What now?

[Ive_messed_up]

I am not sure why I am writing this. I guess I just need to

get it out. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly

appreciated. Here goes................

 

About a year and a half ago my husband and I divorced. It

was never a good marriage, possibly because it was the

result of an unplanned pregnancy. Nevertheless we hung

in there for about 11 years. After our divorce, we decided

to live together so we would not have to put our daughter

(now 13) through the back and forth routine or a custody

battle. Needless to say, that living arrangement didn't last

long. To make matters worse, I developed a drinking

problem, partly I believe, because of all the tension, since

I have moved out, its not an issue. The problem is my ex

does not agree. He has told my daughter (who is living

with him) that I am dangerous and that my boyfriend

(whom I am living with) is the scum of the earth and the

reason our family fell apart (not true on both counts). My

ex will not allow me to be alone with my daughter at all.

A lot of people would say get an attorney, but I have 2

things going against me in that arena; 1. My ex is very

rich and will use the drinking against me, even involving

my daughter testifying and 2, which is the worst part, I

don't think my daughter wants to be with me after

everything that she has been told. I've tried to tell her my

side, but "Daddy's always right". My daughter is my world.

Until all this happened, we had a wonderful relationship.

I love her more then life itself and have to struggle

everyday just to get out of bed in the morning knowing

that our relationship is so damaged.

 

Update as of 11/11/05: So I received an e-mail from by daughter today basically telling me that I've abandoned her and her father is the only person that cares about her. Doesn't sound like she wants anything to do with me anymore. How am I going to accept this and go on?

[WildChild]

Holy hannah, get an attorney! Prepare yourself....if drinking is not a problem, have a chemical dependency assessment done to prove you do not have a drinking problem. Get yourself into counseling, and have your daughter go with you. This man has resentment towards you for whatever reason and he is using your daughter as leverage. If he knows what you fear, he will continue to do this and only you can stop it whether he has money or not! He is manipulating her to control you and it is emotional abuse! Email your daughter back and tell her that is not true, you love her very much and you would never abandon her. Do not bash your ex to her though, it will not sit pretty in the eyes of the Court. You want to show the Court that no matter what you did not stoop to his level!

[minnie]

Do you want to accept it and move on?

 

I dont think you do, you just need to try and be the best person you can for your daughter, and prove to her who you are - her mother, who - loves her more than life itself. There will come a time when she will see this, it may take a while but she will. You just need to prove it to her, dont appear pushy or anything like that, but on the time you see her she will begin to see it.

 

See someone about your drink problem if you are having trouble with it, make it so that when she does see you she will see the person that she used to see. Her father influencing her will only hold for a while, and although you should not tell him or her this - she may end up resenting him for this. You are her mother and she will never be able to get this time back with you. I dont know how you will get through each day, but just think of your daughter and how you and her will be someday - dont give up, just try to be subtle.

[Ive_messed_up]

Thank you for the advice, but getting an attorney won't do any good if she does not want to be with me. I'm not going to force her to be with me. I guess my only choice is to be positive, remember the good times and hope things change for the better in the future. Thank you again for responding, I didn't think it would, but it makes me feel better to talk to uninvolved people about it.

[onmyownagain]

Thank you for the advice' date=' but getting an attorney won't do any good if she does not want to be with me. I'm not going to force her to be with me. I guess my only choice is to be positive, remember the good times and hope things change for the better in the future. Thank you again for responding, I didn't think it would, but it makes me feel better to talk to uninvolved people about it.[/quote']

 

Your daughter is not old enough to make this decision herself. My daughter would prefer to stay with me I think but she is with her mother because that is just the way it is. If you go to court you will get her, it is as simple as that unless you are a complete waste of space which it doesn't sound like you are.

[novaseeker]

Allegations about drinking problems are problematic in custody situations. If you do not have any alcohol-related convictions, I would recommend getting some kind of certification that you are not dependent on alcohol that you can present to a judge.

 

I do agree with everyone else, you should not let your daughter or your ex decide whether you see your daughter. You should go to court about this. Your daughter is not old enough to decide for herself and has been probably really skewed in her views by your ex.

[DN]

Unfortunately. most courts do recognise the right of a child over the age of 12 to decide where she lives, although that may not be the case where you are.

 

I think you should tell your daughter that you love her, that you don't want to get into a war with her or her father and that you will always be there for her when she is ready to talk to you. Continue to send her loving messages, birthday and holiday cards and presents and make it clear that she is welcome to be in your life.

 

The important thing is that she knows you love her. Chances are that if you refuse to engage at his level she will come around. I fear that getting a lawyer involved may turn her even more against you - especially if her father tells her that the costs of defending a lawsuit means that she can't have the things she wants.

 

This may take some time so patience is vital. It will be very hard for you but I think the wisest course right now is to take the high road.

[SnookDaddy]

Update as of 11/11/05: So I received an e-mail from by daughter today basically telling me that I've abandoned her and her father is the only person that cares about her. Doesn't sound like she wants anything to do with me anymore. How am I going to accept this and go on?

 

...your daughter is telling you she FEELS abandoned...and she may want YOU to fix that or do something about it...

 

You need to ask her: "how would you like me to fix this feeling you have because it is the last thing I want [to abandon you]?"

 

You have to give her a chance to step up and decide how you can be a part of her life...

 

Keep showing your love for her, not your dislike for your ex.

[ratherbesailing]

I'd love it if you'd change your on-line name from I messed up to I'm doing better or something more positive. It sounds like you may have slipped a little when you were living under very difficult circumstances but we all do and you have it under control now so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

What your ex is pulling wrong and always backfires but it may take some time. Even if you choose not to fight for custody you still need to see an attorney to find out what you can do to stop him from turning your daughter against you. The courts are only concerned with the best interests of the child and what he's doing is not in her best interest and the court is going to want to hear about it.

 

I agree that your daughter may really be asking for help and someone's idea of asking your daughter how she would like you to help her is excellent as is constantly reminding her that your are there for her and you care about her.

 

It is natural for a 12 year old to be angry about her parent's divorcing. My kids were about that age when I ended up divorced and even though it was clear that it was mom's feelings that had changed, they were just as mad at me for letting it happen.

 

It is also natural that she'd be upset that you have a boyfriend. At that age, my son told me that he never wanted me to date ever again. Depending about how you feel about your boyfriend, you may need to keep him invisible. Your daughter might be much more accepting if you lived alone.

 

Hang in there, your daughter will come around in due time.