Am I a bit of a massochist ???

[TIGRONETTE]

When the bf and I split up, I had always contemplated being friends (this is the first tieme I've ever wanted to be friends with an ex - because we were together for so long and because we have a lot in common). However, i had no idea he could be so horrible to me, which is why we haven't been speaking (apart from the occasional email) for about 3 months.

 

Basically, he fell in love with another girl and left me for her (to cut a long story short). OK this sort of thing happens all the time and I am, gradually, getting over it. What I still have trouble with is the fact that he pinned the whole thing on me and my insecurities. Another problem is that he's very ambitious and always had a specific professionnal dream. Now I gave up quite a lot to help him achieve this, and guess what, he gets rid of me just as it's all coming together for him. So I spent all of June and most of July calmly contemplating suicide/leaving the country/drugs/feigning madness and driving close friends and family completely crazy, whilst he's out there having the time of his life (and I'm not exaggerating this).

 

Is it time to make amends or am I a complete wuss if I forgive

n forget ??

 

(according to a mutual friend, he doesn't want to lose touch and has already hinted that we see each other in a couple of emails - hints I've ignored)

[danylion]

The reason why he is being nasty is because he is feeling guilty about what happened. Now he is feeling guilty about being mean and wants to see you. You sound like you have just gone through your healing process (well done, its so painful). Make sure that you are strong and that you really are just wanting to be friends, remember you've never done the "friend thing" before so you may not be abled to handle it and he is with someone else. Forgiving him may be good for him, ease his guilt but will it really make you feel any better.

 

Obviously situations vary, but ask yourself if you are properly healed and what you want from being friends and if that is realistic. Go with your gut instict, listen to your head now, not your heart.

 

You've come so far, don't let him hurt you again. Good luck whatever you decide, be strong!

[kellbell]

No, don't make amends with this guy. Make amends with yourself. Forgive, yes, it takes a great deal of strength to forgive but don't forget. By not forgetting means you learn from your mistakes and growing as a person. Everyone makes mistakes, it's a part of life but learning from them and not repeating them breeds wisdom. That's the way life works. It's YOUR wisdom. Forgive yourself and let go.

 

He wants to see you and be friends with you because he feels guilty. That's not how true friendship works. I would NEVER want anyone to stay with the likes of me out of guilt. I am better off without the person. Let him go for good, he doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Learn to repsect yourself without him. Take things one day out of time and apply NC with him. Heal from this. Be well and treat yourself right. Things will get better. Take care and all the best.

[TIGRONETTE]

So I guess this means I am being a masochist (sorry about the typo in the subject heading) ???

[kellbell]

Nah, I would not say that at all. We all have been through what you have been through, sometimes we feel sorry for ourselves and kind of wallow around in the pain but I think that's a phase one goes through after a break up. But the pain doesn't go away in one day, it takes time to heal and depending the kind of person you are, the length of time will vary. Some people bounce back quickly, some others take longer. But eventually, you have to in order to heal and move on.

[TIGRONETTE]

Err...I meant masochist in contemplating being friends with this guy because let's face it, it would make everyone's life easier (yes, even mine, when it comes to tying up loose ends). It's just that I've been hurt and I don't want to be used again (I meant 'masochist' in the 'pushover' sense of the word). Thing is, several of our mutual friends are waiting for me to make amends, and I'm tempted to when I look aropund me at these women who are still bitter after years and years. I know it's not always their fault, but sometimes I feel that this would help me move on (if I could only be sure I won't be taken for a ride again...I can just see people sniggering behind my back as I write this).

[kellbell]

Never never do what your friends think what you should be doing. What is it to them???? I mean this is YOUR LIFE and your HEART on the block. Why would making amends be easier for you, I don't believe that when I read your post. It seems like it would be easier for everyone else (your ex and your friends) than it would be for you. Your friends should be supporting you and helping you get through this and not contributing to your pain and telling you what to do. With friends like that, who needs enemies?!

If you don't want to be used again, don't be friends with this guy. Friends don't use each other. No one likes or respects a pushover and by you being friends with him is being a pushover. Stand up for yourself girl. Stop doing things that others think you should be doing and do what's right for you! I don't know, I think your mutual friends should butt out and let things be. Maybe you might to expand your horizons and find new friends.

Anyhow, I don't mean to rant, I just think that whole situation is messed up. Take care and wishing you all the best.

[TIGRONETTE]

My friends have never actuallly come out and said all this to me (they're my friends after all), but they're embarrassed by the whole thing and so am I. It's just a fine line between self preservation and denying myself something which could turn out to be quite positive.

 

I think that bitterness can be necessary for a short amount of time, but that long term resentment can only be negative. I'd like to put all this behind me as quickly as possible.

 

What I think I'll do is wait for the day when I'll feel OK seeing both of them together (for now I can live with the idea but have no desire to see it/them in the flesh as it were whereas him alone would be fine). That'll be the day when I'll make a move to get back in touch.

[kellbell]

OK, now I see. Ok, well it sounds like you have a good plan and truly hope things will be ok for you soon and that you feel better.