Possessive Guys

[Jetta]

Is there a level of possessiveness that's normal? Or is any type of possessiveness red flag behavior?

[darkblue]

Is this about Rob?

 

What happened?

[TweaK]

Some is expected especially in an older relationship. Hitting, punching ect is redflag behavior. Its really up to how much u want to put up with.

[Jetta]

Okay I seem to attract possessive guys. Rob doesn't have worried, but the other guy really does.

 

As far as Rob, when I walked into the bank he walked in a circle around me once. Now it seemed kind of territorial like, which I thought was unusual. However it's something my son does when I'm talking to guys. My son says he's making my bubble bigger. Basically he's doing it to keep guys at a distance, which it seems Rob was doing as well.

 

But this other guy I met this guy back in October. We have never really got together, but there's a strong connection between us. However I met this Rob guy now and like him better, well this other guy I think got word or somehow sensed it. He got in a bar fight last weekend. I wasn't there, where he was expecting me to be, and for some reason there was a big fight. Maybe it wasn't related to me at all, but no one is giving me details about it which is why I think it may be.

 

Anyway with him I'm at the point that I think it's a dangerous thing. One of his friends has threatened my life (I made out with another guy before really knowing this guys true interest). I really know this is not a good situation and I don't know how to get out of it.

 

I seem to bring out the possessive nature of boys/men. My son has been this way since he was little. It was always a fight wbetween him and my now ex because they were both wanting my attention.

 

I don't know why this happens, but I'm really scared about the other guy now. I mean I did want to get to know him but now from what I'm seeing I'm afraid I won't be able to get away from him.

[TweaK]

Egotistical, Jealous, and possessive. Alot of guys follow the "nice guy finishes last" statement. On the other side most females tend to like guys with these qualitys until they become overwhelming. Guys need to realise that theres a comfortable middle thats good for both. Being to nice is just lame and being to much of a jerk results in this. Also something ive always lived by is that u trust ur girl until she proves otherwise. Which would eliminate the Jealous behaviour. If that makes any sense. I think every guy on this site should read the above. U all need to realise that even though females are sometimes hard to figure out they dont deserve to be mistreated and in my oppinion females are the dominent sex of the human race and should be treated so.

[Shadows Light]

in my oppinion females are the dominent sex of the human race and should be treated so.

They should be trreased so??? what does this mean. And what do u mean females are the dominent sex of the human race.... just curious???

 

Jenna... I hear you. Go with your gut on this one. If something seems too good to be true. It usually is. And if you are feeling uneasy about someone... back off.

 

The whole bar room brawl scene... YIKES. Sounds like a bunch of little boys who haven't grown up. Do u really need another one of those? I'd be turned off by this too. Big time.

[RayKay]

Go with your gut on this...some jealousy is definitely normal when you care about someone and want tthem to be yours...however jealousy to the point of controlling and restricting the other partner is NOT okay. At this stage of your relationship, they are big warning signs perhaps, as generally things like that get worse in time as the relationship progresses.

 

I can't say for sure if your guy is or is not like this, but you use your gut, and brain...does it seem normal to you based on your experiences?

[armchairshrink]

I find it curious (and telling) that a grown man indulges in the same territorial behavior that your son does ... how old is your son anyway (sorry, I haven't read all your posts)?

 

Anyway, Jetta, I'd take it as a red flag that this guy's friend has threatened your life. And the guy in question gets into bar fights. You've already said you know this is a bad situation, and that you're afraid you won't be able to get away from him, and you know it's dangerous. I'd say your only question now should be "How do I get away from this guy?"

 

Run. Don't walk. Does he know where you live or work? If you stop going to the place where you normally see him, will that take care of the problem? Or do you think he's the sort who'll turn stalker?

[darkblue]

I'd say it was different with your son. That would be protectiveness.

But this other guy seems like bad news. If you want to get out of that situation just do it. Tell him you're not interested.

 

I'm hoping that Rob's actions didn't mean anything; but you'll soon find out if you decide to take it further.

Good Luck.

[BellaDonna]

Tweak wrote

U all need to realise that even though females are sometimes hard to figure out they dont deserve to be mistreated and in my oppinion females are the dominent sex of the human race and should be treated so

 

Interesting- because in another post about a woman

 

Tweak wrote

 

I do believe a pimp slap is in order

 

 

Isn't slapping women and treating them like prostitutes, mistreating them?

 

Anyways

 

Jetta, As the others have said- some jealousy is normal, however posessiveness is never ok. I think there are many redflags here.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Jetta]

This all started because I went to karaoke to get away from the problems at home. Now I know I need to really stay out of the bars. This guy is very attached to me and I really don't know much about him. He has befriended some aquaintances of mine. He knows a lot of people. Everywhere I go I see someone that knows him, including my daughters daycare. Yes he knows where I live. I didn't think he did but his friend gave me a look that says he knows. I am moving soon, but my daughter is in a center and he'll still figure it out if he really wants to.

 

Who knows maybe he's figured out that's he's scared the crap out of me and is laying off. But if he doesn't then what can I do? Oh the friend has a dad who is a retired police officer. I really think it was an idle threat, but still that's not normal.

 

Rob doesn't have me worried the other guy does. But I was curious about what he did. It was subtle. Like he went to get something behind me and came around the other side, but I was standing where there was nothing to get. And by the end of it he was standing straighter and his chest was out. I only noticed because my 10 year old son has been doing that circle thing lately. I really bring out the animal nature I guess.

 

They are both about 27 years old.

[armchairshrink]

Hmm... maybe Rob was just checking you out from all sides and liked what he saw.

 

As for the other guy -- sounds like you're moving just in time.

 

Your daughter's daycare center shouldn't be giving out information (or your daughter, for that matter) to anyone but you. The other guy should not be able to find out your new address from there, although if he's persistent he could conceivably meet you there. Maybe you could double-check their policy on releasing information or children.

[Jetta]

Well my concern comes from the fact he's acquaintance friends with people that work there, and being that it's a small town everyone knows everything and talks about everyone. They do have security and it is really watched (camera, door codes, etc.). So it's probably fine, but he's a very charming man and attractive so I'm sure he could smooze his way in if he wanted, but now that I'm writing I don't really think he'd do that. He has a daughter himself. And I'm probably overreacting or not, but enough people have heard about it that if something were to happen they'd know who to find. And I really don't think in my heart of hearts it will. But it did scare me at the time.

[armchairshrink]

I don't know, Jetta ... the whole thing still sounds just a little creepy. I'd still say to go with your gut on this one. I've been in situations before that sounded too incredible for words when I told people about them -- and I caught myself saying the same thing you did: "Now that I hear it out loud, I don't think he'd ever do that." I would rationalize myself out of being scared, and that worked -- until the next time I saw him.

 

Other people both helped and hindered. Some were just as creeped out as I was, and others would tsk at me and say, "look, I know him and he'd never do anything like that. In fact, he'd never even say anything like that" (completely ignoring or disbelieving the fact that he already had said "that").

 

And truthfully, a lot of those situations turned out to be nothing. But in one case I found I was right to worry. Sometime I'll have to tell you about the dead cat at my door (let me know if you want the story; I'm just trying to keep this short).

 

The problem here is that you don't know beforehand if this will turn out to be nothing or the next major news headline. The fact that he makes you feel uncomfortable at all, even just the littlest bit, should tell you something. Love is warm and fuzzy, not cold and creepy (and it's not warm and creepy either). I'd try to find a graceful way out of this almost-relationship before it develops.