Painful Limbo.. not a doormat.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello again everyone

 

 

Ok, so maybe the 95% of you with the same opinion about my situation are right. We are in limbo. I do resent the 'doormat' metaphor. Im not sitting around, waiting on her every move. I infact have been trying to improve myself. Started playing hockey again, (which I absolutely love.) Okay, I started playing about 2 weeks before our break up, however, I still love it, and will continue to do so, because it makes me feel better about myself, and its just super fun. Ive also improved my living space. Re arranged, bought new accents, new bedroom linens... things ive wanted to do for a while, but put off. And I really do feel good about it.

 

However, the fact remains that yes. We are in Limbo. Its obvious that neither of us were happy with where the relationship was, but at the same time, neither of us are ready to move on. Am I offering her emotional support? Absolutely. And she is doing the same for me. This morning, she gave me a surprise phone call to wake me up. I havent gotten one of those in months. Just a quick 'good morning, I had a dream about you, and wanted to you to know that Im thinking about you. Have a great day, Id like to talk to you later.' Well that was the basics of the phone call.

 

Last night, she told me that she would like it if I was to attend an 'Alpha course' with her. It is an 8 week course, an 'introduction' if you will, to Christianity. Now, faith and spirituality have always been a big part of her life. Unfortunately, I had a very closed mind towards that stuff, thereforeee, she didn't involve me partially because she knew my views, and figured I didn't want to be involved.

 

But in these last few weeks of 'soul searching' I have come to realize that being closed was selfish even immature really. If it is important to her, it is important to me. Maybe spirituality, and faith is something that I need to open myself to? So ive done some online reading, and have decided that it would be in my best interest to do so. If only for the fact that opening my mind and heart, will help me to become a better person.

 

The thing is, this 'Alpha Course' doesnt begin until January. She told me that she doesn't have a timeline on our situation. But if we are to seriously involve eachother more, and attempt to 'find' what is right, she would like to include this course in that process. So we aren't a couple, but we arent making ourselves available to other people. She still considers me her man, and her - my girl. But this 'limbo' is really hard. She is coming to visit on Friday night, to talk some more, and to come and watch me play hockey. Should I tell her that this limbo is painful? Or just enjoy our time, have fun and try to relax?

 

More opinions on the situation would be appreciated.

[heloladies21]

This method will only lead to your pain and eventual disaster when she dumps you for good. NC is the best thing to do, but you haven't reached that point yet.

 

Best thing to do is to tell her how you feel whenever you feel like it. It won't bring her back, but after enough rejection you will see NC as the way to go.

[patience]

has she come right out and said that she wants to get back together?

 

are you genuinely interested in her faith? or are you going to try to change yourself to please her and win her back? (you wouldn't be the first to go that route...but it usually doesn't work in the long run)

 

some questions coming to mind are: are you still living 100 miles apart? is she planning on moving to where you live? or you to where she lives? are the two of you physicall intimate at all? is this the woman you want to marry?

 

it seems you are willing to do a lot for her...so it is important for you to know what you want longterm...is she really the one, or do you just miss having a girlfriend?

[Jjasonn28]

Patience;

 

I AM willing to do a lot yes. As for the faith aspect, I am only willing to open myself to it. Ive had very strong opinions against any sort of religion, but perhaps for wrong reasons. Im not expecting to go, and become a believer, And I wouldn't go SIMPLY because she wants me to, or to do it for her. First and formost, its for me. I simply want to go and see what it is. If anything, its not so much the faith, or spicific religion, but more the spirituality. This self reflection as a result of this break up has me questioning many things about myself.

 

No, she hasn't come right out and said she wants to get back together. Hence the limbo.

 

And yes, we still do live 100 miles apart, and will be that way until she is finished her degree in May. After that, her plan is to find work, and perhaps persue a few part time certifications. Since the moment I knew I loved her, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I am a skilled tradesman, (Journayman Drywall/Framer/Acoustic, and 4th term apprentice finish Carpenter). Being so, I can generally get work wherever I go. In my mind, I figured that wherever she ends up wanting to live/work would be fine with me. I am flexible, and want only to be happy together.

 

As for the intimacy, that would depend. Before the break up, we were seeing eachother roughly once a week. Depending on what our plans were, if opportunity presented itself, yes we were intimate. After the break up, weve seen eachother only a couple times. The most intimate we have been, is holding hands, hugging/cuddling. I have held off kissing her. Even though its hard.

 

And I am positive I dont just miss having a girlfriend. There is another womanl who is VERY interested in me. She is a sweet, attractive, successful girl, who most guys would probably think Im rediculous for just being friends with. Especially with all the advances she has made. If i just wanted a 'girlfriend' I could have one.

[Shadows Light]

I think its great that you are once again concentrating on what makes you happy. Such as HOCKEY. You should look to what pleases you.. and makes you the person you are. Too often, when we fall in love, we leave a part of us behind... and forget to "grow" as individuals. Such as, maybe she forgot that she fell in love with a man who "played hockey"... all those things that were you.. before you met. All those things that she found out about you that interested you. The you.. became we... and soon you forgot about ... YOU. Does that make sense?????

 

Taking an interest in each others... Hobbies. Well, I think thats cool. Why not. But it doesn't mean you have to fall in love with that thing or like it. Maybe its not for you after all but you then get to see why she's turned on by what she is turned on by.

 

Religion... uh oh... yikes. This is a very personal topic. I am a very open minded individual. And I think, I would attend a class to see what it is all about. It would be a learning if nothing else. But then again..I have a previous interest in Theological studies. Doesn't mean I'm going to convert or anything. So, in your situation... I think its a cool idea that you want to be open... and 'see' what its all about. As long as the expectation isn't for your conversion and induction into a religious sect that you will be miserable with. Both of you have to have a very open mind about this and talk about the expectations.

 

Maybe..she isn't the girl for you. But it doesn't mean that you couldn't be friends... or have someone out there you call friend that you were once closer to. I would be very open and honest with her about how you feel about this... distancing. IF it is hurtful for you as an individual...to see her and NOT be close. Then don't torture yourself... or set yourself up for more hurt. Be honest and tell her that you might need to go NC. Or the both of you date other people.. becuase this is too painful.

 

We all have different thresh holds of what we can take. Opening up yourself to learning is great. But don't do it if its going to cause you emotional stress and strain. Do it for you and only you.. not to GET something from her in return. Its not fair to her... and its not fair to you.

[patience]

On Friday, when you see her, I suggest you ask her how she is feeling. Ask her what she is thinking. Pay attention to what she says, really listen to her. Then share what you are thinking and feeling. This is important. Your wants and needs matter just as much as hers do. Don't repress your concerns, they are valid. For a relationship to work, there has to be a solid foundation, and communication is the 'cement' shall we say. Having these sorts of discussions in person is really important...you need to have eye contact, see her body language, and hear the tone in her voice. It is difficult on the phone to really know what someone is feeling.

 

Distance can negatively affect the bond that people have with one another. People need to have time with each other to stay strongly connected. Seeing someone once a week is not often enough time with a person to maintain true intimacy (I don't mean just physical intimacy) The distance may have hurt your relationship. Long-distance relationships are a lot of work, and do take a concerted investment. Are you both willing to find solutions and compromise so that you spend enough quality time together? Are you both equally commited to reconnecting? Perhaps she is more focused on school right now, whereas you already have your career, so you are able to focus more on the relationship. You are in different places in your lives in that sense, which can also present a challenge to having a balanced relationship.

 

I understand that you are feeling drawn to spirituality right now. It seems that you are aware of why you want to learn, and that's good. Hopefully she is not interested in 'converting' you. I can see some compatibility issues if that is the case.

 

You seem so willing to compromise and genuinely interested in being with her. Relocating to be with someone is a serious consideration, not to be taken lightly. Does she know that you are willing to relocate for her? (I would want to know this if I were her)

 

Keep exploring yourself. Get in touch with all of your feelings. Work on determining what you truly need, and ask yourself if she can give you want you want.

 

Limbo is hard, really hard...but she does seem to be giving you attention, and is making some efforts. If you need more interaction with her, tell her this. Keep it real.