I always hate feeling this way!

[cichlid]

It has happened for the second time today. I can't stand it...all we do when we make out is kiss, hold each other close, and touch the stomach and back area. Nothing too naughty...though the most that has happened was he might touch my breasts or bottom. Though I know he wants more, I know he does not want it when he is thinking straight. He'll feel horrible about touching my breasts. I feel a little embarrassed, but nothing big.

 

He is not a virgin. I am though. I plan on being one until I am married and he does not want sex anymore until he is married either. He made that clear before I mentioned it to him. But the problem is lately, I feel guilty about making out with him. I dunno why...I just feel like I am being a bit dirty. I won't want to makeout. I enjoy cuddling. We cuddle...end up making out. After awhile I feel guilty and stop. I mean I love making out with him. I love everything about him...but gah! I'm such a prude. Not to say I haven't gone further...well not much further. I dunno...I want to make out with him, but I always feel guilty when I do it. I think he thinks I don't like making out with him.

 

My conscience just loves to scream at me. 8-[ What to do?

[HajiMaji]

Why do you feel guilty?

[cichlid]

I feel like I am doing something morally wrong. I should probably mention I am a very moral Catholic girl...

[HajiMaji]

What makes 'making out' appear morraly wrong to you? Do you know? What makes you feel dirty? Is it something someone has ingrained in your brain or do you really feel like you arent acting genuine while making out?

[melrich]

Well first I would say it is concerning that you feel dirty about making out. It may be that you will at some stage need to address some sexual hang ups that you possibly have.

 

Anyway in this istuation you have made a decision about sex and marriage so that is all good if it's what you want. I assume he is around 20 plus too? Then yes it will probably be difficult for him to get all heated up by making out and not being able to go much further. That is just a natural physiological reaction, it is not a moral issue, it the way the body works.

 

How long till you get married? Maybe you need to quit making out and wait. Otherwise I think you have to accept that there will be a level of frustration on his part with the make out sessions.

[Jinx]

I presume the dirty feeling is due to the fact you realize what making out might of lead to without boundries and thus your subconscious is making a point about the embedded idea of no sex until marriage and most probably the feeling display at that point contradicts the image of what you will and won't allow.

 

Having said that, you'll either have to (A) cease making out because of this guilty A+B=C response the brain gives off for reasoning purposes or (B) work at convincing yourself that you've set boundries and there is nothing to be worried about, which may be more difficult than stopping. Because again the brain has, so to say, a formula of reasoning that will be implemented for each aspect and when things contradict each other as this does with desire A conscious and desire B you get these resulting feelings, in this case being guilt.

 

I think he thinks I don't like making out with him.

I'd say have a heart to heart to ease the issue, or praise him when you are making out. Either way, get some verbal expression in there, because you don't want him thinking this. Will rapidly become toxic.

[cichlid]

LOL! Marriage is not for a looooooooong time if even. Haha! He just casually mentioned not having sex until marriage when we were friends. Sort of just a random conversation really. And he also mentions how he regrets loosing his virginity to his ex. We have known each other since February and got together about a month and a half ago because we just get along so well.

 

As far as the make outs go, I know he'll get horny and loose control (I usually keep pretty good control of him anyway and it has gotten much better). Make out ends and he feels like a "monster". As far as I know the rest does not bother him. It bothers me in the middle of makeouts. Like I start feeling...like I shouldn't be doing this and it is wrong since we aren't married. I dunno...I have said I'm a prude, but this is what is going through my head. The only thing that seems to frustrate him is me not wanting to make out and the sudden stops when making out. I have not mentioned this to him. It has happened in the past with other guys...but we sorta did a little more than just kissing. Not too much more though...felt guilty then too.

 

As far as I know nothing has been ingrained in my head to make me think this way...well other than years and years of religious education at church and at home. I have never been told this is wrong...I've just always felt guilty...dirty...not being too moral. I think I am pretty genuine with the makeouts. Like I love it and all...but the feeling is killing me lately. He's an awesome guy too. I care about him a lot.

 

I know it's probably all very silly to feel like this. 8-[

 

He's actually 8 months younger than me. So he is 19, I am 20. Both sophomores in college. He's going to be a Senior next year, and I will be a Junior. LOL! By hours though...He came in with credit from classes he clepped out of. I started from nothing

[ComputerGuy]

I think its may have something to do with the fact that you want to abstain from sex, which is great, its a good thing, but because there is that grey area of say, touching your bum or breasts when making out, you are not sure whats OK and whats not so to speak.

 

It seems to me to be more of a confusion as opposed to truly feeling guilty. You said yourself you enjoy it, and what you want to ultimately do is wait before having sex - which you are doing.

 

If I'm right you may need to think about and decide what your limits are with that sort of thing, and stick to them. However there will be times where you will get caught up etc...don't get hung up on things like this - if it wasnt anything major, then why worry?

 

Sorry if it didnt make more sense - it's late here and Im tired

[novaseeker]

Yeah, it's probably the Catholic background. I went to Catholic school for 12 years, was raised in a similar environment probably. Catholicism doesn't teach that making out and such outside of marriage is morally wrong in itself, but its the whole environment around sex and things approaching sex that leads to this kind of guilty feeling. The closer you get to having sex, the more questionable it is in terms of morality, and if you start to get to the point where people are getting aroused, but are not married, you may b getting close to the "near occasion of sin", meaning that you are giving each other the temptation to sin, and that in itself is sinful.

 

So I can understand where you're coming from. I'm no longer Catholic, so I don't have those views any more, but they're quite understandable if you've been raised to think that way.

[cichlid]

It might be just the ultra Catholic freaks that have given me this impression. Like...most Catholics will be like no it's okay as long as you don't get carried away. And some will be like "It's very sinful." Course, those particular people have never been in a relationship. I wonder why... Once I was told kissing is a sin...course I laugh at that thought. I love it when they try to back it up with sex most always starts with a kiss. It's like not every kiss leads to sex.

 

Also the arousal thing is getting me confused. Like it usually takes a lot to get me wet and stuff. My BF gets boners pretty easily. Even a small simple kiss on the lips might do it. Heck, sometimes just seeing me. I don't even dress inappropriately! I guess maybe that is sinful as well...er near occasions of sin.

 

I just don't realize how just kissing can be a temptation to sin. It's almost like well if that is a temptation...then maybe hugging and kissing can be seen that way as well. Maybe a line should be drawn? Well, there already is a line and it is rarely crossed. Or perhaps we can say anything that makes you sexually attracted to someone as sinful.

[novaseeker]

Well, yeah ... i think there are differing opinions among different Catholics.

Some priests would say wearing revealing clothing is a sin because it tempts others towards lustful thoughts. Others would say kissing and making out is fine as long as there is no other physical touching. The opinions vary quite a bit I think.

 

It's the same for married people though! The status of oral and anal sex among married people is not clear ... some priests would say that oral sex, for example, is only allowed as foreplay, and as a precursor to vaginal intercourse, and that if the man climaxes during oral sex it's basically fornication because the 'seed' is wasted and the sexual act was not procreative. Other priests would say anything between a married couple is okay as long as they don't use birth control.

 

Since the opinions are accross the board, I think it means as a practical matter that you can decide for yourself what you think the right thing toi do is. At least I think that's how many Catholics in the US approach these kinds of issues.

[cichlid]

After discussing it on a catholic forum, I've come to one conclusion. The people that act like it is so wrong are on the verge of being insane. Although I find myself moral...these people took it to the extreme. Man! Most are like if you make out you will take it further and have sex. And I'm like um no.

 

And I don't get the "lustful" thoughts bit. I'm sure that when you are married, and doing stuff you will think naughty thoughts.

[ComputerGuy]

Bottom line is - you know whats OK with you. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. By all means ask advice and take reccomendations but never feel bad about what you choose simply because others don't like it or don't agree with it.

[novaseeker]

And I don't get the "lustful" thoughts bit. I'm sure that when you are married, and doing stuff you will think naughty thoughts.

 

Oh yeah, but even per more rigorous Catholic moral theology it would seem that's okay because you're married. It's okay for married people to think about the pleasure of sex, provided their thoughts are about their spouse, and involve procreative intercourse, and not acts which, in themselves, are not morally acceptable even for a married couple.

 

I'm sure you'll find your way to the middle ground of opinion on this ane be able to reconcile yourself with that.

[cichlid]

Okay...so then the same person said I should break up with my boyfriend and stay friends until I decide to marry him...if I do. Is it me or is this a retarded idea? It's...just...ahhhhh...too many ultra conservative, right winged Catholics.

[ComputerGuy]

Okay...so then the same person said I should break up with my boyfriend and stay friends until I decide to marry him...if I do. Is it me or is this a retarded idea? It's...just...ahhhhh...too many ultra conservative, right winged Catholics.

 

This is a retarded idea - you are correct. How can you decide to marry someone when you have never dated them or got to known them personally. Do yourself a big favour, stop stressing over what other people think is OK and what's not and come up with your own rules and limits. At the end of the day its your life and you're the one who has to live with your choices - not them.

[novaseeker]

Okay...so then the same person said I should break up with my boyfriend and stay friends until I decide to marry him...if I do. Is it me or is this a retarded idea? It's...just...ahhhhh...too many ultra conservative, right winged Catholics.

 

Yeah that's pretty right wing. Cathollics have dated before marriage for quite some time, and I've never heard it discouraged other than from the most right wing folks. I wouldn't recommend following that advice.

[cichlid]

I know...I've decided to make my own decisions. YAY!!! And realize that only right winged people will make me feel guilty for stupid stuff.

[ComputerGuy]

Good on you - fingers crossed everything works out. And if it does youll be able to point and go "Haha told you so Nyah LOL.

[runner919]

hey if this guy really really likes u then he will respect your wishes and shouldnt do anything that you dont want to do. u should tell him the way u feel and if he doesnt respect that.... this might be hard...... but he obviously isnt the right guy for u. a guy that likes u or even loves u, will respect ur wishes. i would know, i havent kissed my gf in over 2 months only because she is starting to think that things are starting to get 2 " serious" and i am respecting her wishes because i really love her. hope this helps.

[cichlid]

Nah, my BF respects me. He understands when I say stop and we briefly talked about it. It's my internal feelings...nothing about what he has done or his wanting to go further. LOL! He doesn't want to go too far and gets mad at himself if it happens (basically anything beyond kissing and some cuddling).

[orangecounty]

Hello I'm catholic as well, don't attend church all that often but I still consider myself a very spiritual person and with good morales. To me kissing is like hugging, its just a deeper sign of affection for the one you love. What's wrong with that? I just can't see how kissing someone you love, which is a loving and caring act, could be considered wrong. If you continue you feeling that guilty about it, it would be best to maybe slow things down a bit. Its good that your boyfriend is caring and respectful of the situation, that'll help the situation immensely.