I want to seriously slap up my daughter's bf

[cinderelly]

hello, I have a teenage daughter and she has a boyfriend that I cannot stand. They have been hanging out together for a little over a year. He broke up with her about a month ago and called to tell her that he found a gf much hotter than her. Since then my daughter has been dressing inappropiately, to try to make herself look better I think. Then last week, my daughter and I were taking a walk and we saw him accross the street and he yelled out hey Mrs. L I popped your daughter. How do I deal with this. She is forbidde to see him but he harasses her all the time at school and in the neighborhood.

[melrich]

You have to give your daughter the support to allow her to sort out her own issues. Let her know your views but don't force them on her. Try to empower her to make her own decisions and she is more likely to make the right ones. Tell a teenager what not to do and they are more likely to do it.

[Maria1980]

I'm kinda confused. is he still her bf are they back together?

[avman]

How old is your daughter and how old is the boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend I guess I should say). That will make a difference in my advice to you.

[jna35]

I agree with Melrich. Be there to support her and let her know she is loved. As for the clothing, is she buying her own? If not, then I would certainly set some limits on what I would buy for her. Try to ignore the inappropriate comments her ex is making. He's more than likely just trying to get your goat.

[cinderelly]

Hello avman,

my daughter is 14 and her bf is 14 also. it's a young age to be dating IMO

but i can't do much about it.

[cinderelly]

well the clothing thing is a big problem. she has already got into trouble at school for dressing inappropiately. she has never done this before. she always did good in school.

[jna35]

At 14, where is she getting money for the "inappropriate" clothes? Or is she wearing regular clothes inappropriately? Borrowing them from friends?Is she leaving the house like that or changing when she gets to school? I sure as heck would put a stop to that. She needs to understand what's acceptable and what's not before she gets herself into more serious trouble.

[avman]

Well thats true it is pretty young to be dating seriously. But prohibiting her from dating probably won't work well as she'll just sneak around and do it behind your back. On the other hand, you mention that he is harassing her. Since she is a minor, you would be able to intervene and call his parents or even talk to the police if it is serious harassment.

 

Talk to your daughter about this. Give her your support. Set appropriate limits as the other have mentioned. You are within your rights to set some minimum standards for what she can wear. As long as she dresses within those standards then you can let her choose her clothes. But don't be afraid to step in and say "No" when you have to.

[cinderelly]

Maria, no their not dating any longer. he dumped her. he was her first bf and her first crush. so i think this is going to be a bad experience for her. he lives in our neighborhood and they go to the same school.

[hazlcha]

I, for one, do not think that you should ignore that disgusting remark. All the same, hitting him is out of the question. Where are his parents? They should be aware that their son is going down a bad path. If they are concerned parents, they should be informed that their son publicly harassed you verbally. Verbal harassment is harassment, too.

 

As for your daughter, I think it's healthy for you to really have a heart to heart with her. Express how you feel, and even more important, hear how she feels. Ask her about the clothing, and by all means share your concerns. She's still young, it certainly is your place. I can't stress enough, however, that you must find the way to share your insights into him and her in a supportive way. Force creates counterforce, so trying to push her into changing may make her more defiant. It's so important that your daughter truly feel that your advice is coming from love and is for her best interests. Make sure you both understand each other, and she'll allow her innate wisdom to guide her correctly. That's what I believe.

[DN]

At 14 she needs parental authority as well as guidance. There comes a point where you have to exert control and tell her what the rules are. Most teens want the rules - it gives them a safe place to come home to. They will fight them, of course, that is part of their job as teenagers. But your job as a parent is to be their defence against themselves and they not only need that but actually want it.

 

As to the boyfriend. If necessary, phone his parents and tell them what he is doing. If they are decent people they will tell him his fortune. If not, there is not much else you can do.

[cinderelly]

she is getting the clothes from someone at school. I don't know who. I took her shopping last week and bought her new clothes. she won't wear them. the day after I took her shopping she got in trouble again for dressing bad at school.

[Maria1980]

humm as mentioned above. have a talk with her. A serious talk. and listen to what she has to say. It;s not easy being a teenager, try to put herself in her shoes and have a serious talk with her over coffee or something.

If that dones't work. maybe changing schools?

[jna35]

I feel for you! I think parenting gets MUCH harder as they get older. I don't know as if there is anything else you can do about the clothes since she's getting them from an anonymous friend. Definitely share your concerns with her in a loving way and let her know why it's inappropriate. What is the school's policy? Will they suspend her if she gets in trouble again? It's a shame that this boy has so little respect for her and you for that matter. More than likely he has none for his own mother. If things don't stop and he continues to bother her you can always get a restraining order and maybe speak to someone at the school as well.

[RandomAdvisor]

Give me his name and address, and I'll go set him straight.

 

Just kidding,

 

 

I also think you should call his parents and talk to your daughter.

[cinderelly]

jna, yes she can get kicked out of school for dressing the way she is. the school of course knows that i'm doing the best i can to see that she is dressing appropiately. i have to say i was very angry when the school called me, it took alot to calm me down! but i feel for her because being emotionally abused by your bf as a adult is one thing but going through it as a teenager is another. her first bf and this is what she gets! ( i'm so mad)

[JRM]

Next appropriate chance you get, sit down and have a hard talk with her. Let her understand why dating bad seeds and dressing inappopriately won't help. Explain that dressing the way she does will probably only end up getting attention from other immature kids like her ex bf.

 

Good luck.

[beanpaper]

Ew, if I were you I'd get in touch with this kids parents and report the incident to the school.

[harmonized]

Hi, while I can't offer very good parenting advice I can give you advice from a teenage perspective.

 

Your daughter is going to have to figure some things out for herself and sometimes tough love works best. You'll have to do things that are for her own good and while she might hate you now for it later she'll see how you had helped her. Around that age I had a similar problem with my first serious bf and my mom hated him. We would fight constantly until she finally sat me down, told me what exactly she thought about the subject and said it was my life and my choices. By her allowing me to make my own decisions it helped a lot because I really thought about it and realized that a guy wasn't worth it.

 

It sounds like your daughter is a good kid. She's probably really confused because if her first relationship went bad then how will the rest of hers go? And if he dumped her then whats going to happen with other guys? So she probably is completely confused feeling awful because she won't be able to get other guys unless she stands out more which is resulting with the hooker clothing.

 

You should sit down and talk to her about the subject seriously. She needs to understand that other guys will like her and it isn't the end of the world.

 

Like everyone else suggests I would talk to the school about him possibly harrasing her though.

[findthyself]

That boyfriend seriously deserves a kick in the pants!!!!!! How does ur daughter react to all of this? Is she afraid of him? does she still like him? If i were in ur shoes, I would sit down with my daughter and tell her that she does not deserve someone disrespecting her like that. She shouldnt have to change herself to suit someone else or take that crap from anyone, especially some teenage loser like this guy. If she has the courage to do this, she should tell him to his face to stop harassing her and if he doesn't, she should ask one of her tough guy friends to step in and tell him to quit it. If that doesn't work...go to the police and report him for harassment.....thats what my friend did after her guy friends couldn't make an annoying ex disappear.......

 

that should teach the little brat!!!

[cinderelly]

thank you harmonized, it was good to hear things from a teenagers perspective.

 

to tell you all the truth though I don't think I handle things good with her. I yelled at her alot because I can't get through to her. I even told her she looked like a ho. ( bad thing to do i know)

 

I screamed at her bf and told him if I see him anywhere near my daughter I was going to beat his skinny little butt. ( i used alot of profanity though) I did later get a grip and told myself I can't be yelling at a minor.

 

but I probably did more harm than good so far.

[harmonized]

cinderelly, while yelling at her probably wasn't the best idea I doubt she hadn't not expected it. While telling her she looked like a ho probably wasn't that great either she needs to face things. If you don't tell her she looks like a ho then whats going to happen? Mean kids from her school are going to start spreading rumors and gossiping about her eventually ruining her reputation? She needs to hear these things from you.

 

Have you talked to her and asked her why she's doing this? Is it because she wants to get back with him? Or is it because she feels better about herself when she acts/dresses like this?

[cinderelly]

she's not answering any fo my questions right now. she is moody and distant. she's probably doing her best to avoid me.

 

i have sat down and talked with her many times but it's like talking to a brick wall. it's like she blames me. she even flipped me off!

[harmonized]

I know how difficult the situation can become. Her becoming moody and distant is of course a teenage thing. Her flipping you off is not an acceptable thing though.

 

She hears you, but doesn't want to acknowledge what your saying because she probably does blame you for the breakup. But it's better that it happened now rather than later when something worse could have happened.

 

You have not been able to figure out where her wardrobe is coming from? Is she in a lot of contact with her friends? instant messaging? The situation is difficult because you want to help her but don't know how and you don't want her to hate you in the end. Yelling and talking to her doesn't seem to be working so my only suggestion is reprimand for her behavior. Is there another teenager in your family that can maybe talk to her? A close relative? She obviously needs to talk about the situation to someone you can trust.