Dont Divorce!!!!!

[Rippedapart]

Im sorry but it is so sad to see all these divorces, I lived through one when I was a kid and now may be in one, WOW lookes like some type of pattern, or chain reaction, most people getting the divorce are thinking emotionally, please try to stop and think realistically and rationally, try VERY VERY VERY hard not to get the divorce and work things out with books and counsling and etc. sit down and think, there was something that brought you together, you BOTH just need to find out what it was and were it went and TRY to get it back, what are we teaching the next generations that come along, were showing them that this is like some kind of cool thing or something, nut we are talking about LOTS and LOTS of heart felt pain from so many directions. dont get me wrong some times divorce is the only way, what Im saying is real and truly try, one thing that really woke my problems up was when I started to read ALL the definitions to these words and truly understand the DEFINITION of these words: TRUST, RESPECT, LOVE, CARE, HONOR, TRUTH, especially the definition of MARRIAGE!!!! It helped me alot, and I hope this helps you and your spouse, please share all you can with them so they UNDERSTAND also..... sorry for this but I hate divorces... and I hope I can stop mine...I think Im just in the mood to VENT ALOT HOPE THIS HELPS SOMEONE! I think it might have helped myself...

[registered]

I too think that divorce is a terrible thing that can have lasting affects on people, especially any children involved. I saw people deal with their parents divorce and it was a terrible thing for them to try and understand.

 

I think that if there were simply great incompatibilities between two people (this does happen with people who have been in long relationships...things and feelings change [or maybe were just ignored from the beginning], I have seen this) I think that divorce is for the best.

When parents do not get along, not only will they be unhappy, any children involved will be too.

A divorce made on mutual agreement that it is for the best, made on good terms would actually save a lot of pain for the couple and any children. (provided that custody can be agreed to)

 

I think you make a good point that something brought the two people together, but at the same time I wonder about this. I imagined that if I were ever in the position to break off a serious relationship due to mistake on my behalf I would consider if I wanted it to end for the other party's sake.

Obviously if I made a single and blatant mistake I would be determined not to do that again and would want to explain this to my partner and give them my word. But I would also not be so concerned about myself - a divorce (or breakup) because of my own error would be hard on me, but so much harder on the other person.

I wouldn't be able to expect them to trust me ever again, even if I knew that I would never make a mistake again. I would hope that we could stay together but I would only do what the other party wanted.

I think it comes down to accepting the consequences of your actions.

 

If a single and blatant mistake or reason for considering breakup was made by the other party I would be determined to try and fix things up, to be trusting if that was possible and a good thing to do.

 

Keep in mind that I am not in a position to speak from experience, and I know that if I were things would probably be different.

[RayKay]

Sure divorce is awful, and I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking it will end, but there are times, it just, there are no other options, after everything else has been exhausted.

 

My parents too got divorced when I was 7, and my mom was 7 months pregnant with my little sister. Why? Because my father was a cheater, and decided he no longer wanted to be married with three kids and ran off with his mistress (whom he later married and had more kids with). My mom tried to make it work, and put up with a lot. I am glad she finally decided it was enough. It takes two to make a marriage work, and one of them was not pulling his end of the bargain! Sure, she was devastated, and now a single mom with three young kids, but you know....she met my stepfather a few months later, and 20 years later they are still together, and he has been a wonderful partner to her, and father to us.

 

And, I am okay Not jaded, and in fact, proud of my mom for the choices she has made. I grew up in a much happier home as a result. I never want to get divorced, and my partner and I are really committed to one another, but god forbid, if there was no choice left, I would hope to have the strength to do it rather then be treated badly (not that I believe my own partner would!)

 

I have other friends whom are going through seperations and divorces, after trying everything they can for 10, 15+ years to work on it. When do you both just say, we can't do this anymore as it is killing us slowly?

 

Yes, there are many people where something brought them together initially, but sometimes what brought them together, was not healthy either. Sometimes, it turns out, they were not compatible at all, or one was not whom they said they were. Sometimes, both partners give up in a way, love and marriage takes work, you must put effort in. Of course, ideally you want to put this effort in as you love one another, but it does take work. Sometimes, people just don't want the work anymore, or stop feeling the love, as they neglected to nourish their love and relationship with their partner. It does happen, and it's sad when it does, but it does not mean they are bad people.

 

Personally, I NEVER want to go through it, and my boyfriend does not either. But maybe that is why we were both so picky in finding the right partner (which we found in each other)...we did not settle with someone there were already problems with, we knew there was someone else out there and we found them, and we also make sure we share the same goals, commitment, compatibilities, lifestyles, long term plans, and are basically on the same page to have the best chance possibly! However, things like cheating for me are dealbreakers, I know him enough to know that is not whom HE is, but just saying that even I have my limits.

[nsbguy32169]

In the movie The Weatherman, Michael Caine gives some very obvious but way-too-true advice to Cage when Cage tells his father (Caine) that him and his wife are going to divorce. Cage says,"It's the easiest thing to do at this point and it will be good for the kids" and Caine replies, "The right thing to do and the easy thing to do are rarely the same" or something like that. I think if you get married and have kids you should try your absolute hardest to stay together and if you can't, at least make it work until the kids are moved out. If two people were willing to spend the rest of their lives together at one point and then willing to commit to having children, there's got to be some connection that brought the two people together and kept them together so ling.

[novaseeker]

I think if you get married and have kids you should try your absolute hardest to stay together and if you can't, at least make it work until the kids are moved out. If two people were willing to spend the rest of their lives together at one point and then willing to commit to having children, there's got to be some connection that brought the two people together and kept them together so ling.

 

I agree with the first part and not the second.

 

I think that if you have kids you should try to see if you can make the marriage work perhaps a bit harder than a couple who does not have kids because the kids are impacted by what happens to the marriage (whereas with a childless couple, it's just about them).

 

But ... sometimes it just doesn't work. IMO, if the couple tries and it just isn't working, it's better for everyone's mental and psychological health for the parents to get divorced, rather than raising the kids in a troubled, tense, problematic. emotionally messy situation. Divorce is far from ideal. But once a marriage runs into trouble, you're pretty far away from ideal ... "ideal" is off the table, and you're looking at least worst options for everyone.

[RayKay]

In the movie The Weatherman, Michael Caine gives some very obvious but way-too-true advice to Cage when Cage tells his father (Caine) that him and his wife are going to divorce. Cage says,"It's the easiest thing to do at this point and it will be good for the kids" and Caine replies, "The right thing to do and the easy thing to do are rarely the same" or something like that. I think if you get married and have kids you should try your absolute hardest to stay together and if you can't, at least make it work until the kids are moved out. If two people were willing to spend the rest of their lives together at one point and then willing to commit to having children, there's got to be some connection that brought the two people together and kept them together so ling.

 

I too agree with the first part, and not the latter. Kids or not, I believe a couple should do all they can before they take the divorce route, however I absolutely am against parents staying together "for the kids", for a few reasons.

 

One, the kids know something is not right, and instead of being taught from their parents what relationships can be like (positively) by moving on, maybe finding other partners, or at least being happy single, they often end up with a jaded view of relationships and marriage.

 

Or, the parents stay together until kids move on, then they split up, both wasted many years, but also, the children feel even more betrayed, that the past few years have been a lie of sorts. They realise they were the only thing keeping their parents together, and again, it can give them a jaded view. I also think going through a parents divorce at this stage is harder then doing it as young, from talking of the experiences amongst my friends.

 

As nova said:

 

But ... sometimes it just doesn't work. IMO, if the couple tries and it just isn't working, it's better for everyone's mental and psychological health for the parents to get divorced, rather than raising the kids in a troubled, tense, problematic. emotionally messy situation. Divorce is far from ideal. But once a marriage runs into trouble, you're pretty far away from ideal ... "ideal" is off the table, and you're looking at least worst options for everyone.

 

I agree completely.

[ratherbesailing]

Rippedapart -

 

I wanted desparately to keep my marriage together when my ex finally admitted to having an affair but she was a real mess and her head was somewhere else. She wasn't thinking of the kids or the commitment of marriage. She was gone and didn't even resemble the girl I thought I married years ago. Maybe if I had given her a year or two to figure herself out we could have reconnected but when I realized I was the only one who cared about the marriage I found I needed to get out and move on and give what was left of my energy to my sons.

 

My parents weren't divorced but I hate the word divorce, I hate the thought of my kids growing up in that situation, I hate the whole idea of it and I'm uncertain how god considers my situation. I never thought I'd end up divorced but one person can't keep a marriage together by themselves, at least I couldn't.

[LifeArtist]

I just found this forum in an effort to figure out what to do in my marriage. It has been helpful to see some of the different perspectives.

 

I will not share my story in the hopes of getting advice. I don't want usurp Rippedapart's thread and can start my own thread if I want to get advice on my own issues. Instead, my intent is to add my piece to the discussion.

 

I have been married for over 15 years and have been thinking about divorce for some time now. My spouse has also talked about leaving in fits of anger, but I don't think she has it in her to initiate divorce -- unless I were to give her an obvious reason, such as infidelity.

 

What it comes down to for me is figuring out what it is that I really want and accepting it. Then I can act to make it so.

 

What I don't like about the marriage is that I don't feel capable of fully being myself. I feel like I am living a lie, playing a role, and suppressing parts of myself in the interest of peace on the home front.

 

How much longer am I willing to do this? At what point do I say yes to being who I really am?

 

I think I am about at that point, but there is a lot of talking to be done. I do want to hear what she has to say. Maybe she will allow me more freedom in an effort to save the marriage (and by freedom, I'm not talking about infidelity). Maybe a trial separation is a good option before jumping into divorce. Maybe she also feels that now is the time to try to divorce as amicably as possible.

 

Ultimately, this is a very personal decision. I get the sense that some here feel that there is no "good" reason to divorce. Others feel divorce is only a last resort.

 

My own opinion is that sometimes you just decide that divorce is the best thing for yourself -- and that's good enough.

[onmyownagain]

Divorce should always be the last resort. Every other avenue should be explored first. If you don't believe that then don't get married in the first place.

[PocoDiablo]

When my wife cheated on me, divorce was the best thing I think I had ever done in my entire life. It allowed me to grow and learn in ways I never knew imaginable.

 

If I were still with my wife, I'd probably have ended up hurting someone, or myself.