaving near eachother for the next 4 years at minimum, he was expecting to much from an ldr, he was very clingy, I was really depressed about the distance.

(Talking America to England here). I let him ask all the questions he wanted, we did the NC, we stayed friends and now he's dating my best friend, weird how these things work out isn't it? That was 4 years ago and she's moving over there in March?

There was the other one older man I was 15 he was 31, he was forever complaining, woudn't let me leave the house, moaned at me and demanded I do house work, I was pratically the guys slave! Well you don't need a reason for me dumping him right?

I did feel guity in both cases. The second one deserved it the first did not. But thats how things go.

Sometimes people do have a really good excuse for ending it and they explain it. The ones that don't explain it probably don't know what they want from life or were confused, lost their feelings something like that. I've lost my feelings in a relationship but I was the one who was dumped. I know what it's like from both ends and being at the dumping end doesn't make it any easier if it's justified.

~S.

[KileOriginal]

Anyone out there that has been the dumpER that has some incite into what kind of emmotions go on inside the head of a dumpER? Like do they feel guilty ever, or regret their choice, or ways that help them get through things?

[newts]

When I have dumped people it's usually because there is no future for the 2 of us and I know that there is no point continuing on to cause more pain in the future.

 

I never contact them again or answer their calls unless it's a few years down the track and there aren't any confused feelings.

 

You still think about them for sure, as they were part of your life and every relationship teaches you something, however, those feels and thoughts seem to go very quickly as I have made the commitment to myself to just move on.

[KileOriginal]

I was kinda hoping for some more analytical or coming forward thoughts.

 

I have heard it said that after the break-up on a long term serious relationship that the dumpER is just as prone to sad or guilty feelings as the dumpEE.

 

Any thoughts on this or other aspects of people involved in break-ups of long term relationships.

[redandblack]

I think the feelings of the dumper are a lot different than that of the dumpee. This is especially true if the dumpee did not see it coming. Also, the dumpers usually have time to kind of pull away, as they often do.

 

The worst part about being dumped, for me, is the fact that most things could be worked out through strong communication. Oh well!

[novaseeker]

I was kinda hoping for some more analytical or coming forward thoughts.

 

I have heard it said that after the break-up on a long term serious relationship that the dumpER is just as prone to sad or guilty feelings as the dumpEE.

 

Any thoughts on this or other aspects of people involved in break-ups of long term relationships.

 

The feelings are strong but different.

 

I have generally been the dumpee in the past, but was the dumper about 3 weeks ago now. I did feel overwhelmingly sad, I did feel the loss, the hole in my life, I did feel like I wanted to revisit the decision initially, I did feel like reaching out to him and all of that. There was also an overwhelming sense of failure. We've stayed friends, but I've given him a pretty wide berth over the last 2 weeks or so, pretty much no contact (or minimal and very sporadic contact), and I'll continue to do that for as long as I need to.

 

The main difference to me is that (1) the dumper knows the end is coming and is trying to figure out how/when to do it, whereas the dumpee sometimes doesnt see it coming and there is a surprise element sometimes and (2) the dumpee often has feelings of rejection, which the dumper doesnt generally have because they were the ones who initiated the break-up.

[leopard]

When I was younger I was always the dumper. As I get older I seem to be the dumpee.

In a long relationship I was the dumper. The reason for the dumping was the realtionship became monotonous. We were together for years and if we were going to have a future together it should have happened by then. We were living day to day. He also got lazy and wouldn't do anything. Gained weight. If I mentioned things that needed to change he ignored it. It became like a brick wall. There was no spark and it was like having a roomate. You know when you watch the movies and you have the lazy fat friend on the couch with the pizza and remote. His conversations became uninteresting to me. We didn't have sex for years. I think it's better to be alone. He started to agree with anything I said or bend his personality to fit me. He didn't have one of his own or a backbone.

 

When I was dumped. He didn't give me much of a chance to begin with. There were red flags, but I ignored them. It's best that he gave me a reason. I had to force it out of him. At first he just hung up on me and said there was nothing to discuss. NC is best with him. In fact I don't think I could be friends with him because he doesn't value my friendship. Plus, why would I want to see him with another woman.