Finally starting NC from now on!

[healinginnyc81]

Liquid cherry has pretty much said all there is to say. I just wanted to agree with that and add that he doesn't sound like a really good person if he is doing this to you. He is messing with your emotions and you shouldn't put up with it anymore. You are better than him and you deserve better

[selfi]

First off all I would like to say im sorry if I seem to be ignoring the advice ive been given. I appreciate it so much, but its like when I make contact with him , everything seems to go out the window.

 

evan called me last night, and I told him I need a bit of time to think as to whether we should be continuing to see eaachother ever again. And he started crying and pleading for me not to get off the phone but I did anyway and went for a walk.

But I keep weighing everything up and even though it hurts not being with him, the THOUGHT of not even being able to talk to him on the phone hurts even moreso. He makes me laugh and essentially makes me feel good...of course its only when the realisation that he doesnt love me comes into play that I begin to feel down again.

 

I called Evan back and he said he feels like he doesnt deserve me. I told him that I made my desicion and that I dont want to leave for good.

Its strange because as soon as I show my vulneribility he seems to swoop down and take the 'upper hand' because then he told me "Oh well prehaps after Christmas then we shouldnt talk to eachother for a while"

This is coming from the man who was just crying an hour ago on the phone telling me that "He wants to see me on Christmas Eve so badly that I dont even have to look at him when he gives me his gift"

 

I dont know what to do, I essentially still love him and want to stay in contact with him but I dont want to be hurting like this any more

[ocrob]

He is using you for his support system. You should not be available for him anymore. That means ignore him completely. I tried staying friends with my ex for almost a year and realized I was her only real friend and her support system. She even told me details about all of the guys she was dating. I don't want to hear that crap. We have not talked for two weeks and I will not talk to her again or until I am over her and we may have a friendship. This girl has been my bestfriend for the last four years, but although I have lost a friend, I am no longer as depressed and don't feel pathetic.

[LiquidCherry]

Push and Pull, Selfi. He's not letting you go and he's not taking you back either. You have to hurt for as long as you need to. When you don't need to/want to any longer you'll stop letting him do this.

 

I was listening to the radio yesterday on my way home from school and just caught these lyrics that seem applicable: "The hardest part of hanging on is letting go."

[selfi]

Push and Pull, Selfi. He's not letting you go and he's not taking you back either. You have to hurt for as long as you need to. When you don't need to/want to any longer you'll stop letting him do this.

 

 

Are you saying there is only so much hurt i will be able to take before i end it myself when im at the end of the line? But until then it will keep going and going??

 

If only he didnt do the 'little' things he does... Like today on msn, he wrote next to his name 'I do it for you' He reffering to the fact he comes online, (as soon as he came home he did to see if i was on) Stuff like that hints that he has true feelings for me, and that if i give up on him ill loose what for the most part, makes me happy

[healinginnyc81]

I don't fully know the situation but here's what it sounds like: he may just have a manipulative personality. I have known guys as well as girls who are just really good at saying and doing the things that break other people's defenses. Being dumped is so hard to take that may be why he cries and does things to make sure you don't dump him. But maybe he doesn't feel strongly enough about you to want to commit to working on the relationship

 

Take a step back and see if this applies to your situation.

[coooolsome]

Selfi, you need to stop contact. What are you afraid of losing? You already lost him and now he is playing games with you. He has no respect for you. I can tell that he is playing a power game with you and the only way you are going to be able to keep your sanity is if you stop playing. He really doesnt deserve you nor any other woman. I would never treat an ex this way. He is a Grade-A idiot and deserves to be treated like one.

 

Stop talking to him, dont even tell him you are going to stop. Find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Dont let your heart cloud your mind. If me and you were friends, I would probably slap you until you stopped and then walk to his house and punch him in the face

 

Regain control of yourself. You only need you to be happy. Go out, work out, buy some new clothes, do things that make you happy b/c talking to him obviously doesnt.

 

Oh and to me is seems like he doesnt want you back now. He just wants to keep you on the side in case he cant find someone else. Do you really think you deserve to be 2nd place? Are you a consilation prize? Do you want to be the girl he tells his friends, "Yeah, i married her b/c I couldnt find someone better". Screw that. He will never find someone better and you shouldnt give him the chance.

 

You should be pissed off right now. If my ex treated me this way, I would never speak to her again. Step back and look at what he is doing to you. He is playing games. Someone who wants to be with you will be with you.

[LiquidCherry]

Are you saying there is only so much hurt i will be able to take before i end it myself when im at the end of the line? But until then it will keep going and going??

 

Yes, that's pretty much what I'm saying.

 

If only he didnt do the 'little' things he does... Like today on msn, he wrote next to his name 'I do it for you' He reffering to the fact he comes online, (as soon as he came home he did to see if i was on) Stuff like that hints that he has true feelings for me, and that if i give up on him ill loose what for the most part, makes me happy

 

He may very well have true feelings for you. In fact, he probably does. It is hard not to care for someone you once loved. On some level I care about the people I've dated in my past. I want them to be happy and am always glad to hear that they are doing well either directly or indirectly.

 

He doesn't have enough feelings for you to be with you though, at least not right now and unfortunately maybe never. He gives you just enough to keep you from moving on and because he knows you're still right there he has no reason to take any steps towards a relationship. He knows you're not going anywhere.

 

You can't stand the thought of not seeing him, not speaking with him, and having no contact with him what so ever. You've even told him this so why should he do anything different? He knows he's not going to lose you even though you've already lost him.

 

Unrequitted love is the most painful kind and won't last forever.

[selfi]

He is an interesting fella my ex. And it will never cease to amaze me, how with such ease he will manage to take the upper hand with any situation involving me.

Last night he called me to have a chat, I mentioned that it would be better to not exchange presents on Xmas eve, as we dont live live close to eachother and it will be too rushed. So I asked if he wanted to meet up earler. Evan then proceeded to try and 'fit me in' to his schedule like I was an inconvienience. I told him that I didnt want to be 'fitted in' and I found it quite rude.

 

Then he went quite and told me that the reason we cant meet up tonight is because he wanted to go out and "buy me another gift"

And with that, suddenly ill find myself apologising to HIM.

 

I hope no one else here is as easy to control as Im being at the moment ](*,)

[LiquidCherry]

present

 

present = string

 

He's being very manipulative and I think anyone in your situation would find it difficult not to hold out and hope. When or where are you going to draw the line? Maybe if you set a deadline in your own mind (not an ultimatum that you inform him of) and stick to it that will help you.

[selfi]

A personal deadline sounds good. Whats a period of time you reccomend? Im certainly not going to wait according to his '6 months' thing.

[LiquidCherry]

My boyfriend gave the same timeframe, that he *might* want me again in 6 months or so, at least even I believe he said. It seems to be the magic number ex's tend to throw out. There's another poster on here debating to wait six months and I've heard it before from other ex's of mine and others' as well. (My current is the only ex I've ever gotten back together with.) Honestly I feel that when someone tells you they'll know in six months or so it's an empty phrase. I always assumed that it meant they are figuring that you'll have moved on by then.

 

I was cleaning my computer tonight and actually found a letter I wrote to my bf while we were broken up.. So here's some bits and pieces compiled to make some sort of sense:

 

I cannot hold on to what ifs and maybes, especially if there are none. You told me that you just want to be alone. If you really want to be alone spending time hanging out with me will get in the way. Only you know if there is really a chance for us. I don't want the blow to be softened; I want to know the truth. I can't wait forever and I can't wait for an indefinite period either. I need to take care of myself and do what is best for me as well. I cannot allow myself to hold onto something that isn't there. I really do hope that we can work things out but if not there is something you need to understand. The thing is, I don't want to be friends with you; I want to be in a relationship with you. And so I can't be just your friend. I would be the one getting hurt further and I need to give myself a chance to heal.

 

I actually gave him a time limit of two weeks to make up his mind but it's too embarrassing to post my begging here. I figured that if he really loved me that was long enough. My mistake wasn't in setting a time limit, it was telling him about it. Believe me, it didn't go over well. I actually only waited for 11 days before I let go, for the most part anyway, in the very least I had given up hope and that helped me a lot. If he had come back to me even just a few weeks later than he did I probably wouldn't have taken him.

 

You don't want to wait 6 months. Do you want to wait 3? How long have you already been waiting? You have to make a decision to walk away. I'm not offering this as advice but what I would do (if I were you) is wait until after the holidays. If not to delay a different sort of pain then to start the new year fresh.

 

I think a part of you is afraid of letting go and hoping has become a sort of comfort. Not having that hope and truly accepting that the relationship is over is frightening.

[selfi]

Ive been waiting three months.

Each time he contacts me I fool myself for that brief moment that everythings definitely going to be okay, and you are right- I have become comfortable with a situation that ultimately makes me an emotionally unadjusted person.

 

When the reality that he isnt my boyfriend hits me, it still hits me hard. For instance, I was going through my old mobile phone which has a bunch of text messages from him, (some were just days before he ended it)

In everyone one of them he would write how much he loves me etc etc.

I compared it to how unfortunately different things are with us now, and I realised the true degree of how comfortable ive become taking the 'scraps' of affection he throws at me; That's all it takes to make me happy these days.

 

Its probably is too long,but I think I will wait until the end of my school break (which is at the 1st of March)

[LiquidCherry]

March 1st? Lucky.

 

Three months is a long time to wait and you want to wait another two or so. That is almost the 6 months he said it would take for him to know. And really, if he can let you feel this hurt for this long... But don't just spend this time sitting around waiting and hoping. Use this time preparing yourself mentally to let go.

[selfi]

Hello.

It came to Xmas eve, and I was still unsure about whether we should do the whole exchanging gifts thing. When I told him that, he said he really wants to do it blah blah and offeredd to read me a letter he wrote for me to convince me to come.

 

Anywho of course I went, (he spent a lot of money on me,) and in the letter he wrote of how special I am to him, that he loves me etc etc wonderful things he has said all before.

 

This all made me very happy of course, then he did the switch. He said maybe we shouldnt see each other any more. The very thing he has continually kept me from doing, he now wanted to do all of a sudden

Predictabllly I got very upset, we both cry and argue, then after much duress, he agrees that we WILL still see eachother.

*sigh*

 

Ive become a mess, so emotionally unhealthy by all this 'effing around.

Im starting to have really bad dreams again which affect me greatly, I know he cares about me, but Im just exhausted.

 

We are supposed to begin working out some sort of a relationship between eachother, but I dont have much faith on his part effort-wise.

 

If im not doing NC, Do you guys think there is a way we can have even a friendship between us, if we work hard at it?

[healinginnyc81]

Honestly, I think you have a better chance at being friends if you do NC. It will give both of you time to get over the break up and once you've done that you can try to be friends. Without that there will be too many mixed feelings for you to get along as just friends.

[selfi]

im falling apart, I feel so helpless, I need some support

 

bkjsun, I want to be able to do NC, but I dont think im strong enough. I really want to be, but Ive tried it before and I cant.

 

I just got off the phone to him, and he brung me down. He is so unwiling about wanting to work things out. he doesnt love me, he loves himself.

 

I wish I had more friends or something that will actively keep me occupied from thinking about him.

Im his last priorety now, he has had his fun with me (sex and all) now he has no problems about confidently saying he doesnt want to string me along, and to "get over it"

 

I know I can only find the strength within myself,but right now Im not handling things well at all. It seems Evan got such a great end of the deal,

and I got nothing. In the laws of Karma something should of happened to him by now, to teach him how to treat people!

[healinginnyc81]

People like him who treat others unfairly will end up unhappy because they can never have a true relationship.

I was completely helpless and hopeless the first week after I broke up and I didn't know about this forum and I had no one to talk to. It was pure hell and my ex wouldn't even look at me when I saw her in classes. I cried throughout each of the first 3 or 4 days and just wanted to crawl up and die. It's good to cry it out for a couple of days. It also helped me to write letters to her that I didn't actually send.

But I think you should go with your feelings: if you feel like crying, cry; if you feel like watching tv, watch tv; just don't try to force yourself out of the sad and empty feeling and don't try to escape the feelings - just believe that it will pass and it will be easier if you don't talk to or worry about your ex.

 

Another thing that I did (after the first couple days of crying) was to write down all the qualities about me that I could think of that I would consider strengths and that other people would consider my strengths. That helped to slowly give me hope that I was worthy of being loved and that if my ex didn't love me, she didn't deserve me.

It's going to be really tough, but with all of us here, you can get through this, Believe me.

[LiquidCherry]

You ARE strong enough to go through with NC, it's just a matter of working up your gut, getting yourself ready to actually DO it. And really, NC will be so much better for you than what you are going through now.

[selfi]

bkjsun, its been three months and if i dont hear from him, I still feel as bad as the first day it happened...I think writing down all my qualities is a good idea, it might cheer me up and change my outlook, thanks for the suggestion.

 

I couldnt sleep ALL night last night...ended up attempting to call him at 4:30 in the morning : (

After work he send me text a message saying he will call me soon. Im at this stage where I cant stop thinking back on all the beautiful memories we had, and I start breaking down, they just creep up on me unexpectandly. I just wish I understood not only him but mysef better to do this.

[selfi]

We talked on the phone tonight and we agreed that there are still things to be ironed out and we will talk about them.

He asked to go out on Friday but im not too sure, for me New Years Eve is a big deal, and im sad that he doesnt care to spend it with me or even see me sometime during the day on NYE...its just a day i value alot.

 

I suppose my question is; Do you think the way we are 'breaking up together' is going to bite me on the * * * in the end?

Im no longer 'actively trying' to get him back, but in the end if he is in constant ccontact with me indefinitely then it is more likely a detterent for him to EVER see me as his girlfriend again right?

[healinginnyc81]

selfi,

yes you're right if he just keeps in contact with you - it will hurt you more and more. It hurts any chance you have of getting back with him AND it prevents you from healing and moving on. Please try to stop contact. Talk to us here if you have to. (Or message here or AIM: bkjsun)

 

Any time you breakup from a strong relationship you have to take time to yourself to get over it. You can't do that if the ex is still there.

 

I had a relapse of sadness yesterday. I had been coming to grips with the fact that it's really over. But then I saw my ex's picture on link removed and all the emotions just came flooding back. I started to remember all the good things and the happiness we had together and I got so depressed. I couldn't do anything but I knew I shouldn't call her either so I just lay in bed depressed and in pain for a couple of hours. It was torture but I feel a little better this morning although I couldn't sleep much. Maybe that's good, I'm too tired to miss her, ha. No, I'm lying I still miss her. But I think we have to go through this pain so that we release it, otherwise we're just bottling it up for another day. The sooner it comes out the better.

 

Good luck with healing and taking care of yourself, selfi.

And I hope you get to enjoy New Years Eve.

[nataliejulie]

Selfi -- you are taking whatever scraps you can get from him. Does that seem respectful or give you dignity?

 

You are lowering your respect for yourself, living in the past, still offering yourself for him... Is that the image you want to portray to him?

 

Trust me, you said we were in similiar situations. I realized how low I became by doing this to myself, losing my respect and how silence is the best communication for him to realize I am serious about this.

 

 

Please check out a book called "It's called a Break Up because It's Broken" I downloaded it into my iTunes. I can't begin to tell you how much this book has helped me.

[LiquidCherry]

Selfi, I'd say it's already bitten you on the *** and still kicking you around too . If you are not actively trying to get back together with him you are actively hoping to so though your actions might be different your feelings are still the same.

 

I don't know why you said "the way we are breaking up together" and that statement kind of concerned me. I'd like to point out some facts about how this statement is contrary. First, you are not breaking up, you ARE broken up and the difference is about three months worth of time in your case. Second, you are not breaking up together nor did you break up together, he broke up with you. What you are going through now is not the process of breaking up, that part is over and done with. Your situation with Evan right now is a lot of hoping on your part and a lot of him leading you on on his part. Something has to change and you are only in control of yourself.

 

Selfi, I feel for you, I really do. But sometimes I think you just hope so much and want so much that you can't really get a good objective outlook on what is happening. I wish I could say something to make you feel better and to make you feel better about letting go. The only thing I can think of is that letting go of hope isn't going to hurt any "chance" you have, the only thing it will do is help.

[selfi]

I went to his house for dinner last night.

 

How can something I WANT to do (seeing him) end up feeling so hurtful?

I think I cant handle the friendship thing well.

During the time I was there Ill have these bouts of great conversation and happy mucking around, then the smallest thing he might say will trigger me into a sad mood,because he makes me feel insecure.

 

So its up and down all the time, /I cant handle this silly friendship thing too well. I drove home crying after I left.

 

Does 'letting go' involve falling out of love with the person. Does it mean not caring about them anymore? Or is itjust about taking care of your own feelings and needs before his?