Finally starting NC from now on!

[coooolsome]

You know, I was always against NC. But I have come to realize that if your ex wants to talk to you they will call. NC is needed to get you to heal. Clear your head and realize you dont need them in your life. If you stay in constant contact, it just keeps hurting. Yes there is a point where NC is no longer needed but until then it is very much needed.

[selfi]

hey i still AM against NC however am testing it out. I HAVE REACHED THE END OF MY TEATHER NOW THOUGH. IM NOT SEEING THE POINT OF ALL THIS RIGHT NOW... THE EX "UNBLOCKED" ME TONITE ON M.S.N AND BROKE THE NC. I DIDNT RESPOND WITH ANY ENTHUSIASM ... ONLY A JERK WOULD TRY TO MAKE THE FIRST CONTACT VIA FICKLE M.S.N.

BUT ACCORDING TO HIM, CHATTING TO ME WHEN HE SAW ME ONLINE WAS "ONLY NATURAL"

MEH... I KNOW I CANT EXPECT SOME MIRACLE INTERVENTION FROM NOW FROM YOU GUYS UNTIL TOMORO AFTERNOON BUT I THINK IM GOING TO RING HIM TOMORO. IF THIS IS WRONG PLEASE TELL ME BEFORE ITS TOO LATE !!!

 

IVE BEEN HAVING TERRIBLY DISTURBING DREAMS ABOUT HIM, THEY KEEP GETTING WORSE AND WORSE SO WOULD REALLY LIKE SOME SUPPORT

[LiquidCherry]

My boyfriend started contacting me via the computer first when we split. Maybe it's because he is a jerk as well.. But for him it was "natural" too which I suppose isn't a bad thing. I don't think it would be wrong to call him but you should consider why you want to do so first and also, if you you still feel NC would be in YOUR best interest.

 

I'm so sorry about your dreams. Maybe if you tried thinking about something, anything other than him before falling asleep so he wouldn't be the last thing on your mind that would work. And if you can sleep with some noise try leaving the TV on or some music because the background noise might be enough to keep your dreams away from him.

[coooolsome]

Sometimes its easier to talk to someone over email or IM so that you dont get out of control. Dont forget, both the dumper and the dumpee need to get over the relationship. Just b/c he dumped you doesnt mean he isnt hurt. He is just farther along in the process than you are. If he cared for you at one point then he will have to heal just like you.

[selfi]

i understand where he may of been coming from now.

and i know he needs to heal as well. but why does he have to be so nice to me when he does contact? our little IM convo, may have lasted say 5 minutes, but in that time, he manages to flirt with me, joke around and show similar affection and love like when we were together.

 

prehaps its because ive only known him for a year ,but its because i dont trust him enough or have any faith in his actions. thats why i want to be the first to contact him, or ask him to go on a day out with me before he does. ive had advice that he'll come around- i just dont believe any of it. ..

how lame, we've split for a month but we havent even been in NC for a week yet and im complaining like its been months and months! sorry guys, prehaps this is an indication of how much i want him back

 

liquid cherry thx for ur suggestion, lately the tv has become my best friend. i am trying SO HARD not to have these dreams but they still come. ill just have to try harder!

[coooolsome]

If you want him back then go NC. Let him realize what life is like without you. If he gets mad, then just say you were really busy and what not. Get out, go do new things, stay busy(easier said than done) He never has to make a decision with you still in the picture until he finds someone new.

[LiquidCherry]

If you want him back you really should let him lead. If he wants to hang out he WILL let you know. But if you ask him first he might think you're being pushy (even if you're not)... I learned something from this site and my own experience. You can't do anything to bring your love back. Nothing. All you can do is wait until they come back on their own or wait until you heal on your own. So while you can't "win" them back you can do things that will push them further away. Have a good night Selfi...

[Hawk]

That's also the best advice I have got from the site - you can't do anything to bring them back - they have to find their own way back and in the meantime you find a way to move on. But all the contact that you make in an effort to get them back does only push them further away.

[selfi]

im still so very hopefull but i hate hearing the truth.

pushing him away is the last thing i want to do, even last night he reassured me that he will talk to me soon, but its not enough for me... i still dont understand.

[Hawk]

As humans we live in hope - and pushing away is the hardest thing to do. As for understanding it, well that is a different story all together, to try to understand how someone can pledge their love and devotion to you and then tell you that their feelings have changed is indeed a difficult question to answer.

[selfi]

As humans we live in hope - and pushing away is the hardest thing to do. As for understanding it, well that is a different story all together, to try to understand how someone can pledge their love and devotion to you and then tell you that their feelings have changed is indeed a difficult question to answer.

 

 

so how do we get the answer? or arent we supposed to know?

[coooolsome]

How do you get the answer? Well a friend of mine told me something a month ago.

 

You need to accept it. You dont have to understand the reasons right now but you will in time. Right now accept it and move on and one day you will understand.

 

Answers will come in time. You have to learn patience. Learn to control yourself. If you can do that now when you are so hurt and broken, then when you are healed you will be 100x stronger for it.

[selfi]

he IM me today, telling me that he is sorry for not calling me but that he has Tonsilitis and cant talk, and gets depressed when he gets ill. and that its the worst pain of his life etc etc

seriousely, ever since he dumped me, he's been getting all these illnesses, and hasnt been healthy ffor more than a week at a time (?)

 

i find it too difficult to distance myself ffrom him, even over the internet, so before i know it im nice and sympathetic to him all over again. ive been advised that this isnt a good idea, but when im in the situation i cant help but be affectionate back and in a sense'chase' him.

 

i asked him when we can talk next because its been a week since we had a phone conversation. he said as soon as he is well again that he'll call me, thanks me for the chat and tells me i cheered him up

 

dont know how im feeling right now, other than sad. it was supposed to be our 6 month anniversary tomoro, and looks like i wont be hearing from him it looks like another week.

 

at best, maybe in all the time he spends in bed, he can realise what an idiot he has been.

[LiquidCherry]

If you want your ex back, which you do, it's okay to show some affection as long as it's in reciprocation and not to "chase" him. Let him lead and make sure he's putting forth more effort than you are.

 

I wouldn't ask him when you could talk next or let him know you know how long it's been since your last conversation but that's just me. If he wants to talk to you he will call and it'd feel nice if you didn't have to ask, right?

 

To be honest I don't think him being sick all the time has anything to do with your break up. It's just that time of year.

 

Your NC isn't really NC at this point, which is fine so long as you are doing what is best for you, but my advice to you is to NOT have contact with him tomorrow but if it does happen don't bring up what day it is.

 

Be strong tomorrow and do something to keep yourself distracted.

[selfi]

thanks liquidcherry, i keep forgetting to let him lead and put in the effort.

i am keeping myself distracted today and will try not to have contact either. prehaps ill have a bath! lol

 

how are you and your boy going since getting back together?

 

btw, its summer down here in australia, thats why i find it weird that he's constantly unwell!

[LiquidCherry]

We're doing pretty good actually. We're taking things slowly and trying not to just pick back up where we left off. It's hard though because we had a routine for so long and we both missed it. We've decided not to see each other every day and overnights only on the weekend until we ease back into things. I still don't know if we're really going to work out in the long run though. He has this HUGE problem with communicating that makes it almost impossible. He either shuts down completely or gets rather (and by rather I mean really) angry. I need time to think objectively, before I get myself too invested yet again, because I don't honestly know if we can be successful with an issue like this mainly because it effects all other issues in a rather profound way. I'm confused. But I find that by not talking about anything too serious we're perfect only I don't know if I want this kind of surface only relationship. I like depth. I want it.

[patience]

selfi,

 

have you considered telling him that you need a break from IM, text, email, MSN, etc...and that you prefer phone calls and in person communication?

[selfi]

selfi,

 

have you considered telling him that you need a break from IM, text, email, MSN, etc...and that you prefer phone calls and in person communication?

 

Well. . .now that i think about it, no, i havent. Which i willl do next time he does attempt to contact me via those methods.

 

Very late last night he sent me another text message. We hadent contacted eachother all day. The message read:

"I sense that _ _ _ is awake! And you got through another day of work! Yay! Goodnight : ) "

See just when i was about to go to sleep, somewhat relieved that we didnt contact eachother he had to go and send that message and he gets my feelings running all over again! (Sending eachother goodnight texts is something we did whilst together. )

Still dont quite get if he is doing these things to manipulate me in a way or not.

[patience]

you have to set some boundaries with him, then stick to them...figure out what sort of contact, if any, you are really okay with, and then tell him clearly

 

you don't have to respond to any of his texts, etc if you don't want to...you have no obligation to him

 

sometimes people are really persistent, sometimes people do things out of habit without thinking of how their behavior affects others

 

he may be contacting you so that he feels better, which is selfish

[selfi]

i dont respond to his texts 99% of the time. i want to, but not if he doesnt want to get back with me.

[LiquidCherry]

That's the right attitude! Remain aloof and don't accept any less than what you want.

[selfi]

last night he told me that his voice is retuning and that he would call me today. im not waiting by the phone (...much) but now im unsure what to say/ how to sound??

its been nearly two weeks sinse i last had a phone chat with him and

part of me wants to go with the flow ( ill not deny my feelings meaning ill be all nice and affectionate) and the other part of me wants to take some of the game pointers from this forum and act aloof, busy and neutral.

which route should i take?

 

 

btw he is still confusing me with how he acts. it seems like he still llikes doing stuff for me. small things like searching Ebay for items i might like, and every time he sends me a text, and i chat to him on MSN, he will ask if i "liked the message" he sent me etc etc.

[selfi]

Ex just called and we spoke for two hours on the phone.

 

Apart from telling eachother what we have been up to and making small chit cha about various topics in the conversation the following happened:

 

- He told me he missed me, said it was good to hear my voice etc etc

 

- He cancelled an outing we had planned for Sunday saying he is still too sick to go. However he is going to work on that day so I know he is full of B***S****. I got upset about this over the phone, and he got annoyed saying that it isnt his fault that he is sick, and wants to see me as soon as he is better. I dont know, I want to believe him but I dont for some reason.

 

- He asked me why I dont reply to his text messages.)Ah maybe because you broke up with me wise guy. )

 

At the end of all this I havent come out of it feling better. In fact I feel worse, im starting to realise he is jerking me around. He thinks he can talk to me like nothing ever happened, then when it comes around to me wanting to know something, like whether we are in contact again he gets all weird on me. I also feel like im wasting time and derserve better.

 

One more thing, after writing all this I wat to call him up TONIGHT and tell him how angry I am about this behaviour- How he is confusing me and screwing my feelings up and down. Stop me right now if thats a bad idea though, but I think he should know its not acceptable.

[selfi]

sorry for another update so quickly but i have to share and get insight on this: !

 

i didnt end up calling him. instead he came online and i told him everything thats been annoying the sh!t outta me as of late. most of u will say that ive taken a step back. but i havent! i told him that i dont want rules on how we can contact eachother, and i never want to speak to him again if thats how its going to be. at times i was quite blunt and even a little rude, but it all sort of worked to my advantage. i had reached the end of ,my teather and now he knows it. and it upset him. I could give you the other little details but it doesnt matter...ANYWAY we ended on fairly good terms, and he sent me this email just as he logged off:

 

im sorry if it seems i haven't wanted to talk, i have, its just i havnt known what to do or how to approach it, i just think ive tried my best to help in this situation... but we shall work through this okay, sleep tight rah

 

 

you will always be special to me

 

you will always be my rah

 

and i will alwasy be there for you

 

goodnight precious one

 

And there you go. Thats my "progress" so far. I took a huge chance on addressing these issues as I see most people attempts on these boards go down the toilet. but prehaps mine hasnt been too bad

[LiquidCherry]

You keep putting yourself out on the line for this guy Selfi. Your ex is giving you no concrete signs that he wants to get back together and is instead giving you mixed signals. Because of this you don't know if you should be responsive in hopes of getting back together or if you should remain somewhat detached to protect yourself and your heart. I've told you before that this is so unfair to you! I understand how difficult and confusing he is making things for you and I still stand by my opinion that to do this to someone is cruel.

 

I want to tell you something from my own experience because my boyfriend (or ex ex as someone else here put it) did the same types of things to me when we split up. At first I reacted very much the same way you have been but then I became resentful because he was stringing me along and I didn't want to hurt any longer than I had to. At first though I too was afraid to act aloof because I thought that it would ruin the "hope" his actions were giving me. Then I didn't care anymore, I became cross with him because I was angry he was taking advantage of my feelings for him and I stopped responding to him.

 

Well, you know we did in fact end up getting back together and almost didn't because I was so angry about the way he acted during our separation. Selfi, all the time my ex was giving me "signs" and "hope" he wasn't being serious. He didn't want to get back together with me at the time even though he would say something sweet, use our pet names, etc, etc, etc. He never really gave me a clear explanation as to why he was doing things like this. The best he could say was to not take flirtations seriously and I'm so glad I did not. A lot of people here have said ex's sometimes do things like this because they themselves are trying to move on, are confused, feel guilty, are trying to keep you hanging on in case they change their mind or may not even realize what they are doing because they just don't feel the same way you do. I agree. Before my ex asked for me back we didn't have any contact for 4 or 5 days. No flirtations, no "signs" no nothing and that is the ONLY time he was seriously considering a relationship with me again. It wasn't when he was handing out false hope and I was so afraid of ruining my chances if I didn't respond in just the right way.

 

If your ex ever does consider getting back together with you it WON'T be because you have been and continue to be responsive to his "gestures" thus far. You don't have to allow yourself to go through something like that, looking for hope, grasping for and holding onto dearly any sign of affection. He will let you know IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS if he wants to have a relationship with you. You will NOT be left wondering and you will NOT feel like you are being jerked around.