Broken Like You

[Outcast-Angel]

i've never really had anyone criticize my poetry before.. thought it could help improve my writing if someone would tell me what could make it better.. your comments are muchly appreciated!

Broken Like You by Outcast-Angel

Alone in the cold winter she sat,

Peaceful, unmoving as though she slept

Snow tangled around her like crisp linen sheets

No movement betrayed what she hid in her heart

Then the clouds lifted, shadows removed

there was blood on her mouth, sweet ichors of life

There was death in her eyes, dancing under the moon

and it sang her tale in a half-breath

"I am the promise, broken like you"

her lips never moved, eyes locked to mine

But the cold wind flitted, whistling among the boughs

and i saw the blood on her lips from her heart, imploded

the death in her eyes, reflected in his

and the winter of loneliness that sealed her fate.

This was the deceit of love.

There were no silken roses, those bushes lay barren by the road

There was no fiery passion to heat the blood

that lay spilt on the frozen floor.

i looked at the moon and saw myself trapped,

caught between a promise made, and a promise kept.

[butterflycloud]

Wow, that was incredible. I dont write poetry myself but I could almost taste the feelings in that poem!

[darkblue]

Deep and beautifully written.

 

It's great to see you around, Heather.

Remember that you can always PM me if you would like to talk.

[Outcast-Angel]

Deep and beautifully written.

 

It's great to see you around, Heather.

Remember that you can always PM me if you would like to talk.

 

Thanks darkblue, and butterflycloud. that one's probably my favorite so far.. i actually wrote it a while ago, and haven't really come up with anything as good since. i was going through my notebooks and stuff the other day and found it. wanted to see if it was actually good, or if it was just me.