Need Advice : 3-Way Relationship?

[mdwstgal]

I have a situation I need some advice on.

 

I met this guy I like online. He's my bf, and he considers me his gf. That was about 15 months ago. He lives accross the country from me. I've never been to see him. He can't afford to come, and I pretty much can't either, and the one time I did try to go something came up with my family and I couldn't go.

 

Anyways, we've gotten to know each other a lot online. And we IM every day for a few hours.

 

Several months ago he met someone else online in a game he plays (I also met him in a game we used to play). He and this other person (a guy) were roleplaying and stuff and they were both roleplaying as girls and they were roleplaying a relationship as girls. A lesbian relationship. He told me about it. I was okay with it, as long as it was roleplaying. We met during roleplaying too in another game.

 

Anyways, he kept getting closer to this other person, and also in real life closer. They don't live near each other, but they talked and stuff a lot. Anyway, a few months ago it started to get all funny. My bf and this guy had been talking about my bf moving out to live with this other guy. At first, it seemed like it was all about helping out my bf (and he does need a lot of help to get things straightened out in his life), but it eventually came out that this other guy really likes my bf in real life, and my bf really likes him too. My bf is open that he is bi and I am as well.

 

So anyways, making a long story short, my bf asked me if I wanted to be involved in a three-way relationship. I initially said it was okay, but I was shocked. Then I took that back and said it was not okay, and a few days later he told me that although it was hard on him, he would have to choose to be with this guy. Now he told me that the reason he was making that choice was because he was upset that I said I was going to visit him and I didn't end up coming out there, like I let him down, like he couldn't count on me or something, but anyways. A day or two later I told him I was okay with the triple relationship and wanted back in, and they both agreed to it. That was like 5 or 6 weeks ago.

 

Since then things are okay with us. I speak with my bf a lot like I used to, both in IMs and on the phone. The other guy – who is like 15 years older and is established and stuff – has visited my bf a couple times and now they're going to be together where this other guy lives for most of the month of October. I was invited out there, but I … well it would be a bit disrutping for me to go in terms of what's happening in my life where I live, but I guess I also think it would be kind of weird to go there, even for a couple days like they're asking.

 

I've talked a lot with the other guy, we get along really well. I think he's sweet, and I love what he's doing for my bf. We don't have like a romantic thing between us, but we're really good friends at this point.

 

So, what do y'all think about this? Is this as weird as it sounds? Do you think I'm just in for a lot of pain out of this? I feel okay as of now, I really do, because things are going well, but I know it's an odd situation and I'd like to hear from others.

 

Thx.

[Aueft]

Go no contact with both of them.

[RayKay]

Yes it is very strange.

 

Personally I would stay FAR FAR away. I mean, why even commit yourself to a VERY strange situation with a guy you have NEVER met. I know you have put a lot into this relationship online, but until you truly meet a person and get to know them in REALITY and develop shared real life experiences together, you don't really know them. Better you find this out now rather than later.

 

Run away.

[Aueft]

Yes it is very strange.

 

Personally I would stay FAR FAR away. I mean, why even commit yourself to a VERY strange situation with a guy you have NEVER met. I know you have put a lot into this relationship online, but until you truly meet a person and get to know them in REALITY and develop shared real life experiences together, you don't really know them. Better you find this out now rather than later.

 

Run away.

 

This hits the issue perfectly.

[djedix]

Jump on your, mount, speederbike, horse, chobo, and run run run run away.

 

And folks, That's why don't play on roleplaying servers..

 

Goodnight everybody!

[mdwstgal]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

I'm not scared of this other guy, he's met my bf's parents a few times (I talk to them too on the phone) and a lot of my bf's friends in real life. And I talk with him too, so yeah ... I'm not scared of anything bad that would happen or anything, but it's just weird thinking that everyone who looks at our relationship will think it's weird. I feel fine right now, but that's the part that bothers me. Does that make sense?

[RayKay]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

I'm not scared of this other guy, he's met my bf's parents a few times (I talk to them too on the phone) and a lot of my bf's friends in real life. And I talk with him too, so yeah ... I'm not scared of anything bad that would happen or anything, but it's just weird thinking that everyone who looks at our relationship will think it's weird. I feel fine right now, but that's the part that bothers me. Does that make sense?

 

I am not scared of the guy either. I am however VERY "scared" of the way your "bf" seems to view this relationship, or view you. In my opinion, you deserve someone whom only wants you...and to be with you, and respects you.

 

Why would you want to get involved in this, with two people YOU don't personally know (I don't care if others have met them, what matters is YOU).

[chai714]

Ok, you're bi, your boyfriend is bi and his boyfriend is bi and you're in a so called "3-way relationship" but you've actually never met either of your boyfriends.

 

Does that sound strange? Yes. Does it happen all the time? Probably, so it might not be so strange. I'm sure you're not the first woman to become involved in this type of relationship.

 

As far as what you should do - you're gonna do what you're gonna do. If I were a female, my first concern would be safety. Even though these guys are bi, they're still guys and they're still strangers whether you want to accept it or not. Predators do exist in this world, so be aware. Among that worry, there are others such as contracting STD's, getting raped/murdered, kidnapped, and other awful situations. Look out for yourself, kid.

[mdwstgal]

 

I am not scared of the guy either. I am however VERY "scared" of the way your "bf" seems to view this relationship, or view you. In my opinion, you deserve someone whom only wants you...and to be with you, and respects you.

 

Why would you want to get involved in this, with two people YOU don't personally know (I don't care if others have met them, what matters is YOU).

 

Yeah, here's the thing: he doesn't really believe in monogamy. Not that he believes in cheating ... he wouldnt do anything behind my back or without telling me or having me approve, but he doesnt think there's a good reason not to approve. He doesnt have casual relationships with people, really, but he says he can love more than one person at once. I dunno ... I love him, and I'd like to keep him in my life, and maybe he's right. I'm not a big believer in marriage anyway.

 

Oh well, thanks for the replies!

[RayKay]

Yeah, here's the thing: he doesn't really believe in monogamy. Not that he believes in cheating ... he wouldnt do anything behind my back or without telling me or having me approve, but he doesnt think there's a good reason not to approve. He doesnt have casual relationships with people, really, but he says he can love more than one person at once. I dunno ... I love him, and I'd like to keep him in my life, and maybe he's right. I'm not a big believer in marriage anyway.

 

Oh well, thanks for the replies!

 

But what do YOU want? You can still believe in commitment and love and not want to get married (though to be fair, marriage is what you put into it).

 

Wouldn't a good reason not to "be with others" is love, respect, devotion, commitment, honour, compassion?

 

Don't compromise YOUR values or feelings just to keep someone around in your life..not when there are people out there whom will have the same values and feelings as you, and share the same love.

[mdwstgal]

I guess what I'd really want is if this other guy had never happened. I mean I wish I could have kept my bf to myself. But I can't change what's happened, right?

 

I mean if I tell him I want him to end his rel with this other guy, I know he won't. It's gone too far for that. And I actually know and like the other guy too at this point. And I also told 'em it was okay with me, and I'd be going back on that, and I know that's what my bf would say anyways.

 

I mean if I decided to set an ultimatum, I know he's going to choose the other guy at this point because he's never even met me in real life. I feel like I can't compete with that. If I stick around maybe I still have a chance? I mean I don't think his relationship with this other guy who is 15 years older then him has a real future, so maybe if I stick around and wait it out things will be fine?

 

I'm just confused. I'm happy with the situation now, for the most part, but I'm confused because I think I'd be happier if the situation had never happened, and I also helped make the situation.

 

Ack!

[BellaDonna]

Yeah, here's the thing: he doesn't really believe in monogamy

 

So what is the point of this relationship? What do you believe in?

 

 

What do you possibly gain from being in this situation?

 

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Honestly, I don't know why you don't just realize "I am walking away from this".

 

Don't stick around HOPING things will change, it's a sure way to set yourself up for pain when the other person is FINE the way things are.

 

Maybe him and this guy DON'T have a future, but do you honestly believe you two do? Do you honestly want to settle for the scraps?

 

Of course you would be happier if it had not happened, but it DID and you need to deal with that in the best way you can. And if it had not happened with this guy, it sounds like it would of with somebody else anyway.

[mdwstgal]

Yeah, here's the thing: he doesn't really believe in monogamy

 

So what is the point of this relationship? What do you believe in?

 

 

What do you possibly gain from being in this situation?

 

 

BellaDonna

 

Yeah, I know. I haven't really thought about that much. I mean at some point I could see myself settling down with him and having kids, but he'd have to change a lot between now and then. He'd need to straighten out his life a lot, get his education finished up, get a job and stuff like that ... and that's where this other guy is helping him and doing him some good. But yeah, I guess I sort of think he might grow out of the thing about monogamy?

 

I guess if he changes and gets his life sorted out, I could have a great relationship with him at some point down the road... I dunno

[mdwstgal]

Honestly, I don't know why you don't just realize "I am walking away from this".

 

Don't stick around HOPING things will change, it's a sure way to set yourself up for pain when the other person is FINE the way things are.

 

Maybe him and this guy DON'T have a future, but do you honestly believe you two do? Do you honestly want to settle for the scraps?

 

Of course you would be happier if it had not happened, but it DID and you need to deal with that in the best way you can. And if it had not happened with this guy, it sounds like it would of with somebody else anyway.

 

Yeah, thanks for this. It's pretty helpful.

 

The thing is, right now I'm pretty okay with it. I think I would be more okay if the situation were otherwise, but I'm still pretty okay with it for now. I guess if things take a tuen for the worse at some stage, I will end up running and cut my losses I guess ...

 

Thanks for all the replies.

[RayKay]

Good luck...I do want to say though don't limit yourself to someone whom is not sharing the same goals for the relationship you do.

 

And more than that, don't live your life for someone or compromise your values for someone whom does not respect you, or more so whom you have never even met in REAL life yet.

 

Honestly, at this point you don't really know if he is WORTH it or if you two have what is needed for a relationship.

[novaseeker]

I'd have to agree with the other posters here.

 

Be very careful. I wouldn't worry about being held to what you told him before ... that was something you said when you were afraid you were going to lose him. And I agree with RayKay, you just don't know if this is worth making other sacrifices in your life for ... you've never even met this person.

 

It could work, but how much of your life are you going to waste about someone you've never met (and you haven't really until you've met the person in real life, whatever anyone says), hoping things will change?

 

It's your decision as to how long you want to stay involved with this situation, but I'd advise you to be very careful.

[BellaDonna]

I mean at some point I could see myself settling down with him and having kids

 

What is the appeal of him to you? Do you really think he'd make a good father? He's already cheating now (even though you won't call it that), and doesn't believe in monogamy. That's not a good role model for a child, nor are they good qualities for someone to settle down with.

 

He's not going to change, and all the time you waste waiting for him, is valuable time taken out of your life, and opportunities missed, to have a real 2-way relationship with someone that actually wants the same things you do. You've already stated you're sure he'll chose that older man over being with you- so you're in essense afraid give him the ultimatum, and instead put up with this twisted situation which you clearly are uncomfortable with.

 

If you've never met him, how do you know you'd want him to father your child one day? That's a profound thing to say. Have you ever even talked outside of IM, on the phone?

 

mdwstgal, I'm just reallly confused about what you could possibly be getting out of this "relationship". Is it the attention you like? Do you enjoy the escape and the fantasy world this internet relationship allows you to enter?

 

Do you love yourself and believe that you deserve happiness?

 

BellaDonna

[novaseeker]

I agree.

[mdwstgal]

What is the appeal of him to you? Do you really think he'd make a good father? He's already cheating now (even though you won't call it that), and doesn't believe in monogamy. That's not a good role model for a child, nor are they good qualities for someone to settle down with.

 

Yeah, but is it really cheating if I said it was okay? I mean I know that's what he'd say if I said he was cheating. But yeah, I know he's in no shape to be a father now or anything, but he is sweet and good-natured and I think he could make a good father at some point ... not now, though.

 

You've already stated you're sure he'll chose that older man over being with you- so you're in essense afraid give him the ultimatum, and instead put up with this twisted situation which you clearly are uncomfortable with.

 

Well, see I already sort of gave him the ultimatum before when I said I wasn't okay with it and he said he'd have to choose the other guy because I hurt him when I didnt come to visit him like I said I would. Only thing that's changed since then is that the other guy has visited him twice and they're just getting closer, so I don't think he'd respond to an ultimatum any differently now. I guess I just don't want to lose him, not right now.

 

Have you ever even talked outside of IM, on the phone?

 

Yeah, we speak on the phone. I've also spoken with his mom on the phone, and she's cool with the 3-way thing (but she's cool with a lot of strange things I think).

 

mdwstgal, I'm just reallly confused about what you could possibly be getting out of this "relationship". Is it the attention you like? Do you enjoy the escape and the fantasy world this internet relationship allows you to enter?

 

I love him. He loves me. He gets me ... much more than any other boyfriend I've ever had. I don't want to lose that. Maybe I'm insecure, I probably am, but I don't want to lose that. At least not right now.

[RayKay]

I'd argue that if he feels it is absolutely FINE to be with someone else while "with you" and sees NO problem with it, then he does not truly love you.

 

I have nothing against meeting people online - that is how I met my live-in boyfriend, however love does not come through "dating" online - it comes from learning about the person IN person. It comes from truly KNOWING them in day to day life, not just from what they PRESENT to you, you see generally the 'best' of them..and love involves seeing them even when they are just being them.

[BellaDonna]

Yeah, but is it really cheating if I said it was okay?

 

You eventually gave in and said it was okay, but at first you said it WASN'T ok.

 

I'm not trying to pick on you- but I just worry that you may have yourself in a hurtful situation, and settling for it, in fear that you won't meet anyone better. I worry that this could be tied to deep issues in your self-esteem.

 

Well, see I already sort of gave him the ultimatum before when I said I wasn't okay with it and he said he'd have to choose the other guy because I hurt him when I didnt come to visit him like I said I would. Only thing that's changed since then is that the other guy has visited him twice and they're just getting closer, so I don't think he'd respond to an ultimatum any differently now. I guess I just don't want to lose him, not right now.

 

What bothers me here is that you're not being true to YOURSELF. You're letting his wants dictate you and your life, and changing your values because you're afraid of losing him. That's what worries me.

 

You're an adult and you're going to do as you please. I just want to point out that from an outsider's perspective, this situation does not sound at all healthy for you. I can't see any good coming out of it in the long run.

 

I really hope you find true happiness and realize you deserve it, and that you won't settle for less in life,

 

BellaDonna

[mdwstgal]

I'd argue that if he feels it is absolutely FINE to be with someone else while "with you" and sees NO problem with it, then he does not truly love you.

 

I have nothing against meeting people online - that is how I met my live-in boyfriend, however love does not come through "dating" online - it comes from learning about the person IN person. It comes from truly KNOWING them in day to day life, not just from what they PRESENT to you, you see generally the 'best' of them..and love involves seeing them even when they are just being them.

 

Yeah, I know. I wish I could have visited him when I planned to , you know, but it just didn't work out. He's seen the other guy on visits twice already and they seem to click and work ... maybe I'm just getting in the way, at this point, since they know each other now in real life and seem to work.

 

I'm not trying to pick on you- but I just worry that you may have yourself in a hurtful situation, and settling for it, in fear that you won't meet anyone better. I worry that this could be tied to deep issues in your self-esteem.

 

Yeah, I know you're not picking on me. I appreciate the replys. I do have some self-esteem thing I think, maybe ... I don't know. I just would hate to lose him right now. I guess I'd just prefer to wait to see what happens. But maybe I'm just too scared to move on. I'll think some more about it.

[johnagent1911]

Hey if you're really okay with this then it should be fine. It's not ideal but who cares? If your happy none of this will matter. It might get complex though.