I like her she likes me but...

[mattj]

Ok, so in short, i really liked this girl, and after about a year or two, one of her friends who i have been good friends with for a while by this point suggests i should ask her out- so i did- and she said yes then changed her mind saying that she misunderstood and that she was flattered but that it would be a bad idea seeing how i am good friends with hers if anything went wrong-

 

i understood and though i still liked her tried to be friends, and we went to the cinema just together once, and i have met up with her and our mutual friends several times, most recentley was most fun, we watched a movie at a friends house and had a pillow fight as we were very hyper! all in all shes a good friend but i still like her in the other way

 

and just now, one i was talking to one of her friends i know bestm and she told me out of the blue that the girl i like does like me, just is afraid of relationships after a bad one she had with a guy (who i used to be friends with but now dislike for this as one of a few reasons as i already knew some of this) and he upset her in circumsatances noone has ever told me

 

so what do i do? i like her alot, she likes me but is afraid of relationships- and i apparentley flirt with her and her with me unconsciously all the time making it an odd friendship- i just dont want to upset her, and to be honest have never been in a relationship so dont really know what i would want with one other than just being friends on a sort of different level- im just confused really to be honest!

 

oh and by the way i havent actually posted here since when i asked her out a few months ago- it had a very bad initial effect on me before, but its nice to see this forum is still here and has updated a bit! and thanks for anyone who posts, no really sure what there is as goes advice to give really!

[DiscipleOfChange]

Well Dude,

 

If she isn't comfortable with the idea of a relationship even though she may be interested in you, then that's just a rough deal. I highly reccomend against pushing the issue. I suppose the thing to do is give her time. That may be all it takes. Another thing: while I would trust the words of a mutual friend, when it comes to a persons feelings, I'd trust their words more. MEaning that she may indeed be interested you as your mutual friend says, but it's second hand information.

[mattj]

yeah, your probably right- i do trust this person though, they wouldnt tell me anything if they doubted it- but i guess it would be just best to wait and see what happens

[Dating Coach]

Her excuse is nothing more than excuse. People can say whatever they want, but they will do what they want to do. If she was interested in you, then she would be going out with you.

 

Think about it. She is your good buddy. She cares about you. The last thing she wants you to do is to get all upset and down on yourself if she tells you, "Look, we're good friends and all, but I have absolutely no romantic feelings towards you whatsoever and I never will. Please move on." Instead, she throws you out this excuse that it isn't about you, she likes you, but it's her. She doesn't want to date anyone because she's been hurt and she doesn't want to be hurt again. C'mon now. That's her excuse and actually it is a very common one that girls use. She doesn't want to hurt you, thats the reason behind the excuse but she is not interested. She knows you, and she knows that you will treat a girl right and she knows that you would never hurt a girl you cared for. There is nothing to be afraid of if a girls is dating you. The real issue is that she simply is not romantically interested in you. Her actions speak louder than her words.

[mattj]

well, i would have assumed that her telling one of her best friends she has feelings for me would be something of an indication- and she didnt tell me that at all, she hasnt mentioned naything like that since she turned me down before- which i had assumed was an excuse

[Dating Coach]

well, i would have assumed that her telling one of her best friends she has feelings for me would be something of an indication- and she didnt tell me that at all, she hasnt mentioned naything like that since she turned me down before- which i had assumed was an excuse

 

First of all, you didn't witness that happen, second, it could have been misinterpreted, thirdly, feelings could change, and forthly, who knows what her agenda couldhave been. Regardless, none of it matters. If she was interested in you then she would make an effort to be with you. Yes it is that simple.

 

Actually, even that does not matter. You yourself deserve someone who is willing to be with you, whether they like you or not. You do not deserve to be jerked around and you do not deserve to have you head played with. You made the effort, it isn't coming to fruition, accept it and move on.

[ShySoul]

mattj,

 

Forget what anyone is telling you for a second. What do you want? What does your heart tell you that you should do? You like her? Then don't give up hope.

 

Do you trust this friend? Yes? Then believe her. She is sending mixed signals. If she didn't like you at least partly, then why would she agree to go out with you in the first place? I've never heard of a girl having a pillow fight with a guy she didn't like.

 

I had the same thing happen earlier this year. A girl I liked said she liked me but then switched and said she thought we should be friends only. I was confused and hurt. But I still loved her. And I could tell that she still liked me. She I didn't give up. I didn't move on. I kept up hope. I stayed her friend and continued talking to her. I didn't pressure her into anything, didn't make it seem like I was pushing for more. But if it came up I was honest and said I still liked her and wanted to be with her. She had been seriously hurt before as well and was scared and cautious. But doing as I did got her to finally admit she did like me. It lead to spending the weekend with her, sleeping by her and cuddling with her, wrestling around on the couch together, and kissing her.

 

So don't give up hope. Talk with her about it, and be her friend. There is a good chance this can still work out.

[MetallicAguy]

I'm thinking her friend is attracted to you or something, and the girl ya like is afraid to go out with you because she doesn't wanna fight with her best friend over ya.

[ShySoul]

I'm thinking her friend is attracted to you or something, and the girl ya like is afraid to go out with you because she doesn't wanna fight with her best friend over ya.

 

Possible. But where do you get that from what was said? And why would the friend say the other girl is attracted if she is herself? Just curious what you are thinking, thats all.

[MetallicAguy]

Well, this line:

one of her friends who i have been good friends with for a while by this point suggests i should ask her out- so i did- and she said yes then changed her mind saying that she misunderstood and that she was flattered but that it would be a bad idea seeing how i am good friends with hers if anything went wrong-

and this line:

and i have met up with her and our mutual friends several times, most recentley was most fun, we watched a movie at a friends house and had a pillow fight as we were very hyper! all in all shes a good friend but i still like her in the other way

umm its hard to explain this one...lol, umm the best way i could explain what I'm thinking is like you know how a certain girl likes a guy and her friend likes him too...like the "the more girls that like you the more attractive you are to them" line or something along the lines of that. Yeah, its like that lol, if you can figure that out you'll get what I'm talking about. Oh yeah and that's not the only reason why I don't know how to explain the other parts of my thinking.

[ShySoul]

It's a possibility and I get what you mean. Though I'm not feeling that in this case. Nothing leaps out to that conclusion. Seems like she is scared of what could happen. But its always good to hear different opinions and something for mattj to think about.

[mattj]

hmm, interesting idea- but i know the other friend dosent like me, she has a boyfriend that she likes alot! that and i met her by trying to ask her out, long story but oh well!

 

the thing is that this person rpobably is just very hurt by something- i asked a friend how she was recentley and she mentioned that she pretty much sits alone on the school common room (she goes to nother school, she an all girl school i an all guy school, but we share some lessons) and dosent talk to anyone much as she is too miserable! all her friends keep saying how she is really depressed (this is before i tried to ask her out too). to be honest i have never noticed this about her, and of course when i mention this her friends always answer that maybe its because she likes me- oh and also she recentley suggested we try to get a part time job together. the thing is that im really worried about her sometimes, and so am kinda confused about what to do. at the moment though i guess i'll just try and be friends with her, thats the most i think i can do really given the situation

[ocrob]

Ok, I could not keep up with all of the threads. I apologize, but it has been one of those nights. I say that you privately talk to this girl and tell her how you feel. Tell her that if she has any interest that you can keep it a secret from everyone. This would probably let you know how she feels. It could be really romantic as well. Go get your lady. : )

 

ocrob

[ShySoul]

at the moment though i guess i'll just try and be friends with her, thats the most i think i can do really given the situation

 

That's the right thing to do. Take her lead and get a job together. You'll be working side by side and spending more time with each other. You can get closer and more comfortable with each other. Hopefully she will gradually open up to you and talk about whats bothering her. If she sees you as a guy she can trust and open up to, she may decide that she does really like you and is ready to go out with you. There is always the chance it won't happen, but there is a very good chance it will.

[Dating Coach]

If you have known her for a year or two then she already knows whether or not she likes you. This is not something she needs to "decide". She knows you, you told her you like her, and she isn't coming around.

 

First time you got rejected is no big deal, it happens. The second time, you have no one to blame but yourself. Good luck. I hope you don't waste too much time on this...

[PocoDiablo]

Hi Matt,

 

Here's another take on it. Keeping in mind that you've never really been in a relationship, allow me to give you some input to think about.

 

Ok, so in short, i really liked this girl, and after about a year or two

Okay, I have to stop you right here and now and give you a quick little lesson on attraction. Studies show that most people make a decision within 3 to 7 seconds about the other person. Keeping in mind how important first impressions are, this essentially means that people often realize the outcome of their relationship very fast - a lot sooner than "a year or two." This fact alone leads me to my next point: If you are going to ask a woman out, you need to do it sooner rather than later.

 

Yes, I know this seems crazy, but think about this. Women are magical human beings. Unlike men, who often only focus their love on one person such as their girlfriend or wife, a woman - in my opinion - can more effectively focus their love into two equal but different places: Love for their children and love for their partner. Now because of that duality of spirit, that means that a woman will often have feelings for a man in one of those two areas.

 

So let's think about this for a second. If there is any truth to this, that means that when you meet a new woman, she - like many people - is going to put you in one catagory or the other. You will either be a friend or a lover. The issue at hand here is landing in the "friend" catagory. I find that once you fall into the friend catagory, the woman can develop feelings for you. However, usually a woman will assign feelings to this friend as if he is a boy - a child. Her child. Now this is where things get interesting. Just like a woman can love her child, she can love a boy like a child as well. However, due to normal human behavior, it is highly unlikely that a woman will ever change her feelings for her child into a mature or sexual manner.

 

Men are not like this. Men are very sexual creatures. All too often a man will fall for a female friend. Men will also fall for almost anything this is female, which leads to all sorts of unwanted behaviors. Think about men and underage girls to start, and go from there. A quote that pretty much sums it up for me was said about a species of spider: "The male will have sex with anything that moves, and some things that don't move just to be sure." While this is clearly an extreme case, the point I am making is that men are different than women in how we are attracted to them. So, for example, many men who are friends with young women will find them to be sexually attractive when the young woman hits puberty.

 

This is not so frequently the case with women.

 

So what does all this mean? It means when a woman makes friends with you, it's going to be very hard to jump from being a child-like assosciate to a father figure provider.

 

This is where you are. You have presented yourself to her as a friend, as a child-like boy. Now, you say you have not been in a relationship before, which is clear due to the fact that you have waited almost a year or more to ask her out on a date. Ask you mature, you will find that it is very important to meet a woman, talk to her for a while, and then ask her out on a date within a few times of meeting her. The issue at hand is to make it clear that you are not the child - you are the adult and you, being a man, have an adult relationship in mind. Women expect a man to fall into one of these two catagories - friend or mate.

 

one of her friends who i have been good friends with for a while by this point suggests i should ask her out

While this is all fine and dandy, I should recommend that you never take information second hand. In addition, you should never take information from a friend of someone you like. At best the information could be an interpretation that is inaccurate. At worst, the woman could feel like the friend betrayed her, put you in a bad situation, or you are trying to sneak around behind her back and trick her into something. By going behind her back, you are essentially lying to her. Honesty is important, isn't it? As a result, you should communicate with all women in an up-front and honest, adult, and mature manner. Second hand information is tainted and should be discarded.

 

She said yes then changed her mind saying that she misunderstood and that she was flattered but that it would be a bad idea seeing how i am good friends with hers if anything went wrong-

Your first lesson in woman-ese. A woman more aptly communicates with actions not words. Anything short of an enthusiastic YES is a NO. I find that many women simply cannot say No - not even to save their life! In fact I know women who cannot cancel job interviews because they don't want to hurt the feelings of the interviewer. Crazy but true.

 

i understood and though i still liked her tried to be friends, and we went to the cinema just together once, and i have met up with her and our mutual friends several times, most recentley was most fun, we watched a movie at a friends house and had a pillow fight as we were very hyper! all in all shes a good friend but i still like her in the other way

Yes, you are male!

 

Notice - actions speaking louder than words - she is spending time with you, but also with other people around. If a woman is interested in you, she will spend time with you alone, and will make herself available to spend quality time with. Movies are great, but only if you are cozy on the couch, just the two of you, and the parents are out of town. Understand?

 

and just now, one i was talking to one of her friends i know bestm and she told me out of the blue that the girl i like does like me, just is afraid of relationships after a bad one she had with a guy (who i used to be friends with but now dislike for this as one of a few reasons as i already knew some of this) and he upset her in circumsatances noone has ever told me

Excuses, excuses. What does the friend have in this? Why is the friend sticking their nose in her business? Sure, she may be shy, but I don't buy it.

 

Overall, I think it would be wise for you to search around the forums a little bit. Overall, I think you will find that friends do occasionally get together, but in the long run the relationships stumble. My advice to you would be to understand that you've involuntarily friendzoned yourself, and this is something that is very difficult to get out of.

 

I've tried 8 times over the course of about 15 years. It never worked. In the long run I realized many of these so-called friends used me to take them to movies, buy them dinners, get free rides, so on and so forth.

 

If you are going to date a woman, you need to do it from the start.

[Dating Coach]

If I scored that round 10 to 9, then PocoDiablo just scored a 2nd round KO!!!!

[PocoDiablo]

Thank you.

 

I sincerely hope the advice is illuminating, as I have learned from many, many past relationships and much reading from many varied sources.

 

Experience coupled with research is the best teacher - in my opinion.

[Dating Coach]

Experience coupled with research is the best teacher - in my opinion.

 

Exactly, not idealistic hopeless romantics trying to create their own romance novel. In the perfect world things might work out like a romance novel, but romance novels fall under fiction for a reason, it's not real. Real situations take work, love, compromise, and hardships.

[ShySoul]

mattj, Best of luck with this girl. In your heart you know what to do. Listen to it, stay the good guy who are, and things will work out for the best.

[mattj]

okay, things have got really weird now, she kept saying recentley how i made her more happy than anyone else and stuff- and then just recentley she seems to have decided all her friends except me hate her??? not really sure what to do, because when she randomly gets annoyed at all her friends, and thinks even her closer ones are against her somehow thats defineteley not good!

 

 

in other words, help im worried about her!

[PocoDiablo]

Okay, that is kind of odd. Can you give us some more details, maybe an example of what she said or did?

[mattj]

well, she said that she had decided to ignore everyone she secretly didnt like from now on, which would appear to be all her friends except 3, and last friday she went to the house of one of those friends whit the other one,a dn must have got upset or something because apparentley she actually ran away and went home! now it seems im the only person she is speaking to any more

[PocoDiablo]

Hm. Well, I know she is young, and it seems like she is going through something ... but I am not sure what.

 

And without becoming her therapist, is there any way for you to find out?

 

Is it possible she was raped? Happened to a good friend of mine...

[mattj]

i don't know- it has crossed my mind though- she apparentley used to go out with this guy i was actually almost friends with for a bit whowas not really trustworthy- she broke up with him and all i know about that is that people tell me he upset her and noone will go firther than that- so that coulld explain it but that was over a couple of years ago, and apparentley she has been a bit like this for longer than that