Need your advice guys friends with the ex and/or moving on?

[reborn]

Hey guys,

It has been sometime already. In total 3 months, almost 4. 1 month since final, final breakup where it was clear to him that he no longer loved me in that way and that he didn´t want to have a serious relationship.

 

I´ve struggled through so many different emotions most very intense and painful. I call it my "internal rollercoaster" because that is just how some days, weeks, hours, even minutes felt sometimes. In those times I have always found the closest thing to confort (which seems imposible to achive went your heart feels broken) by pouring my heart out in this forum. I remember last posting I did I thought I was going crazy I was obsessing like crazy about my ex. Thank you guys for all those who took the time to write back to reassure me that what I was going through was normal and that you have gone through this horrible obsessing about the ex that rejected you and no longer loves you phase.

 

I have read a lot since the breakup. I know about the 5 phases of grieve. Lately I feel I am beginning to go through the acceptance phase. For the first time I am thinking clearly, in full sentences and without breaking down to cry (though sad) that my ex is truly not interested in having a relationship with me.

 

His reason amongst not loving me in that way way more is that does not want to have a girlfriend now either me or anyone. I just find that so difficult to swallow. I just feel that he doesn´t want ME as a girlfriend. I know him enough to know that if he really, really likes someone as he liked me in the beginning, though his life is not settled yet he will go for it. And he has a right. But it does hurt to feel rejected.

 

They try you out. They test drive your heart, and then decide you are not good enought for them. That is how it feels. Eveyone has the right to run and leave what no longer works for them. I just wish they gave us the true reasons, or that we had the courage to accept them.

 

Right now I am on "friendly" terms with my ex. He calls or we see each other once in a while (I never call him). For me it still means the world though I behave like I have accepted his decision. To him, I don´t know how it feels. He is obviously attracted to me and has a good time with me, but his decision not to be with me remains. Is like he throws a little bone and I am starving and just chump it up. Though I lie on the outside and seem really cool to him.

 

I don´t really know why I am writing. Maybe just to share my feelings with those that are curious or have time to read a long posting.

 

I know that I shouldn´t be friends with my ex now. I need to heal.

I do have a question though, if I decide to cut it off because we are on 2 different planets as far as feelings and what we want.

1. should I tell him not to contact me anymore

2. should I just block him out of my email and not answer when he calls

 

Please tell me about the acceptance stage. What helps in finally letting go of someone. It is so hard still to think he is no longer in my life and is a different person with different feelings. I still love him, but I must accept, and now I am willing. What are your techniques. you suggetions are highly appreciated.

Reborn

[Knctrnl22]

Why don't you just do what your heart tells you to.

 

If you feel like answering his phone calls answer them.

 

If you feel like replying to his e-mails, reply to them.

 

If you feel like not talking to him or contacting him don't contact him.

 

Whatever you do don't lie to yourself, don't say to yourself that your not going to do something and then do it.

 

I hope you understand and I hope that it helps

 

All that I know is that you are doing good by keeping your emotions to yourself until you get some info from him or time just takes care what is going to happen anyways.

 

Good luck

[zippitt]

You do need to break it off for now, you need to get over him. It will take some time yet, you still seem very attached. Just let him know that it is too much for you to deal with at this point in time, he should understand. I can't say I remember going through each stage of a breakup individually. Looking back it's all just a blur. I still remember the uncontrolable emotions, I laugh at it now...it sucks to be there but you will get past it. I just focused on something that I enjoyed to get me through the tough times. The gym was my focus, I started looking better, got more energy, got to see all the other good looking people which really helps getting the ex out of your mind. I got to the point where I was addicted to the gym, the workouts would always suck the depression right from my body. For the longest time it was the only thing that would work. It might not be as effect for everyone but it's a good way to feel better and meet new people. Really you need to find something to keep you busy, if you don't keep busy your mind wanders. You start to think about the what ifs, you start thinking of the past instead of the future. Also I know we are not perfect, but think about all your ex bad habits and personality traits. Think about how those imperfections would just impede you or hurt you. You don't have to hate your ex, but think about all the ways he would not workout with you. When my ex broke up I removed everything that reminded me of her. I even got a new job and moved to another location. It's drastic but I did what I had to...It was all for the better. That was about 8 months ago...now I am with a new girlfriend that I am very happy with. Yes I still think about my ex, in fact she tried to contact me recently. However I am stronger now, I did not return her email but simply deleted it. I am proud of how far I have come...you can get there too! Just believe in yourself. I know it's hard, at this point your heart is ruling your head. However your head knows what to do, listen to it. Listen to yourself and do what you know you must, you can find strength in yourself. It does exist! I remember how pathetic I felt, how weak and hopeless. When you start to force yourself to change, to let go, to enjoy other things in life you will feel the strength return. You will remember who you were before you got into the relationship that drained you. The better person in you is waiting to come out...you will be stronger for it. So true is the quote "that which does not kill us makes us stronger."

[crookster_man]

Nothing hurts more then heartbreak. It's the one wound that is constant and you can't see healing. It seems to suck the very life out of you. I never really understood the emotion of grief. What purpose does it serve? Well anyways enough metaphysical talk today.

 

As to your question, if you want to get over him you need to sever contact. It's almost impossible to move from lovers to friends. Because the old relationship is still visible, so letting go is extremely difficult. You need to sever ties with him for at least 1 month, I say more but that's me. Once you do this, you can focus on your self. You will still wonder what your ex is doing, that's normal. But stay strong. Start exercising. Things that take your mind off your ex is good.

 

There will be moments when you forget about the sadness, and feel good. As your focus on that, they will grow in strength and occurrence. Stay strong you will heal and grow from this.

[Genesis]

That person will always be in your heart you just need to focus on your rebirth or new life.

 

When he calls avoid his calls or tell him to give you some space to distance yourself from the relationship.

 

It seems as if he wants you in his life but does not want to make a commitment. That is how some guys are.

 

When you talk with him it only reopens the wounds and puts you right back to the day when you broke up.

 

Give yourself space to enjoy life and find fellowship with people in your church. Pamper youself, love yourself and most of all know that there is nothing wrong with you, he is the one with the problem.

 

Do not worry about what your ex is doing! Life is not over you can over come this breakup. You can not move on with him in your life right now.

 

The best thing is to not worry about what stage you are in just live life and try to do something that makes you happy each day.

[cruisin]

reborn,

 

we really seem to be following parallel paths here. The questions you ask are the ones I'm struggling with myself at this time so I don't know if I'm of much help.

 

I was inclined to go with Knctrnl22's advice and say, go with your heart, but I don't know, email and phone calls don't really convey the true feelings. Jeez, did I ever realize that when I saw the ex the other day. It was the first time I'd seen him since he dumped me and though I thought I was somewhat cool with everything after talking on the phone and by email, when I saw him I couldn't even look at him.

 

I think this is why people say to break off contact, at least for a while. It gives you time to get on your own feet, without him.

 

I mean, he wants to call me and be friends and help me out with work etc, but inside, I'm thinking, what for, what for, what for? And with email then I think, oh, why not, and I feel strong but seeing him, I just crumbled. OK, it didn't help that I was deathly ill with a flu or something and in the midst of a very difficult work project, and that he (an alcoholic) was downing free beer after free beer in front of me as if he were just a happy-go-luck fellow out for the day. The alcohol is something I didn't realize he had a problem with and I also didn't realize what being with an alcoholic was all about. Slowly I think I learned but not without a lot of thinking it was all my fault.

 

Ok, got off track there. So, what I'm saying is that, from this last meeting, I get the feeling that I'm more where you are now. You call it the acceptance stage but you're wondering just what you have to accept and what you'll have to work with if you do "accept it." I think maybe, as others have said, maybe what we have to accept is the fact that there is nothing salvagable anymore. That it's pie-in-the-sky thinking to be imagining we can have some sort of satisfying relationship with him again. And yes, seeing him again made me realize how much I miss him (when he was being nice) and believe me, he was being nice this time. But I have to think of all the times he wasn't nice, when he had me in tears and confused and feeling so very much alone even when we were "together."

 

So maybe just do the cool shoulder routine. Don't jump though you're starving. What he's throwing you is poisoned meat. And don't wag your tail and cuddle up to him either. He'll just push you away again and again and break your heart over and over.

[Bones28]

reborn: I went through much of what you went through and know exactlky how you feel. The great point you made is about him throwing you a bone and you chomping it right up....I DO THE SAME THING...for example...she will say something like I miss you and I will all of a sudden say "I miss you so much too" and then she will turn into a diferent person.

My one piece of advice is to turn that situation around. When he throws you a bone, change the topic or make something up tp get your mind away from what you really want to say. Good luck sweetie, we're cheering for yyou

[reborn]

To all who have answered,

Thank you all for taking your time and giving me such thoughtful advice regarding. I so appreciate all each of you have said. You each make very good points that will be helpful in my final decesion when my heart is ready to make it or my head clear and strong enough to impose. Though this is a very painful and private experience to go through I do feel supported by all of you and that helps a lot.So thanks a million.

 

One of the most challenging things of keeping in contact with an ex at this sensitive stages is that through the contact, small talk, you get to know what there are up to. And at least I, please let me know if it happens to you too, follow in my head their schedule and think we would be doing this together now. For example, this weekend is the wedding of one of his best friends, I was invited to the wedding. Last time we spoke and also last time he emailed he kept talking about the wedding. So ofcourse, it is a bit painful for me. I make believe I don´t hear it and I will make sure on Saturday I do something fun but little thoughts creep up and I have to make an effort to just kick them out. Its hard but I should manage. Does this schedule following sound famiiliar?

 

Well, in any case guys, I have decided to rest my head and heart no matter what or when I decided. No matter what I just have to adjust to the new reality as hard as it is and just bite the bullet and do it gracefully. Top thing now is really just to take care of me as my ex has done, think of what is best for him. And right now (or ever) that does not include being with me and that is the best he can do at this time. So I must do the best I can do at this time too. The hard part is hope. It is very stubborn and persistance. I am still thinking in the hope that the fact he still wants me in his life as a friend provides me with not what is really best for me at this point. But I will feel ready hopefully soon to do the right thing. Thanks a lot and keep writing to me it helps so much.

-Reborn

[cruisin]

Dear reborn,

 

Yes, I can understand this schedule-following thing. Although, in my case, the ex moved far away and is not in the city so his schedule looks nothing like it used to and so of course I can't picture myself with him. But, here, when I do things that we used to do together I feel awful and there are certain places I haven't dared go yet. Certain places, like restaurants, I'm going to go to with friends so that I can make new memories. Going alone kind of just keeps you in the past. But there are other things, such as walks and so that I can't do with other people and yet I must do them alone (like walking to the station) and they continue to hurt, even though I had done them alone before he was with me. It's tough and it makes me angry that my world became so colored by him and I can't even say that there were happy memories because when I look back on so much I have the awful feeling that I was being taken for a ride most of the time and that so much of what he was doing/feeling/thinking was kept hidden from me.

 

I hope you get through the wedding day OK. You'll probably feel horrible when you get home for the day though. But then I guess you know that. I really think you have got to try to take your focus off what he is doing if at all possible. You seem to be dwelling on him so much and it sounds like your contact with him is really hurting you.

 

Do you think the small talk is worth it? I was doing the same thing with the email but when I saw him the other day I couldn't. He tried but I couldn't. It seemed so farcical. He asked me small talk questions and I could only say, "What do you care?" All my resolve to keep the doors of communication open crumbled. I was surprised at the hate I felt wanting to seethe out in spiteful retorts. It made me rethink the "keeping in touch" idea. I really started questioning the good in it.

 

Do you think in your case it's still a good idea? Only you can know. Please take care of yourself reborn. We're all there for you and praying you'll feel better and better as time goes by.