pictures of birth mom, confusion

[metallicachica247]

i was adopted when i was about 8 days old and now that im 13 my mom agreed that it is time for me to get an idea of my birth mom. i found out her full name and got pictures of her last night, and i know its her because i have the same eyes. It was kind of embarrassing because i started crying when i saw the pictures knowing that i will probably never meet her because she was never settled in. my brother is from the same mom, but we have different birth fathers, hes half black, im white, and people give us grief about it all the time. that doesnt really bother me anymore because i am always fighting with him... but last night when i got the pictures, and i felt the way i did... sad and angry... i realize that he is the closest thing i have to my birth family. i feel kind of bad for just saying hes my real brother-thats that and leaving it, i should have told them the story. but i didnt i just felt all self centered and b****y. I dont know if this is the feeling that i am supposed to have, but i am really mad that i was born just to be adopted. literally, my birth mom just wanted to have kids, but knew that she couldnt keep them so just gave me up... me my brother and 2 older girls that i will never know either. does anyone know if i should feel this way and leave it alone, or is it worth it to try to find her?

[skyteph]

I think that as curious as you are, you shouldn't worry about meeting your birth mum. You have a loving family now, and they are prepared to give you as much information about your heritage as they can. Personally, I think your mum was kind of selfish for getting pregnant just for the sake of it, when she knew she couldn't keep you and your other siblings who you may never meet. However at the same time, by doing this she's made your new family very happy because they get to love you.

 

In my opinion maybe finding your siblings would be a better quest, but then that's just me, and others may disagree.

[genz44]

Enjoy your teenage years with the family you have now. It's probably best to wait on searching for anyone until you've gotten a bit older. If and when you decide to search around, looks for your sisters first.

[Jetta]

Not sure how you came about finding out that your mom's purpose in pregnancy was just to be pregnant but that's beside the point. I don't really think it's any worse than sperm donors. I really have a hard time with that whole thing (knowing there could be 20 half-siblings out there, or more and they would never really know it). Now that is discusting to me.

 

I think finding your siblings would be cool. Might bring you some peace of mind. Wait until your older to search out your mom though. That's going to be an emotional experience and right now I don't think you could handle it if she were to reject you.

 

Not everyone who can become pregnant is meant for motherhood, just as not every woman who would make a good mother can become pregnant. I believe adoptions are divinely planned. I really feel like the children that come to the parents they have are there because they were meant to be with them at that time for whatever experiences.

 

You have been blessed to be adopted with a half brother. Really you are, even if you don't look like siblings. It's a gift. You have wonderful adoptive parents, a good, loving family, appreciate what you do have because odds are it's better than the live your mother would have been able to give you. Your mom did what she did because it was the best thing to do at the time. I kept my son, and I should have given him up intially. It has made things harder all the way around. Lord knows what damage my inexperience and lack of interest has caused him. Truly be grateful for your loving adoptive parents.

[armchairshrink]

literally, my birth mom just wanted to have kids, but knew that she couldnt keep them so just gave me up... me my brother and 2 older girls that i will never know either. does anyone know if i should feel this way and leave it alone, or is it worth it to try to find her?

 

How do you know that your birth mother "just wanted to have kids"? Are you assuming it was easy for her to "just give you up"?

 

I'm not attacking you; on the contrary, I think it's natural to feel the way you do. But I suggest that you not resent your birth mother until you understand the motives and circumstances behind her decision and her life at the time.

 

I also suggest that you not meet with her until you're a bit older. It will be hard for you to wait, but you'll be in a better position to understand her with more life experience under your belt.

 

In the meantime, maybe you could adjust your viewpoint of the situation. Don't think of it as being "given up"; think of it as having 2 families. That helped my mother deal with her adoption.

[metallicachica247]

i actually know that she just wanted to have kids... my mom got the story directly from her... she asked why i was up for adoption and why my brother was up for adoption... she said that it was because she knew that she was incapable of taking care of the child and just liked the feeling of making new life... then my mom translated it for me because i didnt really get it when i was six years old

[melrich]

I'd also advise you not to presume too much about why your biological mom chose to adopt you out.

 

Really I think no matter who the person, giving your children up for adoption has to be one of the most difficult things imaginable and is unlikely to be a decison taken lightly.

 

It is perfectly understandable that you have lots of mixed emotions around all this and I think it is great that you are starting to explore your emotions and talk about them. Just try and remember that these decisons were made in another time and they were not made to hurt you and had nothing to do with the person you were then or the person you are now.

 

I don't know if you feel like meeting your birth mom or not, or if she wants to meet with you. either way, don't feel pressured. Make your decisions around this when you feel you are ready to.

[armchairshrink]

... she said that it was because she knew that she was incapable of taking care of the child and just liked the feeling of making new life... then my mom translated it for me because i didnt really get it when i was six years old

I'm sorry, metallicachica. That must have been pretty harsh to hear, especially at age six. And rougher now that you 'get it' at age 13.

 

But just think how much more you'll probably understand by the time you're 19. Originally you asked the question

does anyone know if i should feel this way and leave it alone, or is it worth it to try to find her?

In my mind, those are separate issues. You may or may not ever find your birth mother; but even after you do, you will still have to deal with your sadness and anger. And keep in mind that what you hear from her may heal you or hurt you -- or both (my mother found that out the hard way. If you'd like details, just PM me). Which means even more anger or sadness to deal with.

 

I'm not trying to discourage you from finding your birth mother. On the contrary, if you want or need to find her, then do so. But I'd wait until you're older; and I'd definitely find a way to work through your pain and anger independently from her, because your own anger can hurt you. And what if you don't find her until you're 40 or 50? Do you want to go through your whole life feeling this way? I doubt it.

 

Whenever I need to get a grip on my feelings, I remember a quote from The Buddha: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

 

It's hard to remember this in the midst of pain and suffering, but it's worth trying. Count your blessings: You have a family that wants you. You were raised by someone who would do their best to raise you -- and not by someone who wouldn't (not all of us had that blessing). You have the best of both worlds: loving adoptive parents and a flesh-and-blood brother. Yes, you fight with him now, but someday you'll appreciate each other. Keep in mind that deep down, he may be as angry as you are but know know how to articulate it.

 

And this may sound like a twisted blessing, but it is one: your birth mother knew enough, and was honest enough, to admit that she couldn't raise you.

 

Now, most parents don't know what they're doing; but they are willing to learn and do what it takes to raise a happy, healthy child. But not everyone has what it takes to be a good parent; and most people don't think about that before they become parents (if they ever realize it at all). It takes a lot of hard work, sacrifice, and unselfishness -- and if all your life you've been lazy or self-centered (and all of us have our moments), then parenting will be much harder on both you and your children. I was my father's fifth child, and he didn't learn to be less selfish until after I was grown and gone. I'll spare you the details, but it was rough growing up with him.

 

Think kindly of your birth mother for sparing you that. And think wonderfully of your adoptive parents for taking it on for you. But mostly, be gentle with yourself and cultivate the emotional balance that will enable you to see your birth mother's actions in context. Another poster said that her decision was not meant to hurt you and had nothing to do with the person you were or are. Believe that -- if not for her sake, then for yours.