trouble trusting him on job site

[Bingo72]

About one year ago my boyfriend, who is an electrician, wired a house for a guy who was building a home. For the first few weeks I would occasionally go to the job site with him. About two months into this job I started to find out things that he hid from be because he didn't feel like 'hurting my feelings' or 'dealing with my being upset'. What I found out is that he once dated the sister of this guys' fiance and didn't tell me. He initially told me they only talked on the phone. A couple of weeks later I caught him in a lie when he accidentally said they had had dinner.

 

Ever since this happened I don't feel like I can trust him. He has always prided himself as being a truthful person because he'd been hurt many times. Now, this may seem like no big deal which maybe it's not, but I feel explosively angry right now because this guy just called him and wants him to wire another home he is building. Which means it's like last year is happening all over again.

 

 

I feel so hurt just remembering all this. It caused him and I to have a massive fight and it's taken me a long time to understand why he didn't tell me and I now believe that he didn't tell me all this because he was exactly right; I would be angry and hurt.

 

What he doesn't understand is that he lied. Period. So what if I was going to be mad? I had spent two months hanging around this girl and had no idea that the two of them already had a history together. That is what burns me the most here. I feel like now he won't tell me basic things like this, like he had already known this girl a couple of years prior all because he was afraid of how I'd react. He doesn't realize the distrust this caused all because he kept from me something like this. On it's own it would have meant nothing to me. But because he handled it this way and I found out the way I did that broke my trust somehow. I feel like he was cowardly

 

Now what? I don't want to go through all this again, a year later, wondering if she's going to be around like before. I can't go with him to the jobsite like before but yet I feel like I have to be there. I hate that he's put me in this position, again.

[kellbell]

To put it very simply, when you don't have trust in a relationship, you've got nothing. Either you talk to him about your concerns (but I have a feeling that may not be enough for you) or kick him the curb. I know, I know you love him, you had a lot of great times, and the like so you don't want to give up that easily but if you can never fully trust him, then you are going to be miserable and the good times between you 2 will be very few and far between. Good luck in what ever you decide and wishing you all the best.

[Bethany]

Seems to me that you only got angry and hurt because he DIDN'T tell you. Tell him not to jump to conclusions again and make decisions like that behind your back. Your a big girl and can handle the truth but what you cant handle is a lie. Keeping things from you, in my opinion, especially something like, that IS A LIE.

I am not a jealous person by nature but it would have made me angry and hurt too to think that you had spent time with this girl and he never told you. That was the wrong thing to do and he should have felt guilty about it. If he didnt feel gulity then dump him, he seems able to keep stuff like that to himself for a quiet life. You reacted in a normal way to a shock and hurt feelings.

Think long and hard if this man is a liar, and if he is, can you really trust him again?

[Bingo72]

I feel like I am being a bit over-reactive here because the girl, I think, has married her boyfriend since then but I feel inferior to her now. I think to myself, "what was so special about her that made him want to keep things a secret?"

 

 

Was there more to the story that he doesn't want me to know? I don't want him to know this is bothering me, I am better than this, being jealous and the like...........

[kellbell]

Girl I feel you. I dated this guy I was totally crazy about, great chemistry, really nice guy, bought a house, co-owns his business with his dad, been in the military, etc. Turned out he was still in kahoots with this chick he dated years ago while in school but tried to get back with after he came back from the Navy. Turned out he was in weekly contact with her, called her the day we were intoduced by mutual friends. He lied to me about when she called and such and even went to MA to go out to lunch with her so he can give her Christmas present!! This girl wanted nothing to do with him in that way anymore. That's why our mutual friends hooked us up. I was so devestated, embarssed, and could never trust him again! Needless to say, I left him, no explaination, I felt I owed him nothing. I was completely honest with him and he wanted to tango with some chick that didn't give a crap about him. Plus, I don't know why he lied because he never put me on that level (i.e. told me he loved me, called me his girlfriend) so there was no reason to lie plus I knew about her. It made no sense to me. I moved on shortly after that fiasco. So it may have to be that way for you. I hope things get better, I totally know how you feel at this moment. Hugs to you.

[DN]

I feel like I am being a bit over-reactive here because the girl, I think, has married her boyfriend since then but I feel inferior to her now. I think to myself, "what was so special about her that made him want to keep things a secret?"

 

 

Was there more to the story that he doesn't want me to know? I don't want him to know this is bothering me, I am better than this, being jealous and the like...........

 

I think you are over-reacting particularly since the girl in question is now married. If you have reacted in this jealous way in the past that probably explains why he did not tell you. To him this is a job - money in the bank. To expect him to turn it down, especially since it is for a friend, is unreasonable and could possibly damage him professionally.

 

If you have reason to distrust him because he cheated on you that is one thing. But to assume he is cheating with an ex-girlfriend is something else.

 

Time to analyse why you react like this.

[Bingo72]

I totally admit that the way I handled this was the start of the whole problem, but like I always hear people say, "If they cheat once, they'll cheat again." So what's the difference in saying "if they lie once, they'll do it again?"

 

The worst part of this is that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to deal with whatever reaction I would've had. That's the part I have never gotten over. Had he given me the chance it never would have escalated to this.

 

He wants me to keep him company and go to the job site since it is just a weekend thing and that's what I've always done. I always go to these things with him but I feel like I should not go even though he's asked me to just to prove to him that I trust him and it won't consume me like it did before.

[DN]

Let this go and relax. You are over-thinking it.

 

Assume that he did what he did because he didn't want to cause you worry or concern. Assume that was done for a good motivation and not bad. Tell him you can deal with this sort of stuff (but make sure that you really can) and that you would prefer that he tell you if similar things crop up again and then - - - let it go.

 

Go with him to the job site, have fun and never, ever, mention this whole thing again. Even to yourself.