Am I doing the right thing by taking a step back?

[JGolds29]

Hello everyone. First I want to apologize for the length of this post, and I want to say thank you in advance for any help or advice I get; I sincerely appreciate it. Here is my situation: I am currently in college, and for the majority of this semester I have been extremely busy with work. I haven't had much time to think about dating, let alone getting involved in a relationship. That is until I met a beautiful young woman in one of my classes. We recently started talking and we hit it off right away. In the span of about 3 weeks, we talked pretty much every day, and some of our conversations got really deep. We discussed past personal issues that were quite serious and we also discussed past relationships. It turns out that she has never experienced love, and many of the guys she has had relationships with have treated her poorly. As a result, she has had some self-esteem issues and other personal problems. So basically she has really opened up to me about some personal things, and she feels like she can really trust me (She said she could pretty much trust me from the beginning and that was weird to her because she has trouble trusting guys). She has also been quick to point out that we have a lot of things in common (except for the fact that she is really outgoing, flirtatious, and a partier while I am not so much of any of those things), and we have really enjoyed getting to know each other. She has even said several times that we should hang out, and she was excited about the opportunity to become close with me and to get to know me better. With all of these things being said, I figured that she might be interested in me as more than a friend. However, things changed just a few days ago. We didn't talk for a few days, and after those days of not talking, when we did talk it was awkward. She seemed disinterested in talking to me, and as a result, I asked her about this. She said that things were fine with her, but I didn't really believe it. Not knowing what else to do, I told her that I had feelings for her. She told me that she was very flattered by that, but unfortunately, she has recently (within the last few days) become involved with someone. Her exact words were along the lines of "I wish you would have brought this up sooner because I am kind of involved right now. I plan on settling down and dating one person in the very near future." Unfortunately, that person is not me. She did, however, say that she thinks I am a really cute and great guy, and she would consider dating me if she didn't have someone else right now. I was pretty crushed by this, and all I could say was that I thought it was best if we stopped talking for the immediate future because being friends would be too hard for me. She said that she was sorry to hear that, but I need to do what I have to. I wrote her a nice e-mail telling her that I really think she is a great girl and I care about her as a person, and although it's hard for me to talk to her and be friends with her right now, when my feelings for her do die down, I really want us to be friends again and continue the relationship that we had building. As much as I want to date her and am crushed that I do not have the opportunity to do so right now, I do want us to remain friends when I don't feel so strongly about her. I have already told her that it's too hard for me for us to talk right now so I can't really go back on that so I figure I will wait until my feelings for her die down or go away. Does any think this is the right thing to do (stop talking for the immediate future), or should I continue to talk to her, which would probably be less (in terms of time and content) than before because she is now interested in someone else, and be there for her as a friend? Thanks again, and any help, advice, or similar situations is greatly appreciated.

[DiscipleOfChange]

Well, I'd say that continuing to talk to her as a friend would be the best idea. It'll be hard because you're feelings will be in the process of dying down but I still think that's better than having absolutely no contact whatsoever.

[heloladies21]

No, you're doing the right thing by cutting contact. I see a ton of guys who can never get over some chick who just wants to be friends with them. She's not interested and being her friend certainly won't change her mind. You'll be too frustrated being her friend and your feelings won't die down because you'll be reminded every day of this chick who you want but doesn't want you back. Your time is valuable, spend it on finding a chick who's interested in you just as much as you are in them. You deserve that much.

[Jessica45]

I think you should just cut contact, too, because if you are her friend, it will be harder to get over her. I think that you should just go on and let her approach you if she wants to be friends.

[JGolds29]

For those of you who have respnnded, thank you for your advice. After sleeping on my decision to not talk to her for the time being, I really believe that no contact is the best way to go about this. I think if we continue to talk and remain friends while I have feelings for her then I will only get jealous and upset, and I really don't need that in my life right now. Above everything else (my attraction and feelings for her included), I really think she is a great person and I hope that when my feelings cool down we can work on being friends again. It is tough though because I believe that she does care about me as a person and she wants us to at the very least remain friends. And of course, there is always the thought that things may not work out with the guy she is involved with, which would make me hopeful. But I have to fight those thoughts and just focus on moving on right now. If anyone has any other advice, encouragement, similar stories/experiences, etc., it is greatly appreciated. Thanks again.

[smilie]

I completely understand your decision...it is hard to be just friends with someone you have such strong feelings for..but what if they don't subside for months or maybe even a year? Are you just going to call her up after such a long time and say 'hey, we can be friends now'...A lot of things could change in the time it takes for your feelings to die down and it might be hard getting the friendship back to the way it was after such a long time. I just thought that might be something to think about...

[JGolds29]

smilie, I think that is a very good point. However, I have only known her for a short time so I don't know if my feelings for her are that strong. There was definitely an initial attraction for her on my part based on her physical appearance, and once I got to know her, those feelings intensified. I am not in love with her or anything like that because, like I said, I have only known her for a short time, but I definitely do care about her and think she is an unbelievable person. With all of that being said, I do not know how long it will take me to move on and get over her, and I am taking the risk that I could lose her friendship in the long run. But I think that if we remain friends while I still feel strongly about her, I will harbor some jealously because I can't be with her, and I wouldn't want that to affect the friendship we have/had. I think if these feelings go away (which is certain to happen sometime if we don't talk) then it will be much easier to remain friends and build on the relationship we had before. Lastly, I asked her if she wants to be friends once my feelings die down, and she said that she definitely does. So I hope when I can move on that we can still be friends.

[atraceofblood]

hey, I just want to let you know that I am going through a somewhat similar experience.

 

I met this girl almost a week ago and previously had those infatuated feelings for her for a few weeks prior to meeting. When I met her, I felt like it was the best conversation I have ever had with a girl that I had liked. It was going great until I found out she had a b/f and she's into something that I'm not, and I was devasted when I she told me. But I really wanted to be friends with her if anything, and for some reason I still felt like there was something going on between us.

 

Right now I've decided that I want to be friends with her. My feelings aren't overwhelming as they were last week, but I still have them, and I will put them aside, in case anything ever arises. I understand she has a b/f and will not cross the line, and I'd like to tell her that sometime soon. But like I said, I still feel a heavy attraction to her for some reason, it's not just my liking towards her, it's like something is happening between us, like a spark, but I need to keep that aside since she has a b/f. I believe I can at least try to be friends with her and will definitely look forward to being there for her whenever she wants to talk and giving her whatever space she needs and wants, and of course, I won't do anything that will intrude her relationship. And I want to shift my focus to another girl that I have a slight interest in, and I think that might help me lower my initial feelings for her for the time being.

 

IMO, I think you should try to put your feelings aside by recognizing that you can't have her right now, but only for right now. You mentioned how there may be a chance with her, and I think you should keep that in mind, but don't let it bother you everytime you talk to her. My goal right now is to maintain a stable friendship with this girl, only progressing it if she wants to. I think if you struggle to get over girls like this, then you might be making the right choice by not being friends with her, but I still don't agree with your decision because I believe no matter how much we are into each other or not, that we should at least have a brotherly respect for each other. By that I mean, if you ever see her, I think it would be great if you at least recognized her and said hi and maybe a quick chat, but nothing else if you don't want to. And definitely let her talk to you if she initiates it. But again if you can't handle all of that and since she has agreed to it, then do what you think feels right.

 

Goodluck! I hope things turn out good for you no matter what direction you take!

[JGolds29]

atraceofblood, after reading your post I have had a change of heart, and I thank you very much for your reply. I think I have realized that it has been pretty selfish and stupid of me to risk losing what could become a great friendship because of my feelings for her. I do think it will be hard at first to be friends again, especially if we discuss relationships and stuff along those lines, but I need to suck it up and be there for her as a friend. I'm not going to lie and say that I have given up hope that we might end up together, but that is not my motive for wanting to be friends with her again. I really do think she is a wonderful person, and I feel a whole lot better with her in my life, even if it has to be as a friend. So I am going to try and regain her trust and friendship, and I hope we can continue to build on the relationship we had.

[JGolds29]

As if things weren't complicated enough, I talked to her today and told her that I wanted to be friends again. I basically said that I realized I was being selfish by possibly giving up a friendship because of my feelings and that I promised not to let my feelings for her get in the way of our friendship. I told her that I was going to leave it up to her if she wanted to be friends again and to what extent she wanted us to be friends. She told me that she wanted us to be friends all along (after I had told her how I felt), but she thought I was being kind of ridiculous about the whole situation. I told her that I didn't know what to do because things had gotten a little weird and awkward (it seemed like she didn't want to talk to me certain times while other times we had spent hours talking to each other and getting to know each other) even before I told her how I felt, but that I really wanted things to go back the way they were before I let her know how I felt (with us just talking, joking around, getting to know each other). She told me that was fine. I really don't know though because I don't see how things will go back to normal especially since we haven't had a normal conversation the past few times we have talked. She just seems like she doesn't want to talk to me, at least not very much, anymore, and I am wondering if this has to do with the guy she is involved with or some other factor. I just don't know what to do.

[atraceofblood]

I think she might just be into this other guy and plus you just told her about how you want to be friends with her, so she's probably going through some confusion or something.

 

If you ever feel like your feelings are getting in the way, do what you feel is right, but just don't treat her in the wrong way. I think if you can manage your feelings and focus on other things in life while not getting in her way, you can easily be friends with her, depending on how she handles it of course.

 

I think for me, if I find another girl that I'm interested in, my feelings shift from one girl to the next and it might help me not let my feelings take over whenever I talk to this current girl that I talked about above. Do you have any interest in any other girls? Or do you have any interest in anything else in life that can help you cope with your feelings?

[patience]

she has clearly told you that you are just a friend

 

you're at college, there are plenty of single women there, don't miss out on getting to know other women by focusing so much on a 'friend' who doesn't feel for you what you feel for her

 

you are attracted to her, when you shared that with her, she rejected you as a romantic interest...but she still wants your friendship

 

ask yourself this: if a woman was attracted to you, and you didn't feel the same way, would you really want to be friends with her? or do you think that could possibly mislead her and prevent her from letting go?

 

I think you're original decision to take some space and let your feelings cool down was the smart choice