Why do the ex's come back around outta the blue???

[needhelp112692]

Hey all,

 

It has been some time since I posted here but here is a brief history. My name is Chris I am 30 years old. My ex Chrsitina is 26. We were together for 11 years, engaged, owned a business together, living together and were best friends. She ultimatley left me about 2 years ago because she didnt get to "live her life" and "fell outta love with me". The relationship had alot of ups and downs I was very insecure and controlling. I have since been in counselling to overcome my issues. Christina is a very pretty girl and always got the attention from others(men) and I guess that scared me and I held on very tight.

 

She ended up leaving me 2 weeks before Christmas in 2003 for a guy who was employed by her company. He is much older than me and has kids of his own. She ended up moving him into the place we lived in. I had to deal with many things since the break up. The thought of her kissing another man used to drive me nuts because I was the only one she was ever with at all. Needless to say know she is now living with him has been difficult.

 

She contacted me recently telling me things like she misses me, and still loves me..and knows "she meesed up" by leaving. She is going through alot in her life right now..she left the business she owned with her father who is very controlling and is actually crazy(possibly sexually abused her). So she isn't working, left her dad, and opening admitts to me that she can never picture herslef marrying this guy...says she knows she will never find what we had with him or another.

 

Against the advice from friends and family I pretty much told her if she is willing to make it work I will pay for us to go to counseling and take things very slow and be there for her every step of the way. She said "if he wasn't living here I would want to"....I said "tell him to leave then"....she says " I can't just put him on the street, he has nowhere to go and owes me money".....said if she were living on her own right now she definitely would. I pretty much told her it is an excuse and if she wanted us bad enough she would do what she has to do.......it is very weird in one breathe she will literally be crying saying she misses me and knows it isn't right to keep me hanging like this but on the other hand makes excuses.

 

To sum this up......her and I spent 11 years together since we were 14 & 17 we were together ALL the time..bestfriends.... and when I see where she is right now and the choices she is making it hurts and I want to help her snap out of it........I KNOW it isnt my responsibility and I can't MAKE her do anything...but I see where she is headed and by her own admishion it isn't good.......I ultimately wound up telling her she needs to come back to me with a solid YES or NO with no attatchments and until she does I can't talk to her.....that was yesterday and I haven't heard from her since............questions are.

 

If she has no true intentions of coming back why drag me into this again, when she know how hard it was on me and it nearly was the death of me?

 

If she KNOWS she will never marry this guy why stay with him?

 

Why can't I seem to shake this girl..she is in my EVERY thought for 2 years now(well 13 since I met her)?

 

Is it possible for this relationship to EVER work after all that has gone on?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and sorry for the lenght of the post......PS I am currently dating a girl for a year now but it is more friends with beniffits type thing..due to both of us being outta long relationships.............thanks all.....Chris

[1azmouse]

I think she might be codependent with men. She find security with you because things arent so hot with the other guy. Try not to get involved with her on a girlfriend level for now. Just be her friend and listen. She needs to learn to stand on her own 2 feet not just jump from one man to another. One of my closest friends does that constantly and she keeps hurting her "safety man" when she finds someone else. I am not saying that this is exactly what might happen to you but be careful. You think about her alot because she is practically family she has been in your life for more than half of it. Instead of having a friend with benefits open your heart to a women who will love you, laugh with you and be your partner. As hard as it may be, dont get sucked in to what she is doing wrong with her own life. Its okay to care but she needs to be completely through with him before you can even start making plans to get back together. You do deserve to be happy. Good luck I wish you the best.

[mick8888]

well, i just talked to my ex gf tonight for the first time in ages -- really awful extenuating circumstances (see my last post) ... anyway, i can definitely relate to the idea of not being able to shake the girl -- we broke up around the same time (fall 2003) then went through a year of infrequent hookups until she met some new guy.

 

talking to her just now, it's clear she's very much in love with her new boyfriend, and has closed the book on anything we ever had together ... i would be entirely shocked if ever in the future she contacted me with the same kind of story that your ex contacted you with, and wanted to get back together or whatever.

 

but my only real advice, and i wouldn't call it advice but more commentary, is this: once the spark goes out from one party or the other in the relationship, and once there's been a split and someone has gotten involved with someone else, the chances of things working out a second time around are slim to none. there's just an imbalance of love, trust, respect, etc .... there'll always be some sort of underlying resentment on the part of the person who got hurt the most, and it just doesnt seem like relationships can weather that sorta thing.

 

it's completely mental, i know, but part of me REALLY wants my ex to call me and say that she made a mistake and that she misses me, just so i can somewhat get the power back and be the one to make the decision not to be with her. you know what i mean? i dont want to be in a relationship with her anymore after the way she hurt me, but i do want her to want me ... maybe that's evil, maybe that's ego, maybe that's the fact that i've been lonely for the past 2 years and damn near obsessing over her and not meeting anyone new, while she's found a new love. but i'm just being honest, and i think it's part of human nature. I have felt helpless and out of control because i didnt decide to end the relationship, she did -- maybe you're in the same boat.

 

i guess you just have to be totally honest with yourself and decide if you REALLY want to be back in a relationship with her or not, and if you do, if it's out of true love and not just a sense of longing for something that was good once in the past, or something comfortable. i find myself wishing that things could be like they were 3 years ago when my ex and i were together and in love and had a strong bond, but those days are over and pining for that is just immature and completely unrealistic. it's really sad, and it depresses me every day, but what can i do?

[babycristy456]

After all the things you have gone through in a relationship, as you mentioned, it might be best to not communicate with this girl until she has made her untimate decision. Basically until she calls you saying that the guy who she is living with is out and she is ready for you. But think long and hard if this is the path you want to return to. I think if you really love someone, anything i possible. However, what are the chances that this relationship will be healthy in the future? Ask yourself these questions before listening to your instincts.

[needhelp112692]

I really appreciate all the advise you guys have given...I think I am starting to realize no matter what I do or say I can't help her even though she is going down the wrong road.....I also think due to her messed up childhood she is and always was incapable of loving me the way I loved her......She had it tough...was made to grow up very fast...running a businesss at age 23...putting all her dads assets in her name ..where now he is trying to ruin her financialy.....he possible sexually abused her....her brother tried having sex with her when she was 16.....so I know she has a ton of issues that go way beyond me.......once again my pain is I know there is a good girl in there and the way she is, is due to the way she was raised and wronged..and I would just wish there was something I could say to her to make her realize and get her into counselling.....bt I think for myself I have to ultimately come to grips with the fact that no matter what I do the writing is on the wall for her and her problems can't be mine....I have alot on my own to deal with........just hurts to see a person you love more than anything crumble and be surrounded by people who really don't care for her best interests as I do........................if nothing else I can say time does heal wounds or atleast makes them not sting as bad....I'm sure I'll feel better in a year from today than I do now and the same goes for the years following that........................thanks guys I appreciate the help......................any more info would be appreciated.....Chris

[needhelp112692]

bump

[redandblack]

Watching someone you love fall apart and burn out is really hard. You need to realize it's not your fault and you can't change this person. The moe you try to control it, the more you will think it's your fault and the more she will slide.

 

Live your own life right now. Get things into order. Have fun. Love yourself.

 

In relationships, I believe you actually end up dating yourself and who you are. If you're a strong person, you will be attracted to people who are also strong on the inside. If you're depressed, broken, and can't handle your life, you will probably attract people likewise.

 

Let her go. Let the chips fall where they may. It will help.

 

Take care