He cheated and I can't stop thinking of the other woman

[kyky]

Okay so here's my story

I found out last December that my live in boyfriend of 2 years had been cheating with his best girl friend. I had suspected the 2 of them were having an affair (read emails from her saying she had feelings for him) but I finally had my proof. The 2 of them got into a fight and her roomate told me she had something I needed to hear and a few minutes later I was walking down the street with my boyfriend and he was telling me that they had slept together a few times and that he still loved me and it was over with her.

I was shattered but told him after lots of thinking that I still wanted this to work so we started trying but I kept wanting to know things. Things that hurt me so deeply like why it happened, where, how, I even wanted to know serious details about the act itself (I would not recommend asking for all the details)

We have since moved away from the town we lived in were this all happened to have a fresh start but I can't seem to let go. I have forgiven him but I can't forget bout him touching her and the pain that their little affair put me through, I have a real hard time not throwing it in his face almost a yeaar later.

I wrote her a letter telling her how she made me feel and how I hope she never has someone do to her what she has done to me. I thought that would give me closure but nope I still wanna rip her hair out and smash out her teeth.

I can't stop thinking of the other woman. She lives 9 hours from here and I feel like somehow she's going to come here and do the same thing over to me

I have her on a fake MSN messanger that I made ( I know weird huh?) It doesn't say my name or anything and I haven't really spoke to her much on there I just wanna know what she's doing just this weekend her messanger said she was only an hour away from here, I was going to lose my mind, I thought.

Yesterday I told him that I had seen picturres of her on the internet and that she was prettier now (how screwed up is that) Then he went in and deleted my Hi5 acount so I couldn't look at it anymore. My boyfriend has no idea how crazy obsesssed with this I really am but I don't even know why I am doing this

Please someone help me

[STARSHINE42]

Hey Kyky,

 

I have had been in two long term relationships. Both over 3 years. I know how hard it can be to break up with someone. And start over. But that is what you need to do.

If he got really drunk one night and had sex with someone else, and told you the next day...then..maybe try to work things out.

The truth is he was just cheating on you numerous times. He was lying to you as well. Every time he was with this girl he told you a lie. AND he didn't even come clean until he was busted.

Do yourself a favor and get out of this relationship NOW. He is the one you should be mad at not her. He is the one that did it. And I'm sure he will do it again. You don't want to be with someone like that.

Best of luck.

[Sara_M]

Kyky,

 

I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. I've been in your shoes and I also made him tell me every single detail, as painful as it was -- there must be a psychological reason for this, but I also couldn't let it go.

 

I think the reason you're "obsessing" about it is because you can't understand WHY it happened. Somewhere inside you know there IS a reason. You're unable to let it go because of the fear it could happen again and you'd be just as clueless as you were then.

 

He has to be honest with you about what he may not have been getting from your relationship. Understanding that he was sorry for his actions and forgiving him is only one part of the equation. But getting to the heart of the matter, what was going on in your relationship at the time of his infidelity. Painful as that kind of conversation may be, that's the only thing that will help you let this thing go. The truth will set you free...

 

Best wishes,

Sara_M

[kyky]

Truth is I moved away to start something new and since we've been here everything is going really really well

He doesn't hang out with any grls at all here and in the last town it was quite the opposite all girls I was never asked to go so I was left at home crying my face off knowing that she was trying to take him from me

I know I should be mad at him and believe me I was and sometimes i still get really upset with him for hurting me he swears he won't do it again. I think alot of the reason why I obsess about her stems from the things that she did to me

She told me over and over again they were just friends, I told him it was either her or me in October which was around the time of the affair ( it was around the time I read the emails to him saying she loved him and he was the only person that made her feel like her life was worth living-she was very suicidal back then ) Anyway he choose me but she wrote me a letter on the day of my ucle's funeral saying that she just wanted him to be her friend and being that it was a really rough time for me I said you know life is too short I'm sorry I accused you of trying to take my man .

[Vert]

First of all, infidelity in a dating/courting relationship should never be excused in any circumstances (ie "he/she was drunk and they accidentally slept with someone else"). IMO being drunk and sleeping around is NOT something you had no control over... If you've ever been drunk then you know you still have total sense of what you're doing. Even so, why put yourself in that place? Respect your sig other.

 

Anyway, with that said, I think you do need to get out of this. While you are with him it just reminds you of the other girl daily and to truly heal you need to get out. If anyone ever cheated on me in any relationship (even marriage) that would be it for me. If it was a dating/courting relationship then it would be over immediately, no questions asked. Once someone does that to you they will most likely do it again, and by staying with them you are losing all of your self-respect and going through extremely painful memories as you are now. I echo the others' sentiments though -- get out now.

[yeawutever]

Yet once a cheater, always a cheater. Cheat once and it will always stay in ur memory, u'll always get remined of it.

[kyky]

So there is nobody here that thinks he can change?

I think he realized what he could lose last Christmas

I have heard the line once a cheater always a cheater several times since I decided to forgive him myself and the other woman but I have decided to try and make this thing work

We have stayed together this past year knowing that he has betrayed my trust and he lives with my constant mistrust

If he was going to do it again would he sit and listen to me cry and bring it up every other day if he was gonna do it again?

Would you ?

I have been the other woman before in a previous relationship so maybe god is punishing me for what I have done there

Do you think that is what's going on there?

I just need to figure out how to not put so much of my time and effort into finding her seeing how she's doing.

I think it would have been easier if she had not tried to pretend that she was a friend or heck if I had never met her (cause she isn't very attractive)

As for what I wrote about earlier and her being suicidal I don't believe that she was I feel she was an attention getter that he felt sorry for her after speaking with the both of them

She used my personal tragedy to gain my trust so that she could try and sleep with him

Maybe I'll end up wishing ill things on her for the rest of my life but I hope not

I want some help and it would be nice to hear that someone in the world knows how to deal with what I am going through

[RandomAdvisor]

I also think you should leave him. Getting drunk and sleeping with someone else once is one thing, but carrying on a full blown affair is another. He has proven to you that he is selfish and not to be trusted. It will likely be a very, very long time before you get over this previous incident, if at all. And when you do, that's probably right around the same time you catch him cheating again.

[Sara_M]

I don't believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy.

 

People can change, but only if THEY want to change. The first step to change is understanding WHY you've done something. That's why we study history -- so that we can learn from it. If we don't understand our history, we're doomed to repeat it.

 

I believe you can honestly forgive infidelity and move on to have a stronger relationship. I also believe you can cheat on someone (a very selfish act) and come to the realization that it didn't solve the problem that lead you to do it in the first place. You can emerge a wiser person. Though, it's true not everyone learns from their past experiences. Remember, there are no sinners without a future and no saints without a past!

 

Can you honestly understand why he cheated on you? Or are you blaming it all on this other woman? IMO, that's not dealing with the "real" issue -- which lies squarely between you and your boyfriend. In other words: Focusing on her only deflects from the real problem. IN this way you'll never get to the root of the problem.

[BillyJean714]

KyKy, the only person who will change is you. Right now, you're just in this zone where you think, "OMG, I would give the world to have this relationship work out." Reality- you will continually resent him, no matter what. About his best female friend, she better lay it off on contacting him. She's already slept with him. Hey, maybe the do both deserve each other!

 

Anyway, my point is, you will grow tired of him. Ever heard of stories where people who get cheated on, leave their partners, and then find somone new and better? The person who gets dumped, who cheated, feel like their partners left them because the dumper cheated on them by moving on. It's this double-standard complex that they really need to get over. Let me tell you something, I think it's highly probable that you will get sick and tired of feeling resentful, and you will eventually leave him someday, only to find a new guy who treats you better.

 

I notice how human behavior is. I've also been through it myself. I really tried to stop resenting the ex for cheating, but it's really something that's not easy to get over. In fact, staying in a relationship like that is quite unhealthy! Besides, you guys are still in the "dating", not married, not engaged- phase. Think about how he would be as a marriage partner. I doubt you can really ever get over this and trust him. So my answer: the only person who will change is you. At this point, you're just blinded by love, but you will change for the best- you will change and find strength to leave him. I promise!

[kyky]

The only reasons he had were about her he really didn't have much to say about anything i did wrong or didn't do so I have no idea what to do with your comment when I asked why he said he made a mistake we were fighting at the time and I was trying to get him to stop seeing her as I said I read an email stating she was in love with him I was so lucky he was all she could dream of having

He told me that when they were together she told him if she didn't have him she didn't want to live anymore and when she was crying he hugged her

told her everything was going to be alright the could stay friends then she kissed him told him that she loved him and proceeded to get on top of him

she later tod him that since they had done it that time she was going to tell me and I would never forgive him and that's how it started he said he really doesn't know why it continued

Maybe it was because I am overweight I don't know

she was going to move him into her house and everything else only

I broke up with him and he realized what he was losing

I don't know why I harbor such hate towards her but I do and I don't want to anymore

Help

 

[yeawutever]

Kyke, ok im gonna say this for the last time, so listen up ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U DECIDE TO STAY WITH HIM AND FORGIVE HIM, NO MATTER HOW U AND HIM WORK IT OUT, U'LL ALWAYS BE REMINDED OF WUT BE DID, IT'LL NEVER BE THE SAME AS BEFORE. IT'LL NEVER BE GROUND ZERO AGAIN. U'LL NO LONGER THINK THAT HE'S INCABABLE OF DOING THAT, U'LL ALWAYS WONDER WHEN HE''S NOT WITH U OR WHEN'S LATE. WON'T THAT DRIVE U NUTS?

[yeawutever]

And another thing, ur wasting ur time and his time crying. I wouldn't cry, i would say bye.

[kyky]

we are engaged, living together

Planning to get married may 2007

So I need to work on this

that is why I'm here

[yeawutever]

Ok u insists ons till working it out, ok fine. Have u thought of counseling?

[BillyJean714]

KyKy, he is NOT a helpless victim.

he said he really doesn't know why it continued

-Bull. THat's just what he says. You have no clues, no track records as to what he REALLY told her. In this case, he is guilty until proven innocent- It takes two to tango. For some reason, I don't see her as professing her undying love to him wihtout any exhange of romantic words on his part. I'm sure that something that he said or did, served as a catalyst to ignite her spark. She couldn't have been like, "I love you so much that I would die for you" out of nowhere (without him putting in some kind of effort on his part). Otherwise, if he really had no clue that she felt that way, if he didn't feel the same for her, he would've told her to BACK OFF. But, he didn't. What did he do? He:

 

A. Lied

B. Cheated

C. Gave excuses

 

You and I know that as women, we hardly buy into excuses. When our mind's set on something, it's permanant and will rarely change. What's the cause for this?- Intuition. We all have it, so utilize it! When someone lies and tells you a b.s. excuse, you know it's just an excuse.

 

When it comes to dealing with relationships, you need to put your foot down and be firm about certain things- not being mistreated. Don't allow yourself to be knocked around. Once your partner feels as though they can push you around, they will step on you and take advantage, because they see it as a weekness. You need to put your foot down and say, "Look, I'm not afraid to stand alone. I'm not afriad to be alone. So take it or leave it, because I won't put up with your crap!" I like what Ailec said, "I would say bye." Say good-bye. Dating is just a trial/testimonial to see whether or not, we trust our partners enough for us to consider marriage. In my eyes, if my partner screws up and cheats, I would be like "You had your chance. You screwed up. Out the door you GO, beatch!" P.S.- Just have faith in "what goes around, comes around." If she's being a desperate, 2-faced ho, she'll get her payback, someday, somehow!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

When it comes to dealing with relationships, you need to put your foot down and be firm about certain things- not being mistreated. Don't allow yourself to be knocked around. Once your partner feels as though they can push you around, they will step on you and take advantage, because they see it as a weekness. You need to put your foot down and say, "Look, I'm not afraid to stand alone. I'm not afriad to be alone. So take it or leave it, because I won't put up with your crap!"

 

From a male's perspective, and more importantly a former manipulator's perspective, BillyJean is 100% right on the make with this statement. From everything I've heard, it sounds like he's using the fact that you want desperately to make this work against you. Don't be fooled, like BillyJean said, it takes 2 to tango. Even if she was the one to come onto him first it was his CHOICE to continue.

 

Don't be fooled, you deserve so much better than to be disrespected, lied to and treated this way. If he was to completely open up and tell you the truth, I'd say he might deserve a second chance. Since it's obvious that he didn't tell the complete truth, I'd say do yourself a favor and leave while you can. If he really cared about your relationship he wouldn't have given you an excuse that puts all the blame on her. He was there too.. I seriously doubt she raped him...

[Sara_M]

Yes, as a matter of fact, I have been cheated on. My husband cheated on me and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I chose to forgive him and stay and work things out. It was far from easy.

 

Maybe my situation was different because he told me about it because he said he felt guilty and we'd always promised to be honest with one another. Also, because it was a one nighter (as opposed to a full blown affair where he'd lied to me repeatedly to keep it hidden). So you have the added pain of knowing he slept with someone else AND is capable of lying to you.

 

Anyway, I'm not naive, I realize that most relationships could not survive this. But there are some that have. In fact, a very good friend of mine who says they are happier and closer than they ever were before the affair.

 

I think that people who don't understand WHY they cheat, will lie and cheat again. But I believe that people can evolve and grow... if they choose to. With self-understanding, evolution is possible. The odds may be against it. And that is where none of us here can help you, Kyky, because none of us knows your boyfriend as you do. At most, we can only generalize and give advice based on our own painful experiences.

 

We may have done things as children that we'd never do as adults because now we understand the full repercussions of certain actions. Isn't there anyone here who's ever done something they later regretted because of the pain it caused. Wouldn't you be able to say with confidence you'd never do that thing again?

[yeawutever]

Monettsesa, one night stand or not, the point is he cheated and he doesn't deserve to be with a nice girl like her. Why not he be with the other girl if he seem to be enjoying when he cheated. He certainly didn't feel guilty in that moment or when he knew it was baout to happen.

[MissJones]

The reason he did this is simply because he is unfaithful. Not for any other reason than that. If you'd never met him and he had another girlfriend instead of you, he would have done the same thing to her, with the same person. Don't, for one second, think that it has anything to do with you.

 

I'm not one of these people that believe a relationship is necessarily made stronger because of cheating. I've seen it happen to a few people, including myself, and the trust is never regained.

 

I got back a few times with an ex who cheated on me more than once. Getting back with him was the worst thing I did. Each time we got back together simply allowed him to think everything was ok. It wasn't. I eventually left him because I refused to put up with his sh1t any longer.

 

Not all guys cheat (despite what we like to think when we're angry), just like all girls don't cheat. Everyone out there likes to think negatively of the opposite sex. I can honestly say that I have never cheated (even when opportunity has presented itself) and never wil because it goes against my principles and against everything I believe in. It's happened to me a couple of times and I couldn't put that kind of pain onto someone else. If I can think this way, imagine how many guys out there think this way too? They're out there waiting to meet a girl like you

[Vanilla]

kyky,

 

you seem to be in full denial in my opinion and just holding on to any hope just to keep him close.

 

I have never been cheated on in a serious relationship- however I have seen my father and brother cheat first hand.

 

theyre all fake tears, fake promises.

 

maybe he wont do it ever again, maybe he will- point is you will never ever know what he'll do.

 

relationships are all about trust and honesty. if that is missing, all it will become is hell and paranoia.

 

it i sup to you to decide if that is what you want to live in...unless of coarse, you can FULLY trust him again.

 

Good luck.

[FATKID]

Personally, I think cheating on someone is the most abhorrent thing one can do in a relationship. Trust is the most beautiful thing in the world. It is one of the easiest things to get, but the hardest thing to earn back when lost. Shattered trust, when put back together, will always be weak at the seams.

 

While I do think that cheating in any form is a deal breaker in ANY relationship, it probably should be addressed in a marital relationship. If it can be worked through, great, if not, one must do their best to move on. But, if this jerk is just your boyfriend, I urge you move on. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated and, most importantly, someone who will treat you with the respect you treat them with. Mutual trust and respect is the foundation of any successful and mutually beneficial relationship. Crack that foundation, and the structure will likely topple over.

 

He cracked that foundation. You should look to rebuild that foundation with someone else.

 

Someone mentioned that cheating in a one-night-stand situation is more understandable. I would have to agree with this assertion. One F-up is much easier to understand than someone living a completely different life on the side with someone else. Deliberate manipulation is involved. Cheating is wrong, no doubt about it. But planning these encounters, time after time, should be unforgivable in your situation. This guy actually put thought and effort into this. Think about that. It wasn't random. It wasn't a "mistake". He spent a long time thinking about how he could get what he wanted from her and how he could hide it from you.

 

This should be a wake up call. This is going to be hard to get over and, as said before, you may never completely get over it. Use this. Use this situation as a learning experience to better yourself. Use it to reinforce in your mind what you deserve from a relationship. Better yourself with it. And, when you are ready, share the new you with someone who deserves someone like you.

 

Good day and good luck.

 

I hope you get through this and get what you deserve.

[BillyJean714]

I agree. To add to that, since this gal was his female bestfriend and they did sleep together, did they have sex together for just that one night? Or, did it happen on other occcassions and he didn't happen to tell you? If a person lies once, they can consistently do it again in every possible way, if they want to.

 

Like Fatkid mentioned, once someone causes us to mistrust them, it's really hard to rebuild that trust. In fact, it's also hard to look into that person's eyes and really EVER respect them again. Since you guys are not even married yet, and this person can't seem to hold back from temptation, think about how it would be when you guys are married. Are you always going to feel as though you're going to have to be on a constant lookout? More likely than not, since SHE is his BESTfriend, that means that she will stick around. Can you live with the thoughts of the affair, and still be able to trust that it won't happen again? Is it possible that he's not also feeding her the attention that she craves? Can you trust that she won't seduce him once more? Can you trust the fact that if and when she seduces him, he will be strong enough to not cheat again?

 

Since they are bestfriends and ended up sleeping together, I'm sure that there is a deeper level of affection that's probably not as apparent- either on his part, hers, or both. Love triangle relationships are the worst. I imagine how tough it is for the genuinely honest bystander. Another thing, since you're supposed to be HIS bestfriend, do you feel like he respects you as a bestfriend and treats you better than her? The way he should treat you should be even better than how he treats his other close buddies. Ultimately- his partner for life is his #1 Bestfriend, so ask yoursefl if you feel like he treats you like you are his number one and if you treat him the same, vice versa. If it's not mutual, then it's not good. So far, it seems like you do, since you gave him another chance. I wonder if he would give you a chance if he were in your shoes?

 

Marriage is a huge step. If this person has to lie, I wouldn't consider that person a life partner. Just wanted to share that with you, because this is a major life decision that will affect ALL other aspects of your life, such as your (future) children, self-esteem, career, financial state- everything. I hope you make the BEST decision and good luck with whatever path you decide KyKy!

[kyky]

I was just checking to see what everyone had wriitten since the last time I had been on here

It really shocks me to see how there are so many ppl that feel for the cheater that has posted on here that they hope he can work things out I tell you my boyfriend cheats on me and there is no possible way that he learned from his mistake. What's that about I understand alot of you people have been hurt or cheated on by the men in your life and I know first hand just how painful it is but my problem isn't with my boyfriend It is about the hard feelings I have toward his exfriend. I am very angry with her I hate her because of the way she manipulated me.

I have written things that she had done like the time I made him choose her or me and he did choose me by the way and she came up with a plan to use the death of my wonderful uncle ( a time I couldn't even think straight) to allow the two of them to be Friends

Since writing this on here I have spoken to my boyfriend and he seriously says that the few times they were together he slept with her because he wanted her to not run her car off a bridge he wanted her to not feel like everyone thought she was a fat pig and all those sorts of things.

He doesn't feel like it wasa good reason anymore but at that time he says it wasthe reason he did what he did and he stoppped it from happening anymore oncehe realized exactly what he was doing.

he says being young wasn't an excuse but he's grow up alot since lst year

The two of us having been going to a marrige programat a local church here and building our life together starting to repair our foundation

I just wanted you all to know that I plan to make my relationship work and I thank you for your advice on relationship advice if anyone has any idea as to how I can stop wanting to punch out the girl Please feel free to leave me that advice.

[FATKID]

I have NEVER understood why people get more angry at the other person than they do at their boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever who DIRECTLY BETRAYED them.

 

If you have forgiven that scumbag, then forgiving her should ge VERY easy.