Don't know if I should stay or go

[jenniferlh]

I have been in a relationship with a man for 10 years. I am 32 and he is 51. I' ve loved him more than anything else. I have always put him first. I have always showed him unlimited amount of love and affection. He never knew if he wanted to get married. I've always accepted this because I was in love. It took us 5 years to move into together and finally we bought a house together after 9 years. Not because I didn't want to, but because it was very difficult for him to make a decision about our future together. The age difference may become a factor in the future and we were uncertain about having children. I have been unhappy for sometime now. I just felt that we were not as close as I wanted to be and that love was not given back. Even though we weren't married, we still didn't even live as a married couple. No joint anything. There were many times I thought I should leave but couldn't. Recently I met someone who has shown me what a real loving relationship could be like. My boyfriend are separated, but it is still cheating. Now that I've left my boyfriend says to give him another chance. He knows he was confused about our future but now he knows what he wants and that he can change and be the person I am looking for and that he is ready to get married. Should I leave him for the love I was looking for or give him another chance?

[kellbell]

Don't stay with him out of pity, afraid of hurting him, or because you invested 10 years with him. What's important is YOUR happiness and what's right for you at this point. In situations like this, somebody always gets hurt, question is, do you want it to be you by staying with him?

Give him another chance if you feel in your heart that's what you want. If you feel you are at the point of no return, then I would try to work on you and get out of the relationship. I wish you all the best and take care.

[Shadows Light]

Isn't it always when one makes the move...the other feels as if they've been hit with a 2x4 and wakes up???? and then they make so many promises to change.

 

I agree with the previous poster. Do not stay with 1st guy out of pity. You were putting into that investment for a long time. And not getting anything back on return. Sort of pumping money into a stock market and no return on investment. At some point you need to descide to cut your losses and move on.

 

Moving on means not looking back. Don't think of What if's. You can't. The previous poster is right... someone always hurts in these situations. And you have been trying to fix him for eons. What is going to change now? Seriously. Behaviorial changes take much much work. Ever try to quit smoking? or drinking? Well behaviorial changes are just as tough. The way a person is hard wired is pretty much it. They can make the transformation...but the longer they have been at it, the longer and harder it is.

 

Age difference. I don't see a problem with age difference. Its what you are comfortable with. Logistically speaking... you are young enough to have children, do you want them? does he? And if he conceded and gave you a child at this point, will he be able to fathom being a DAD of a teenager at age 65? There are some... but does your man fit the bill.

 

And then.. you are in your sexual prime. The sex kitten years for a woman. He is definitely starting in his late fall to winter years. Will this be enough for you?

 

Lets go into finances. He's probably looking forward to retirement. And you are going to be in the job force ahhh yes, he's still a spring chicken at 51.. don't get me wrong. But he's looking to settle. And are you ready to settle? Are you ready to take care of him some more???? and what all that entails? And I hate to bring it down to finances. But come on... think about all the angles. While you will still be out in the work force, he'll be relaxing by poolside and golfing with his buddies. How will you feel about these things?

 

Serious questions for you to ask yourself. And maybe your best bet is to put your pen to paper and do a pro's vs con's list. And in the Con's list... look at it..and seriously think about what you can live with??? what concessions can you make.

 

The 2nd guy. Lovestruck eh? Well.. its certainly is a beautiful thing to be the center of someones world. And to have someone pay attention to you. And to soak up all that love and affection like a sponge thats been sitting in the SAHARA DESERT. Don't begrudge you that. Its a great great feeling. To feel desired. To feel cherrished. To feel again. The fact that gentleman number 2 is separated. Its a fine line when you call it cheating. How long has he been separated? Is he legally separated?

 

Well here's my feelings on marriage and its IMO. I am myself seriously looking at what the institution of Marriage is and who made all these rules.

Researching if you will... where and how it all started. The Church weddings and the commitments. LOL. I won't go into a long disertation on the institution of marriage but I do find it interesting that the piece of legally binding paper is not that old chronologically speaking. And to cut it to the chase, Marriage is the commitment between two people. And its starts with those two people. And the rest of society can stuff a sock in it. Its those two people who are the drivers of how they want to live. The paperwork...put boundaries and barriers around them legally. As to what we as a society deem acceptable or not acceptable.

 

Put it this way... if two people decided to call themselves married. And they moved to another state where no one knew them. And called themselves husband and wife.... would anyone seriously ask to see thier marriage liceace???? I believe in some states its called Common Law marriage. Soooooo.... here we are. We have people telling us we need to pay for a licence to get married. We have a huge huge party because why...??? in essense two people decide to SHACK UP and keep house. And then.. when they decide they can't make it.. or want out. What happens??? It costs them thousands of dollars in some instances on lawyers fees to get out. Is this absolutley ludicrious? So... some lawyer gets to make a living, the public courts get their $...and a whole lot of financial woe goes around. Never mind these two people are trying to LIVE. or figure out how they will make it on their own. Some people stay married for financial reasons. Some because of the kids. Is it right? Well up to them. You haven't gone into detail about your Significants others break... so I'm just shooting in the dark.

 

Do you believe its cheating and you are doing something wrong? Or.. do you believe that because people tell you to believe it? or what you've been conditioned to?

 

The main thing I would be concerend about is a rebound relationship. And making sure that it was real. soooo.. you give it time. You make sure you build your foundation on friendship and not on lust or the physical side of your relationship. Both of you are hurting and looking for hugs, love and acceptance.

 

Again... Start with yourself. And what are the things you can live with. And what are the things you can not live with. Where will you compromise. And think about making YOU happy. Not how other peoples feelings are going to be hurt. You can't make everyone else happy and put band-aids on everyone elses boo-boos and ignore your own. What do you WANT out of life??? What makes you tick. And then... when you think you have a handle on it.. START living. As the song goes by Tim McGraw... LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING.

 

PM me anytime you need to talk.

[melrich]

He is definitely starting in his late fall to winter years.

 

Wow you write the guys off pretty quickly!!....LOL....agree with your advice by the way.

[Shadows Light]

LOL... nahhh but he's definitely looking to settle down by this point at his life. I didn't mean to sound that he was a doddering old coot with one foot in the grave. Just that if the poster is young and she wants the white picket fence with 2.2 kids..she should seriously consider all the angles.

 

LOL. And thanks for the Feedback. I like that.

 

By the way to the Original poster.

 

I like Dr. Phils books Relationship Rescue. He's got lots of good things to say... to learn about yourself.

 

And then Wayne Dyer is also pretty good... his last book, the power of Intention. ( I think that was it.) He's got some great books out for a good read too.

 

And my idea of writing it down on paper. Sometimes when you write things down.. the answers just SCREAM out at you a day or two later.

 

WELOME TO ENOTALONE. Its a great place to learn just about anything dealing with the HUMAN CONDITION.