Nothing is working....

[lulu04]

Hi guys,

I have posted here before my situation with my ex-fiancee of 6 yrs -- he left me out of the blue 6 wks ago, just packed up his stuff while i was at work and took off. We've spoken a few times, but he's always been hungover & I haven't really gotten any answers from him. i know he has been heavily self-medicating w/booze & other stuff...Based on past behavior, i think he may have BPD or something along those lines. of course, i'm not a doctor, but....

anyway, the problem is that i still love him very deeply and can't seem to get over this. everyone says i need to live for me now, worry about me, but i am having trouble even eating or taking care of myself, i am so depressed. i'm in therapy, but it's no quick fix.

so i have been doing NC in hopes that it would help heal me, but it is also eating at me so much. the problem is that he called me on two separate occasions over the last week & 1/2 and i haven't returned either call. i wanted him to realize that i am not always available when he feels the need to talk to me, since he certainly hasn't shown ME that respect. I also don't want him to hurt me anymore.

but the first message was last wed. & it was very business-like, saying that he had money to drop off for rent & bills & etc (he left me with all of the bills to pay until april). He then called again on monday ( a week ago) and said on my cell that he wanted to "try and make things better" and "hoped I was ok" and same thing on the home phone, he also said he "hoped we can fix things somehow and feel good about ourselves" and that he wanted to talk to me. I never called back b/c he said on the msg that he would try to call again, and also b.c i feel like the messages could be interpreted a number of ways, maybe he's just stringing me along? well, it's been a week, no word, this is eating me up. i know he has been an , but all i can think about is our relationship and all of the good in it, and how this came out of the blue. I'm afraid if i don't call soon , he will just give up and walk away for good. he is very self-hating, and i'm sure that would be his reaction: "oh, she's done with me, she hates me" -- that kind of thing.

he has a history of rash decisions, and once he makes them he is often too stubborn or proud to do anything but keep rolling with it....

but should i call him? he still has things here, and i think i am hanging on b.c i don't want this to be over. any advice guys? i need some strength, i miss him so badly and hurt deep inside. 6 yrs is a long time to throw away.

[lunatic]

Well your in a sticky situation here and I really have no advice to give. I can only say that I was in a similar situation but, I was the one who left not her. I had to pay my half of the rent for a little over six months.

 

Now listen what I can tell you is this. What he did to you is wrong and it sure does hurt. The only thing you can do is give yourself time and try to have minimal contact with him. Talk to him in a professional manner cold and consise. Don't let him know or see your hurt no matter how much it kills you inside. You should be with someone who WANTS to be with you and not run off with no warning. He moved out while you were at work with no warning. Who needs someone who is that flaky in their life?

 

You should try to do some soul searching to find you again and start the process of moving on. I know it hurts and you feel like this pain will never end but, it does. I know that someone saying something nice on this site only makes you feel a little less pain but, no one can truly take it away. Unfortunately, only time can make the pain go away. For now, you need to KEEP BUSY Go out with friends and family. Get some hobbies or take a class at the local college or university. Keep from sitting in that lonely apartment and thinking about him.

 

Get out as much as possible and keep busy. One day, you will wake up and realize that it is not that bad with him not in your life. In other words, You will get thru this! Read my signature because it is the absolute truth. Without feeling pain and loss we could never better ourselves so when the right one comes along your ready, willing, and able!

 

Be strong!

 

Post here when your feeling down!

 

Good luck,

Hub

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am sorry you are going this. Hugs to you. I am curious of why you think he has BPD. (I have worked with them before). But that's besides the point. If he truly has BPD, then there is not much you can do, it is a serious personality disorder and he has to be able to help himself before he can help others. If he can't help himself, then how can he help you and take care of you and be a possible future husband and father? I know, I know, you want to take care of him and be there for him, but he has to be able to help himself and take care of himself first. When you do all the taking care of, then the relationship becomes miserable for you and you resent him in the long run. You are in great pain because you don't have all the answers and do you honestly think having all the answers is going to make things easier and help you? Who truly has all the answers after a break-up? No one does and when you dwell on it, that's why we can't move on. Don't get sucked in that blackhole. I know it's hard but just take it as he has problems, he has to help himself first. Love him enough to let him go. You may never get those answers you want.

Takes things one day at a time, try to stay busy. Break-ups are NEVER easy, they test our soul, our emotions, our minds, our state of being. However, these tests can make us stronger. I know all this sounds corney and trite, but it's true. I have been through painful break-ups where I would crawl, beg, and steal for all the answers. I never got them but I chugged along and now, I can careless. You will get there too if you let yourself get there. I truly wish you the best and take care.

[lulu04]

Thanks so much to both of you for your replies, I appreciate them. I feel like i don't WANT to move on... i know if I think with my head (not my heart) that what he has done is horrible and I deserve better, but I guess I have a hard time believing I will find someone who doesn't hurt me like this. All I can think about is the whole of our relationship, which, for 5 years of it, was wonderful. he was incredibly supportive of me, and very caring. It makes me feel physically sick to think of losing THAT person. Then I feel like the person who did this is someone else, almost. I really do.

The reason I think he is BPD or bipolar is 1) it is all over his family, and 2) because of many of his behaviors. The problem is that he hasn't exhibited a lot of them for over 5 years, with the small exception here and there. not sure if you can repress for that long?? When we were first together, he cheated on me, had a problem with drugs and alcohol, used to say he was going to jump out of my moving car when I was driving if we were arguing & actually open the door, and also used to punch himself (HARD) in the face and chest in front of me when we fought. THese things made me hysterical. they were very frightening. Like I said, this was all in college, 5 yrs ago, and things changed after he almost lost me the first time. He begged me to give him another chance, and I did. Look where it got me. I haven't seen much behavior like this from him since then, although when we argue he gets very "violent" -- i don't mean physically, but he is so intense that I am scared. Not sure if this is normal?

He also got so angry at work about a yr ago that he punched a wall & broke his hand. THat really seemed to freak him out, too. (me, too)

He has an extremely addictive nature & has been drinking excessively since he left me. ( I think I used to keep him in check with that, and I almost feel like he left me for booze).

I know this all sounds horrible, but there has been such a long, wonderful span of time together that I can't believe he has regressed back to such behavior & such cruelty. I am in shock, still.

I still don't feel like I should be the one to contact him, but I have to figure out what to do about his cell phone, (he's on my acct) and he needs to sign paperwork, etc. I have been fighting so hard to not call, though.

WHY DO I WANT HIM BACK??? because i do. i really do. I feel like I will never have anyone better. I thought he was my soulmate.

I don't understand why he isn't hurting like me & how he can just shut his love & caring off instantly. I am so confused & hurt, all day, every day he is on my mind. It is surreal to be with someone for 6 years and then have them vanish completely from your life. I know I need to keep busy, but I can't even get out of bed until late in the day. (i work in the eves).

Any more thoughts or advice would be so much appreciated --

 

thanks for listening & thanks for your support.

[kellbell]

Oh, I am so sorry for all this. You want him back because you love him so, you saw a side of him that others may not have seen (good side), you invested 5 years with this man and you want answers. Plus, this hurt is not going to go away overnight. You were blind-sided and still in shock over the matter. It has not "sunk in." I have also worked with people with Bi-Polar (BPD overlaps bi-polar and often people get mis-diagnosed) and bi-polar is also very serious. He could be in manic mode right now where people make very rash decisions and do things that can get them into trouble. The act not like their normal selves. If it runs in the family, there is very good chance he coud be suffering from it too. Has he ever seen a psychologist or psychiatrist? Has he ever been evaluated or ever taken meds? Also, have you contacted his parents about this? I wish I had other words of wisdom for you but I don't. I hope things get better and try to take of you and take it one day at a time. Feel free to PM me anytime. I am at the site A LOT. I love it here. You will find a lot of support and advice here, stick around here as much as you can. Hugs to you and keep me posted.

[Stari]

lulu04, you not wanting to give up yet on your ill ex-fiancee touches me deep inside.

 

Right now he is not able to behave towards you the way you deserve. When he gets better, he will understand the pain you feel and go through right now. When he understands the pain you have endured, his heart will overflow with caring for you. By that time, you might have moved on. I hope not.

[lulu04]

oh, you guys are so wonderful. i've been spending a lot of time here, also. (too much??) i know i am expending too much energy on HIM still, and having trouble focusing on myself. in our relationship, i did all of the "adult" things -- like bills, groceries, banking, etc etc. all he really had to do was go to work & have fun. I think i read somewhere that people with bi-polar or bpd can grow resentful of being cared for, but that if no one does it, they won't do it themselves either. And now i am getting calls that he hasn't paid his student loan bills & owes a bunch of late fees...ugh.

Well, I don't know that he has either of these disorders. I'm "diagnosing" him in my search for answers. He was abused sexually when he was younger & also went through his father abandoning him when he was little (no child support). He never sought counselling for these things, and always has had anger issues. When we met initially after he took off for a week without answering my calls, my instinct was of course to try and fix things. I suggested we go to counselling together, and his reaction was "you can go, i'm not going. you go." Which I am, btw. But that was very telling to me, and very frustrating.

I guess there is nothing I can do. I think it's so weird that he doesnt realize what he is doing, and also doesn't seem to understand the gravity of how cruel it is.??

[kellbell]

There is another young lady around here who is having a similar problem as you.

 

Here is the link

 

link removed

 

You have totally neglected yourself and that's why you are miserable. You did all the taking care of and no one took care of you. It's definitely a lonely place to be, believe me I know. Right now, I would try to focus on you and try to pull yourself up from the floor and surround yourself around friends and family who care about you. You will need them. As far as financial stuff goes, I know how hard that is too. Very stressful. I hope none of these are shared debts, that can get pretty hairy. If so I would call an attorney. Otherwise, I would screen the calls for now. Lots of hugs to you and feel free to PM when ever you want, I always answer my messages.

[Stari]

No. You are wonderful for not running for the hills by now.

 

I want to give him credit. Five good years indicate that he has gotten reasonable bit on the road to recovery.

 

He does not want to go to counselling because he does not see that his behaviour is abnormal AND he would perceive it as a failure to go to counselling which would lower his self esteem.

 

If he is having a hard time keeping his self esteem in the Approved zone, he is unlikely to let things pass by. And not going to counselling might be something he has taken pride in hitherto.

 

What you can do? Decide if you want to live your future. Do you want to repeat things? If he later wants to get back with you, you can make counselling a condition.

 

Or even better, don't reward him (getting back together) by him simply showing up at counselling but make the reward depedent on his participation. Make him complete counselling first and when he thanks you for making him go there, then it would be a good time to get back together.

 

Meanwhile, do things You enjoy doing.

[lulu04]

unfortunately, i don't think he wants to get back together. even if he did, i don't think his pride would let him. like i said, i was trying to do NC for my own sake, and also so i wasn't just available to him when he needs me since he wasn't making himself available to me. he did leave those messages about "making things better", "fixing things", etc....but since then, he has not called again, and i think he should have to!! on the other hand, i am at my wits end waiting for him to call and realize that i am still paying his cell phone, and a myriad of other bills (shared bills -- yes -- the RENT for one, which is enormous). It is disturbing to me b.c he knows how much our bills are and he also knows that i can barely afford them.

 

Another thing he did since this happened that really hurt me: I was driving home one night (i live in chicago) thru a really shady neighborhood & was at a red lite & this [censored by Moderator] up guy tried to get in my car with me (i forgot to lock them) -- he had the passenger door open and i had to gun it thru the lite with the door open! luckily no other cars were coming. THEN, same night, i parked and had to walk a few blocks to my apt, and someone was getting mugged in a doorway at gunpoint as i walked by!!! I was so shaken up, i was crying & called him b.c. i had no one else to call. i left him a message and he never called me back. he doesn't even care for my safety!! I am SO hurt every day by the fact that he literally doesn't care at all about my well-being, or respect me at ALL. How does someone turn that off like a switch??? he was never like this before, and it's not as if i did something to make him hate me so.

 

i still don't know if / when i should call him to address the financial issues. i was thinking he would call back, he said he would, but now i'm guessing he is thinking self-hating thoughts & that I am "done with him" so maybe it has to be my doing. i don't want to be set back emotionally by seeing him or talking to him tho. what to do.....

[Stari]

You are handling your hardships really well. You are a rock.

 

But even a rock can with time be ground down. You must protect yourself in the long run and taking more control of your financial outgoings is one way of doing that.

 

I would call him about your shared bills. If he does not help you, you will suffer financially longer but romantically a shorter time.

 

You had a distressing car ride. It makes me sad that there are people with so little honour that they cannot let other people be. I can imagine you turning your car around saying "Want to see the inside of this car? First you must see its front up real close."

 

With your character, I think better times await you once you have worked through new problems in this new situation.

[lulu04]

stari,

thanks for your reply, although i certainly don't feel anywhere close to a "rock" about all of this! I wish i did more than anything.

 

I am having a really hard time even getting out of bed. I feel desperate, like there must be something I can do. I feel like he isn't even thinking about me, and then I know that I shouldn't want to be with someone who has done the things he has done, but I love him so much & the bulk of our relationship was really good. I just sit & think about our times together & wonder how he can just not think of the good things.

 

I am truly afraid to call him about anything, even if it is about bills, because I don't want him to hurt me anymore & I feel like there's a strong possibility that i will hurt even more after seeing him. I was hoping he would call me again, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm so angry that he left me not only with horrible emotional scars, but also with all of the responsibility & i'm supposed to figure all of that out while i'm in pain. it's so unfair & i can't believe he is capable of treating me so heartlessly.

I read so many stories on here about people "dating" right away. THat is so not me -- i don't "date" -- i was always so glad to not have to go through all of the awkwardness. Also, i don't know where/how I'll meet someone who would treat me any better...it just doesn't seem possible.