need advise on staying or leaving a broken relationship

[eimono]

Hi all,

 

I'm back writing again because I need more advice. As some of you already know my (ex)GF moved out on Saturday. It has totally devastated me and I'm trying to work through my issues on all this. Been reading a lot on here, and have a visit to a consoler this afternoon about my issues.

 

Where I need some advice is what I should do about my GF. Looking back through the forums, I found where I posted 5 months ago about issues she has with the death of her mother. This was causing problems back then and I was afraid it would end the relationship. As time went on, I guess I made her problems my own and blamed myself for the relationship failing.

 

May have never saw that if it wasn't for the old post(s). Anyway, here are some things that she has that I know need to be fixed:

 

1) She has no tolerance for things, one mistaken word and she gets mad.

 

 

2) She has a control issue, I'm guessing since she doesn't want to get hurt again. She was in an abusive marriage before too. By controlling I say this because she interrupts me when we try to talk about things. Then she moves to raising her voice to the point of yelling. And if I try to walk away she says "Don't you walk away from me I'm not done" then gets in my face.

 

3) I think she feels as a victim all the time. If she even thinks I'm saying something that may hurt her, she lashes out and ties to hurt me. And all to often it wasn't meant to hurt her or be mean she just thought it was.

 

4) It seems that unless she feels I'm doing what she expects, she doesn't seem to put an effort into us/me. Haven't figured that one out just yet and it may be wrong..

 

Now that's the stuff that I see is being very wrong. Now the stuff that I think may be worth the effort.

 

1) We have a lot of common interests, more then I've found with anyone else.

 

2) We have very similar religious beliefs

 

3) I consider us to be an intellectual equal and can have good stimulating conversations with her

 

4) We can relate to many things in our pasts since we both shared a very similar bad past. (Except I didn't lose my mother)

 

I never found anyone else like her before. That is one of the reasons I became so in love with her. However, her (and mine) issues have kept us from having a really great relationship.

 

Do you think that her issues could be solved?

How much time should I give her?

Is there too many things wrong now, should I just walk away?

How could I tell what her level of commitment to us is?

What should I ask (maybe demand) she do before we continue?

 

 

Thank you all for your advice. This has been so hard on me and I have been so blinded by love that I didn't see how bad things had gotten.

[RandomAdvisor]

I just read some of your previous posts. Your EX was abusive. Forget about her. You can definitly do better. Don't settle for someone you have a lot in common with but is incapable of controlling their emotions.

[shes2smart]

I've looked over some of your other posts about this relationship, and I have to tell you it certainly doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me.

 

No matter what issues are present in anyone's life, they can be overcome and all of us have the potential to be whole, sane, balanced & healthy. However, each of us has free will and we can also choose to stay where we are and continue to make poor choices. Becoming a reasonably mentally/emotionally healthy individual is key to being able to create a healthy relationship with another person. We attract who we are....so if we are a few bubbles off plumb, we're gonna attract someone else who's got some baggage.

 

It's not easy to do the work of unpacking our baggage and leaving the destructive stuff behind. The rewards of doing so are greater than the pain of it, but most people will fear the pain too much to ever get started, let alone finish and learn to travel light. No one can make the decision to alter our attitudes and behaviors for us, and we cannot make that choice for another person...each of us can only make it for ourselves.

 

My suggestion to you is to let your ex go and focus on getting yourself together. I realize part of you believes there's no one better out there, but I think everyone feels that in the immediate aftermath of a break-up. The vast majority of the time that feeling that "there's no one better" simply isn't true, but you don't get to find that out until later...sometimes months later, sometimes years later....

 

The last bf I was with before I met my husband -- oh, I was a wreck when I caught my ex-bf cheating...even so, I was so convinced there was no one better, no one who could be a better match for me. Then I met my husband. We've been married for a little over 3 years now, and when I think back to that last bf I had before I met my husband...now I wonder what I ever saw in my ex bf. He was not the great match for me that I thought he was at the time.

 

Endings are hard and break-ups plain out suck. But endings are a part of life...and from endings come new beginnings. If you take this time to focus on YOURSELF....your beliefs and ideas about relationships, why and how you wound up in a dysfunctional relationship, how you contributed to the dysfunction (because it is never 100% one person's fault), why you put up with the dysfunction, and how you can learn from this and create something healthier, more loving, and more supportive next time then I think you really will end up happier, healthier and in a better place in the long run.

[eimono]

shes2smart,

 

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I really think you have a lot of truth that I'm going to take to heart.

 

 

I've started to fix myself, been to a therapist twice now and have a weekly visist scheduled. I'm reading tons on these forums and have two books about relationships and boundaries. Which I let my boundary of what I would allow be moved, I see that now. And I'm trying to deal with having a codepentancy problem that made me refuse to have her leave me.

 

Do you think there is any chance that if I give her time and space that things could turn out like they did for Hope in this post?

 

link removed

 

I know I need time, and I know she does too. I'm thinking we both lost who we really are and tried to be someone else. She has other issues and I know that is going to take HER wanting to fix them on her own. So if I don't put pressure on her and make her stay maybe things could get better?

 

My therapist said it would be best for me to let her go and work on me. My one remaining friend said maybe I should too. While I am going to do what it takes for me, I just don't want to give up on her. Deep down there is the good person I love, just has a lot of layers that need to get help first.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

[shes2smart]

Well, I've never been one to get back together with an ex...once I'm done, I'm done and (with one exception) the ex is no longer a part of my life ever again.

 

Deep down there is the good person I love, just has a lot of layers that need to get help first.

 

In your opinion she needs help, however that makes no difference. If she is content with the way she is and/or too afraid or too lazy to make any changes, she won't. And it is her absolute right to do so. Even if she would undertake dealing with the issues she has, there is no guarantee that the more emotionally healthy version of her would be compatible with an emotionally healthier you.

 

There comes a point where, deep down, you KNOW that you've done everything in your power to make a relationship work and it's still not working. At that point, the kindest, most caring thing we can do for ourselves and the other person is to end the relationship, release each other and move on. Some people will never be able to be together in a healthy fashion no matter what kind of effort they make....but each is capable of being healthy independently of the other.

 

Understand if you choose to wait around for her, you'll be waiting for something that may NEVER happen. Understand that time only goes in one direction, and once it's gone you will NEVER get it back. Waiting for someone is a romantic notion that needs to be tempered with a solid dose of reality, otherwise years will go sliding by and you'll be in the same situation: still unhappy, still not in a solid, healthy relationship, still waiting.

 

Choosing NOT to wait for her, choosing to address your own issues and get on with your life (including building a healthy relationship with a partner who is capable of it) is not giving up on her --- it is taking care of YOURSELF.

[eimono]

It had to happen,

 

Last night I had to give her some mail from the hospital that was marked important... that and a few other things.

 

So last night, for the for the first time since sunday I talked to her. We talked for about an hour. She seemed so different last night, I didn't seem to know here anymore. She cut/changed her hair. She looked like she was doing well too.

 

I know, my therapist told me not to explain myself and just cut things off. That it would be better for me and help me heal my problems. But I just couldn't do that. I needed to let her know why I couldn't see her. I just cannot stand being anything but completely honest.

 

So I told her I was getting help, that I had to take care of myself and I didn't know how I felt about us anymore. She said that was okay. She said if I wanted to break it off, just be friends, or start over and work slowly it was my call.

 

She said that she had always wanted to work on us and what were were doing (living together and fighting) was not working. She left because she had lost herself and we were beating a dead horse.

 

She said she still loved me, and I asked are you still in love with me. I had to explain that was different from just loving someone. I told her to think about it and didn't need an answer. But she said right away she knew it and her answer wouldn't change. But she never gave it to me, and I didn't really want to know right then. She asked me back and I said I didn't want to answer that right now but I did know how I felt.

 

I wanted so much to just ask her if she was going to go get help for herself but I knew that wouldn't be a good thing so I didn't. At one point I asked her what she was going to do to "take care of herself." She said that she was going to start doing things that she stopped and had liked, try to find out who she really was, and face some issues she had. I asked like what, she said about her mother's death. I didn't ask any further, but I know that she needs help with that and she is going to have to seek it on her own free will.

 

About an 1 to 1.5 hours she said I can't keep thinking about this right now. I said I should leave, she said no I just need to do something else it's too painful right now. I said I just need to go. So she said well if you want to see me you know where I'm at. I said I don't want that responsibility right now. And furthermore, I'm going to be very busy next week packing, cleaning, and moving into my house. She did offer to help me move but I said I'll be fine. She said if you need or want my help "I want to help you." So then I told her I have to go, you know where I'm going to be so if you want to talk or see me you can stop by.

 

And I walked out the door, she said she had missed me and I replied I had missed her to and we said good-night.

 

It could have been worse, it could have been better. I'm just so confused right now about how I feel and what to do about us.

 

Since I stopped by last night, I feel strongly that she needs to stop by and see me on her own. She moved out for her space and finding herself. I feel if she wants to really work on us that I need to feel that. So right now I won't go see her and wait for her to see me. Is that a good idea?

 

I'm still working on me through all this. I've been to the therapist twice now and have a weekly visit scheduled. And I've been reading boundary and relationship books.

 

What else should I do?

[Jdoccan]

Let me preface this with a great big, "I'm not an expert."

 

That being said, let me post some thoughts for you to consider.

 

-The difference between your 10/18 and 10/21 posts are awesome. In the first message, you spoke almost exclusively about her. In the latter message you talked about the things you were doing for yourself to overcome this dark time. Good for you!

 

-One definition of insanity is doing the same old thing over and over and expecting different results. Do you think this applies to your situation? Your call.

 

-You mentioned that you wanted to ask her if she was going to get help. The fact that you didn't speaks volumes. Are you afraid to express your suggestions to her? If so, that problem only gets worse (speaking from experience here).

 

-The fact that you are posting your feelings/thoughts on this site is great. Do not sit at home all of the time with the blinds closed. If you have to, do this for a time, but get out and engage life with others as soon as you can. Remember, life is not a dress rehearsal.

 

-We are all the product of our experiences, thoughts, genetics... The good news is, we can change our thoughts; thereforeeee, we can, in time, change our realities (see quote at the end of shes2smart's posts). Unfortunately, we can only change our subjective selves, we cannot change another (nor should we want to). So, if both sides aren't willing to do the hard work, the situation is beyond our control. Her reality is her reality and yours is yours exclusively. Neither reality is right or wrong, they are just different. All we can do is learn and grow from the experiences life presents to us. You sound like you are doing a great job! Keep going!

 

-No one knows what is in store for you as a couple down the road. Odds are though, if you go back and nothing has changed, nothing will change. Regardless of the outcome, you will be more prepared for "the right one" when you come through the hard time. Look forward to this! Your hard work will pay off.

 

I hope something here helps you and wish you all the best.

[pilgrimdon]

Eimono,

Challenges and obstacles and everything that lifes trials and including our personal issues can be overcome and people can change if they desire it and work at it.

How ready and willing is your GF to address your concerns and her issues? I hold onto hope. I have seen lives that were utterly in ruins become productive and flourishing.

My wife shared this with a lot of people... To be nobody-but-yourself – in a world which is doing its best night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

e. e. cummings

 

If you feel it in your heart to fight for this relationship - do it...