How long to date before moving on?

[HajiMaji]

I have been dating a pretty solid woman for about 4 weeks. There is so much that I like about the girl, but still there are some things lacking between us.

 

Really, the situation has 2 variables. First, there isnt a lot of magic between us. We get along great and conversation flows really well. Spending time together is fun and enjoyable. I do not feel intoxicated like I have previously felt in other relationships though. I believe this comes mainly down to the fact that we do not fill each other with life or gain lots of energy from each other. My previous relationships have been huge in that respect. We just gained so much energy from each other.

 

Is this issue something I should even be thinking about right now? Is that an important thing to a long term relationship? Can that thing be created between us?

 

And lastly, the second variable is sometimes she says things about her ideal future and i dont buy into them. Mainly the amount in which she intends on drinking worries me - because half of my family drinks quite a bit and it breaks my heart to think about them. Part of me doesnt want to get involved with a woman who doesnt feel like drinking a lot is a phase to grow out of once you settle down. The funny thing is she only drinks once a month or so right now, so I cant even decide if shes lying to herself when she speaks about drinking a lot as she settles into the 'adult' life.

 

Is that a red flag? I mean she pretty much told me she 'knows' shell be an alchohalic and is totally ok with it (her parents are addicted to drinking and thinks they handle it well)

 

Its only been 4 weeks, im not crazy attatched to this woman. Its still pretty casual (but were growing closer). My thoughts on my situation are probably: Keep spending time with her and learning a little more about her. See if our personalities continue to match and see if we can create a little more energy between us. And as for the alchohal thing, see how it plays out. She doesnt drink much now (i drink the same amount she does right now!) so maybe shes just being cute. So Id say roll with it until its a problem. Its just that dating is just the process of finding someone to spend your life with right? And who would want the mother of their children to be an alchohalic!?

 

Do any of you have an opinion? Do you think what I said to myself seems like good advice? I would appretiate any replies!

[RayKay]

You are right, dating is the process of finding out if you are compatible in the long term, and continuing on to see if you are meant to be together for the rest of your life if that is what you are looking for.

 

But I don't think you need to prolong things when there are red flags (drinking thing...she may be being "cute" but I would guess not if its a problem in her family, addiction is very much an inherited thing sometimes) or when you are obviously missing "something". If by this point that something is not there, it is likely not going to just show up, and things will just hurt more in the future when you break it off.

 

Don't force yourself to fall for someone whom is already setting off your warning signals at a month into it.

 

I have no doubt you get along well, but there should be still something more to it then. Now if it was all magic but no compatibility and communication I would say the same thing...that maybe there was not enough.

 

Really it is your choice, follow your instinct AND your heart about this, and whether these are red flags or not, and whether this is enough for you...I am sure you could build up love with her, but that depends on what YOU believe love is and what you want that to be in a long term relationship.

 

Don't settle or force something that is just not there though. It really does not work out in the end.

[cinderelly]

I would see the drinking as a big " red flag" usually people who drink have serious emotional problems and also they are not very responsible. Alot of times they will lie about their drinking and to them it is never a problem but to you it will be because you will become her caretaker.

[PocoDiablo]

What a COMPLETE disaster. How in the world is she going to raise kids? What happens when she cheats when she is drunk? Then takes a job at a bar and gets a DUI? What about the drugs she starts bringing home? Oh, then she drove the car into the center divider on the freeway.

 

Oh, enough about my past, what were you saying? (I divorced my alcoholic ex-wife, by the way. Best thing I ever did. I would NEVER do it again.)

[lillady898]

Avoid the trainwreck before it happens. Alcoholism is a serious issue, and I highly question those who believe otherwise- Like this girl.

 

I have five blood-related uncles/aunts who are alcoholics (four on my mom's side, one on my dad's). Four of them married. Only one of them remains married today. Both of my parents grew up in alcoholic households, and neither of them drink today. Their relationship is much healthier and much happier than anyone in either of their familes (which in turn made my siblings' and my life much easier and happier).

 

Think about what you want in the future, and no doubt you'll make the right decision.