Does he just need space?

[roxy79]

I've been together with my now ex, for 4 months. In those 4 months, we talked everyday and tried to see each other all the time. Things were fantastic, except for a few falling outs (arguments). We both are stubborn so these 2 fights have been (or appear) to be big because of our personalities.

 

Last Mon. he left a love note on my truck in the middle of the night, tues. he came to watch game, wed. we argued about our plans for the weekend. Thurs we talked for a good hour or two on the phone. Fri. he called me 5 times (for my birthday), Sat. he called about 5 times. we met up later that night to talk about "our problems", we argued a bit, did a relationship exercise together (to understand our goals). Nothing really got solved. Sun. we chatted for a small amount of time, Mon. I said I think we should have some time apart and he says he never wants to talk to me or see me ever again.

 

Can I add that this man has told me that he wants to marry me, says he has looked at rings, tells me I'm perfect..etc.

 

Tues. I went to his house (uninvited) to talk to him. He blew up and screamed at me to leave, that he didn't want to talk to me. I didn't talk to him wed, thurs, or Fri. I mailed him a letter explaining my TRUE feelings which he may have gotton today depending on when the landlord brought around the mail. I did call him today and he said "why are you calling me?" I said I didn't want to end things on such horrible terms and he said "okay, bye."

 

My question: what the heck happened? What went wrong? Is he EVER going to call me again? What do I do? I'm totally heart broken and confused more than anything. How can he want to marry me to never wanting to speak to me again? Does he just need some seriou space and then he'll come around? Please help.

[DN]

He probably took your saying that you needed time apart as a way of saying you wanted to break up - and then you confirmed it by saying you didn't want things to end this way.

 

What exactly do you want?

[roxy79]

I don't want things to end at all. I think we both would benefit from some time apart as it seems we are bickering a lot and getting on each other's nerves. We both are frustrated at each other and have admitted it to each other. I was getting very emotional over my birthday plans that did not happen, and I thought the best, for both of us, was to take some time off.

 

I'm just not understanding where all of the anger came from, and even 4/5 days later, that anger and hatred is still there. I know I CAN NOT call him ever, as he made it clear today when I called that the call was not welcomed.

 

I'm definetly in need of advice.

[roxy79]

I may need to add that Thurs. night I did call things off between us, only in desperate frustration (heat of the moment), but even after that, we talked for another hour, and I let him know that was not what I wanted. My letter also conveyed this message. But he did call me the entire weekend (and fri.) , even though I "technically" called it off.

[DN]

How would time apart solve the bickering problem? All that would do is postpone sorting out the problems that cause the bickering?

 

I think you need to fix what went wrong and you can only do that by talking about it - calmly and without anger.

[roxy79]

I suggested to my ex's best friend that maybe the 3 of us could sit down and talk...that way his friend could direct us when we got off course or started to head down a path that doesn't need to be traveled.

 

My whole thing about asking for time apart, really wasn't to ignore the bickering, it was to figure out what to do about it. I even bought 2 relationship books which, oddly enough, pin-point our problems. And i see the things we both need to work on, together.

 

But from his actions towards me lately, I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid IF I call again, I'll get hung up on and I'll push him away even futher. I'm not sure how to even communicate with him when he's acting like this. Will this blow over in a week or so, and he'll come back. (the rubberband theory?)

[DN]

Possibly - or he may use the time to think of reasons why he should not get back with you rather than reasons that he should.

 

I would not use a friend as a mediator - he is not trained and is too close to both of you.

 

I think you should write him a letter. He can't hang up, you can take the time to properly express how you feel and what you want, and he can take the time to read it carefully and consider what he wants to do without the pressure of you awaiting an immediate response.

[roxy79]

I did write him a letter. I mailed it Thursday, thereforeee he should have received it today. It completely laid out ALL of my feelings and I was apologetic about "showing" up at his house unexpectatly. I informed him that I wasn't ready to give up. That we have a chemistry that is hard to find. And I told him how much I cared for him. (I stated that I wanted to make this work which is why I wrote the letter.)

 

I was hoping he'd call me once he read it, but I haven't had a call yet. Does he need time to sit and think about what I said in the letter? I just can't imagine, with the words he spoke to me in the past and with the words I presented to him, that he'd still never call me. I'm praying that within a few days he really cools off and contacts me. What do you think?

[DN]

Hopefully he will calm down. Did you ask him to meet and talk or just lay out your feelings?

[roxy79]

In the letter I said I wanted to talk to him. But I also said it has to be when he his ready. I'm still not grasping this whole idea that he can just forget about me and move on. How can you do that when you said you loved the person and even thought of marrying them? How can just drop me cold? Is the anger he is showing towards me, is that HIS pain that he is experiencing? With me, I've been crying.

 

I truly want to believe that the letter will sink in and after a while (hopefully only a few days) he'll call and want to talk. I just don't know how else to get it thru to him. My biggest fear is that I'm pushing him further and further away. What can I do?

[DN]

Wait for a few days and see if he responds. If he does not then ask him if he intends to - if he fails to respond a second time then you may have to move on yourself.

[roxy79]

I think I need to give him a good solid week or two before I come around to talking to him again. And maybe after two weeks I won't want to seek answers anymore. I just don't want to push him because he does truly mean a lot to me and I dont want to risk scaring him away.

 

I want him to have the chance to miss me. To miss the "good" feelings that we've had all along. But I don't want to give up on him either. I feel though, the more I chase him, the more he's going to resist me. So do you think by disapearing for a while, that the thoughts that I may not want him anymore may start hounding him? That he may start worrying that he shouldn't have "let me go" and that he really may have lost me?

 

I really think trying to contact him now is a very bad idea, especially from the reaction I got yesterday. I think SPACE is the key here, what do you think?

[DN]

I can't predict how he will feel at being apart. Maybe he will miss the good times. Maybe he will like the feeling of there being no bad times and the good time memories won't counter them.

 

It is always dangerous to predict how a partner will react in times like this and try to find tactic that will work based on assumptions that may not be true.

[roxy79]

Then what is a person to do? I have HOPE that he'll miss me and want to reconcile after the "hurt" that we are both experiencing. I feel if I contact him AGAIN I'm working in the wrong direction. I've sent the letter expressing my feelings and have talked deeply with his close friend.

 

Isn't it all up to HIM now? What do you suggest.

[DN]

Same as before.

[sbrew21]

YO BRA, THAT GUY SUX. HE TRIED TO KILL YOU LOL.....J/K, GIVE IT TIME CHICA. YOU NEED TO GIVE HIM AT LEAST A WEEK OF SPACE, BUT YOU KNOW MY THEORY, THEY ALWAYS CALL!